I started this discussion last year. Really appreciate everyone's advice, but never really resolved it:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-in-law-less-independent-181558.htm
Long story short, we've been suspicious there's been some underlying health issues with my ILs. FIL acts odd and needy when we visit. My MIL's parents are both still alive (96 and 99). They seem to be able to get around and even drive still, but my MIL is taking care of a bulk of their medical arrangements. I think the stress is wearing her down at the least...possibly killing her slowing. She used to call me up and sometimes cry about it, but she never talks about it fully to her own son (DH is an only). This year she has become very aloof and that is what worries us most. I think DH is scared. He oscillates between calling them every day to every other day to going a couple weeks without really talking. We were supposed to all visit in a couple weeks with DD (she is 7) and our dogs. MIL has told us they don't want dogs over. She mentioned she worries the cats will puke up their meds and the dogs will eat them, but I think it's truly FIL has become more and more fearful of the dogs hurting the cats—even though two of them have have visited before and are gentle with our cats (the third is big and we don't take him to their house). She's also said there are loads of appointments they are going to. I believe the last. I think they are very stressed and perhaps this is not a good time to visit with DD (as much as everyone wants to see one another). But maybe it'd be a good idea DH go up on his own? He could talk to MIL then (they've always had trouble finding time to talk when DD is there with us). I think his parents need to see him (and perhaps vice versa). Are there quick resources I can send him that can give openings into these discussions? Also, what kinds of things should he look for when he visits?
I forget how far it is; perhaps you could drive separately? Do your recon together....then you could shoot home and husband could stay a little longer?
If this sounds like logistical insanity, at least it's logistical insanity that you and your husband planned in advance. Someday the phone will ring, and you'll need to upend your household like this without warning. And with 4 elders in their various states, your phone and your suitcase will get a workout in upcoming years.
You and husband really need to make a pre-emergency assessment of all this. As soon as possible. And -- this is crucial -- you must evaluate what IS. Not what you wish for. Not what they were capable of 1 year ago or 10 years ago. It's all about now. And the future.
Move. Act. Trust me on this. Right now you are up in arms about dogs and cats. But as you say, there is more and it is already happening. Snap into action! Don't wait until they have done something irrevocable with money. Then you will truly be singing the blues. It can be ruinous.
QUIT WRINGING YOUR HANDS AND DO SOMETHING -- OR FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.
Greta, this IS support. You wanted support and we are giving you the green light. Mobilize. Now.
And stay in touch. Let us know how you are doing. Your status, as many know, is critical. You are not alone in this. There are lot so people in your situation.
We're working things out currently and trying to stay positive. Counseling is definitely in our future. We have a happy marriage beyond all this, but issues with our parents (mine make his look like a heart-warming sitcom) have been shaking things up. Will update later.
Concerns about the cats are being addressed. Sounds like MIL has similar worries about FIL as we do, but FIL's doctor has been blowing her off claiming its just aging and "guy stuff."
Then DH's grandmother is really unhappy (probably bored) due to lost mobility—even with support. People from her church and family visit and help out but she is still very unhappy as she can't walk easily due to pain. She is the type of person who is always on the go and this is making it very hard for her to do what she loves which is making her miserable.
Hubby is going up again, and we are all going up a little later and staying at a hotel for a longer period. The plan is to stay late one or more nights and talk, but my husband is at least getting it started. My MIL very much has things together (as much as a person can in that kind of situation), but she is tired, angry, sad, and overwhelmed—and it is wearing her away.
We want to keep talking with her to help her and the rest of the family.
So happy to hear this. Sounds like you can exhale a bit.