In the blink of an eye...
...it all changed. I brought my mother (92) to the ER last month. Infected gallbladder. 14 days in the hospital. Released with gallbladder drain & bag, Foley catheter, UTI. Now in rehab. Will not be going back to her condo (she lived alone).
She's always said if she had to go to a nursing home, that it would be the local Catholic one. It's $7600/month. Her LTC insurance will pay $7000/month for 7 years.
Two of my brothers have agreed I should be paid $20/hour. And I can go back two years to when I started my Dummy Daughter Driver duties! My mother will be furious ("You don't pay family!"), but she will not know, since my brothers have taken over the bill paying. She will never qualify for Medicaid, so no caregiver contract or need for taxes to be withheld.
I spent all day, every day while she was in the hospital. I am only visiting her in the afternoons at the rehab facility, and will be weaning her off the daily visits.
Two of my brothers have come to see her, but not Sonny-No-Show.
My mother is bemoaning my poor brother that will be doing the bills. She doesn't want me involved, but I will have to be involved, since I am the local one. Not a word about all the time *I've* put in. But then, my time isn't worth anything. Or so she thinks...it's actually been worth $20/hour.
(BTW, I am NOT charging for every hour.)
There was never any question that she would NOT be coming to live with any of us. I would be the logical one (local, one-story house), but she told me years ago she would never live with me. And I would never have her live with me. And neither would my brothers.
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My brothers didn't know that only two of them were now POAs. None of them really read over the documents. The brother who took my mother to the attorney to change the document didn't realize what she went there for. He is one of the remaining POAs. He doesn't really want to be. He's never completely read the documents. So I'm not sure that he really understood what my mother had done at the time.
Yes, there is a backstory. I know the advice on here is to just walk away (I've given it myself on this forum). But I'm not going to do that, because of the money involved.
As soon as my brothers can get the trust and bank issues straightened out (they have a plan for this and are following through), they will be paying me my back pay and then paying me on a monthly basis. My mother will know nothing of this. As POAs, my brothers are allowed to pay people to take care of my mother.
Why continue to allow yourself to be the scapegoat? Are you waiting for an something to change? Why do you feel obligated to stay involved? What’s the “brass ring” for you? It doesn’t sound like you are in this because you love her. If you did I would totally understand.
This POA issue would be the last straw for me. Why allow yourself to be constantly manipulated by a mother you don’t appear to like much?
As far as back pay I would demand payment, return her car and get your own transportation...disconnect yourself and don’t look back.
What do you want from this situation? A mother who loves you and for her to be less manipulative ?
Maybe there is a back story I am unaware of but you continue to be at their beck and call. All for a car?
Only you can change it. You can’t change her, nor your family.
I know this is a support forum and am figuring it’s been a good support for you. But it doesn’t sound like you are happy at all. What will make you happy? What would you like to change? Your brothers didn’t notify you of the changes you mentioned?
Don’t let a dysfunctional parent hold you back. And don’t be anyone’s scapegoat. Life is too short.
She thinks I'm out to get it all. ?! I could only have used the parts of the POA that didn't deal with trust assets (and everything is locked up in the trust). So now she is to resign as trustee, and put my two successor trustee brothers in as trustees (trust is still for her benefit). I am to be reinstated as the primary health care POA (she'd crossed it out to make all four children on it).
The next day she calls Sonny-No-Show, saying she can't call the other brothers because their numbers don't work. She wants to postpone the Friday meeting with the attorney (which was the previous day). I never even responded to that email. She can't use her cell phone correctly, doesn't answer when called...oh, well!
I am furious that no one told me I'd been removed as POA. I signed only one thing, but I actually had no legal standing to do even that.
I'm supposed to be making an appointment to bring my mother (via medical transport) to the attorney to sign the official paperwork agreed on during the conference call. (And explaining to her what we were going to do was going to be part of it, too.)
I'm thinking I should have no part of it if she is so distrustful of me.
"Everything was supposed to be equal!" she cries, as in equal distribution of the trust. Nothing during the attorney conference had anything to do with that. It was about letting my brothers pay her bills and handle her business as her (probable) dementia increases.
Oh, she called me all nicey-nice. I am not going to the rehab facility until Friday. This POA underhandedness is really a fork in the road for me.
I also found out that one of the two POA brothers expects me to wait until the trust is disbursed (after my mother's death) to get my money for what I've done so far (and what I continue to do). Well, that would mean I wouldn't be getting an equal 1/4th share of the assets, and the trust clearly states that anyone questioning the 1/4 distribution will get NOTHING.
As soon as my brothers get my mother's accounts retitled so they can write checks, I will be demanding all of my backpay. And if it isn't forthcoming, I will inform them I am resigning as primary health care POA and will not be responsible for anything regarding my mother from that point on.
I think a check will be forthcoming after that.
Thank goodness in your case . you have two brothers who are .. a part of this and in a way that isn't combative or else-wise.
For years now, you’ve been looking down the barrel of a bad thing getting worse. Voila! Here you are.
You are correct to not sign papers regarding from Mom’s facility. If you do that, you might be on the hook for payment they cannot collect from insurance.
Your conference call with bro & Mom & attorney is the essential next step.
A caution: If subterfuge such as leading Mom to think that granting $ access to bro(s) will help her get back into her condo, fine. But your brothers need to KNOW and UNDERSTAND that Mom will not improve enough to go back to her old life - such that it was.
Are brothers clear on that? Or do they need a “come to Jesus” convo w/you and/or Mom’s doctor before or immediately after the conference call??
Keep Mom on the list for LTC at her current facility. It’s the path of least resistance.(Mom’s resistance notwithstanding 🤪).
By all means, any signature - other than Mom’s - on paperwork for any & all of Mom’s care needs to be the signature of whomever has access to Mom’s money.
CTTN, forgive me if you have already spelled this out for your AC friends, but do your brothers agree that Mom’s $ should be allocated for Mom’s care? Do they accept that there could (and should) be no inheritance for any of you in the likely event that all of Mom’s nest egg will be spent on a safe, appropriate living situation combined with professional/skilled care?
Hang in there, comrade. I know what’s it’s like to be The Local but not The Official. It swiftly becomes a function of convenience for everyone except you.
It’s a difficult stress to shake off.
Let us know how the conference call goes. ((((biggest hugs))))
She's now on Seroquel, because she's started the paranoid "They are trying to KILL me!" routine here, too. (No UTI.) She can be fine the next day. I've been told that some people come to feed their parents (she doesn't need this), that someone familiar there for hours every day can help the elder adjust, and that some families hire a sitter to sit with the elder at the facility.
I'm often given orders to bring this, bring that by her. If I dare to push back, she gets very angry and then starts crying. Yesterday I was told I've always been nasty, that I was a nasty child, etc. Her face is contorted, she's sticking her finger out, and all I can think is how much she looks like a witch. She refuses to acknowledge how much I've done for her and continue to do for her. Yesterday at the end of her cardiologist visit she was thanking me profusely and wanted to kiss me goodbye. I pretty much shrugged that effort off, because I am so hurt by all in the past.
I've been assuming she will need SNC after rehab, but now I'm not so sure. She is improving physically, although she still needs some help standing, going to the bathroom, etc. She says that she will not be staying where she is now, and that she will decide on a place. (I'd already made tentative plans for her LTC at this place.) Of course no place will be good enough for her, and I'm NOT hauling her around to look at places. We saw a few, and the choice will be made from those.
She seems to recognize she won't be going back to her condo, but if she improves more I'm sure she might be pushing for that. I don't want to be in charge of hiring/supervising help, and I no longer want to drive her anywhere. She has slipped mentally since her hospitalization, and has been dx'd with mild cognitive impairment and perhaps the beginnings of dementia. I really really hope that at the Care Plan Meeting before discharge that they don't say she can go home with some help! I will NOT BE THE HELP, and I will not be in charge of hiring/supervising the help.
The truth is, I really don't want to deal with her anymore.
The latest issue is that no one can access her accounts (it's a trust; no one was put on the accounts with her; I warned about this, but was dismissed as not knowing what's going on, etc.). I'm not fronting ANY money for her. She doesn't seem to be capable of writing out a check herself, although on a good day she might be.
One brother, my mother and an attorney will be on a conference call today to see how to change things so my two successor trustee brothers can get into her accounts for her. I really hope that my mother never manages her money again, because I haven't gotten my "back pay" yet with these account issues. If she sees that I was paid for the past two years and am being paid for now, the explosion will be epic because according to my mother, "You don't pay family."
I am the local child, I'm the boots on the ground, and I don't have POA. It's ridiculous. BUT my mother didn't want me to be, and now it's more difficult because of that. The rehab keeps wanting me to sign paperwork for admission (I'm assuming it's for long term care there), and I refuse, because I have no legal standing to sign for her. (They tried to get her to sign, but they "felt uncomfortable" because my mother was "confused.") My brother won't sign anything until the trust issue and POA are worked out with the attorney. (The POA was given to my two successor trustee brothers, but they can't get into any money in the trust, which is where it all is. Stupid!)
People like to tell me to "make sure to take some time to take care of myself." These are ridiculous words. MY way to best "take care of myself" would be to have as little to do with my mother as my out-of-state brothers do!
From my experience as a RN colostomy care is not difficult. Nor is care of a gallbladder drain either, but again, it’s a skill set. I’ve worked home care and taught family to do the drain care; it’s not difficult at all. And if it gets occluded someone has to know how to flush it-families can learn easily. But if a nursing home doesn’t feel they have staff to support flushing an internal line that needs clean if not sterile technique (unlike a colostomy)you wouldn’t want her there anyway.
I bet the drain will be removed in a few weeks as well. Then hopefully your mom will be able to go where she wants to.
Regardless, if the Catholic nursing home doesn't want her with the drain, then she won't be going there. IF the radiology test gets done this week (wondering if that will happen, since it's Thanksgiving week), I should no more within a day or so of that what could happen with the drain. For now, she's safe at rehab, and I can stretch that beyond Nov 27 if Medicare allows (if she's showing progress or at least needing rehab to maintain skills?).
BlackHole, I will be on guard against the "YOU can take care of the drain at home" line. She needs a lot of care now. I wonder if they will be so brazen as to suggest *I* be the caregiver? I'll let you know.
Mom will be P.O.’d if her Catholic NH of choice cannot accept her, but she cannot blame you or brothers for this unfortunate fact.
Mom needs facility care. Just gotta find the facility.
HANG TOUGH. You are on the cusp of having a bunch of paper-pushing clowns put on a big show about how y’all can deal with Mom’s gall bladder stent at home. Keep your big loud “NO” handy. You’re gonna need it.
Can they stent the bile duct? The drain may be left in for awhile; at least until her infection is cleared and not recurrent.
I hope you can find another NH that will take her.