I am not sure where to start. I know I have posted before about my brother. Well the good news is that my mom is doing great.

My husband is helping me put up some boundaries . Him and all my friends are trying to get me to stop blaming myself for my mom and brother relationship like it’s my fault. In a way I think my mom blames me for giving my brother a copy of my daddy’s will which was sent because it had been probated. I am not responsible or is my mom for what my daddy put in his will. The will said that if my mom died before my dad the farm would go to a trust. I don’t understand what happens with that. Well that doesn’t matter because my mom owned the property jointly and his will gives everything to my mom upon his death. My brother doesn’t understand this. He said they took it to the lawyer and this is it. I get half of the income from the farm and my brother the other half. This is not fair my brother has worked so hard on this farm it’s his life my mom and him have had quite the relationship over the years.

He just keeps bringing up that I got to leave thirty years ago for college and have a life like I abandoned my parents. That’s farther than the truth half the time I don’t know who To believe because they both lie. Then he calls me when he calls to say all these nasty things about our mom. Everybody is like every time I talk about it it’s like it’s the first time talking about it. I don’t mean to do it but it’s so raw.

I have wanted him in my life forever we were so close growing up but he is 8 years older. I knew he loved me but he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I was so excited to show them our house I made snacks and everything they stayed 5 minutes when he had a lady friend he turned to me and we met for coffee after he got off work he called all the time it’s awful but it meant so much to me also because this woman made him feel good about himself where my sister in law put him down all the time. One day she is talking to our family and the next she isn’t my mom helped her through all of this anyway he said he is done with her and everything it’s all mine. He said he knows I cannot handle it physically but this is it we have to cut grass and take care of her (which he hasn’t anyway) and maintenance and the bathroom he said he put in for a transfer with work and he is selling everything even tools with my grandpa name on it my heart was breaking for him.

I know the farm was his life but it’s not mine, it’s my moms and then he said tell me where to send the flowers all I did was listen. I don’t want to say the wrong thing but I then blame myself and I am teriffied I will never see him again. all I ever wanted to do was to make him proud of me he said recently that i was daddy’s little girl and my brother who died wad daddy’s little boy who was he? at a very young age i took on the role of making sure everything was okay but i also was a people pleaser I always didn’t feel like I was a part of the family because they all had the connection of Larry and I tried to make my mom and Dad get along and if they didn’t it was my fault and all mom talked about was how great my brother was like I was invisible and Larry was an innocent little boy. But I was always compared to him a saint so I look like my dad and my brother my dad dealt with losing him different. He had female friends and I tried so hard to get him to notice me by playing soft ball and hard ball and playing in the band that’s when he was always there or Sunday movies in order to help my mom I went to weight watchers at the age of 10 I lost 5 pounds and she noticed me it was baby fat well 5 turned into 10 into 89 pounds and straight A and volley ball and more soft ball but I got to weak for soft ball in high school. I was a cheerleader, homecoming queen, showed my horse, my daddy was so proud of me he always had been and he would get upset with my mom for pushing me so hard but I was making her happy by almost killing my self but I always wanted my brother to be proud of me.

There is so much we are mowing the grass every week and then my husband wants to start on the bathroom plus we have to make a bedroom up here because my father in law moves in in August my brother has blocked all of our phone numbers so I told her taxes are due in July and she usually gets paid in March. She knows she has to go through her lawyer and send a certified letter about when she will get the money and so much more but she was telling the doctor I was doing it no way that’s their business it is just so painful seeing this and feeling like you did it and I have no control and when I am with her all she does is yells at me. I was ready to leave the first hour there. I don’t know where to start I am tired of this feeling so raw, sorry for the rant I am just really hurting.