How to deal with constant self pity and guilt trips?
I have both mom (84) and an aunt (86) on my plate, both of whom are at home (aunt cared for primarily by my cousin, mom by myself tho she's still in pretty good shape, luckily). They're both bored, lonely and would love nothing more than my sitting on the phone with each of them for hours every day. Unfortunately they're also both the self-pity type who take anything positive I say and turn it into how sorry I should feel for them because they can't do fun things any more, don't have great health, and both of them are impoverished because they didn't save anything for retirement. Nevermind that having the luxury to sit in one's own home is a fun thing for many people.
I don't want to just never call them, but their attitudes are really affecting me. I deserve to enjoy my life without guilt trips and also both of them got to do many fun things before they got old. We have a large family and both of them get more attention than many elders. Also, it isn't my fault that they're old and I've done more than a lot of people would to help them.
Honestly my sense is really that they're feeding into each other. I doubt either of them would be this difficult alone, but they're feeding into each other's sense of aggrievement and self pity.
How do I handle this? Limit calls? My saying anything about the problem will just stir up more guilt trips, they both think their emotional needs are paramount and any that others have are unimportant by comparison. Thanks for any advice.
I’ve asked him if he ever talks to his friends about his problems and “nope, you don’t talk to friends about that stuff”. Oh, so dump it all on me?
When he gets worked up, things get nuts. He gets super worried about his mail. He gets almost nothing that matters too.
Finally, I stayed in my current job largely because of him, and I believe (no, it is) that it’s at least part of the reason for my health issues. My profession is very employable, especially if I travel, but I stayed in a hell hole. Thanks, Dad!
There are times that I think, “well, dad, you figure it the F out! You didn’t get help when I tried to get it for you! You won’t listen to ideas to make things easier on me! You fought me on hearing aids (the VA gave them to him free), fought me on going to the VA Blind Center then complained about how useless it was. You quit the meds to ease the anxiety, they worked, and holy hell, when you go on an anxiety bender….. And, nope, can’t call me because you’re worried about something stupid. Took me years to get you a house cleaner. Every time, you chose to make it harder on yourself, and on me.”
Anyways, drawing boundaries is hard. You get sucked in more and more as they age and all of that gets worse as they age. I, actually, do have boundaries, and they get pushed constantly. You need to draw your own. And, it doesn’t help them to drop this on you either. Just say No! Walk out a few times when they pull the crap on you or hang up on them. Unfortunately, as they age, and other issues crop up, they won’t remember it but then you can say No, and not feel guilty because they won’t remember you did it.
Good luck, thanks for giving me a place to vent a bit.
Honestly I don't think I had even realized how much of a burden becoming the entertainment committee had become until I took a step back. Mom emails me several times a day, texts several more, wants to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times and this is on top of the lengthy phone conversations. It's (far) too much. I'm going to where I answer her texts/emails once a day which I think is enough. I doubt she'll stop sending so much but I have no control over that. She does have friends and neighbors she's close to, hopefully she'll start reaching out to them more often.
Unfortunately my aunt doesn't have kids and one of my cousins from another aunt is mostly her caretaker. I do feel some obligation to help her out, but I also have A LOT of other cousins who can step up and do things too. One sticking point is my mother wants to go over there every Sunday which is a bad day for me - it's one of the only days DH is off from work and we have chores to do.
I recently read an article which said I should be specific, not say things like "you always want me to do things when it's bad for me." I think I'll propose something like every other Friday so I'm not just never going over there. (Another issue is that I have ADHD and it's hard to just sit around at my aunt's house. There isn't anything to do and she can't go anywhere. So I usually take knitting or something to alleviate boredom while I'm there.)
Thanks to everyone for giving me permission to stop being the entertainment committee. I'll be around in case of emergency and do things that are really important but I am SO tired of hearing how "lucky" I am because I can do things like go to the grocery. (Don't get me wrong - I *am* lucky in many ways, just having one's health and not being in the hospital is not something to take for granted, but I'm tired of being told I should feel guilty for absolutely everything in my life.)
I do also wear a headset whenever I have to talk to one of them so I can do chores while I'm listening. My aunt's favorite topic of conversation is what people I don't know write on social media, I have to have *something* to think about while listening to the drivel or I'd lose my mind.
I'm in the same boat. Some older people think you have to entertain them because they are not well to do some things like travel. They will have to be content with other things that they can do at home like read, a hobby, listen to music etc. Or go to a senior center for activities.
I am not the entertainment.
I'll add this to my Anti-Resume along with these I've collected from the forum;
I am not the maid.
I am not a taxi driver.
This is not a resturant.
This is not a cruise ship.
Now I CAN be a listening post...
But this is *time-limited* to my mood/sanity of the day.
It’s unnerving for those who are listening to them. They will feel as if others don’t care about them if someone disagrees with them.
When you see them, nod and say yes. On the phone, say something like, what a shame. You don’t have to mean it though. At least by pretending to agree with them you won’t hear that you should be agreeing with them.
I used to disagree with people that complained about everything until I realized that it gave them something to debate. I don’t wish to have a debate with people like this.
I realized that they were not interested in what I had to say and I would be wasting my breath telling them how I felt. I decided not to stress myself out by trying to reason with an unreasonable person.
One coping idea: Many years ago when I needed to be at mom's only a couple of nights a week and could get by with nightly phone calls the rest of the time, I would multi-task: for example, I had some leg exercises I would do while on the phone, or I'd do some housecleaning.
Also: Unless you have something really compelling to offer in terms of making mom feel better about her own situation (e.g., Neighbor X just Y; so glad that's not us!), maybe just go with expressions of sympathy. Resist the urge to try to fix her mood since that doesn't seem to help and just makes you both feel worse (if I'm reading right).
Finally: It can sometimes be helpful to imagine the LO as a character in a movie or TV show. If some actor captured all my mother's misery for the screen, they would be lauded for their "devastating" performance. I notice that I'm perfectly happy to subject myself to horrible TV-character behavior but then feel my blood pressure shoot up when it's family. So occasionally this little pretend-they-are-a-character trick works. (The ethics of the trick is, of course, a separate matter, beyond the scope of this reply.)
And then of course anytime the conversation starts to go off track, you can just cut the conversation short saying that you have someplace to be, or better yet, you can be honest and tell them when they're done with their pity party you will be happy to continue talking to them, but until then BYE BYE!
1. Adult Day Care
2. Evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression
3. Leaving the phone away from your ear while they talk--murmur hmm-hmm and "I know" if there is silence. (I learned that technique from my mom).