I left AgingCare as a regular member several years ago due to illness. I posted a question that I needed advice on.

Not being very computer-oriented, I think I sometimes, erroneously, "respond" to the wrong person, not the person for whom my response is intended. Then my comment may be rather inappropriate. I must work at correcting this. (I'm elderly myself, and have some minor cognitive difficulties...verbal abilities, not so much) But if I feel strongly, I try to be as objective as possible. On the other hand, I live independently in a covid19 "locked down" facility. Rarely have a chance to talk to another live human being, so possibly get "carried away". I apologize to anyone affected.

Shadow child. I think you have me confused with someone else. I have no son. Never did have (sadly enough). Two lovely daughters, and couldn't be happier about them. As I said, nothing but good wishes for you ongoing and moving forward, especially for health. With it, everything else can be handled. Take care of yourself. Best wishes.

Alva Deer,
I joined this site when things became the most chaotic with my family 10 years ago. At that time, I was the main caretaker for my father along with my 18 year old son who was my 84 year old father's youngest grandchild. Dad was moved 6 times in 9 months. I learned to accept the truth from each set of doctors and nurses. I cried in private. My 84 year old WW2 pilot father had grieved over what he had to do during that war, but he had made peace with God. His DNR was repeated verbally and was in writing on his computer file.However, my brother intubated him in secret and against the laws in our state.
Dad had talked to me about war, and I was even pulled out of my classroom one day because he thought he was in a prison camp. I have walked a path of love with most of my siblings, but we were very different. My mother allowed me to be raised by grandparents, maids, and the boarding school my brothers and I attended. Each one of us had our own set of strengths. The misuse of alcohol became very evident while Dad was ill. My mother should not have been drinking during that time. She was in her first year of recovery from her TBI. I tried to explain that to siblings, but they disagreed. That is one of my teaching fields. She entered dementia more rapidly due to that. Her neurologists told all of us that.
I have so much documentation regarding her medical neglect. My brothers have destroyed and neglected the recreational areas of the farm despite offers from numerous farmers to help her for free in return for fishing in the lake once or twice a year. My brothers declined. They do not own the land.
My home is near my parent's farm. We did not live there all of the time as children.We lived in a nearby large city part of the time. My brothers allowed my Mother to turn her house into a hoarders nightmare. I would have helped her organize and place things in file cabinets in the garage and heated/cooled it. I am walking away from the land where I spent all of my time outside of boarding school. It wasn't a grand boarding school and was once just for boys. My father attended it. Mother's six bedroom country home has been condemned. It wasn't fancy, but my Father wanted all of his children and their families to enjoy all of what the farm once offered.
However, I have a wonderful son and his family to love. I also tutor special needs students without charge. I knit, garden, and lean on my church. I have walked away from everyone except for my Mother and her needs. I am going to fight for them. My younger brother is basically a good person with serious anger and PTSD issues. My older brother is old enough to be my younger brother's father. My older brother has made his own rules since he was born, and was once a good family practitioner. He was fired from the clinic he started with 6 friends after 25 years. He has since lost numerous jobs. He should not be allowed to have medical power of attorney over anyone.
I was a lead special ed. teacher for 10 years. I realize good advice comes with some bad news sometimes,but I did not expect people to react with such aggression when I tried to express the crazy world I never thought I would be in. Practical, kind advice is good, though, even if I don't agree with it. Having someone listen helps.
1, So, if this sounds like BS and self-aggrandizement to Barb from Brooklyn, she needs to know a few facts. After years of dealing with parents of children, I am aware of statements that judge and teeter closely towards libel. It is easy to say things when you don't have to say them to someone's face.
2. Bullying ANYWHERE is against the law. I am not referring to you.
3. Barb made a deliberate attempt to look back into my profile to 2014. My life has changed since then in many good ways, but some of the negative issues have increased and changed. Why would she want to do that?
4. My father bought additional land for Mom's care.

I will continue to keep you and your son in my prayers

I am very pleased to read your Mother has now been moved into a safer enviroment. This is the result of hard work advocating for her needs. I hope she settles into this new arrangement & you find peace also. Stellar job probably does not even come close.

I wish you luck with the court side of things too. I have no knowledge of law & know for myself I would need much time to digest whether to go down that path or not. I do understand wanting to do all you can. So even if no more can be changed... you have done your very best.

Good wishes to you.

As this thread has kind of morphed from an actual question into a more broad discussion, does anyone remember dear, dear, DR. Laura (Schlessinger) on the radio in bygone days?
I loved that woman's show. She was so unlike me. She was religious and more to the right in politics. I am an atheist and middle to left in politics. But she was SO RIGHT ON. And she would always cut right to the chase. She was wonderful at telling people that they were not going to "change" anyone, and their choice was to deal with things best they could, or remove themselves from the situation. Her best advice was always so simple. Many times, like the best Shrinks and Psychologists, it came down to some very, very tough love. And it was almost NEVER giving agreement and sympathy.
Some of my favorite things she said was "Not everything can be fixed". And it is so true. There were other things oft repeated I can't come up with right now. Help? I will have to add that in the end she got hoisted on her own petard because she couldn't just come out and say "I'm sorry"; the sticking point got blown ever and ever more out of proportion, and she walked away. Who knows, she was likely more than ready to do so. Or she wouldn't have.
But I miss her still.
Shadow, you used the word "scapegoat". That is one that LC uses also. I hope you aren't the same person, but just kind of picked that word up from her comments. Both the "scapegoat" and "gaslighting" are very interesting by definition. With very interesting histories. Gaslighting is actually really fascinating, as the evil perpetrator attempts to make the poor victim question his or her own sanity. I will just end by saying I think no one here is insane, nor would I want them to think that I think I could make them think they are insane. If that makes sense.
I might suggest Facebook, which I love as much as Forum but try to stick to art and crafts. It is full of groups and we can create our own group on ANY subject under the sun, and be the admin of that group, and set its rules. Though I am on several private groups, being an admin who sets the rules sounds way too tough for me. Admins, beset as they are by us all have my every sympathy!
Shadow, if you are leaving I will tell you to be well, reach for peace and happiness, and will wish you good luck going forward. LC I think is going nowhere. We shall meet to joust again!

One last thought, several of you have seemed to make my attempt for help a mission to exercise criticism. BarbBrooklyn, I apologize my posts were fragmented. I was upset. In previous years, prior to my last serious illness, I was thanked for answering questions in a kind manner but helpful manner by the people who were administrators for this site. The site sent letters of appreciation and 'agingcare' mugs to many of us who answered with truth but kindness. I am a retired special education teacher of 36 years who dealt with abused children who had neurological issues. I have two graduate degrees in these fields. My goal in my class was to make certain each person who entered my room left feeling hopeful. I am leaving this site feeling as if I have been verbally beaten up by several of you. Words can be dangerous. Several of you are reaching the point that you are accusing people. It is true that you only receive one side of a situation, but BarbBrooklyn, no one asked you to make it your mission to rip me apart nor should you judge anyone. Work on yourself first. I wrote what I did after seeing my Mother through the window in the nursing home. I was upset. I did not expect vituperative answers from several of you. Kind but truthful advice was what I needed. I reveal what upsets me on an anonymous site such as this one to avoid causing any gossip hurting anyone in my family. As harsh as this sounds, this site needs to be shut down and restarted with firm guidelines, in my opinion. I imagine that will not happen, but please stop the unkindness to each other.
People, including myself, have been ill with Covid and need wisdom and hope. No one needs judgement, scapegoating, or just sheer meanness. To those of you who were kind or gave practical advice, thank you. You are what this site needs.

Thank You ShadowChild1, and I'm sorry. I am hoping the proper authorities can bring justice and peace for you and your Mother.

I am going to answer a few questions several of you have and attempt to clarify some matters. Then I am leaving this site, because I have looked at some of the previous individuals who have asked questions, and they received the same type of answers. Now you are arguing among yourselves about my question. Really, people ? There are ways to help others without this useless nonsense.
1. My father always made me a contact on his accounts as I did on mine. A
contact is simply someone to call in case the account holder is not available.
2. The statement was made that the powers of attorney could not be changed
since my brothers convinced her to sign paperwork ten years ago. That is
not true since Mother was deemed incapable of making decisions due to a
profound traumatic brain injury. That was elder abuse. It was done in secret.
I was giving Mother between 700 and 1,200 dollars for 8 years to help
support her. After that, both brothers tried to take total control over her and
isolate her from anyone they thought might interfere.
3. Regarding lack of medical care, Mother is now in a safe nursing home. Prior to
this, both brothers have neglected her medical needs until I intervened. This
included dental surgery, vision assistance, appropriate shoes that would
prevent falls, not allowing her to see her geriatric internist, and allowing her to
live in true filth in a once beautiful home while trying to prevent me from
entering what was my home, too, to help her clean up the house. My husband
and I tried to provide her medical needs that were ignored.
4. Mother has repeatedly stated she is afraid of both sons and she does not
what has signed.
5. When I state there is land that can be sold for her care, please understand she
and my father own several hundred acres. Part of the land is not in use and
could have been sold to provide a much better life for her. My brothers
repeatedly told Mother there wasn't the money for her medical needs. Land
should have been sold for her care.
6. This land is not a working farm. It was used for pleasure and retreat. Neither
brother helped with taxes or upkeep after they left home. Once our father and
sister passed away, both swooped down to grab land and power. For 40 yrs.
prior to that, my sister and I took care of our parents. We assisted with
farm needs. She lived 8 hours away, so I was the one my parents called when
they had health emergencies. Both brothers did not become involved except
during the initial emergency.
7. I deposit money into my Mother's checking account to help with NH fees in
addition to what we spend on her personal needs and aids.
8. I am taking this to court with the purpose of asking an appropriate guardian
be named for Mother and her property. This is the most appropriate method
considering her interests must come first. She is physically well, but is edging
into serious dementia. She needs protection.
9. I care about her and love her no matter how difficult she has been. I want to
make certain Mother is safe.
10. Mother has been in the nursing home for two weeks. She is there because I
asked Elder Abuse in my state to help me have her placed in an appropriate
environment.
11. To answer two statements: I am not trying to prove I am right. I want help for
Mother. My family has been dysfunctional all of my life, but it was loving
despite its wackiness. My oldest brother reduced us to this situation due to
abusing his position as a family practitioner, hiding my father's legal Do Not
Resuscitate, intubating him in secret, and becoming irate when he lost his
license for several years.
Now, please move on and drop this.

LC,
I think perhaps you just want to argue, so I'll leave you to it.
While I often do enjoy a good airing of all sides, a debate if you will, it does eventually become a bit circular; for me, this post is there.
If you feel this forum has people who are gaslighting and scapegoating you or others my advice would be that you should consider leaving a page that makes you unhappy. Or press the report buttom when you find advice you don't appreciate, feel gas-lit, or believe you have been scapegoated.
As I did on your "court thread" I wish you good health, good luck, and happiness ongoing. Take good care.

Alva invalidating a fact is gaslighting unless you do not know it as a fact, but not investigating is that not gaslighting? Evidence is one form to prove that. If someone refuses to see the truth that does not mean it does not happen, Scapegoating by saying a fiduciary appointed by the court is better then a family member without knowing all the facts and you do not even believe some are not doing what is in a wards best interest is odd.

LC, we are back to your personal experience, about which we can do really nothing, and it is now over and settled. I am sad it didn't go as you thought it should. If the Court took over and there is a Fiduciary I feel better about it taken out of the hands of siblings and into the hands of the laws set up to protect elders. But that is honestly neither here nor there in what you said below. Below you accused Forum members of "gaslighting" and "scapegoating". If you feel that is the case, I am sorry for it. Once again we must agree to disagree and I wish you the best ongoing.

AlvaDeer I have never once used the word all regarding professional guardians the word I used is some, so please read more carefully please. You seem to assume I have no experience in this matter or know for a fact which it is. What would you do if you or your family member went through that? Would you blame the whole family for one master manipulator? When you show up in court with evidence in hand you are not allowed to speak (due process) the petitioner has an attorney paid by the estate, but the elder is appointed an Ad-Litem that works with the court and the attorney for the petitioner plays golf etc. with the judge. Who do you think is gonna become the guardian? Is it the family member Patient Advocate!! There is not always family disagreements just pure greed. There are good Judges, good lawyers, good doctors and nurses etc., also right in my own family and there is also greed. That does not make me an expert on any of it right! I have eyes and ears and have also see vulnerable elders and adult disabled suffer because of it. Nobody can walk in anybody else’s shoes. All I ask of the people is to be open minded, because it could lNd at heir very own door steps.

LC, there is a big difference between empathy and validating someone's muddy perception of a situatuon.

A case in point. Recent poster is upset that POA in family is not paying credit card bills that have recently appeared in ill parent's name.

I said that bills should be marked "not at this address" and returned. OP stated that she was receiving harassing phone calls from CCs. I asked if perhaps the cards had been opened fraudulently and if there was identity theft. I was taken to task for not reading the post as she had been on her father's accounts. (Huh?)

The person posting these questions seems determined to convince us that she is correct, superior and martyring herself to her mother's care. Her posts (now and in the past) are confusing and contradictory.

There is more empathy and truth-telling in this support group than almost anywhere else on the internet. But we also have really good BS meters and don't suffer self-aggrandizement gladly.

LC,
Do you personally find that the forum has "scapegoating and gaslighting" as you call it? Because I can't really let that one pass. Are you certain you are not mistaking someone disagreeing with you with someone who is "scapegoating" or "gaslighting"?
LC, I first met you on a discussion thread you put up warning Forum that our court system was taking control of our elders and giving it to a system that doesn't care about them. I disagreed with you, having long experience with this. I said that "warring siblings" need to understand that the court cannot know who is ultimately at fault" and will be likely to take away control from BOTH. You suggested I took the subject personally. I admitted that I did take it personally as I had seen siblings at war over the bodies of their elders in the hospital, quite literally, and I admitted it made for me a real "trigger". Was that scapegoating? You gave an opinion. I disagreed. You suggested my opinion wasn't valid because it was personal. I admitted that yes, it was personal to me. And we did go on a bit back and forth over this one. Ending with agreeing to disagree. Was that in some way an evil interaction? Or just a difference of opinion? A warning by you to the forum to take care; a response from me that I treasured the court's ability to intervene. And the takeaway from others reading it? Of interest, but little more, I suspect. Perhaps a warning from each of us, but about different things?
You say that "people want the truth". Whose truth? Do you remember the old adage "Your truth, my truth, and THE truth"? I honestly at 78 have come to see even "THE truth" as suspect. Most opinions are subjective, our "truths" formed of our own experiences of life. One only has to look at Politics to know that, and to see what happens when it enters the fray.
Any Social Media will be full of differing experiences, I think . Of different ways of learning what works for us, and has worked for others. And we are all just as individual as our own thumbprints. What works for one won't for another. The advice and life lessons given by one will help one questioner, and infuriate another (as we see here).
My advice really to people is "If you ask a question on a forum, be prepared to get answers". Those answers will vary according to the one providing suggestions, life lessons they picked up. Pick up what you think will work for you, let the rest be.
To tell the truth, if I saw "scapegoating and gaslighting" on forum I would trot on off really quickly. As Cali told me (hee! I was so mad, and she was so RIGHT) "If the opinions of someone bothers you, scroll on, learn to avoid them when you see their name". And as this thread has proven we don't have a block button. But we do have free will. We can chose to ignore people, engage them with our own opinion, stay silent. The choices are all ours. And I think if we see someone gaslighting or scapegoating or downright meanness, then we should press the report button. It does work well.
We all see the world differently. Again, refer to politics; such an interesting thing in a time when it is nearly evenly divided in our great country, and each side absolutely adamant in its own perspective. Can both be "truth". Can either? It is kind of like I always say, when I look at forum, both the questioners and the responders (and usually we are BOTH) I see people who, in a fire, in a storm, in an emergency, would leave their own homes and come to yours and would do anything to help us that they were able. No one would stop to ask how you voted. We would all help. It is my secret belief about us. We are at our best when things are at their worst.
I haven't found an "evil-doer" here yet.

I think what is needed is more empathy on this forum. High on the horse attitude helps nobody. If you have not been through a similar situation you should not give advice unless you are an expert that has actually solved issues like the person is asking about. Sometimes you need just need to be silent and learn something new you do not know much about yourself. Leading people in the wrong direction could cause them to be isolated or death. These are peoples lives you are dealing with. That includes whole families, so you best know what you are talking about. People should leave the forum feeling better or good advise not feeling like they are being bullied. People need to speak as I think not us or we think unless everyones name is listed on your answer. People want the truth of the matter not just someone’s opinion. What I would like to see on this forum is what the person giving advise has done in similar situation to help make things better on their own. Every family situation can not be fixed in the same way, because we are talking about human beings not mice here. It is not about who is right or wrong it is about listening and admitting some things like a narcissistic influence needs to be recognized and get professional help to learn how to handle your own reaction, because there is nothing you can do, but change your own way of dealing with life from here on out. Scapegoating and gaslighting helps nobody. Some people live their lives trying to correct what went wrong in the past and it is a waste of time sometimes you just have to do what you can starting today for yourself first then help others when you are strong enough physically and mentally to do so, because some people drain the life out of you and yes you just have to do what you have to do for you and know you did everything possible you were willing to do to help.

Shadow child has two separate threads; one is "questions" where she asks about what to do about her mom, who is in a "kind, well managed but 3rd rate nursing home" and who is "being denied adequate nedical care".

This "discussions" thread is about how unkind she has found the responses to the first set of questions.

Hope that clarifies.

What is the question needing advice? Or is it more of a discussion about the forum now?

ShadowChild,
Now that admins have moved this to discussion, I can say the following. Recently I was accused (by another who dislikes my advice as much as you do, ShadowChild) of "having something personal in it". And this is often true. I admit that when I see Siblings who don't get along for the sake of a fragile parent it brings up every single incident of it I witnessed as a Nurse. I have had in my past to call Security to remove siblings LITERALLY at war over the dying but still conscious body of a bedridden parent. I have had to appear as a witness. I saw a lot that made me question human worth.
ShadowChild, you tell us on your threads what a very smart woman you are, have given us your credentials. And I BELIEVE you. You are a smart woman. This has been going on for many years. Close to a decade? You have told us things said to you by "sarcastic" social worker. I believe you are smart enough to have availed yourself of every part of our multifacet system to address this complicated situation. Lawyers. Courts. Social Workers. APS.
You have told us that you have become ill and stressed, with several heart attacks.
I am uncertain what you think that we can bring to the table to help in this situation that we hear one side of, a confusing side, with added portions in each post.
Forums aren't for everyone. And sometimes people come wanting something they themselves aren't even fully aware of wanting. Sympathy sometimes. Or reinforcement of something they already believe. Or reassurance (we see people come over and over saying they feel guilty about letting their elder down. I try to have them see it as grief, not guilt. None of them are felons. Felons often don't FEEL guilt).
I can't see that there is anything we can suggest to you that you, with your intelligence, have not already thought of, perhaps even tried. And as was said, we aren't professionals.
If you find a way through the maze I hope you will come and will tell us about it. Honestly, the best stuff on Forum is the words of those who tried something that actually WORKED. Or of those who can just say "Take it a day at a time."
I wish you the best.

I want to add another thing, often I see posts where there is incomplete and missing information, and when a member asks a relevant question to try to clarify and offer helpful advice, there is no response. I then sometimes get a small suspicion that the original poster is either trolling or is not being entirely truthful. I try to shrug off that feeling, but sometimes its hard.

To be honest you are asked questions but don't answer. One is if Mom has money why are you using yours? We assume because we don't have
all the information.

I have read your posts and it just seems you have been battling this for a long time getting nowhere. The only thing you can do is get guardianship. If Mom has money, you can get reimbursed after you get it. I can't see any other way. Seems like you have done everything you can. As said, we aren't experts. What we know is out of experience. But there comes a time a lawyer is needed. Don't think u can do this on ur own.

When you post a question on an anonymous public internet forum, chances are, you are going to get answers you like and answers you don't like. You can't read 'tone of voice' into comments, nor can you surmise things from what people are telling you. Furthermore, we cannot always read between the lines of what you are asking, either! Most times, we are forced to make assumptions because we only hear part of the story or get a few of the facts of a situation. Sometimes, we only get a question in a HEADER, with no further content or details to follow!

Most of us are laymen, not experts on anything. I sell on eBay; in all of my listings, I put in a statement that says I'm not an expert or leading authority on anything; just doing my best to describe and explain things to the best of my ability. I think the same thing can and should be said for the responses given here on Aging Care.

If you need totally accurate and 100% reliable advice on matters such as Social Security or Medicaid or other complicated financial matters, your best bet is to consult an Elder Care attorney. All WE can give you is the benefit of our own personal experience in those matters. I see no 'unkind' or argumentative comments here, either.

Best of luck to you!

ShadowChild, Im sorry if you perceive my answers to be unkind or argumentative.

The way social services are set up in the US, if an adult child steps in and contributes their own funds to a parent's care, then Medicaid is not going to pay.

The ONLY way you will force this issue is by stepping back financially.

The more information that comes into this thread the more complicated more complicated it gets. I think there would realistically be no way that people on the forum could give you ideas of a way forward that you, with your intelligence, have not thought of in the last decade.
Were I you I would ask myself first of all:
"What is it I want out of this sitation?"
Nextly: "What actions might I take toward what I want that I have not already taken?".
You would then have to decide what resources to tap into to get as close as you are able to what you want.
Your mother has severe mental deficits both due to apparently irreparable injury and mental illness. This means she is and always will be seriously limited going forward, beyond any "fix it" you can come up with. Were I you I would hope that she is in care though I would not invest my own funds to keep here there. There are apparently assets here somewhere, perhaps in a trust to save a family farm? Something. They should be used for her care, or she should have medicaid and the best care that can get her. Your visits I am sure would be a comfort.
You might want to seek help in dealing with her condition the grief of being without answers to it, and even perhaps with some health issues of your own.
As to the rest of the family? They have what powers they have. Those powers won't be taken from them after almost a decade. Investing in anything where they are concerned, since you were "warned off them" by you Dad years ago, is a waste of your time and your energy.
Go to visit your Mom. Inform family you will not be contributing financially to her care any more but will be saving now for your own life. Cleve on to your own family, be they husband, children, friends, whomever. Build a wonderful life. Take care of your health.
There is very little else to be done that I can imagine. But if there is more to be done, then I trust you are fully intelligent enough to know what bridges you have left uncrossed over this last decade.
Sometimes we have to learn to LET GO. Just admit that we cannot change things, that we cannot fully understand them, and that we must move on toward a wonderful life that we make on our own.
Staying lost in all of this will create anger and anxiety. I needn't tell you the harm that can do to you. There isn't a one of us who has not experience anger and frustration, and the absolute SLAMMING of our hearts on our chest walls that this creates. Garden. Knit. Read. Draw. Paint. Quilt. Sew. Walk. Do them ALL and bring light, love and relief to your life. There are things in life that cannot be fixed. Things that cannot be changed. Knowing that leaves us with our own decision, whether to stay unhappily struggiing within the repetitive and circular destructive vortex of them, or whether to remove ourselves, and seek peace.

I'm sorry, please clarify, because I'm having a hard time understanding how social security (You may mean Medicaid) and "your funds" (you should not be or have to be paying your money) is paying for her care.

Your mother's social security monthly payments and $700 per month of your funds are sufficient to pay for your mom's NH fees?

I'm not trying to argue and I'm certainly not trying to be unkind.

Your mother's funds should be paying for her care. Have you considered no longer depositing that money into her account each month? Wouldnt that force mother's funds to be used for her care?


You can insist all you want, but until you put your foot down and say "no", you aren't really "insisting"

Social Security and my funds are paying for nursing home care.

She has been a diagnosed with narcissism. This is the issue regarding power of attorney : She has been diagnosed with the inability to make realistic decisions since she had a serious brain injury. She was almost decapitated. Both brain damage that has not repaired itself and physical neurological damaged resulted from this injury in 2008. None of my siblings helped my father and me with her recuperation. She was declared incompetent to make major decisions then. So, when my father died and my brothers had her sign documents that she did not understand, it was not legal. I was twelve when I was given a small trust fund by my paternal grandfather who had realized my Mother was in the middle of what was labeled then as a "nervous breakdown" by physicians. He told me a week before he died that I needed to grow up and be prepared to raise my brother. I did so for the most part. My grandfather apologized but said that sometimes life was tough and I was tough enough to handle it. My father and I did the best we could. I loved my Mother no matter how she acted and continue to do so. My older siblings were in college. I cannot allow someone who is mentally ill to reap what they have sown when that person gave me life. Mother has cried for years and stated she does not know what she has signed, and she is afraid of my brothers. Most of their ex-wives would agree with her. I am simply trying to sort out possible ways to help her prior to my possible death. She has dementia but is physically healthy. There are many ways to state tough truths in a kind manner.

Alva, if you click on the OP's name you can see posts they have responded to, which sometimes includes their own previous posts

I never have known how to look at previous posts? Some do. I see some reposted so know there is a way. Do tell.

I don't know that I can say I give "kind" advice, but I will say I give honest advice that is "my" advice or opinion. If people don't have the willingness to hear honest advice I think they should not ask for advice.
Whether you seek another site or not would of course be up to you. Those of us who hear questions on Forum are hearing only ONE side, that being YOUR side. We cannot hear other family members at all.
Honestly, if you need REAL hard and honest input, then Forum is likely not the place to seek it. You should seek counsel. There would be differing counsel for differing problems. A social worker or psychologist would help you work through relationship and life passage problems. A Lawyer would give you legal advice. A governmental agency would help you with problems as needed. But we have only your side, what we read, and our HONEST opinion.
If someone is inappropriate to you I think you should report the post. The admins will deal with anyone in those instances.
Remember, advice is only advice. Take it or leave it. Use what works and discard the rest.