My mother and I could not be more Unalike. I am outgoing and make friends easily. She stays home in her little cocoon and will never pick up the phone. That is our background and past.
Now, she at 91 and me at 66 and newly widowed (hate that word) live together. She moved in before my husband passed. She has been here 2 years.
When she lived on her own, I would visit weekly and take her to lunch and/or shopping, having tea and go home. I always felt we were like friends.
Now, she lives in a 600 sf guest suite in my home. I try to get her to go out with others, but she will only go if THEY invite her. I have given up...I tell her she is old enough to know what she wants and do what she wants, even if it is watching TV and staring out the window all day.
She just set me off again on a tangent (by myself-not in front of her or she would freak out). She is asking me one item at a time for gift wrapping. I finally said that it is all on the kitchen island and she can choose what she needs. I then said I would be gone most of tomorrow. She said "oh, good. Then I will go in the kitchen and do my wrapping." I asked why she couldn't get her items now. "Oh, I will be in the way." She always makes me feel that I am some sort of mean nasty daughter who is keeping her jailed up! I take that back...I make me feel that way...like a daughter guilt that I am not doing enough.
I know that I am ranting, but I am so tired of being the responsible one...and have never had time alone in my own home since my husband passed last year.
She just won't go anywhere! I have to leave my home to be alone...
No, I am not an only child. I have a brother who lives out of state and visits her once or twice a year (In my home).
Please tell me that I am not a bad person. Please tell me that there are others out there feeling the same way.
I would imagine she's tired and worn out. If she's able to prepare her meals safely, then great. Some people might be spry at that age, but many aren't. If she has dementia, that makes it even more understandable. Whether it's age related decline or dementia. Just accept her, don't take things personally and accept that your house is not your home right now. Try to see things through her eyes. If she stays in her section of the house, you should still have some privacy.
My cousin told me that the same scenario happened a few years ago with my mother's sister before she died. All in the family! I just hate feeling like I am a villain
As for the gift wrap example; it sounds as though she feels she isn't in her own home and doesn't want to intrude upon yours, so in her own way she is trying to give you your space. It's not easy for two independent individuals to coexist together, she is feeling like a burden, which probably makes her hide away all the more, and you are feeling like a mean spirited daughter because you resent never having time to just think of you.
Maybe you could both use a little vacation from each other. Could she try a month respite stay at assistive living, or she could travel to brother's for her next time with him?
So, does your mom have dementia, or has this been her personality MO forever, or both? If she's still "with it" you need to have a conversation where you negotiate what the "house rules" are.
But if she has dementia , she may not be able to do that. You may need to do a lot of reading here, watch some Teepa Snow videos, and learn the applicable techniques.
It sounds as though you are still grieving/adjusting to widowhood? Have you sought counseling, a grief support group or seen your doctor about this? Sometimes the support of medication and talk therapy can make a world of difference.
You are so NOT a bad person!