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Hi everyone. I'm not dealing very good with taking care of my mother. I cant take that she gets involved with my life and always tell me negative things about my life and i tried to tell stop I'm a grown woman but she won't stop.I need help and advice??
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I'm in the very same condition Stressout... After 13 years of breaking my back to do everything for this woman (putting my things 2nd or in hold), not only am I exhausted, but she hates me!... I've tried everything to have my mother see what I do for her and I so wanted for her to actually show me some motherly live before she (or I) die, but it's not looking good... I'm so sad and depressed from all my 'good' will that I've lost myself and any interest in life anymore.... Sorry... not want you need to hear... I guess i's say to not get too close or spend as much time as I did always trying until everything was sucked out of me... Try to have your life no matter what it takes...
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Hi stressed out and heart to heart. When my husband came upstairs tonight. I told him I'm taking control of my life. He looked at me like it had something to do with him. I pointed to my mothers room. Said. No not you. It's all good. ( not like he controls me). I just said I'm 56! Not 16. I'm done letting her moods run the show. Got to take back control of my life. I'll let you know how this goes over. lol. We got to try
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Good for you Erin... It's an ongoing process tat's for sure!...❤️
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Heart2Heart I feel for you what uve been going through. I know it's not easy . And Erin I wish I can take control of my life it's not that easy in my situation . I feel like a child again and she telling how to do my life. She even told me what kind of life you have it's not much. I told her it still my life no matter what kind it is or was. Im tired of all this I wish it was just like before when she was healthy and living on her own. And I know it will never be like that anymore. I'm so sad. 
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I have gotten the same things told to me Stressedout... I know how you feel... it's so demeaning !... You KNOW you are w wonderful person... Who else would have done this for your mom (or, anyone?!)... no one... They would be in assisted living ... Try to not let this make you sick... (I'm trying so hard also)... get out when you can... literally... go for a walk or to a store or something... I'll write back soon...

Erin... Same for you... aHang in ther with us... We'll keep venting here!

Love you guys!.... 💓🌻🎶😘
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Erinm60, way to go, we seem to be in the same boat. Tired of the drama here with dad and boomerang kids. Making me grumpy and belligerent. I am not the same person I used to be. He seems to control the ways of the house without controlling it. There are days I feel like I am 16 again. I can't yell at him of course as much as I want to. I can't yell at my daughter and my SIL. Caught in the middle. I want to take my life back. Of course I have it good in comparison but still. Last night cleaning up dinner Dad has to make his coffee. Literally pushes my wife out of the way of cleaning up dinner dishes. So I get my shorts in a bunch and move in and start cleaning the dishes. He asks "are you mad"? I move in again, he says "I'm making coffee here". My wife, if she had a drink in her mouth it would have come through her nose. The man can't read the room!
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Tgengine... Looks like we can all relate... I remodeled my kitchen 11 years ago and since then, my mother says "there's only room for one cook in the kitchen" (meaning her)... She controls whats' in the refrigerator and tells me what I should or shouldn't buy. If it was up to her, she'd live on macaroni and cheese. Oh yes... she won't eat 'brown' eggs (even though she once grew up on a farm)... Even her youngest brother laughed at that... She said "I'll buy my own"... Good luck.... in here 80's, she can't drive, shop... but, complains at every little thing... Amazing how they think they can run your lives and the house should always be to there liking... (lately, I've been purging and getting rid of things that remind me of her, because she makes a comment just about everything a piece of crap and useless... in her mind... So, it ruins my happiness... 
UGH!!!
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H2H , stressed out, tgengine, we are all in the same boat We can't control our parents but we can control our reactions to the things they do and say. Easier said than done I know. I try to focus on what some one wrote on here about having an action plan. Things I want to do when this is over. My mood can change in a minute based on what she says or does that drives me crazy. My daily grocery list. The loss of the first floor because she sits there all day. What I meant last night when i said to my husband that I'm taking control back is that I'm not going to allow her statements, requests etc to dominate my happiness. I really going to try to disassociate my self. It's sounds nuts. But to put a mental shield up. I'm going to try and enjoy my life.
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Good action plan Erin... I even put a back deck off the kitchen (with the remodel of my kitchen... with my mother in mind), so she could sit there and have a cup of coffee (or?) and look at the nice backyard, birds, etc... (nothing satisfies... I pray to God I am never like that or ungrateful to those who take the time for me... I pray and pray these days).
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Hi heart to heart. Agree totally. I never want to burden my only child with my care .
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I wouldn't either Erin... Definitely wouldn't!...
That speaks for who you are...!
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You too Heart2Heart
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I get it, reading your posts are helping me to realize that (a.) Dad will never change. (b) I have to change. (z) I have to not let it bother me.... did you see I went to (z) because there is so much other stuff in the middle. This week started trying to take care of myself more. Last night at dinner I sat there and counted how many times dads comments were directly about him in the conversations at dinner. 100% of his remarks were about him. I had to laugh instead of getting mad because he doesn't get it. He kept repeating (not a dementia thing) to everyone who would listen "I went out in the rain, I may melt because I am so sweet". Even on his nightly phone call. So I have to laugh. We talked about my daughters promotion and her job and anything he had to say was directly about him. He cant have a normal conversation. It is so like eating with Cliff Clavin. He even had a story about him and a "dangling participle" which we were all talking and joking about trying to figure it out. So this is going to be my life, letting it roll away, laughing it off and trying not to let it get to me..... lets see how this goes.
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Have you never explored the other threads since being on the site TG? I have gained so much insight into my extended family and life in general from reading the many varied threads available here!
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I feel like I am getting worn down and stressed out. I only get 3-4 hours sleep a night because of my mother's confusion and agitation. I am the only one to take care of her. There are no friends, family, or neighbors who care about her because of the way she treated people and pushed them away in her life. She doesn't mind putting any amount of burden on me because she thinks I am a paid worker. She doesn't know I am her son. Sometimes she talks about her son, but says she doesn't know where he is. She needs assistance with everything she does. She has been in bed for the past 2 1/2 years. She doesn't know she owns this house. She thinks her hair and teeth belong to someone else and she has to get hers back. I am trying to cope day-to-day the best I can, but it is very difficult. I can't leave the house or even go outside.
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Oh John!... There has to be someone you can ask to help you with your mother. Can you start calling around ... like an ombudsman or ask her (or your) doctor or doctor's office who to contact for help. Your mom needs more help than you can handle and it's not good for you mentally or physically to keep going through (all of) this by yourself!... Hopefully, someone else will chime in here that has more information on who you should contact.
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John agree with Heart 2 Heart. This is too much for one person.
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Also... Talk with your mother's insurance to see if they cover home aid or any other benefits she may have to help you out...
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Hi tgengine. Completely understand. A, B, Z. I know. It's hard. My mother and I walk the dogs nightly. Always same statements made. Always . Pretty much in the same order too. Tonight. I actually started to spell in my mind "dissociate., dissociate, dissociate. I try so hard to be ( can't think of the word). Oh no! Ok to be non chalant, blazee? Sp? About the repitition. It s not easy. Just got to keep trying.
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John,I feel your pain and aggrevation with all that happening with you and your mother.John you need to get help with all of this maybe some homemaker services or home health that can come and be with her or even Catholic charities to help you.Please take everybody advice and not only help your mom but yourself also.
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The doctor's office has thrown it completely on me. I thought they would help but then they called and said it's up to me. I told them I don't even have time to spend on the phone, but they just don't want to get involved. I have been talking to agencies for over 6 months just to get someone in for 3 hours a week. I want someone to take care of Mom for 3 hours while I am gone. They are mainly interested in doing ADLs. I don't care about ADLs. I do all that. They tell me they aren't confident that they can replace me for 3 hours. Their preferred client is more well than my Mom. I am still looking.
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Hi John6749. what do you think about calling a local hospital ( not the drs office).and asking to talk to the social work department. I used to work in a hospital and I know social workers help to get people placed. Not saying you want her placed , but possibly they could provide info on where / who you could call for help
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Erinm60, I tried that. I never got a call back. Apparently, they will only talk to people if the person is currently under hospital care. I also tried to talk to the social worker with the visiting nurse association, but she doesn't talk to you after the person is discharged from their care. I'm on my own right now. I don't want to place Mom. She doesn't need medical monitoring. I just need to assist her, take care of her needs, and keep her reasonably happy. She trusts me and doesn't like other people around. I am going to call another agency tomorrow. They say they provide more personal care services rather than just ADLs. I hope it works out so I can get out to get some things done.
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John, Please call your local Counties AGENGY ON AGING, just type that into your search engine or Google it! They will listen to you, and send out someone who will do an interview with you, and your Mom, and a home assessment, to see what services are available to you and your Mom. 

And forget about Refusing help with the ADL's, as she Will need those, when you are out for a few hours on your own! And Yes, we understand that your Mom doesn't like having other people or strangers in to care for her, but TOUGH! It's You we are worried about,  and you must get help for YOU! Your Mom Will Adjust! You can try arranging your time out of the home, after you have taken care of her morning routine,  have her lunch all ready,  and leave her with the senior sitter, from 11:00am to 3:00pm, this way, you will get a solid 4 hours out if the home a couple of times a week,  to shop my catch a movie,  lunch with friends,  or just plain old You Time! Start with a dry run, having the sitter their caring for her, while your away elsewhere in the home, or out working in the yard or garage, close by, but out of site. Again,  she will adjust,  and tell her it is not an option!  You Need Time to get things done! 

Another option is (or I have found) is going into your local Senior Center. They often have one of those cork boards on the wall, where local "Senior helpers" advertise their services. Yes, it may cost a bit, but it is worth your sanity, to get out on your own once and awhile. They aren't that expensive, but you do need to interview them, and check into their background, licensing, bonding, first-aid certified and such. Also if they are CPR certified, in case your Mom is not a DNR (do not resuscitate).

You've just got to find ways to get a break. Also, speak with the AOA, about getting some RESPITE CARE for you! Sometimes there are waver plans, that assist you on getting some time off, whether someone comes into stay with your Mom, ore she goes into a career center. It is a must, as you sound as if you are suffering from Severe Caregiver Burnout!

Good luck, and please, look into some of the suggestions that folks here have given you! Take Care! Stacey B
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Hi John, I'm getting a needs assessment done by the local nursing home ( all levels of care). Just to get on their radar. My mom sees their dr already and has a dementia diagnosis. I just need to have back up if something comes up where I have to be gone overnight. My mom bathes ,dresses, takes her meds. Doesn't cook but is very cabable taking care of our 2 dogs. I'm getting this " needs assesment " done next week. I'm going to tell her that I could be held negligent if I left her alone over night. Which is what the needs assessment nurse told me when I called. She will not want to see that happen to me. The nurse called it elder abuse. So I know she will accept that if I have to leave over night , she will have some one here. Going on a tangent here, but elder abuse ? Really. ? She performs so many ADL s. She worked and drove up to 10 months ago. She has a diagnosis of dementia. So I'm kind of confused as to how leaving someone who is functioning is construed as elder abuse. But I will not leave her over night and I know she will be ok with the nurse staying here just to make sure she's ok. Want to clarify,  nurse said " could be construed as elder abuse, leaving  a person alone with diagnosis of dementia.   ". Believe me ,  there are some days she's totally repetitive, and confused,   Other days she's almost normal.    So I do agree,  she should not be alone overnight
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Erin... Can you imagine how many millions of people live at home that have dementia? (elder abuse... what a joke). Many of these people at home have no funds, family or friends to help them... or, that 'want' to help. All the best!

John... Keep on trying... You'll stumble on to something... Talking to a lot of people will no doubt connect you or point you in the right direction... Keep us posted. All the best!
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So true to Heart 2 Heart.
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I keep reading, what do i do with all the questions. Answer them, yes later, I don't know, I find out and let you know. They didn't tell me. I'm here for you and no one else. No telling who you are. Son daughter, husband or wife. Just in here or they will let me know. My wife has alzheimers and asks. Our second marriage and she's waiting for her first husband who is in heaven to come back. I tell her that ill wait with her until he gets back. She looks for her kids to change their diapers. I tell her I will do it you rest we have a big day coming. None of which she will remember. Tomorrow is a new day. She used to dust while I vaccumed. She would get her cloths ready for the next day. Today keeps slipping. I let her sleep longer and have breakfast no matter what time it is we go to bed when tired. Its not easy but I promised. Thrust the good bad and ugly i will be here for you. God bless all of you.
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Three questions for caregiving : 1 is it a job with not enough pay?
2 is it a career with not enough recognition?
3 Or is it a calling. Working for God. He provides all. : ))
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