Does anyone have any answers why so many of us baby boomers had abusive mothers? The ones I've known were abusive only to their daughters but favored their son(s). I've personally known only one man whose mother hated and mistreated him. The only trait I've been able identify is jealousy. My own mother was jealous of me, even though she was the one who enabled me to achieve an education and stand on my own, though constant criticism was liberally administered. Through many years it became so petty that if my family purchased a new couch, etc., or moved to a new home, e.g., she had to follow by purchasing something larger or more expensive, or move to a "better" or larger house.
Everything was about her. She was never wrong. Always right. Thrived on provoking painful emotions to watch you squirm. Accused others of being disingenuous! Must promote a perfect image at all times, be in control at all times.
I was treated well if I sacrificed myself for her comfort or purpose. Punished if I didn't. The punishments were unique and strange. Very strange. The cost to me? Of no concern. Treated as a tiresome inconvenience. Physical ailments largely ignored. I was a repository of all her venom toward my father, whom I adored. Denied me a wedding because she didn't get to choose the groom. Besides, I would have been the center of attention. Couldn't have that.
Dementia has now claimed what's left of her mind. She has lost the ability to see through a plan, so the NPD has greatly diminished. Is it NPD? I can't say for certain. I'm not a psychiatrist and can only guess.
I've read that narcissism evolves from parental neglect or smothering. According to what she told me, Mom was neglected as a child. She neglected and smothered me in turns. I see narcissistic "fleas" in myself sometimes. I kill 'em when I see 'em. I don't want to be like that. Never, ever.
I think you might be on to something, as my own mother thinks of my brother as the "Golden Boy," who steals from her, never does anything for her unless there is something in it for him.
I can tell her something and she doesn't believe me, but when my BF says it...well it must be true! She listens to him. So now, I will tell my mother that my BF said this or that to get her to stop doing what ever I need her to stop or to do something. She now lives to please my BF!!!! Go figure!
She has always had this competition with me and I never knew it! Who would ever think that a mom could be in a war with her daughter? I never knew what was going on because at times she would be a caring and loving then treat me so bad and yet, I thought this was normal...just her. Boy do I feel dumb trusting someone who try to hurt me behind my back and destroy me.
My mother was raised poor she had 13 sibs, yes there was 14 kids in all! Her dad had 7 kids with one woman who died so he married my grandma and had 7 more and both of them were mean. My grandma tried to drown me when I was 4yrs old. That was the last time I seen her until I was 7yrs old. I could never be left alone with her. Then I didn't see my grandma again till I was 21 yrs old and guess what, she hated me, but loved my brother. My mother was beaten by her dad and she had to raise her younger sibs. I can't imagine what my mother went through, but I have said it before and I say it again, my mother should of never had kids!
It turn out to be more common than I thought mothers being jealous of their daughters!
In my mother's case, she never liked herself, saw herself as less than, so she had to do something to make herself feel better. I don't even think she got to know herself! She went through her whole life and never thought of herself as someone worth loving and she really never got to know me--her own daughter!
Google "why do moms hate their daughters" and you will fine some good articles and read so very sad stories!
Hurt people, hurt people!
I don't KNOW what's wrong with my mom. So many things. Being spoiled rotten as a child, then losing the one man she truly loved, her dad when she was only 33. She changed then and never 'came back'.
Sometimes the best lessons we learn are the ones from 'bad examples'. How NOT to be. Mother is as unaware of her behavior as she can be. She never thinks about how something she says or does hurts--even at age 63, she can cut me to the core.
My mother is also severely jealous of what the Joneses have, and feels the need to keep up with them. She feels 'less than', so if YOU have more than her, then SHE needs to have what YOU have to feel equal or 'better than'. It's a self esteem issue, all of it, in my opinion, and something that leads to narcissistic type behavior. My mother claims to have been ignored by her mother while growing up because she was 'fatter' than her brothers and sisters, so her mom focused on their needs instead. So she spent the rest of her life hating her mother and taking it out on the rest of the world. I'm no psychologist, and only guessing at the myriad of issues that created the dysfunctional human known as my 92 y/o mother.
In reality, who knows, right? There's another HUGE thread on this very topic here on the forum: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/any-idea-how-so-many-of-us-ended-up-with-such-difficult-moms-what-happened-444582.htm
Check it out; you may get some answers you've been looking for!
All the best!