Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
She had to get bunion surgery. I am not sure what bunions are. Anyway, she was supposed to stop wearing high heels, take a break from dancing with heals and continue her physical therapy.
Youth! LOL She whispered to me that she had a date to go dancing that weekend! Have a feeling this young woman was going to keep having her foot issues.
Yesterdays phone call was about how ill he was (cold again), how depressed he was and how he couldnt wait for me to come and see me soon! Eh? I never agreed to that....
Once again, I told him how things were in the country. In one ear and out the other again!
Am I being unreasonable here?
I got him loads of food a few weeks ago for his freezer. Brother has been getting the day to day stuff like bread and mil for him (remember he lives a mile away no kids etc).
OK, Dad may get a little short on frozen meals. He likes a specific type which (by coincidence lol) are sold in the supermarket near where I live. Although I'm betting hes still got plenty left.
Hes gets "meal on wheels" 4 days a week (not sure why but he could do 7 days but chooses not to).
Yet he still wants me, it seems, to drive 25 miles each way with his favourite frozen dinner, only for me to send it up on his stairlift. Its not as if I even see him face to face. I just don't get why hes trying to make me do it! He knows what the queues are like at supermarkets, its been tough enough with wife stck at home.
Also, surely its not an urgent journey? If the police pulled me over, I can't see how "yes I'm delivering his favourite food, but oh yes my brother a mile away is sorting essentials" They'd look at me as if I was stupid!
Dad could do:-
1. Arrange meals on wheels for every day.
2. Get brother to buy a different brand of frozen meal.
3. Let me arrange deliveries (maybe not so easy).
4. Make me make a borderline illegal drive (that I could be fined for) to deliver what he wants....
I don't get why option 4 in his head is the one he wants... Seems very selfish.
What do you *expect* him to say?
His saying that he would like you to walk to your supermarket, buy his special chicken Kievs, and then carry them on your back to his house does not inconvenience you in the slightest, let alone put you or yours at risk. He can state his preferences until the cows come home. He can whine and wheedle. He can burst into tears, or scream and scream until he's sick, if so inclined. It matters not one jot.
Just let him. To expect him to say "that's okay, son, we're all coping down here, you take your time and don't worry about me, just wish I could lend a hand with the kids - hope the wife's soon back on her rounds!" - yup, as I said. Your expectations are completely unreasonable. They bear no resemblance to anything you have any right or basis to suppose will happen.
Ramping things up, forsooth. Same old same old - it's you being allergic to him, not him being worse than usual.
If (after CV-19..) he got a stint in a respite home, say after a fall or an illness, hmmm... he'd have to let go of his house & downsize to a room but his social needs may be met.
He just cannot (or will not) understand that his son/s are not responsible to fix his loneliness or come asap when he beckons.
That would be my plan anyway. That pressure to have my life absorbed to make his life work his way would either have me running for the hills or chanting *old people's home* until I drove HIM mad.
My grandma used to say no one wanted you when you were old. I used to think when she said this “ no one wants to be around you because you are miserable and $itchy and have nothing nice to say about anyone”. My father used to jump when she snapped her fingers because it was expected. My generation were less inclined to tolerate poor treatment.
Yet I still feel bad I can’t contact him today on his birthday. His assisted living is on lockdown and he does not have a phone as he no longer understands how to use one. No point sending a card. I found several unopened Christmas cards in his room in February. I know there will be Hell to pay after this is all over and I go to see him. His birthday is bigger than Christmas in his head.
US:
312206 cases confirmed
8468 deaths
UK:
47806 cases confirmed
4932 deaths
UK = 15% of confirmed cases yet 58% number of deaths.
So, currently this has ramped up to be worse there than here... at the moment.
Illegal, fines or not, NO WAY should you buckle to his whims.
I live alone with my cats. I have very little TP left, have resorted to using tissues.
There are various food items which can get me through a while. Are they my favorites? No, but food is food. They have limited how many people can be in the stores, so it means a long wait outside. I have no one local to rely on. Unless I had no way to get supplies, I would NOT ask my son or daughter to do anything - one is about 30+ minutes away, working crazy hours for dispatch. The other is about 1.5 hr away, working from home with wife and son. My bigger concern is who will care for my cats if I get sick! My kids don't want them... Also, it is hard enough getting kitty supplies from online source. People went crazy there after taking all the TP for themselves, leaving us without.
He HAS food. So he can't get his favs. Too bad, so sad. There is no guarantee you would even find his favs at the store. He can't/won't understand the gravity of the current situation, so as mentioned before, in one ear, out the other (for you, he already does this.) Let him whine. Let him whinge. No means NO. Never mind exposing him, what if YOU get it and can't take care of your family or him? He's a selfish clueless person, tune it out. You know what he will do, TUNE IT OUT!
"...would either have me running for the hills or chanting *old people's home* until I drove HIM mad."
Chant... Chant... Chant... CHANT... CHANT... CHANT CHANT CHANT CHANT!!!
Then, silence... If chants don't work, silent treatment.
I know it is no surprise to you how your dad is behaving, after all he has always done this. It’s nothing new. I know you’re disappointed in him.
I wasn’t surprised by my mom or brother’s demands. I was disappointed also. They do have alternatives. We offered the alternative solution but it was always refused.
With the help of others, I finally stopped banging my head against the wall and surrendered. I’m afraid at some point you are going to have to do that too.
You are being forced to back off now. This isn’t a question of if you should. You must because as CM has wisely pointed out, you simply can’t put yourself or your family at risk.
It doesn’t even matter if your dad does or doesn’t understand. You understand this and that is all that matters.
Don’t allow him to even suggest to you what he wants. If it starts to get to you and I certainly know how it does. I went through lots of aggravation with my mom. It got to me too until I stopped allowing it.
It’s kind of like if someone pinched you once in awhile it would not bother you as much as if they pinched you on a daily basis. I had to stop allowing myself to be pinched on a daily basis. Do you see what I mean?
I would do as Barb suggested, place the phone on the counter. You don’t even have to listen to his ranting and then he can’t possibly get under your skin. This actually helps you and your dad. Hopefully he will stop putting on a show, because he has no audience.
Best wishes, Paul. You’re doing the right thing by standing by your wife and children during their time of need. You know that your dad is fine and if he isn’t he will figure it out. Your brother lives closer. Let him send food up his stairlift to him.
Its hard for everyone at the moment. I have difficulty with putting up with these antics EVERY SINGLE DAY. It just gets to me.....
Hes his own worst enemy though. If he was nicer to me, I'd be keen to phone him even more. But all I get it these "tricks". Its not pleasant speaking to him at all...
I sometimes think he thinks he can lay all his problems on me and I can stop my life and sort them - I can't.
I just wish he would consider a care home. Even more so after this.
I've said many times, I'm sure he does things to test me, to ensure he can make me do whatever he wants me to do regardless of how trivial and inconvenient it is to me. Its really strange.
Almost as if hes happy because hes got me to do something small so, in a real emergency, I won't let him down. Which is totally unfair on me and my family...
In the past, hes tried things and I've worked out a better solution but he won't do it. I'll point it out to him.
Certainly, by now he knows he has been able to rely on you so I don’t think you need to prove anything else to him. I am not even sure that he expects you to prove it. He may just want what he wants.
Sure, it would be nice if he were appreciative but the fact remains now that there is a world wide health crisis on our hands and you don’t have to do anything.
Actually, even without a health crisis you don’t have to. Anyway, even if he was appreciative it would still be an inconvenience.
He has no incentive to go into a care home because you have always been there.
Besides that, your wife just got out of the hospital. I’m sorry if he feels he should be ahead of your wife. You know that your wife takes priority.
At his age he must have friends that live in care homes. Is he an only child? Does he have any siblings in a care home? Is it fear of the unknown? Or does he know others who are dissatisfied in the care homes?
Stop trying to figure out "why" he is trying to get you to visit. Accept the fact that he will continue to manipulate and use fear, obligation and guilt to get you to do something unsafe, unwise and at this point illegal to get a visit.
Your mission should be to protect your own mental health from this onslaught.
If it helps, develop a countermeasure message for when he calls. "You know, Dad, if you are so lonely and in need of food during this national lockdown, it would really be wise if you to find a suitable retirement home when this is over. I'm an unreliable source of help due to my family and job, as well as the distance thing. Finding a residential situation would be the best thing for both of us."
Bang home on the unreliable. He needs somewhere to lay blame
Me: "Hi Dad! Hows it going?"
Dad (in croaky voice) : "I've been so ill <cough><cough>"
And my heart sinks and I think "here we go again"....
I get 5 mins of woe is me, 5 mins of what I should be doing, 5 mins of trying to trick me into agreeing to something by which time his voice is back to normal.
We got MIL an amazon echo show (video screen thing). She loves it. Talks to us, see the grandkids etc. No way am I getting Dad one - I'm sorry I just couldnt put up with it. (and he's totally uninterested in the grandkids anyway so theres that).
Its sad. My youngest has been crying because she misses Nanna. She hasn't even mentioned Grampy...... All his fault because of how he is with her.
I've got to stop doing it I know..... Like you said its causing me issues now. I literally come off the phone to him in a really bad mood.
Hes trying to get me to phone him every day. I know I sound mean and any normal son would do this but I, honestly, don't think I can put up with it. I feel sick just thinking I've got to speak to him every 2/3 days. Its got that bad...
If it’s getting to you that badly, please take a break. There is such a thing as overload. You don’t need to speak to him daily. You really don’t.
Mom lived with me until September and it was impossible for me to not see her. Even in those situations though, my therapist spoke to me about creating balance and warned me about overload.
We all need a break, even from phone calls. Call once a week if you want to. It isn’t necessary to call daily.
You don’t need the stress or to rise to any level of achievement. Letting go is an achievement. It really is.
Surrendering is powerful and liberating. In certain circumstances, the real strength comes from letting go, not hanging on to misery. It isn’t running away from responsibility. It’s walking towards finding yourself again.
Our lives do not have to be consumed by someone else’s life that is unappreciative and selfish.
My therapist would tell me to get out of the house when I could. I didn’t have a sitter very often, every other week but I did take a complete break when she came. I left the house, no phone calls, etc.
The sitter had my number in case of an emergency. I did not call her. Everyone needs a breather without feeling guilty.
People who haven’t dealt with the annoyance as much as some may not get how it smothers a person.
Don’t allow yourself to be choked out. Plus, it isn’t your job to pacify him. He will survive. He will figure it out. He will find options. You have told him about food delivery and so forth.
Paul, my husband’s dad was like your dad. My dad was the involved grandfather. My kids loved him. You know what they said about my father in law, “Mommy, why did grandpa forget about us?”
It broke my heart that my kids felt that way. Then, they accepted that he wasn’t going to be a loving grandpa.
You are doing the right thing. You are protecting your kids from his selfish foolishness.
Not everyone has a loving relationship with parents. It’s on him, not you. It’s not your fault and you don’t have the power to change anyone. You can protect yourself and your family. My therapist helped me to understand this and I totally agree with him.
So, you don’t have any reason to feel guilt. You did not fail him. Even if he doesn’t realize what damage that he has done, he has still hurt others with his behavior.
If you are like most people, myself included, sooner or later we have had enough and become immune to it and it doesn’t hurt as much. It also causes us to appreciate the good relationships that we have in our lives even more.
I agree with Barb, he is miserable and even if you were there every single day he would still be miserable, so what is the point? Why should both of you be miserable? He should be in a care home but he sounds like he is too stubborn to go!
Take care, Paul.
In rehab my Mum kept saying she wanted to go home (of course, who wouldn't). Finally, 12 or so weeks later, did get home. If Dad leaves the room, asks where is he going, what is he doing. If he goes into the kitchen, she must too. Shadowing I think it's called. So dependant but her fear/anxiety is real. How it smothers is real too. I can take 2 hours ☹️ (just). Since the lockdown, I do not visit & how my Dad will keep his sanity through this I do not know. Even in the same room, is she happy & content? A little... but often bored, needy, controlling. Do this, do that, move this, move that.
Boundary practice now will come in handy later - when he has that fall/stroke/illness that means living alone is unwise.
I find it so hard. Hes just so relentless. Its constant all the time...
Hes trying hard now to guilt me into phoning every day. I cant do it.
I didnt phone yesterday. I know when I phone today how the first two minutes is going to go.
"I've been so ill"
"Im so depressed and down"
"I thought you were going to phone me yesterday I waited all day for you"
"Make sure you don't forget to phone me tomorrow"
Your dad is annoying.
Your dad is old.
Your dad is scared.
Your dad plays on your nerves.
You are in a no-win situation right now. If you call he whines and wants more.
If you don't call, he whines and makes you feel guilty that you don't call more often.
The thing to do I think is to develop a technique to use while calling that minimizes the damage he does to you.
That's why the timer, or not listening. Or listening and not responding. Or writing yourself a script of responses to choose from--thise and no others. Have you tried any of those?
Or do YOU derive some enjoyment from going on about how annoying he is? (Do you see where I'm going with this...that you are in essence doing what HE does?)
Not accepting that there might be a technique to mitigate this issue?
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to give you tools that will change the equation for YOU.
Because YOU are the only one whose behavior you can change.
I am awful at setting boundaries. Can't you tell. You are all my free therapists to remind me what to do ;-)
I'm doing better than I used to. By about 90%. Still 10% there I need to fix.
Talking to him on the phone getting better at. I just go "oh" and "ah" in the right places. Big problem at moment is a straight NO.
No Paul, you are not annoying. You have made a lot of progress here.
But you need to see the ways in which this habit of not changing your behavior--not trying what is suggested-- is something that is so similar to your dad (won't do food delivery, won't take meds).
Figuring out why YOU are like this may give you some insight into HIS behavior.
Fear, out of comfort zone, might have some meaning (we don't do that, that's for upper class folks, therapy/delivery/meds have meaning beyond the fact that they are an available solution that should be tried)
That’s exactly right. You get it. My therapist explained to me that mom was manipulative and it doesn’t even matter whether it is intentional or not.
Therapy helped me understand that it was smothering me and it was best to not constantly to expose myself to that. He also cautioned me that if I became overwhelmed to take a breather.
If something happens continuously we have to limit our exposure. They will not listen to reason and they will see a debate as a challenge and keep at it. So, it’s best not to feed it.
Ignoring her sometimes caused her extreme anxiety and she would get angry and she became more aggressive, it was like throwing gas on the fire situation. So, it was difficult to deal with her.
Some people don’t let up. My mom didn’t let up. She was like Paul’s dad.
Everyone has a breaking point. I hit mine. It helps to have these feelings validated like my therapist did with me.
I wanted to share that with Paul because prior to discussing it with my therapist I was being eaten alive by guilt. Then guilt turned to apathy. There are stages that we go through. I couldn’t bear anymore aggravation. It became intolerable.
There had been times that I felt like I was failing her because I couldn’t make her understand what I was saying to her.
My therapist told me that she wanted to manipulate so she could get her way. She did not accept boundaries which is why I finally asked had to ask her to leave my home. 15 years of that nearly destroyed me!
My mom pitted my siblings and I against each other. They didn’t even bother hearing my side. I decided to go non contact. We were never close in spite of me attempting to have a healthy relationship with them.
I suspect that I would have remained confused and lost without the help of my therapist. I was stuck in a bad place and continuing to suffer.
My therapist taught me breathing exercises and that was a big help with treating my anxiety. He said that my depression was situational and that would subside when my environment changed. He was correct.
Once I understood what was happening I was able to put it in perspective.