Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Mom doesn't complain, I know she is sorry I have to look after her. It is just hard to do everything and it is even worse from an emotional point of view: I am afraid I could hurt her, it is hard to see her shrinking and so dependent on me, it is a heavy burden to feel responsible for her health for such a long time. A friend of mine, a nurse, told me my mom would have died a long time ago if not for my good cares. Now I am just scared not being able to go on like that with this heavy mental burden.
It would probably be best if Anche and Chriscat could start a new discussion or ask a new question, about their own issues. Otherwise this thread is going to fold. Is that what Paul wants? Or any of the regulars? I've developed a real interest in south Wales over time, I'm a bit sad if the thread just snaps off! NHWM, perhaps not so helpful to reply to them, it just confuses things.
Anche and Chriscat, your issues are important and you will get a lot of feedback on a thread you start yourselves. You are very welcome as new posters on the site, it isn't at all exclusive, and it is often very helpful to the original posters and to all the other people with similar issues. Please let us hear from you again on a new thread! Best wishes.
I second what Llama says. Please let us know how you are doing. We care!
Paul I especially beg your pardon. Is there a way to move my posts into a new thread? I will start one
People have occasionally gone off topic on many threads. Most people aren’t extremely rigid about it.
You certainly don’t need to apologize! This forum is here to offer comfort and compassion.
Paul has seen other topics posted on here and has stated that he doesn’t mind. He would not be upset. He would respond with compassion.
Chris,
I wholeheartedly agree with your comment.
I must admit that I feel that sometimes people seem to overreact to certain things, which is truly unfortunate because it is the exact thing that causes people to feel uncomfortable, especially in a time of need.
Paul isn’t around all of the time and he has never cared if people have other conversations with each other once in awhile.
You are welcome to private message any of us anytime you need a shoulder to lean on.
Please don’t feel as if you did anything wrong by posting on this thread. You didn’t!
Caregiving is the one of the hardest jobs in the world. We understand how difficult it can be at times.
There isn’t any need for your messages to be moved anywhere.
I truly hope you know how much we all care.
Thank you for being so supportive. I'll be around later.
Hugs
BUT the herd of elephants is there in the room...
Hes been months now without needing ME to get his food. He knows I know that. Yet hes still claiming hes glad because I can get food for him.
Hes talking about me taking him out at weekends. He knows we've discussed this.
Its just crazy how he is constantly trying to manipulate things.... As someone said, he cant cope unless he has total control and both his sons fit into his idea of how it works....
Remember the GREAT ROTA? He told me that he was putting me (And my wife!) on the rota and we'd have to cover every day of the week.
Saw no difference with me living 30 miles away (him 1 mile), me having two kids to look after (him non). And he said my wife had to "do her bit".
BUT Dad knows if he keeps feeding them money.....
I'm sure Dad thought if he did this then I'd come back no matter what to get my share.... Ummm no.
To be honest, its quiet funny with my brother. A few years ago after his wife had quit about the 10th job in a year because she didn't like it they had this bright idea that brothers wife could get money from the government as Dads "carer".
Of course, Dad doesn't need a "carer" but hes lazy so he was well up for the idea. Of course, brother and wife didn't check out the details. Its something like £75 a week and you have to do 35 hours of "caring" a week. I think they had in mind £200-£300 and one shopping a visit.
Of course they dropped it like a hot stone when they found out. Made some excuse to Dad about not being able to do it. Of course, Dad got in his head that hes so ill he needs someone to care for him.... You made your bed brother....
(BTW - yes of course, when he told me I said I'd set up care home visits and he was horrified)
I have a feeling that your brother and his wife are very much alike in their thinking.
They are both looking for the ‘easy way’ to make a few dollars!
I expected to get some difficult feedback from someone, but please remember that my post ended “your issues are important and you will get a lot of feedback on a thread you start yourselves. You are very welcome as new posters on the site, it isn't at all exclusive, and it is often very helpful to the original posters and to all the other people with similar issues. Please let us hear from you again on a new thread! Best wishes”. Perhaps some other posters think more like ‘forum police’ than I ever have.
Peace and love to all, and thanks to Paul too.
No one is against you. We all care about others or we wouldn’t be on this forum.
Please take a moment to think about how your message came across.
Perhaps you didn’t intentionally wish to upset anyone.
Nevertheless, your message came across as rather heartless.
Let’s hope that you didn’t mean for your message to come across the way it did.
Please show a bit more sensitivity.
It wasn’t the end of the world that Anche posted on this site.
As you can see Paul clearly invited lovely Anche to join us. No harm was done to Paul’s thread.
Look at the larger picture. Anche needed help.
It took courage for her to reach out in her time of need.
This forum is for comforting others, not scolding them.
You berated her and us for responding to her in a kind way.
I repeat, no one is against you. We are all equal. We all have something to bring to the table.
If you needed help, would you have appreciated being spoken to the way you spoke to Anche?
If you had been one of us that responded kindly to her, would you want to be corrected by another poster?
Of course, you wouldn’t.
Be kind and kindness will be returned to you.
Push others and most of the time you can expect to be pushed back.
Sometimes people ignore certain remarks but don’t count on it.
I tried very hard to be polite.
Looks like I am wasting my time.
It wouldn’t kill you to show a little humility.
You noticed that too, huh?
Sigh... I give up. Like I said, I tried.
Thanks for your understanding. Yeah, it is funny but sad too.