Hi AC Forum,
I feel like I run the gamut of emotions on a weekly basis. I think that is a difficult side of this caregiving. Not being able to fully satisfy - or not being able to satisfy for what should be a normnal period of time. And on the same token know that each day you go down this path you just running to the finish line.
It's the craziest and horrible life as I am not able to live my life, yet I have a hard time thinking of my mom living with less. Also not being the face of which she says to at first seeing her and asking her how she is, "Better now that I see you!" Knowing that you are the comfort in their sight. Yet what it takes from one feels enormous - emotionally, monetarily, physically.
How are you doing?
LastOne
How did you go about your research for a NH? What things did you look for? What was important?
Thanks,
LO
Somehow I get through each day of caregiving though it takes me a little longer now to do things. I am only in my 50s but I often feel I am never going to get my life or my full sight back and just go one day at a time. Maybe I am too pessimistic about things but after the last year and a half of Mom going down so hard and so often and now this, who wouldn't be pessimistic!!
I believe that I know your feelings. The resentment, the guilt, the anger, being tired and trying to juggle these emotions. I go through this often. Your loved one did not ask for this situation and only loves you. Try to be positive and think of the love and care you are providing to an important person in your life. You are loved and needed.
I am trying to do the same. I hope you find some peace.
Go to the top of this page, click on the blue navigation bar, Elder Care.
OR, enter 'How to choose a nursing home' in the search bar, above, top.
to face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner.
Well in that case I don't cope. I thought I did until I read the last 4 words adequate I manage ......calm? not so much!
Yesterday I coped better than usual. I finally determined that Mom has vascular dementia, though not diagnosed specifically. From what other people wrote on here and from what I've read, it fit perfectly. And yes, I trust my diagnosis.
Yesterday we were scheduled to go to my brother's house for a late Thanksgiving. Mom was in poor shape and I knew it was going to be a hard day -- like throwing a heavy bag of gravel over my shoulder and climbing uphill with it. She was going back and forth on whether we should go to my brother's. He lives about an hour away and there will be a house full of people we don't know. She didn't want to go, but felt she should. I knew we shouldn't go, so I told her that we weren't going. Period. I knew it would be horrible.
She was relieved, but felt guilty. I knew my brother understood why we didn't come, but my mother imagined he was upset. I realize sometimes my life is lived for the convenience and nonsense emotions of other people, and that really needs to stop. When she talked about how we should really go even when she wasn't up to it and I thought it a bad idea, I finally told her that I had no need to impress my brother. It was sad when she told me that she needed for her and me to impress him. What?? Huh...
Oh, well. Can't logic with an illogical mind. I didn't try.
There are days I want to scream, and yes I use the finger pistol, but that is a normal reaction. It is very stressful!!!!!!! But I have learned you have to make time for yourself. Even if its only 2 hrs. I volunteer for a rescue which I have been doing for 5 years, so 2 weekends a month for 4 hours I have an event that I do, and my brother comes down and takes care of my mom while I do that. My daughter comes twice a week and gives her a bath. It would help so much more if my other brother and his kids would help, my niece is an RN for gods sakes.
But in the end, we who are helping will have a clear conscience and not have any regrets.
I know its hard, but think about when your parents raised and took care of you!
I really believe if we had a crystal ball and could see into the future, our parent(s) would be shocked by what has happened. I doubt my parent's grand plan for me was to lose sleep waiting for the other shoe to drop because of their choices which weren't elder friendly. And to be under all this stress, and here we don't even live under the same roof.
My Dad had said to me that he and Mom didn't expect to live this long. And I am thinking at what point didn't they see that happening? And why didn't they plan ahead like moving some place safer than staying in a 3 story house with all those stairs. And did my Dad think shoveling the driveway was normal for someone in their 90's?
My retirement? When? And do what? My health has taken such a nose dive due to the stress, that I have no desire to travel anywhere.... that ship had sailed a few years ago. There are times I think my parents will outlive me.
What makes far more sense is to get rid of the house and move to a place that is better for them. No more maintenance and worrying about the things that go wrong with houses, plenty of people around who will keep them company and watch out for them, things to do, transportation provided. I have no problem deciding what I want to do if I live to be old. It makes so much more sense than asking someone to give up their job and family life to accommodate me.
Our thinking can get so clouded with emotions that we don't think logically at times. We can take care of our parents without having to harm ourselves if we can only get them to accept some change in their lives. Inability to accept any change is what can make it so very hard.
A huge question is if it is fair that the life of one or more of the children be disrupted so that the parents will not have to move from their house. If we think of this logically we know the right answer. What cwillie wrote is the best solution for everyone involved.
I know I wouldn't be happy in a local over 55 community.. To close to neighbors and busy bodies ugh!
I could handle a few winter mths down south in a community because it will mean I'm away for the nasty winter...