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CrazyMamaBear… I have found being 24/7 caregiver that caregiving is a love/hate relationship on the part of the caregiver (possibly on the side of the other person though I cannot say for sure). I have loved my honey for 30 years, but there are times I definitely do not like him and are bordering on hating what being caregiving has done to me though I never felt this way until after Feb even though I have been his caregiver for over 13 years.

It has to be hard for you when you have two teen son's. I don't have children at home so I can only guess at hard it would be to be in your position. Please hang in there and please keep us posted how you are doing.
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CrazyMamaBear, is there respite care available for you. I understand people throw that word around like it’s a quick fix and easy to do. Sometimes resources and solutions are in short supply. Asking if you have an out on occasion. Even a short walk around the block may help. Sending you and all on this thread lots of love and prayers.
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CrazyMamaBear ..... First of all, Happy Birthday!!! My husband died when my 2 youngest were at home. They were 15 and 17. He had cancer and a hemorrhagic stroke at the end. Trust your kids to leave Dad with for awhile. My kids helped so much with my husband/their dad. I could not have made it without them. I worked full-time and supported the family so couldn't quit, and without the teen-aged "kids" and our 22-yr. old, could never have kept him at home.

And as far as him not feeling well enough to go out, I would call his bluff. My NPD mom did that tonight. I called in plenty of time for her to change and get ready to go out for a bite to eat, and when I got home, she's finishing up, and started up with"I'm not feeling so well today". I ignored (because she does this often) and said Let's go. We did, met the daughter and her boyfriend and had a nice dinner out.

Came home.... she comes to my door a few minutes later to say she wants to make sure I get all of her paperwork together before I go on a vacation in 2 days. I said "Ma! I am only going for a week... everything will be fine." Wonder what else she will pull before I leave in 2 days :). She will be fine ... same teenage daughter who helped tremendously with her dad is now 35 and will be watching over Mom, so I know all will be well.

Hang in there, MamaBear.... but GET HELP for your situation and take time out for yourself. You are NOT a slave; you are a person. Go out by yourself with someone trustworthy in place and "zone out" for awhile.
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Well, this is my first time in the forum. I have been struggling emotionally lately so I am trying to connect with people who have the same issues of caregiving. I retired two years ago after my father became ill due to complications with his gallbladder. My parents were the caregiver for my intellectually disabled sister and so I assumed responsibility for her as well as both of them. After two years the wear is starting to show. My husband works full time, but often comes home to not just elderly in-laws but an ill-tempered wife! He is a trooper and I am working on myself. Listening to this is great for me because I was beginning to feel alone. Just two weeks ago I hired a niece to help me out 4 days a week while she is between jobs. It has helped tremendously but I felt like a failure for needing help myself, However, my mental health and stress is showing some improvement. I had tried using a local agency but since I have three people in the house I needed three sitters and I could not afford that. I guess we all do just have to hang in there. But this did remind me that I need to find balance to live daily and not neglect my time with my husband or friends/family. Thanks to all for being so candid!
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Hi Georgia....Welcome. I am fairly new to this forum as well having been a member only a few months. There are a wonderful bunch of caring people here.

You have your hands full! So glad you were able to find some help. Don't feel guilty or like a failure for doing this. Trust me if I could I would and I only care for my honey. 

Please continue to make time for your DH, family and friends but don't forget to include yourself in there even if it is only a few minutes to do something you enjoy. That is critical. I have, and am, leaning that myself. If you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else including you. 

Please take care and feel free to vent and/or ask for advice any time. This forum has been, and still is, a lifesaver for me. Have a great night and weekend!
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I am also seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor after taking care of my beloved mother for 2 years and 9 months, leaving my job. I was the only one of the 3 other siblings that would help. I started seeing the Drs and counselors when this started in March 2015. I’m still trying to take care of her condo belongings and am always overwhelmed and anxious. My mother passed in December 2017 and my grief is tearing me up. I keep asking my mother to only come back for one day and cry all the time. I haven’t cared for myself and physically need a lot of surgeries done after this ordeal. Bunions flared up and I need surgery on both feet with arthritis also so they have to put a plate and screws in both big toes. My right shoulder has a tear in a tendon going into my shoulder and I got a steroid shot but the Dr said eventually I will need surgery to repair this and then added it had something to do with the rotator cuff also. I have osteoarthritis now and don’t know if it’s related to doing everything I had to do because nobody helped. Lifting things I never thought I could lift. Up and down stairs 20 times a day. My lower back I had already had problems with from a fracture in a lower disc and my back has gotten much worse. My blood pressure is all over the board and it was always on the low end my whole life. I am 63 now but I don’t believe all of this can be from my age. I don’t have time for me. All I think about is everything still to get done. I need help desperately but don’t know where to turn. I also need to find a pro bono attorney for things now my siblings are doing to me. Can’t find one. They all want me to pay fees.
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Georgia1985 I have come to learn it takes courage and strength to be vulnerable. Asking for help is far from failure. It is human. The caregiver’s life a roller coaster in this beautiful mess called Life. We do our best and let God do the rest. Always amazed at how being heard makes the world a little smaller and our troubles lighter. We are not alone.
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Hello,
I have been a stay at home caregiver to my mom for the past 8 years. She has lived with my husband and I for 21 years. We moved her here when my dad passed at 60. She is 85 now and our children are grown. My husband and I just celebrated our 36th anniversary.
For us, it has had a few challenges through the years, but no more than we expected. We realize we are blessed to still have her in life! We all get along very well. I feel it is due to respect for the fact she is the mom, I know not to take that for granted. If we had to do anything over again, we would do it exactly the same way. I am so blessed and proud to be able to learn from her wisdom. As she is getting older, She is getting crabby! Lol. I have to gently make a funny out of her negativity so she can laugh and change her attitude.
I think the hardest thing to deal with is watching the changes that age is handing her. Having to use a walker, and some days the wheelchair. We just had ramps built a month ago to make it easier to take her out. We do play board games, she has her computer, ( she is addicted to face book ) she plays games on her computer.
We have movie day, we have "out and about" day. I keep her moving mentally and physically.
It's hard watching her age, but I'm so honored to help her through it and make it as comfy as I can. ...she raised me, this is the least I can do.
However; this will not work for everyone like it has for us.
I wish everyone could look at caregiving someone they love, the same way we do. I wish everyone luck and love! Hugs to you lastone!
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Hi Georgia.
I just felt compelled to reply to say, you are not alone! And of course you need help! You took on the challenge of your life! Bless your heart. You need you time. Most of us care for 1 person, you are a hero. One thing I can mention, find the funny in all you can. Even just a forced smile to yourself can really change your aggravation. I have to do this daily. ( caregiving to my mom, as I am now menopausal!!!). I smile, but at times I want to snarl.
Have you checked to see what your state offers? Here in Florida, we have what's called " respite care " Medicaid or Medicare sends someone qualified to come and stay with mom so we can do dates, or a weekend getaway. ...something worth checking on.
Linda
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Peace and strength to all on this thread and our loved ones.
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Lynmac44, thank you for sharing❤️
Your beautiful experience, wisdom, and loving perspective has filled my heart, tears of joy are welling. I so needed this gift today. Many blessings and much peace to you and your dear ones❤️
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I think I'm doing great, I'm a nurse and still working Hospice on call. I have done this work for 27 years, I leave my husband alone for a few hours a day, He can still use the phone and i call him often, My problem now is i have Planned a trip to my Shaklee convention and have a friend who will care for my husband for 4 days and 3 nights, she will come to my condo for night time and naps. and take him to her home part of the days, but my son and daughter-in-law are very upset that I am leaving him. They say they don't approve. They don't think this is best for him. I know i need to get away, what can I do to help them understand!
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It is wonderful, done out of Love, we need more of that!
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Is there any chance your LO qualify for Medicaid? Specifically Medicaid Long Term Care? You could get help for them that way if any of them do qualify.
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Ask them directly if they would come to stay to help not only him out but you as well. If they cannot or will not, then simply tell them YOU need this time away. No other explanation is necessary. Seriously. Do NOT feel responsible to make others understand.

Remember how we cannot "fix others" ? We also cannot MAKE others understand. ( I am a nurse, also, and am on a week vacation right now... my daughter is watching over my mom. Do NOT feel bad about yourself. Just do it. Take the time you need.
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Most of the time I feel lonely even though my husband is here with me at home. I have no sensible conversations with him. If I make a comment, he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. we used to share lots but now I don't know what he is thinking about or how he feels about anything. I am sad a lot of the times. I try to accept his actions as it being part of the illness, but sometimes it's just hard.
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What a heartwarming story. Yes you face challenges, and they may become more demanding, but your love and desire to provide such care is very inspirational. Unfortunately that is not the journey that I and so many others are on. I am the 24/7 caregiver of my husband of 34 years. Our anniversary will be in 3 weeks. His dementia came on slowly, with both if us joking about even the remotest of possibilities. I had forgotten that his mother died of dementia related heart failure. She never knew he had gotten a divorce or had remarried. Now my dear funny husband who had so many skills and was always so busy with household projects-from single-handedly building a beautiful multilevel deck for our then home, to re-building a car motor. Our life together was not perfect, but it was fun and joyful and active. Now he cannot bathe without assistance, is incontinent, does not remember family members, does not know who I am about 80% of the time, thinks he has many wives, all of whom are stealing his retirement money from the bank. He is agitated and angry and experiences "sundowning" almost every night. His decline over this past three years has been so tragic and what has happened as we try to cope emotionally, physically and financially has taken a huge toll on me and the entire family. We have six grown children between us, but only two are able to help or support at all. We keep saying that"this is not dad, his brain is just not functioning" over and over, but the daily minute by minute issues wear you down. I pray and meditate and cry a lot as my long days and nights unfold. There is only an occasional spark of the man I married or his droll humor, there is never ever a good night's sleep. There is no wisdom being imparted here, other than trying to insure that our kids manage their financial resources far better than we did. There is never an opportunity to have more than a monthly 3-4 hours away for me. But honestly, I read your story with sincere happiness for you. I wish you continuing joy.
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L2bRN, This is where I draw the line, those who judge what they know not do not have a right to ‘share’ their thoughts and opinions. The same goes for those who do nothing.
Lead, follow, or get out of the way has saved much grief on this journey.
I will be adding, “I do not have to make them understand” to my sanity anchor mantras.
Thank you for sharing your heart and reaching out. You have found a safe harbor. You are heard and understood. Praying for you.
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My mother got extremely confused again last night. She thinks I am her son-in-law who died in 1995. She says she has to leave to see her grandson. She thinks he is a kid, but he is 53. She wants to go home because she refuses to accept that this is her house. She won't attempt to get some sleep, which I know would help her mental state. Right now it is 4AM. We have been up all night. She is having a conversation with a box of tissues. I can't remember the last time I slept at night. I'm not sure how much longer I can function like this.
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Wishing things were different. Hope you find a way through medication, explain to her doctor that's it your health suffering her sleepless nights. Her mind would obviously benefit from sleep but you can't care for anyone sleep deprived. I find that the days mom keeps me up I make mistakes, I imagine all problems are bigger than they are, my temper is short & my last nerve took the red eye with my sleepless night. It's simply not sustainable. Is a night caregiver an option? Financially everything's a huge burden but your sleep is vital. Mom may not want a night time caregiver but you can't keep staying up & at some point what you want/need matters too.
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Set boundaries firmly and respectfully. Take time to have a life of your own or you just wont. At first I was overwhelmed with how many things where put on my daily todo list just to get Mom through a day. To her way of thinking I magically appear every time she hits the button and I have no life outside her presence. The house magically cleans itself and meals appear from thin air when I bring them to her twice a day. At her age all she truly thinks about is her own little world and how I can benefit it. She still is my loving mother most of the time but at times I have to just stop her so that I don't get completely run over with all her wishes. My own eagerness to please her will keep me going from the time i wake till i time i fall in bed if I allow it. Bounderies <3
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Today? How am I doing? Watching husband fade away with Vascular Dementia and Major Depressive Disorder. He won't get up and move, won't shower, and despite all the best efforts of doctors to convince him to try and hope...he has none.
So how do I cope? I am sad and frustrated, sometimes I am angry and short with him.
So I have found that I need to find other things to do besides trying to get him to get out of bed. He stays there most of the day.
I take care of the farm and check on him nearly hourly.

But then I make arrangements to get off the farm and do something for myself. I mentor 4H'rs in photography and some animals projects, so while hubby is still healthy enough to get safely to the bathroom by himself, I get away from the house and farm for bits of time to engage with other people.

Hubby's psychologist asked me how was I doing this week. I just gave her 'the look' as if to say...how should I be doing?

Struggling.

Val
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That must be very hard and in the future... it sounds like what I will be going through.
Hugs to you.
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I think asking them to come and take care of your husband is a great idea. Then they could understand what it is like first hand.

I tried that once with my DIL. She didn't last 2 hours before she was on the cell phone asking me to come back from my 'day' hike away [that was during his throat cancer treatments 3 yrs ago.]

You need time away to regroup and find yourself.
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Not doing as well as I had hoped I would Lost my husband last August from cancer and I was his caregiver ( a job I would do all over again) for the last 6 month. Now my father, age 95, has bladder cancer, live with him and am his sole caregiver. I'm tired. He argues. I am running out of 'BIG GIRL PANTS' as they say. Still struggling with my loss of such a wonderful husband and friend of 42 years and now this.
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A couple of hours respite a day is what you need. Its normal to feel resentment towards the care recipient, it's called caregiver burnout syndrome. If you can afford it, have a professional caregiver come in daily and use that time to unwind or you may contact the VA (they pay for this service), use your long term care insurance, or Medicaid. Good luck!
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Dear John sometimes it feels like an eternity and i find myself wondering if she will outlive me. Dementia/Alzheimers is probably one of the worst illnesses to deal with in a loved one. Does your mother take cat naps during the day? You could use that time to maybe grab a few winks of sleep for yourself. I don't have any respite help but find if i get up earlier than she does i can use this time for myself exclusively like take a walk, read, call a friend, pray, or whatever to destress. I hope you can find some time for you as it is the most important factor in my opinion to avoid depression. Good luck and God Bless you.
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Hi Georgia, welcome & im glad you found this site. I've been on here a bit over a year & have learned a lot, gotten cheered up when I've been down, shared a bit & just felt better knowing 24/7 there are people who care.
I wanted to share the best bit of advice somebody on here shared. Don't struggle to do the best you can all the time because that isn't sustainable. Do what you can for as long as you can. I've lived that advice since I heard it & I believe it's what has kept me sane, healthy & still able to smile. When I first started caring for mom I was going to be a physical therapist, nutritionist, germ erradicator, psychologist & best friend, can you imagine the quick burn out? Now im
her daughter, loving her & taking care of her as well as I can. It's not perfect her meals aren't balanced, some days her movement is from her bed to the table & the couch, repeat, but I'm here & she's still home. Everyday that's a win. Wishing you the best, I can't imagine 3.
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Mrs bill, sorry for your loss & that you had no time to grieve. 42 years is amazing. Sending you peace
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Very sorry for what you are feeling and going through, that is rough. I am keeping you in my prayers. Lean on the Lord.
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