Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Don't call. Answer if you must - like if you are worried he's fallen or something. But if he sounds alive, wind the call up & reinforce you will call him X day - your regular day.
You are the boss of your telephone. Not him.
I haven't and not planning to.
His favourite is when he asks me to do something for him. I dont mind. Like hes got a problem with his scooter - its insured I sorted that for him. Can you ring them? (yes no problem when I get time).
Then its "oh so ring me tomorrow to tell me what they say?"
Hes not happy. This was sunday. I've been busy in work doing 15 hour days last two days (bit of an emergency). Sat down last night late, 8 missed calls from Dad.
I just get the impression these days that Dad wants the relationship with me that he wants. He wants me to be like my brother, put his kids 2nd, etc. and fawn over him as the center of the universe. I don't want that - and he knows it by now - its like a battle where he just wont accept this.
Bro fawns over him?? This same bro that sends his GF/wife to tend to him??? This same bro who says he's off for the weekend (which if I recall correctly he WASN'T) and wants you to take the weekend????
Not only is dad trying to be a control freak (for you at least), he's blind to bro too! They're both taking you for a ride...
Found these:
"Hence the made up excuse that his wife has a painting job miles away and since she cant drive hes got to take her at the weekends so cant visit dad."
"More plays from brother whos made up some excuse why he cant visit at weekends for a month. Hes done that before - think its forces me to visit then."
"Brother wont be there all weekend because of this alleged working."
"Both brother and his wife and working saturday and sunday."
"Suddenly they are both working ALL weekend."
That's just the ones I found. Bro isn't fawning over pops, he's finding every which way HE can shirk any responsibility. Since you were doing it all before, he expects you to continue. Not going to win with either one, so just refuse to play.
Your brother needs to know he can say no.
Wishing you well.
Wise words! Oh, so true.
My mom was a master at doing that with myself and sibs. My therapist quickly picked up on it and called her behavior manipulative. He urged me not to fall for it. Once I no longer took the bait, she eased up.
Oh, on occasion she tried again but I learned to hold steady and you know the rest, I had to completely let go. I am at peace with my choice.
Others have to make their own decisions about what is right for them. No matter what, limitations and boundaries are the key to survival!
Ignore your brother, ignore what your father says about him, and ignore your father too.
For pity’s sake, use this time to free up your brain and work out a future strategy for yourself that isn’t just a reaction to other people.
BUT, for some reason, he seems to be the popular one at the moment....
Margaret - Yep getting there. Best thing I ever did was cut contact with brother.
Old chap I met this week: as soon as I enter his visual field he is giving orders. "Now this is what I want, listen to me, put this here, take that there". Whatever I did, it was not quite right... I asked, do want this here? After a bit I asked him if his hearing was good - I asked three times. He says Yes my hearing is fine. Why? Well you don't seem to hear my questions or answer them I say. "I need to tell you what I want. Now I want...".
About zero interest in getting any real communication - just getting his way...
His relatives have had quite enough of same (he lives alone) & asked staff to get him to sign POA as he has refused for years. LOL! Make him they plead... he's become even more confused. That ship sailed, in fact the old chap blew up that ship in the harbour, was never ever going to sail...
Relatives say 'unsafe to send home'. I don't doubt it. If his little hoard of salt, pepper, spoons, empty soda cans over two days is anything to go by. Or the wet pants, lack of hygiene, clean clothes. He demanded new underwear (said a nurse must have thrown a jug of water over his pants & his bed 😆). And this new underwear must have TEN holes for his ten legs!!! Didn't know how to get these on "there's only ONE hole!!".
So after a two hour zoom session with a highly qualified Geri/Neuro expert he is deemed competent go go home & go about his business. The relatives told. They can choose to either keep slaving away for him to remain at home or back out. He refuses scans & more testing - no dx can be made without more info.
The family have arrived at 'awaiting a crises'. Next stop Guardianship application.
The chap's antics gave me a laugh, but it's actually quite tragic that a vulnerable elder has *the right to rot* as they put it.
My mom would change her story depending on which child she was speaking to. I stopped trying to figure out what was true or not true. If I confronted her on something it was a complete waste of time.
Mom would never admit to embellishing a story so I didn’t question her version on anything. It didn’t serve any purpose when I would question her except to get on my nerves. So, I stopped.
He is telling you how wonderful your brother is but you have no idea what he is telling him.
Nor do I suspect that you care what is being said. I stopped caring what mom said about me too.
Like you I stopped communicating with my brothers. This infuriates mom. For some reason she thinks just because we are related that I am obligated to be close to them. I am not close to either of them for valid reasons. It used to make me sad. Now I feel apathetic about it all. I just don’t care. Maybe some people think that I should, but I don’t. I’m at peace with it.
I do love my brother’s children. We’ve always been close. They aren’t close with their dad. He never made time for them. He was too busy chasing the next woman in his life. My children and his children are close. They are all grown and do not have a relationship with him. It’s very sad that he doesn’t even have a relationship with my nephews children, his grandchildren. I don’t think they expect it anymore.
I think you know, just like I do that our brothers are not going to change their character. They are not worth the headache to deal with them. My brothers phone numbers have been blocked for a year now. I don’t miss their macho foolishness.
Dad does talk absolute rubbish most of the time.
Brother and his wife are deffo "golden ones" at the moment. Hes the "real working man" and I'm the lazy office worker at the moment.
Gave me a laugh the other day. He was telling me she'd quit her office cleaner job because "its hard work and the pay was poor". Minimum wage I'd imagine. Womans got ZERO qualifications - what does she expect?
I couldn't help telling Dad "Oh well that brain surgeon job on £200K might come up next for her!"
I heard these stories from mom too, she overlooked that my younger brother drinks and drives. She feels sorry for him when he crashes a vehicle due to being drunk. He has totaled more than one vehicle so what did she do? Give him her car!
I understand mom not wanting her car any longer since she no longer drives but she should have known that he would just wreck that one too, which he did.
If my brothers were careless with money, she paid their utility bills and bought groceries, clothes and shoes for them.
She actually wanted me to feel sorry for them. She never appreciated that I never asked her for money, went to school and kept a job! I didn’t work off and on like my brothers.
I didn’t stop working until years later. Even when I stopped working due to health issues I took temporary assignments when I could.
It gets ridiculous at times. At one time she even made my drug addict brother her POA! Why? Her answer was, “I don’t want him to feel left out.” Is that crazy or what? I took her to the attorney to have it revoked. He was so lost in his life, eventually becoming homeless, then end of life hospice and ultimately death. I realize addiction is a disease. I am not heartless. I had tried to get him into rehab many times. We can’t help those who refuse help.
Mom lives in a fantasy world where her sons know everything because they are men! I was always treated as second class for being her daughter.
Girls and women aren’t as important to her. Men are the leaders according to her. Drove me crazy.
Anyway, no longer my problem. She is now cared for by hospice. I am glad. She is with the only brother that didn’t drink or do drugs. He’s the womanizer! LOL
Everyone has crazy people in their families. No one has a perfect family!
Either proper short term memory loss or old fashioned manipulation, trying to guilt you into a visit (I vote guilt). Well, at least you are laughing 😁.
Need, I love your writing. I reckon you have a book in you... Maybe a movie with those characters. I suppose a lot of Mothers try to show love or help their adult children but it becomes enabling don't they 😔.
Thanks. I love reading your posts.
A book? Eh, actually more like a journal. I have always had a secret fantasy to do a stand up comedy routine! LOL
I definitely have the material! It takes more than material, delivery and timing is important. I have told close friends certain things and they have died laughing but I never had the guts to go for it. I wish I had.
Geeeez, some comics ended up doing very well with sitcoms, movies, talk shows, game show hosts, etc.
Yes, my mom was the queen of enablers! She actually did me a favor by not babying me.
I learned to take after my dad who hated my mom’s enabling. He taught me to have a strong work ethic. He wasn’t ever overly critical of me like mom was. He was strict but fair, supportive and encouraging.
Dad forgets that, until a year or so ago when brother decided to settle down, he was down the pub every night. Dad would go 3-4 weeks without hearing from him. Now hes calmed a bit hes turned into a "saint" and its all poor dad this and that.
I point it out, subject gets changed, never to be mentioned again...
Its interesting place to be mentally when you fully understand that abuse and neglect wasn’t your fault, that you are willing to lovingly spoon feed, hold their hand, and mop up pee for a person that wouldn’t or couldn’t do the same for you. As 1 of 3 children I still haven’t found out why me. My sisters got the neglectful mother they just didn’t get the abusive one. My youngest sister slipped up and called me mom again this week, I keep telling her it’s ok I can be both sister and mom to you.
in closing of this 24/7 week which ended this morning
caring for my mother in theses 4 years Off and on has been great frustration but the best therapy in the quite moments. I’m hopeful the next week will be better. Wishful thinking but I’m hoping the texture issues get better to relieve her suffering.
I really would start using phases to him like
“ I’m not my brother”
”I don’t care to talk about my brother”
”we aren’t talking about whatever you brothers name is”
if afterwards he continues you hang up. If he calls back answer if he say we got disconnected say “no I told you I didn’t what to talk about x.” Then say bye
repeat rinse
My mom would hear from my brothers when they were broke and needed a ‘loan’ that was never repaid.
Then she would complain that she only heard from them when they needed money. My response to her was that as long as she kept handing out the money they would keep coming back for more.
I think mom gave them money so she had the chance to see them. Truly sad. She knew they should want to see her because she was their mom and not a bank but that wasn’t the case.
She didn’t like my answer because she could say something about them but for some reason she didn’t think that I should. Totally irrational thinking.
One final note...
Somewhere deep down parents usually realize the situation. For various reasons they are hesitant to admit it or will never admit it due to either pride or embarrassment.
Don’t be so quick to think that your dad thinks of your brother as the ‘golden child’ or ‘saint.’ That is more likely for your benefit. Dad is hoping to make you feel guilty.
My mom was a genius when it came time to pushing buttons that she thought would cause guilt. Haha, we are a Catholic family and if mom had her way, I would have lived inside the confessional at church! LOL and done penance for the rest of my life!
I wouldn’t be able to keep any fictional stories straight. Most people can’t keep lies straight. It is amazing to me when they are confronted that they won’t ever own anything.
I can handle if someone screws up. Everyone screws up sometimes.
I respect people who admit to their wrong behavior. If people are willing to work things out, I consider it squared away and let it go.
I don’t respect people who try to cover it up or pretend nothing happened.
I don’t believe in holding grudges and I let unimportant things slide. Some things are simply not worth arguing over. Sometimes it’s actually comical and it’s either laugh or cry. More fun to laugh!
Things happen then get brushed under the carpet when it all goes wrong or he gets found out.
When we know how a person truly is we no longer expect anything else from them.
Anyone can have a bad day from time to time. Your dad isn’t having a rough day. That’s his personality. Those are his characteristics. You know that.
I doubt if you expect him to change at this stage in his life.
Although looking bad retrospectively, you could always see it was there. Its just as hes got older hes got much more self-absorbed.
Every single phone call now is 10 mins while he tells me how ill he is, 10 mins while he tells me what my brother is up to (the one I dont speak to), and 10 mins him moaning in general.
Its not much fun to be honest lol
You father wasn't so bad before because he had a life and you weren't a major part of it. Now you are because his life has gotten smaller and you are one of the few left (to serve).