Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
You have more than paid back any favours your father ever did you. Stop paying! Don’t go, hang up, and DON’T WORRY.
PS Of course I had other problems, like being forced to be pleasant during court-ordered access visits. Thirty years later I read that this is apparently a good training for being a lawyer or management consultant – my jaw just dropped!
I wouldn’t see the point of communication with your dad or brother at this time either. I get it.
You have hit your threshold of being bothered with their behavior. I don’t feel like you expect them to act differently. I don’t expect anything different from my family either.
We all have a breaking point. I hit mine awhile back and I am at peace now because I chose to let go, just like you decided to do.
You don’t need the headache, nor do I, especially at this unnerving time. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care.
I care about my mom and I know that you care about your dad but we don’t have to set ourselves up for the same broken record that never changes.
Time to stop playing that tune! If we don’t expose ourselves to the record we don’t hear it played. It’s very liberating.
Your wife will see the change. Your children will too. Mine do. My family and friends have told me that they see the light in my eyes again.
I do feel like you are ready to surrender. It’s futile to continue in a relationship that is harmful to us. My blood pressure was elevated when I dealt with my family members. At least limit the time spent. I have to avoid triggers.
Even an unpleasant phone conversation can be an annoying trigger. Why put yourself through that? I’m not going to anymore. If we desire to check in periodically, that’s enough.
When something becomes too heavy, sooner or later we end up dropping it. The load became too heavy for me to carry around and I let go. I think it can be a conscious or unconscious decision.
It’s like a past relationship that wasn’t all that good for us but it felt like we really loved that person or had an obligation to them.
When the relationship ended it felt odd at first, our mind goes to, ‘what could have been?’ But then we felt free and happy not to be annoyed by them anymore. It’s just that simple. We can’t see it until we have stepped away from it.
Got to work on it....
Sometimes I look at him and I dunno.
I have had enough now....
That's what happened to me too. I had enough. I wanted to spend time with my family and friends. I devoted so much time to my mom and I hated that it was all dumped on me. I did the most and I was appreciated the least.
It got under my skin to hear mom praise my idiot brothers. Like you, I had enough and decided to start living my life differently. I didn't want to have regrets of not spending enough time with my husband and daughters. I gave so much to her. I needed time for me.
Your dad raised you. He "installed" those buttons. Getting them uninstalled is a process, not a one off.
The best way I know how is therapy, but that's been discussed here before and it seems to be a non-starter for you. So I'm going to suggest being prepared.
Write up a bunch of notecards. One says "hmmm". One that says "silence". One that says "gotta go"...and some other neutral statements.
Practise in front of a mirror or the camera on your computer. Relax your face and shoulders. Imagine you're on a beach in Florida with a cool adult beverage in your hand. Practise not hearing the provocation in your father's tone and language. Look at a card and read the response. Repeat.
Keep the cards handy for his next call, if you decide to listen.
Putting the phone down on the table and not listening is okay, too. This technique is an alternative.
The scenario:
Locked out of our house, staying at my parents' house. Once everyone was out, gone to work (I was on off-shift then), he would call, sometimes waking me. He would start the button pushing and get me to argue. My daughter, then 5, was standing next to me and calmly said "Why don't you just hang up the phone?"
I stopped, looked at her in amazement, and said what a great idea, why didn't I think of that? I hung up. Of course, he called right back, just to be a PITA. EVERY time since then, when I feel that urge to fight back or respond, knowing that it will lead to argument, I pause to make a decision - argue or not. Answer = NOT. One time the pause, brief as it was, was enough for him to ask if I was going to respond. By then, I composed myself and replied "No, because if I do, we are going to get into an argument and I don't want to argue." He went ballistic! At that point, I calmly hung up the phone and took it off the wall (that prevented listing to the phone ring!) Stupid as he was, he actually brought the police to the house, upsetting the kids, on the pretext that I was the problem. After he left with the kids, I did ask the officer to stay and asked him why.
Eventually the crap was reduced, but only because I refused to play the game. Even later, when the kids were older, he would try to get my goat, and argue. Nope. Did it still irritate me? Sure. BUT, I did NOT allow his behavior to influence mine. (Adding my kids were 3 and 5 at the time, so I had to deal with this for a long long time! Nipped in the bud, for me anyway - he could continue his crap, but I refused to play the games.)
Leaving the phone on the counter/table, mumbling ummm hmmm a few times, a few "sures", "whatevers", etc, but don't react. It takes effort, sure, but it is SO worth it.
You also need to focus on what's important in your life and resist the urge to anticipate what he might do or plan. What he does, he does and will continue to do. Why waste time and energy on that? Work on tuning him out when you do interface, work on not responding/reacting to what he says, work on not giving him ammo to shoot with.
Use that extra time to hug/take care of the wife (hoping she's better every day!), reaching out/interfacing with the kids. BANISH him and his antics from your head. Nothing you think, do or say will change his behavior (or brother), you can only change your own. Banish thoughts, practice non-committal responses, agree to everything, do nothing!
Move from one apartment (with cleaning & meals I presume?) to another apartment with cleaner & cook.
The benefit to him would be what exactly???
My Mum has her little schemes too. I just go hmmmm, I see, riiiight, ok. I wait for the "YOU have to..." No, I won't be doing that. Change subject.
It is draining.
I am getting better honest. I have managed to not say things now during a phone call and let a lot of things go.
I've realised its pointless getting mad because it just upsets me - he doesnt care!
He is clever though. NEVER loses his temper or let it get into an argument. That would be easier. He knows how far to push and knows he needs to keep me onside a little. i.e. Have a go at me but not get into a raised voices argument.
Take a break from him when you need to. You don’t have to speak to him every single day. Keep the conversations brief when you do call.
Since my mom moved out I have only spoken to her briefly a few times. I called this week and had a short chat. I am like you. I don’t expect her to ever change. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
At some point, we have to stop wishing or hoping for them to be different. I accepted it and feel like you have too. It took me being away from mom to realize certain things.
Otherwise, it’s weird. Seeing her daily was a reminder of what she wasn’t ever going to be. I have no contact with my brothers. Don’t plan to resume a relationship with them. Nothing in common.
My brother has wonderful sons. They are nothing like him. He can’t take credit for how great they turned out. They have a terrific mom and she deserves the credit for their character. I am close to my nephews. I am godmother to his oldest son.
How is your wife’s knee? Is she in a lot of pain or relatively comfortable?
A friend of mine who has so much trouble with her mom who is always scheming things. Her mom forgets that she has revealed how she ‘tricked’ her three previous husbands and many others.
So when she tries to pull the same trick on her daughter, my friend tells her, “Mom, you got away with that with your dead husbands but you can’t pull that trick on me.”
The ‘playing dumb’ thing is a very old trick! My mom tried that all the time.
Not always - there have been many times when things have been so transparent its become obvious what hes playing at. That does make me laugh....
Wifes knee is going ok. Week now and it seems be going well. 12 weeks off work but shes trying to volunteer to go back in a few weeks to do something sitting down (remember shes a nurse). I just hope she doesnt go back too soon - she does do this!
So glad that your wife is doing well. Yes, she shouldn’t go back before she is ready. She does need to heal. I am sure it’s very frustrating for her.
and
"What was her reason for ignoring all advice..."
Two possible issues there...
- someone can be book smart/educated, but be incredibly stupid otherwise.
- many people ignore advice, laws, rules, etc because it won't happen to them!
Hopefully she wasn't one of the infected but no symptoms who would pass it on to the elders...
Ya really can't fix stupid (having pols be stupid and not warn or accept what was happening or about to happen doesn't help, if those are the ones they look up to.)
It is sly behavior. It’s clever too. It’s acknowledging his behavior in a sarcastic way.
Plenty of people use techniques like Paul’s dad. They play dumb when caught. We all catch onto their behavior. My mom did the same thing. Paul is totally aware of his dad’s behavior. He doesn’t need to reread the messages.
He isn’t complementing his dad or respecting his behavior. I get exactly how Paul feels. I saw the same thing in my mom’s behavior as well as some of my friend’s parents.
Wife doing OK with knee. Bit of a setback yesterday, she stumbled and nearly fell, hit her other food. 3 Hours in hospital yesterday, badly broken toe that needed to be manipulated back in place, so thats all strapped up too.
She was howling down the stairs yesterday am shouting saying "I think I've broken my toe". I just shouted back "yeh right, April the 1st!"
Oh my gosh! That must have hurt. Ouch! Geeeeez, not a fun way to spend the day.
April1st. I get that you wouldn’t believe her. Hahaha
Take care of her, and you. Leave dad be. >>>>>>>>((((((hugs)))))))))).
(That's a socially distanced hug)
She didn't want to go to the hospital. I had to make her go!
Hospital was quiet. One door to go in and no other people allowed in.
Even with the bevvies, it was painful!
Sympathy & tea for your wife.
Ouch!!! But it was fun until you hit the wall. LOL