I can't wait until Mom passes and I can then limit interactions with my siblings. Does anyone else feel this way?

Fentanyl is being used? I just read if not administered correctly it can kill. Thats what they are lacing drugs with and its killing people. I thought it was Morphine and anxiety meds Hospice used?

"What is fentanyl? Fentanyl is a powerful synthetic opioid that is similar to morphine but is 50 to 100 times more potent."

Your siblings need to realize that Hospice means the end. So what if Mom gets addicted. She will be pain free. They are doing more harm than good and the Nurse should be telling them this.

At 73 and seeing what is becoming of families, I wonder why people have children. I was raised in a small town with 5 of my Dads siblings living here. I was close with Aunts and cousins. It was really nice. But, the cousins grew up, some off to college not to return. If it wasn't for Facebook, I would never hear from them. My brothers, one is 7 hrs away, keep in touch thru SIL. Other brother 30min away and have not heard from him since Mom passed in 2017. I text, no replies. You have families because they are the ones that seem to love you no matter what and are there for you. But seems like no more.

As the oldest of 3 I am tired of trying to "keep it together". Tired of the one who was always reaching out. It would be so nice if someone reached out to me. "Hey Jo, just calling to see how ur doing".

Lightjoy, let it go. Really, let it go. Just talking about my brothers, makes my heart hurt. So...I learned long ago to let it go. Have no expectations. Take advantage of what comes along. I have a friend of 68 yrs that lives in another state (bridge involved) that is not 30 min away. We hardly see each other. I wanted to go to a Diner over there on Sunday so called my friend and said if she could, meet us there and she did. We had a nice time.

"My sister quit her job that she hated and and is now charging to care for my Mom. I didn't take any money for my caretaking. "

Why shouldn't she charge?

Paganini: "I was the exec on her will and living will, PoA, etc.. A few months ago, age 94, she said she wanted me to come and see her to talk business. I did. Big mistake. She sneakily managed to move closer to me (sold her place). Not close enough that it's convenient for me, but close enough for her to have expectations of me. So here I am, making her meals, driving in conditions that pretty much terrify me, and so on."

Why don't you remove yourself from these positions (executrix, POA, etc.)?

Yes. Been there . I have limited communication with 2 of my 4 siblings. You have to do what is healthy for you .

I understand. My mother has been abusive toward me all of my life. However, she trained me well enough that it's always been hard for me to break away from her, and she's always been able to reel me back in. She has 5 kids. She's totally estranged from 2 of her kids, very nearly so with one, another (my full brother who inherited everything from his father, grandfather, and then his step-mother by threatening her with a gun to make her change her will so that I was left nothing) is nosing around hoping for an inheritance from his mother he's never had anything to do with and always hated.

I finally managed to get some distance from her at age 60. She always said she would outlive me, and I decided she probably would, so I'd at least live part of my life without her. I sent her bday cards, mother's day cards, xmas cards, but kept my distance, which I found very painful to do as I had taken care of her through a good deal as well as looking after three 1/2 siblings from the time I was 8 until 14 while suffering her beatings everyday. At that point, I went into care, which was no picnic either. It took me many, many years to get on my feet.

She began to weasel in again via email about 5 years ago via emails.

I was the exec on her will and living will, PoA, etc.. A few months ago, age 94, she said she wanted me to come and see her to talk business. I did. Big mistake. She sneakily managed to move closer to me (sold her place). Not close enough that it's convenient for me, but close enough for her to have expectations of me. So here I am, making her meals, driving in conditions that pretty much terrify me, and so on.

I can't believe how much "stuff" she has. OMG! It's mostly junk. When I asked if we could thin things out, "Oh no! This will all be yours, some day, after 'the kids' take whatever they want. You can keep any money you make selling it." (It'll cost a fortune to get rid of it, and "the kids" are already taking anything of value. I lay awake at night worrying about how to do it.)

She doesn't have a lot of money, but she's given quite a lot to two grandsons and trust funds for some great-grandchildren because their parents phone her from time to time and put the kids (babies) on skype calls. She sent one nephew $5,000 recently for him to bring his wife and kids to see her. That's all - ALL - they do for her. Oh, that one sends flowers on her bday. Meanwhile, during my life, she's used me a lot, including stealing money from me. So, I'm feeling pretty resentful.

I don't have a lot. When I mentioned (pointedly) that I would have to buy new tires for my car because I was driving in winter weather to take her meals and to various appointments, she pointedly ignored me. She has paid for some of my gas, but very little of anything else, such as her groceries.

So yes. Most days I wonder how much longer this will last, and look forward to the day I never again have to have anything to do with any of these people. It's been bloody awful, start to finish. I had a great-aunt who was awful cranky. I didn't understand why. She left her (sizeable) estate to charity. I think of her from time to time. I plan to leave the little I have to anyone, or any charity other than any of these awful people, including anything my mother may leave me that survives dissolving her estate. Turns out that was the reason she contacted me. The grandchildren she's leaving money to are very busy working and with families and don't have time for her stuff

She admonishes me constantly not to ever consider putting her in assisted living (never mind what she thinks of a nursing home). She won't tolerate homecare and complains bitterly about meal services, housekeepers, etc.. Her "very busy" grandkids live in big expensive homes. I live in a one bedroom manufactured home. So, she can't come here.

I'll be so glad when this is over.

Don't be tricked into feeling guilty LightJoy. There are very good reasons for feeling like families need to be left behind

Thanks, Lea.

We actually made amends before mom died and realized that none of us were perfect. We all screwed up in one way or another but there was always love underneath if that makes any sense.

You know how sad it is to watch a mother fade away. You have been through this too. We realized that our mother was the major focus for us and I believe that strengthened our relationship with each other.

Holding onto resentment is a waste of time and energy. Healing isn’t possible in every situation. I’m certainly not a ‘Pollyanna’ type of person. I’m realistic. But when healing is possible I am all for it!

I strongly believe in keeping the door open for people. They either choose to walk through it or they walk away. I leave that up to them. If someone wants to find their way back, they will. They can’t do that if the door is closed. That’s my belief. I don’t tell others what to believe because they have to believe it for themselves.

NeedHelpWithMom: I've always admired your willingness to make amends with your brothers after your mom passed. I know you guys were at odds for a long while, and they did some hurtful things, yet you put it all behind you and chose to forgive them. Such forgiveness goes SO much further towards personal healing than anything else. My hat is off to the 3 of you for being so open towards reconciling.

Actually, you're well advised to step away from ALL of this NOW instead of wishing your mother's passing to happen quickly so you can limit interactions with your siblings. Since you feel that "dad passed away & with him gone the family is falling apart, which is good......", then you've lost perspective on the meaning of family & are too resentful to continue on in any caregiving role, imo.

"Using a painkiller card" makes no sense to me. Painkillers while on hospice is the whole purpose of hospice; to make an elder's last days on earth peaceful and comfortable. Not to mention, minimal doses of Norco are minimally helpful. I've never heard of hospice prescribing/using either of these medications, in my experience with them. To worry about 'addiction' or anything else negatively associated with pain meds at THIS STAGE OF THE GAME is mind boggling to me, yet we hear about it quite a bit around here. In my will I've made it ABUNDANTLY clear I want the good stuff, lots of it, and to be knocked out as needed. That's why I'd hire hospice vs. going back & forth to the hospital to manage a terminal disease. FWIW, I have an RX on my nightstand right NOW for morphine 15 mg, up to 2 at once, every 4 hours, to manage my pain and I'm not on hospice. Plus I have the same RX for oxycodone, same dosing. I'm not an 'addict' nor are those meds doing anything but HELPING me manage an otherwise unmanageable situation.

You told your siblings that the situation had to change b/c you needed help, so your sister quit her job and is 'now charging' to care for your mom. Should we all work for free at our jobs so we're unable to make ends meet? Why should your sister NOT charge for her caregiving services if your mother has any $$$ at all? Just b/c you didn't? You were 'right' and she is 'wrong'? When you stop putting such labels on things is when you take back YOUR peace. You've gotten the help from her you've asked for; did you advise her there was a caveat TO the help she was offering you and mom??

You don't have to 'like the way the siblings' think in order to recognize them as family members and attempt to build bridges rather than burn them down. In the end, all that matters IS family. Unless these siblings are purposely trying to ruin your life or kill you, perhaps their hearts hurt just the way yours is and you are ALL having difficulty processing all the pain.

Don't ever wish for a family to fall apart b/c there is a difference of opinion on certain matters relating to hospice or caregiving in general. Step back from this situation even if that means relinquishing your POA now. Let your sister take over fully so you can let go of ALL of this.

Caregiving is THE hardest thing on earth to do, and I understand that myself. I too would pray that mom (and dad) would pass sooner rather than later b/c of the pain they were both in, knowing that eternal peace beats the hell out of living in pain just to live a little longer.

Your level of burnout and/or compassion fatigue is understandable after 22 years of managing your folks' money & bills, and after over 1 year of doing the majority of caretaking and running her home with scheduling caregivers, bill paying, groceries, etc. Recognize what's happening here and address it in order to find peace within yourself. That's what's important here, not severing ties with family members or anything else.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

It’s sad that you and your siblings are at odds. This is a common situation.

I didn’t always get along with my siblings either, for good reasons. I am happy to say that we worked things out due to a common love for our mother. We have a good relationship with each other now. So, you never know what the future holds.

I am not going to judge you or your family because I don’t know all of your family dynamics. Families have all sorts of heartaches. No one has a perfect family. Mine certainly wasn’t.

The thing that most jumped out at me on your posting was about your mom’s pain. She’s on hospice. Hospice is about comfort.

My mom received morphine from hospice and I was extremely grateful that she didn’t suffer with unnecessary pain. If you have POA, why aren’t you using it to relieve your mother’s pain?

Some people are anti meds and it’s horribly sad. I’m sorry that your siblings aren’t concerned about your mother’s pain. I often wonder if the anti med people would change their stance if they were the ones in pain.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

You mentioned not continuing a relationship with your siblings after your mom dies. That’s your business and you certainly don’t have to have any relationship with them if you don’t want to.

The most important thing to be focused on now though, is seeing that your mom is comfortable. You have POA. I can’t imagine what is stopping you from doing this.

The past is gone. Live for today. Focus on that.

I am so sorry. I never had siblings other than my brother, who needed me toward the end of his life to step in to handle some things for him. I would have longed to have the support. Without your sister you would still be doing hands on care yourself, or your Mom would be in placement, whether for good or ill. So there is that and it sometimes helps to recognize the bright side as well.
It is likely too difficult now to give up your POA unless your sister is already written in as second; in that latter case I would turn over the POA.
I see no reason myself to limit pain relief for a mom in hospice at this point. But that is up to the POA, and there may simply be too much "discussion" going on here. Which often leads to argument. It is like having too many chefs managing the stew. It causes confusion.
I would step back. Mom is currently in the care of other sister. Be supportive.
And of course, when Mom is gone and you are not required to be a united front, you are probably well advised to step away, for at the very least a breather.
My best out to you. Your feelings expressed here are well known on Forum, and you aren't alone.