Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
It has to be hard for you when you have two teen son's. I don't have children at home so I can only guess at hard it would be to be in your position. Please hang in there and please keep us posted how you are doing.
And as far as him not feeling well enough to go out, I would call his bluff. My NPD mom did that tonight. I called in plenty of time for her to change and get ready to go out for a bite to eat, and when I got home, she's finishing up, and started up with"I'm not feeling so well today". I ignored (because she does this often) and said Let's go. We did, met the daughter and her boyfriend and had a nice dinner out.
Came home.... she comes to my door a few minutes later to say she wants to make sure I get all of her paperwork together before I go on a vacation in 2 days. I said "Ma! I am only going for a week... everything will be fine." Wonder what else she will pull before I leave in 2 days :). She will be fine ... same teenage daughter who helped tremendously with her dad is now 35 and will be watching over Mom, so I know all will be well.
Hang in there, MamaBear.... but GET HELP for your situation and take time out for yourself. You are NOT a slave; you are a person. Go out by yourself with someone trustworthy in place and "zone out" for awhile.
You have your hands full! So glad you were able to find some help. Don't feel guilty or like a failure for doing this. Trust me if I could I would and I only care for my honey.
Please continue to make time for your DH, family and friends but don't forget to include yourself in there even if it is only a few minutes to do something you enjoy. That is critical. I have, and am, leaning that myself. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else including you.
Please take care and feel free to vent and/or ask for advice any time. This forum has been, and still is, a lifesaver for me. Have a great night and weekend!
I have been a stay at home caregiver to my mom for the past 8 years. She has lived with my husband and I for 21 years. We moved her here when my dad passed at 60. She is 85 now and our children are grown. My husband and I just celebrated our 36th anniversary.
For us, it has had a few challenges through the years, but no more than we expected. We realize we are blessed to still have her in life! We all get along very well. I feel it is due to respect for the fact she is the mom, I know not to take that for granted. If we had to do anything over again, we would do it exactly the same way. I am so blessed and proud to be able to learn from her wisdom. As she is getting older, She is getting crabby! Lol. I have to gently make a funny out of her negativity so she can laugh and change her attitude.
I think the hardest thing to deal with is watching the changes that age is handing her. Having to use a walker, and some days the wheelchair. We just had ramps built a month ago to make it easier to take her out. We do play board games, she has her computer, ( she is addicted to face book ) she plays games on her computer.
We have movie day, we have "out and about" day. I keep her moving mentally and physically.
It's hard watching her age, but I'm so honored to help her through it and make it as comfy as I can. ...she raised me, this is the least I can do.
However; this will not work for everyone like it has for us.
I wish everyone could look at caregiving someone they love, the same way we do. I wish everyone luck and love! Hugs to you lastone!
I just felt compelled to reply to say, you are not alone! And of course you need help! You took on the challenge of your life! Bless your heart. You need you time. Most of us care for 1 person, you are a hero. One thing I can mention, find the funny in all you can. Even just a forced smile to yourself can really change your aggravation. I have to do this daily. ( caregiving to my mom, as I am now menopausal!!!). I smile, but at times I want to snarl.
Have you checked to see what your state offers? Here in Florida, we have what's called " respite care " Medicaid or Medicare sends someone qualified to come and stay with mom so we can do dates, or a weekend getaway. ...something worth checking on.
Linda
Your beautiful experience, wisdom, and loving perspective has filled my heart, tears of joy are welling. I so needed this gift today. Many blessings and much peace to you and your dear ones❤️
Remember how we cannot "fix others" ? We also cannot MAKE others understand. ( I am a nurse, also, and am on a week vacation right now... my daughter is watching over my mom. Do NOT feel bad about yourself. Just do it. Take the time you need.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way has saved much grief on this journey.
I will be adding, “I do not have to make them understand” to my sanity anchor mantras.
Thank you for sharing your heart and reaching out. You have found a safe harbor. You are heard and understood. Praying for you.
So how do I cope? I am sad and frustrated, sometimes I am angry and short with him.
So I have found that I need to find other things to do besides trying to get him to get out of bed. He stays there most of the day.
I take care of the farm and check on him nearly hourly.
But then I make arrangements to get off the farm and do something for myself. I mentor 4H'rs in photography and some animals projects, so while hubby is still healthy enough to get safely to the bathroom by himself, I get away from the house and farm for bits of time to engage with other people.
Hubby's psychologist asked me how was I doing this week. I just gave her 'the look' as if to say...how should I be doing?
Struggling.
Val
Hugs to you.
I tried that once with my DIL. She didn't last 2 hours before she was on the cell phone asking me to come back from my 'day' hike away [that was during his throat cancer treatments 3 yrs ago.]
You need time away to regroup and find yourself.
I wanted to share the best bit of advice somebody on here shared. Don't struggle to do the best you can all the time because that isn't sustainable. Do what you can for as long as you can. I've lived that advice since I heard it & I believe it's what has kept me sane, healthy & still able to smile. When I first started caring for mom I was going to be a physical therapist, nutritionist, germ erradicator, psychologist & best friend, can you imagine the quick burn out? Now im
her daughter, loving her & taking care of her as well as I can. It's not perfect her meals aren't balanced, some days her movement is from her bed to the table & the couch, repeat, but I'm here & she's still home. Everyday that's a win. Wishing you the best, I can't imagine 3.