Hi, I am new at this and not sure where to start. I am taking care of my 52 year old brother-in-law who has alcohol induced dementia. He was diagnosed about a year ago and has been living with my husband and me for about 6 months now. My husband works so I am the primary caregiver. Sometimes it gets very overwhelming. Johnny (my brother-in-law) has 3 grown children of his own but they don't help me with his care. Johnny is in the mid stages of Dementia, he doesnt seem to care about anything anymore. It is very hard sometimes and I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about it. My husband doesnt want to believe that this is happening to his brother so we have a really hard time talking about it.
I guess I just need to know that there are other people out there that know what I am going through.
Thank you for listening to me.
Brenda
I just read your email and had to say, I know how hard this is. I hope you can get a break.
lisalives
I know what you mean about going crazy, sometimes thats how I feel, like I am the one that is losing my mind. Anyway its really nice to meet you and I hope we talk again.
Brenda
I am also new to this site. But it has helped so much in just the few days I have been on. You are not alone in your feelings. I know I get crazy at times, feel resentment, and just plain tired.
Hopefully his children will come around more often, but I have children in their 20's and they do not understand the situation with their grandmother. They think they do, but not really.
Please vent all that you need we are here for you.......
While I am not new at this, I understand the feeling of going crazy. I have been a part-time caregiver for my mother for 20 plus years (before that it was full time for my dad 2 years right out of college).Now it is full time for my mom for the past 4 years. I know from experience that you have to get some help on a regular basis or your health won't hold out. Brenda, you need to have a sit down meeting with your brother-in-laws children and let them know what their responsibility is. They need to understand that you are taking on a big part of their responsibility! If they aren't willing to take their dad (or stay with him at your home so you can get away), they need to take some financial responsibility so that you can hire some respite help. I was only 19 when my father was diagnosed with advanced cancer and I understood my responsibility. If need be they can pick up an extra job. Their primary concern needs to be meeting your needs since you are caring for THEIR dad. Take care of yourself and good luck!
Brendalou
You know something, I just realized that I feel alot better just being able to let all this out. It really does help. Maybe there is hope for me after all. LoL. Anyway, I just want to thank you all for listening.
Brenda
Hard as it is for your brotherin lay to treat you badly, you have to remeber that it is the dementia and not really him! I still say stay on his kids. They have a responsibility to help. I so agree that finding this site is a blessing. Knowing that I am not the only one struggling through this helps so much. I used to stand outside and cry at night feeling totally isolated. Now I am on the computer meeting new people in my same situation and feeling so much a part of a group that cares and supports each other. Thank you all so much!! God Bless!
Brendalou
After visiting this site and reading about what other people go through, I am feeling like I am very lucky and have very little to complain about. When I am in the midst of everything it is hard to see that.
God Bless you all, lisalives
Do get some time for yourself. I know from experience that is very hard to do at times. As I said in a post the other day. I finally got to take a nap I had forgot what it felt like, it was very nice. So if you can steal a few minutes away please do.
Carol
Yes it sure does help to be able to vent, and again thank you all for listening.
Brenda
With my brother-in-law, I know the day is coming when I will have no choice but to put him in a nursing home and I don't want to until I just have to, but he will need more care than I can give him. Right now he cant remember to chew his food and twice I have had to take him to the hospital because he had meat lodged in his esophagus and couldn't eat or drink anything, so now I have to put all his food in a blender or give him baby food. And the guilt is very real that I feel about it because Johnny never wanted to go to a nursing home. He has 3 grown children and they don't help me out very much either and don't help me financally at all.
You have to take care of yourself though and knowing that there are other people who are going through the same thing and being able to vent my frustration on here certainly have helped me alot. I hope that it will help you. We are all here for you.
God Bless you
Brenda
It's often hard to tell friends why the dementia is happening and then they just say "well, he brought it on himself." Your husband likely as very mixed emotions about it all. Likely your brother-in-law's kids have a checkered past with their father, too.
So, you are the caregiver. You are the one to handle the fallout. But you need to get help. Hopefully, you husband will find a way to get some paid help to relieve you. You have to take care of yourself, and there's a limit to how much of this you can do without respite. Try to get to Al-Anon or Families Anonymous meetings. That could help you with a lot of this, and it's free (if you can just get out.)
Carol
My daughter has offered to help once in awhile. When I was taking my mother for her cancer treatments my daughter would come over and stay with Johnny while I was gone. She is 30 years old and she is a big help to me.
It may sound silly, but what is respite? I have never heard of it. Could someone explain it to me? I guess I really do need to get out more (lol).
Brenda
The people you are caring for won't want to have someone else, because they are used to you. But, for your own health, you need help. It's good your daughter can help some. But maybe you can get someone to sit with your brother-in-law while you go to an Al-anon meeting (or you and your husband - it would help him learn to accept his brother's condition). Use it for whatever you need, but do try to find it.
There are volunteers with the Retired Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP) that can sometimes come and sit and visit with the sick person. Faith based groups like block nurses can help. You may want to contact your local Area Agency on Aging or go to www.n4a.org, to see if they can direct you to local services. Adult social services with your county can be helpful, as well.
Please promist yourself you will try to get some help before you are the one who is sick.
Carol
I have been very lucky with my parents. They live on their on so far and are able to on the most part take care of their selves. I do try to help them out when I can and my children help out alot with the things that my parents aren't able to do anymore. So there is alot of help there. But you are right when the time comes that they no longer are able, I will be the one to care for them. I can see that now on just the few things that I do. I have 1 sister and 2 brothers, the 1 sister and 1 brother live far away and the 1 brother that is close by never seems to have time to help, so I can already see who it will be left up to. Oh well I love my parents very much and I would do anything for them that I can.
Thank you Carol for your kind words and I will check out the n4a.org.
Brenda
Take care and please keep in touch.
Carol
My grandmother had open heart surgury about 4 years ago and hasn't been then same since. I am not sure what happened to her during the surgury or what but she isn't the same. She went into the hospital with only a 10% chance of surving the surgury and sailed through it like there wasn't anything to it. She only spent one day in ICU and then was put on the regular floor with other heart patients. She was only in the hospital for like 3 days with the whole deal. She was sent home with the instructions that she needed to walk and exersize as much as possible to get her strength back up. Well she didn't , she just wanted to sit around and not do anything that the doctors told her to do. Keep in mind before she had his surgury she was fine, she cut her own grass and kept her house clean. My mother came and lived with her for 4 months to try to help her get better, but she got to where she couldn't take it anymore and the doctors that she was seeing told her that if she didn't leave she would end up in the hospital on the nutt floor because she was going crazy and was told she had a major depressive disorder.
I started just staying with her at night just to make her feel a little better about being in the house alone at night. That was all find and good, but we noticed something wasn't right come to find out they gave her the wrong meds and her thyroid went crazy because of it.
My grandmother has three kids and only me and my mom do anything for her. My mom does the bath and helps cut the grass. I take care of the gro. bills and meds and some doctor appointments my mother does others. Her other doughter's do nothing , one uses the excuse she is in school full time and has 3 kids, so she doesn't have time, and the other is that she has to work to put her doughter through school and she has church. There for everything falls on me and my mom.
My grandmother got to the point to where she didn't want to go to church, or see family unless I was there. She won't go out to eat, she won't even drive. All she does is lay in the bed, or complain because I didn't do something that she wanted me to do, or sit in her recliner.
Well, tonight I was in her room sitting talking to her just to see what she might have to say. She come off the wall with some stuff that just blew my mind. Things that I never thought I would ever hear come out of her mouth. She told me " I know how to kill myself since you took all of my meds and my guns away from me." It was just an out of the blue thing just blew my mind. I was just wondering what she would say so I asked her " How?" She told me " get a 5 gallon bucked and a razor blade, cut my wrist and watch the blood run out until I was dead, how much blood is in a human body anyways?" It just flipped me out completly. I am not sure weather or not I should call her doctor's and tell them what she said or what so I called my mom. She isn't sure what to do either. Help me with this choice. I am scared that if I tell her doctor she will be mad at me, and he will lock up on the nutt floor. I am not sure how much more I can take of this kind of talk.
She has been miserable since she had the surugry!
Any advice is welcome
Trisha
Again, you can't put yourself through this. It's unfortunately all too common where the care falls on the one who will do it. And isn't it ironic that one adult child can't because she has "church"? I've heard that before, too, and it blows me away.
Anyway, you must get help with this. I doubt your grandmother is going to kill herself, but if she did you'd blame yourself. However, the fact that she is thinking the way she is indicates she needs help. You'll have to make yourself detach from her anger by knowing what you are doing is right.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
bwthrs
I had to get 7 horse's feet trimmed and shoes on them. My grandmother didn't understand I had been out in the sun from 7:30 A.M. until about 3:45 P.M. and I was zapped by the heat I think it was upwards of like 98 or maybe even 100 today, I wanted to come in and get cool before I did anything, but no she wouldn't leave me alone, and on top of her nagging and everything I have had a headache for the past 3 days and can't get rid of it.
I told my boyfriend tonight that we are going to run away to his parents house in Montgomery for a few days just to get me away from here.
As far as anyone other than your Mom and you helping - if they were going to they already would be. Trust me, you need to forget about them helping and move on to other options. Or the resentment and stress toward them will just continue to build and they will still not come through for you. Then you just add the stress of dealing with them on top of all you are already dealing with. You and your mom sit down and look at this whole situation factually as if you were helping a family with the exact same problem. What would you tell them to do? As much as you can take the emotion out of your thinking and planning. You and your mom sound like really kind people...you will make a compassionate choice that will benefit you all and allow you to have some joy back in your lives. Take care.
You must inform the doctor to how she acting and what she is saying. She may get angry at you, but it is for her good. She may be depressed and something else may be going on. It could be her medication, in other words it could be anything. And it could be something that can be fixed easily.
Do you have a local Case Coornidation Unit or senior services and try and get a homemaker in there for a few hours a day. This will help a lot. Just to get away for a while knowing she is being taken care of.
I tried to do it by myself thinking it would not be anything. But it is very hard work. It works on your mental and emotions so much. It really can drain you very fast.
Please call the doctor and tell him about your grandmother. He may have numbers for you call to get someone in the home to help you. Homemakers can clean the homes, do grocery shopping, and take them to the doctor appointments.
I have decided not to worry about his kids, I'm just going to face the fact that they don't want to be a part of his life and go on with our life. It will be their lose in the end.
Be happy your doing the best you can. I am so glad there is a resource like this to connect with others. I learned I sure am not alone. I learned I really don't have much to complain about think about some of the stories and years people do this.
Smile someone else might catch it!
I hope you find something financial soon. If he can not get Social Security what about SSI that is what it is called in my state. It is for people that do not qualify for Social Security. It is a Supplementary Income.
Take care
Carol