Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I used to know a minister who was very careful with his money, and as a result was able to afford some nice things. One time he told me that when people see what he has, he feels as if he has to give them an explanation such as "oh, this was on sale" or "the former owner was in a special hurry to sell it", or "it was a gift", etc--and wondered if his line of work obligated him to justify everything. His father, who apparently wasn't the best at parenting and realized it, gave him a Porsche (not new) as sort of a "make-up" gift. He wondered if he should sell it and give the money to the church--but members of his congregation told him "your father wanted you to have this, so drive it and enjoy it!" which I think was an appropriate response. (I have to admit it bothered me a bit when I saw it sitting in the driveway with a cover on it--I hope he DID get to enjoy it!)
However, there WAS a minister in town who was like some one reads about in the news--he became "filthy rich" by getting people to send him money, and a coworker said he sometimes saw him sitting in his car outside the post office, smiling as he opened the envelopes full of checks!
Remember I went down on a week night last week. I knew this would happen - he now expects me there EVERY week.
Now I dont mind at the moment. WFH till 5pm so its not that big a deal and theres no traffic on the roads. Of course, MIL is now there 3 days a week (and shes getting on my nerves!) so one evening away is not so bad.
Wasnt too impressed when he told me on the phone "You HAVE to visit me on wednesday". Ummm what? I dont have to....
Had that convo with my Mum. Penny dropped & she took it on the chin like a grown-up. Course she forgets & just wants what she wants. I then say "no bossing!"
If that's just too wusey for the man..."You've become a P.I.T.A. cut it out. I'll visit when I can. End of".
Then don't go. Not for a month. Then 2 months.
ANYONE who tries that with me gets the old chestnut "Who died and made you the boss" (or god as needed)...
Beatty says:
"Or maybe, yeah, yeah, maybe, I'm not sure, I'll see.
Then don't go. Not for a month. Then 2 months."
The old yeah yeah, then blow them off... sure, it'll probably result in phone call and whining complaining chastising because you didn't go, but just let it happen. Just yes him to death, don't go but also don't anticipate the negative that will come. When it does, yeah yeah, whatever, and don't go... yeah yeah and then put it out of mind (or at least WAYYY back on some unused burner in your head!)
As for MIL, rather than trade one negative for another (leave to go to dad to avoid MIL), go for a walk, take the kids to the park (or wherever one is allowed to go.) Do something positive for YOU and the kids rather than doing the negative thing to avoid another negative!
As for cars... I keep hoping they would come out with a VERY basic 4wd (need that for winter here - *could* live without, but if I need to get out and it is snowing, most cars NFG for that here...) Basic = runs, has 4WD option, manual transmission, no AC, good heater, wipers, lights, radio, no extra bells and whistles, and not MANY thousands of $! My latest is a Jeep Wrangler (had good luck with last one, 17+ yo bought to have a plow for a LONG driveway!) It is about 1.5 yo, has already THREE recalls, two of which are safety related and cost a ridiculous amount of money! First house (yes, bad comparison, as housing costs have outstripped many other costs) was 39.9 k, Jeep was 30k!!! Would be fine if I could also live in it, but not likely! Perhaps another 10k to set up a small trailer for it... ;-)
(other minor issues with a BRAND NEW Jeep = compass couldn't find NSEW if my life depended on it and the clock can't maintain the time - last check it was already 8m behind, even though I reset it a few weeks ago. Not critical, but seriously, they can't make a compass and clock work in a vehicle? One MAJOR issue is the radio did NOT work when I picked it up. I don't have alternate audio anything, and long trips in silence aren't fun! I was told it is bad reception where the dealer is - I had driven through there multiple times when visiting my uncle and my other car radios worked fine! Brought it in for the first recall and had them fix the radio and compass - radio had wire unplugged somewhere and compass needed to be calibrated. Seriously? That's like buying a new house and having the sink disconnected or some other issue that shouldn't happen!)
He is a pain in the neck, but nevertheless he is an old man and he is lonely. Beatty’s advice “Don't go. Not for a month. Then 2 months” is not kind, and actually not normal since you are not too far away. If he was more pleasant, you would probably manage a social visit every couple of weeks. You do actually care quite a lot about him.
Deciding what you want to do should include a regular social visit. It shouldn’t include anything that he can do for himself, like getting food delivered or sorting out very normal bills. Lay it on the line, in writing if you think it will stick better. Then tell him that all his demands make you less willing to see him, not more willing to help. This is what you will do, these other things you will not do, and you will not talk about them on the phone either. If he wants more support, he can easily get it by moving into AL.
I was quite shocked by Beatty’s advice. It shouldn’t come to this!
I absolutely agree that honesty & saying what you will & will not do, now & for the future is the best way. I think many people have trouble with that, or saying no in general (I did) & they may resort to the (untrustworthy) response of 'yeah, yeah' but then don't go. I softer no is *maybe*. That's kind of what I meant. Say maybe, then don't go that time.
Paul has given him many alternatives to get his stuff done (shopping, chemist goods, appointments, taxi to betting shop etc) but he still pressures Paul to do it all. This what I meant by don't go for a month. He has food (Paul stocked the freezer) his bills are paid, the heating is on. So his NEEDS are ok - it's want of company & to control what Paul does (lonely & anxiety imo).
If Paul's Dad is lonely & anxious these are not things that Paul can or should fix.
I get the pressure. That's why I said to work back the visits to a longer time frame.
You know my tale: A social visit to one was a battle - always attempting to find out my schedule to fill up my time with chores for the other.
A social visit to the other, would be met with dishes, rubbish, cockroaches & urine soaked bedding. Alternatives had been suggested & suggested. But just can't leave it there!
My life is SO much better now I am NOT visiting those relatives in person. I can chat by phone but not be pressured into jobs as soon as I am through the door.
Ok rant over... Back to Paul. I hope you future is not my past, that's all.
Take Margaret's advice. Tell him now, with honesty (again,as I know you have). If you need more help that I can give, it's time to hire it or move.
I hope this is unusual & that not all carers go though this?
I don't doubt it hardened my heart 😞
Margaret - of course hes lonely. Of course I care about him and I probably would never leave him for a month.
Beatty - I agree with you too to be honest. The more I do the less he will do for himself. Yes of course his NEEDS are met 100%
I'm happy to meet his needs, and also be there, when I can for his wants, like wanting me to visit. As long as it doesn't mean it adversely affects my family.
What I won't do is be there for his WANT of being able to control me.
I've tried in the past sitting him down and explaining nicely, I've sat his down and been harsh. In one ear and out the other every time. Hes even said in the past "well I'm old and need looking after and that's the way it is and you're family have to understand that". You can what I mean?
I’m sorry for the troubles you had, Beatty, and I’m not at all offended. But please don’t harden your heart too much!
PS Paul posted while I was writing this. His Dad really is one out of the box, you have to admit.
Sometimes the tool box is pretty empty to start! If family of origin (going back thru the generations) didn't supply then they have had to search & learn the skills through the wider world.
Mine did the best job they knew how to do. I am doing the same 😃
I think a lot of people have lonely parents who like you to visit. It can become a bit of a chore for a lot of people I'm sure.
With me personally, not sure about you Beatty, but when he crosses the line and behaves badly then I seemed to lose any sympathy you might have had anyway.
I find it tough with my MIL. Shes been lonely during lockdown. Shes not in the same league as my Dad - maybe a little annoying, a little demanding, and does try it on a little.
BUT, I see the negative because of my experience with my Dad. I assume shes playing games and "trying it on". Half the times shes just lonely I'm sure. So maybe I'm a bit harsh with her because of how my Dad is.
So, Lanzarote it is on 20th july. Short notice!
Dad has been obsessive with his attempts to get me to cancel Florida. He'll be pleased about that. He is going to EXPLODE when I tell him I'm off to Lanzarote (which is an island that belongs to Spain).......
Can guarantee I'll get a lecture about it and how unsafe it is. I'm 52 now. Please tell it won't be too long before my parent works out I'm an adult!
He hates Europeans more than he does Americans lol...... Not keen on Aussies either.
Then don't tell him anything. Why feed the beast???? He has NO need to know that you canceled the trip to FL and also NO need to know about ANY of your plans with or without family. NONE. If he needs to be told anything, it is just you will be unable to visit until after X date. No explanation, just unavailable. He doesn't need to know ANY plans.
As for not being allowed into US, I have been monitoring various stats... FL is not looking very good! Since late May, with a few exceptions, deaths have been ranging upper 40s into 60s. New cases are spiraling up, on occasion almost or over 10k/day. Not a place (among others) I would want to be! While most of the infections and deaths may not be around Orlando, for sure there are some, so best to not go there. Lines at Disney might be great (aka no lines!), but would it be worth it?
Also, seems pretty clear that US is on pretty much everyone's no entry list! Even among states, as they "reopen" some avenues, there are restrictions. For instance, Maine is allowing people from several neighboring states to visit (tourists who will stay), but exclude Massachusetts. They base this on various stats, of which MA numbers are higher than ME, but the others are lower. News has covered similar issues with NY and others.
Have fun in Lanzarote.
Our planned weekend escape (in our own state) also cancelled as today we enter lockdown #2 for 6 weeks. 😩
My Mom had a minor habit of "having cancer" ever other year or so after I moved across country at 21. Since I returned at the age of 34, there was one successful attempt to derail a trip I had planned. That happened about 7 years ago.
Then, three years ago, I finally decided I HAD to get away (back to the place I call home). Well, Mom started "declining" around the time I announced my plans.
I did not budge. That decision was correct for me and family.
It sounds like your Dad considers you to be responsible for his emotional well-being. That is unfortunate. For him. He is very fortunate to have a loving and attentive son. If it helps, remember that he may not be fully conscious of his manipulation. This type of dynamic often starts when a child is very young. Don't know if this is your situation.
Good job on setting boundaries.
D
UK and europeans are not allowed into the USA yet anyway. And USA is on the red list for the UK too. i.e. even if you're allowed in you have to quarantine for 14 days on return.
UK government announced this last week starting tomorrow. A load of countries you can go to without quarantine. Obviously spain is on there.
Don't get me woud up up about Disney though. I've got an Annual Pass but all they will do is refund the number of days it closed march to july when it opens shortly. No consideration that some of us can't even get in the country! I'm a lot out of pocket!
So do you think WDW will still open as planned in FL?
In fact, we recently voted to leave the european union (a bad mistake imho).
Calling would likely be a nightmare for you (comments from people trying this have not had a lot of luck getting through, spending hours on hold, getting hung up on, etc.) There is nothing in the search results I found about how they will deal with non-US Pass holders, and they SHOULD, because even if WDW opened up fully on the planned date, there isn't any way for you to go until the US allows non-US residents in!! I would raise holy hell myself.
Initially it sounds like they were not going to refund/extend anyone's pass, but I think it was a lot of complaints from those who had tickets (esp those with day passes that would expire while it it shut down) and being broadcast in the news... Perhaps you could email/contact some FL news outlets (tv, papers) and bring this conundrum up. Sure, Diz, open up July, Aug, whenever, but if the US gov't says we CAN'T come here, what good is it that you are open and keep my money (oh, yeah, I get the 'you keep our money')?
Disney makes enough money - and it should be about customers. If they want to continue to have ardent patrons, they would know to bend this to the customer's benefit! One person's comment said because they used the pass 10 times, they were not entitled to ANY refund... really? A pass that is supposedly good for a year? A number of those commenting said they are done, no more passes or trips to WDW. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
While some of it is fun (I took my kids when they were maybe 3 and 7), once was enough for me! The lines for many rides are ridiculous, the heat and sun was really too much (We went in May! I can't imagine what it's like in August when you go!!!) We also went to Busch Gardens - what a rip off that was! The sky ride and monorail ride were down (a reason I wanted to take the kids, so we could see the animals!) and was told the train was operational. We saw NOTHING on that train! 99% of the rides are NOT geared for kids.
Try anything once... twice if you like it... Once was more than enough!
I also agree with BarbBrooklyn's statement - disaster on top of current disaster!! It's only about 1:45 PM EDT and FL has 8,935 new cases with 119 deaths today!!!
We get a special ticket in the uk which is good for 14 or 21 days. So what we do is upgrade one of us to an AP so u get free parking then (at $20 a day it adds up).
You actually lose on actual tickets - 2x 21 day tickets is a little cheaper than 1x21 day plus AP upgrade costs. Of course, you've got to come back in a year.
So we did this on first day - I paid $670 to upgrade.
Would have been good if I could use this year. BUT they're sticking to their story - you can only have 4 months refund. about $400.
My argument is, apart from parking, I've had nothing from the AP - I could have stuck to my original ticket. So I'm a bit out of pocket.
Their answer is "tough the park is open not our problem you can't get in".
Disney tickets I only bought in may and decided to pay for cancel insurance - that turns out to be a good idea! So waiting for the refund there.
Yes, even I am thinking it might not be such a good idea to go to WDW in florida at the moment? Is there even any talk of them closing again? Seems like they're ploughing on regardless?
Jeez. Drama Llama. Of course, all his "facts" are totally wrong anyway. Hes convinced himself that where I'm going is a hot spot. Its not. They've had ZERO cases on the island for a month.
We have a government department here called FCO (its like homeland security). They're the ones who advise on foreign travel etc. Pretty much if FCO don't go your travel insurance is invalid.
A week or so ago they opened up tons of countries that had been locked down. Alas not the USA! They would not have done this if it wasnt fairly safe.
Not unexpected but I've really had enough of his attempts to control what I do based on his opinions.