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Sometimes, I find myself a bit 'paralyzed' by this stage of caregiving (life) for my 89 yr old mother, because it's difficult to witness (while addressing mentally that life has changed in so many ways)... especially, doing this alone (No matter how much we love, our lives have changed after time has gone by during this caregiving stage). Is this up and down stage like a 'switch' that turns on and off?... Or, something we have to work at constantly for our well-being/happiness in later life.?... i wonder what percentage of people handle this better than I do?
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I agree with Riley 2166, you can't destroy yourself. You have no idea how long you will be doing that. If you are caring for a parent you are not responsible for paying for help or moving them to a facility. Unlike myself, it is my husband I am caring for. Had to leave my job at 62, his whole retirement is being spent on paying a caregiver so I can get out 10 hours a week. Not only did I lose my job but my husband is no longer the person I married, I don't like who he has become and I resent him for taking my life from me even though I know it isn't his fault. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.....
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Hi and I wanted to add that I too have an 85 year old with COPD and dementia and recently I started watching videos of a deceased commedien by the name of John Pinette. He really takes my mind off of my mother's criticism and constant negativism that it's such a shame he's deceased. But I thought I would pass this along..His videos are on you tube if anyone is interested. Listening and watching his videos really does help me
forget my issues with mom.
Hope this helps some of you who are at the end of your rope like I was..Now I just laugh it off!! Thanks for reading..Just wanted to spread the word about the Beloved John P.
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I think not all nursing facilities are bad like institutions. You have to tour them before & talk to residents how they like it. See if they have activities. Is it clean? Does it smell? Do the residents look well cared for? Are they up out of bed? How is the food?
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I am struggling with even wanting to go and spend time with her. It's not that she's mean, she just has dementia and her memory lasts a minute or so. She is also stubborn but has always been like that. I am 5 years in on this and have lost my main career, worry about her not telling me when she REALLY needs me, I am getting so depressed I feel like my life is passing me by and I am finding myself avoiding her more and more. Call it burn out, exhaustion, whatever. My health is getting worse, my outlook on life is getting worse, and I feel terrible for me hiding out so I can have some small bits of quiet sanity. My brothers do nothing,my husband does nothing, so I am expected to do it all. I am just tired. I am toying with the idea of finding a facility for her because I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up without losing it eventually. I feel like by the time I am done, I will no longer be in any condition to enjoy the rest of my life. I realize this sounds selfish but I can't help it, after numerous times at the ER, her not calling me when it's important, but calling me for every other damn thing that doesn't matter wears you down. I hope God forgives me.
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Rainey... There is nothing wrong with you to,ask forgiveness for when have things like a huge life-changing event like caregiving is thrown into your lap and no one around you steps up to help or support you. This can drive a person into the ground. I do think you heed to start talking with any support groups or people you can, so you know your options. Not many people can be a caregiver, so even if you find a place for her, remember... it's the best for your health and your for your mom's.... and, your families.... just my 2 cents... (also, keep writing here!)...
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It's funny the more I read, the more I see how we all start out with the best intentions. Promising our parent/s we will never put them in a nursing facility, etc. I am no exception especially since my Mom worked as a nurse her whole life in those very same facilities. How could I put her back in one? Well I guess one too many times following her in the ambulance, calling 911, rushing her in the car to the ER for things that could have been avoided. I just keep waiting to wake up one morning and go over to her room and find her dead. I just can't handle worrying about this all the time because her common sense is gone.
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Yes, it's all so sad and heartbreaking Rainey, and in the meantime ... not good for out health or our lives. An extremely harsh situations and reality to be thrust into at a slow time-warp speed. Also, bittersweet as it plays (effects) with all of our resources and facilities. It's a different world that people tend to ignor or run from.
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If I had a family that shared responsibility, I am sure my outlook would be more positive and I would not feel so overwhelmed. But instead, I have brothers that not only do nothing, they have villified me for her choosing me to be the POA, for handling everything for her and giving me a larger share in her will because I have always done it all meaning, all the upkeep on the property growing up, any home improvements that added value to the property, landscaping, etc. I honestly could care a less if she dies with 2 cents to her name, it's not MY money but somehow they feel they are entitled for doing zilch! This has also added stress because the one brother kept coming over and extorting money out of her everytime he showed up. Finally I caught on to this and told him she could not afford to keep giving him money and taking him to lunch all the time. He kept doing it so I booted him off the property. That caused a huge stink! Then I was the Pariah again. I can hardly wait to tell him I never want to hear or see him ever again. Take take take is all he has ever done and manipulate with guilt to get his way. So being the sole caregiver with a dysfunctional family in the background is just loads of fun.
On a humourous lighter note, I love the name Heart2Heart, it reminds me when I was a child and my Mom's mother (gramma) would come to visit, if I was misbehaving, she would look me sternly in the eye and say, "Young lady, we are going to have a heart to heart talk!" Of course that would be enough to start the tears streaming down my cheeks because I knew she was not happy with me. I can laugh about it now and even Mom gets a kick out of it when I remind her. 😊
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That's a cute memory from your gramma Rainey (puts a smile on my face... How those memories are etched in our memories from childhood).
I have been in a similar situation with my brothers, so I understand... After so many years of hoping things would be different, I have finally let go... This release actually released me from always 'wanting' them to 'be' different people, but now I understand they can't 'be' different people... and, you can't change people... Remember to take some deep breathes Rainey (every day)... even I have to take my own advise.
We'll make it...
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Heart2heart,
*BIG HUGS* Thanks for understanding and validating my feelings, sorry you have experienced the same thing, yeah we will make it, one way or the other, we will survive. I try to listen to what my body and mind tells me now my body is telling me to climb in bed, read a book and escape for a while. Feel free to reach out anytime!
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Dear Rainey,

You are an amazing daughter. I can identify with so much of you what you are writing about. I know its hard being the strong one. The good one. And having your siblings dump everything on you. I'm so sorry. I know you are doing the very best you can. It is overwhelming. I hope you can find some respite care. And try to find some time for yourself. My father has since passed away but reading other's stories has given me comfort.
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I am not coping well at all. I am 25 and am doing my college courses by distance. Nan is 93 and due to poor eyesight and an incurable broken arm caused by a fall, she needs 24 hour care. She gets up in the night alone and uses her commode, other than that she is completely reliant on myself, my mother, and the 3 1/2 hours of home care she gets a day. Because I am trying to do my school from home, the home care isn't much of a help, rather just another distraction. My moms brothers and sisters and some of the other grandchildren help a bit. Some of the family think they are helping by stopping in when ever they feel like it, but that is only adding to the distraction. My uncle encourages her to come to his house for the day on Saturdays, but she hasn't spent a night anywhere else since she moved in (December, it's now nearing the end of February). This is because she is most comfortable here, which I feel is incredibly selfish and unfair. She must realize my mom and I need a life too. She may be 93 but she's still very sharp, so I don't think it's beyond her to realize this. I do see her short term memory declining so I suspect she's got the beginnings of dementia. My mom is only home for a few hours in the evening due to her work schedule and I worry for her health too as she has high blood pressure. Nan sleeps with her every night and moms sleep has been suffering as a result. I also struggle with mental health issues of my own so this stress is not helpful. I am constantly worried about her, every complaint I take seriously (and believe me, there are plenty of those). But it is starting to annoy me, I am feeling resentful, which then causes me to feel guilty. I have expressed to my mom that I think it's time for her to go to a nursing home, as this is not healthy for any of us anymore. Mom says she won't last a month, which only adds to my guilt.
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Dear Kfmw,
You are too young to have 'all' this stress on your shoulders. I once asked my youngest brother how he ever studied in a disfunctional family (after I left... he was left alone). He said when he studied he "closed his bedroom door" (he went on to get double degree with a Masters). I hope you can close the door (and, your mind) more often, so you can concentrate and focus on your life. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty (nothing you can do will change this situation with your mother and grandmother). I also hope you can go out with a friend (or friends) once in a while (make it once a week!), because you absolutely need a social network in your own age group for you to thrive and be healthy. As difficult as this all is for you, you 'need' to start a life of your own... step by step (but, start now). You have your life before you. It's your birth right... Be Happy... and, Best Wishes for a successful degree and career! Blessings.
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Poorly.
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I pray a lot.I cry a lot.I smile sometimes.Rene
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I care for my 93 dimentia/Alzheimer's mom. She is very difficult and just had an episode where I had to call the police she thought we were trying to kill her. I am so tired I could scream.my head tells me it's time to find a new CEO place for her but my heart tugs to keep her home.... I feel sick to my stomach....
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I cope one day at a time. I have been taking care of my mother for over 20 years with no help. In that time I have not had 1 day to myself. I have given up the idea of ever having a normal life. My mother doesn't know I am her son. Today is my birthday. It is a very lonely time.
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Happy birthday, john. I hope you're able to find some way to treat yourself today if only having some cake and ice cream.
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Hi John... I'm so glad you posted on this site... Happy Birthday!!! 🌺🌷🌹💓 You are definitely not alone!!! We caregiver's understand and care very much!!! (We are all on this roller coaster ride of life). Try and live in the moment ... You are precious and a miracle of life that deserves happiness like any life!... I'm sure Your mother loves you, but like so many (including my mother) she can't express herself, especially when aging enters the picture... The day isn't over or your Birthday week/month... Do some really nice things for yourself... keep posting also!!!... Blessings and a Big Hug!!! You're very Special!!!
🍰🎼
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Happy Birthday John! Please know that you are not alone in this caregiving journey! It stinks that others in your (and our) family don't step up to the plate to help out, even if it's just now and then! I hope you have looked into Social services, to see if you might be able to get some Respite for yourself, as it is such a hard and lonely job, this caregiving! Especially when it's someone with dementia! My heart goes out to you! You take care, and try to find some joy in your life, even if it's just an hour here and there!
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johnk6749, I too caregive my folks 24/7 to the point my life has been subsumed in their world. (My new normal.) Even when I take time to visit this site, one or both of my folks are with me, so...when I mentioned that one of the caregiver's birthday is today they wanted me to wish you a very Happy Birthday and tell you what a good son you are. (Granted my father doesn't know who I am 90% of the time, and they don't remember my birthday -- so I'm getting to live vicariously through their wish to you.) I hope you have (had -- it's getting late) a peaceful day, and, as JessieBelle wrote, I hope you're able to find some way to treat yourself!
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I care for my 93 yr mom dimentia. She is not the easiest to live with, has always been mean and rude. Have been doing this 3 plus yrs. quit my job so here all day with her. We are starting to look for a nice place for her she has plenty of money. So will not be a dump.plenty of guilt and like I failed. I am very tired and am starting to get very resentful.... my head tells me it is the right thing to do but my heart tells me to keep her at home. So scared of what to do:/....
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Marytheresa don't feel guilty if she has "plenty of money" she will get good care and you will b happy AND healthy and available to visit if it was an option for us I would not b where I am as many of us are
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MaryTheresa I don't know if this is the right thread to answer you on, but, YES, get her in a facility where they can care for her needs. You not only need a life of your own, you need to be free of the guilt. You have done everything you can. Sometimes our hearts are great guides and other times we need to listen to our heads!!! You Said 'we' are looking for a place. I hope that means that you have siblings who are helping you to get her placed in a nice facility. Dr.s are a good source of support, too!! God Bless You!! You will still be an advocate for her and be her daughter at the same time!
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Happy BirthdayJohnk6749.
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Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. I am stuck in the house, but I was able to make my favorite meal and bake a loaf of bread. Last night I told Mom that it was my birthday. She wished me a happy birthday, but she didn't link the date to her son's birthday. Later in the day she usually thinks I am someone who is hired to take care of her. In the mornings, she thinks I am her sister who died in 1972. She is 91 and has advanced dementia. She needs assistance in everything she does. I run through a lot of different emotions. It is very difficult, but in a way it is comforting to be able to take care of her.
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Mmm mmm. Fresh homemade bread. When you said that, the smell filled my mind. That is a treat all in itself. I haven't made any in years. Maybe I should pick up some yeast at the store.
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You're a WONDEFUL son John!...
All that balancing has to be very difficult and exhausting. I hope you can get in some good hours of sleep. Blessings to you and your mom...
😇🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹😇
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I'm glad you were able to do some self-care on your birthday (fixing your favorite meal and baking bread -- mmmm.....can just smell it in my mind!).
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