Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
"I think it was Paul's SON who broke his mom's arm, not Paul's dad."
Not really a "think" - both comments were under "excuse #2 and it's response, which was about paul's son. RIF.
Bro makes this sound like dad needs "attention" (coddling) every day of the month. Before Bro was "involved", originally, you were maybe doing once/week? Suddenly he can't be "unattended" for 2 days? If he can bathe, cook, get around his place, has a working phone and scooter and food, then he doesn't NEED someone there every day. If he does (not likely), this is beyond capability for normal working people to provide care, especially when living alone. Even if he needs to restock groceries, I go at LEAST 2 weeks between trips, sometimes longer. He doesn't "do" laundry, so he can hire laundry service or figure it out. Even that shouldn't be a big deal. How many dirty items can an old man living in his place and not going out have?
Why bother getting angry or lashing out? It won't accomplish anything with either one of them. It's why after pouring my angst out into emails for each brother the emails were never sent. It wouldn't change them. It wouldn't make things better. It potentially could have made things worse. So I said what I needed to say in the emails, got it out of my system and then left them in my draft folder. That was maybe 4-5 years ago. I had no contact with OB for over 2.5 years and only then reached out to let him know mom had a stroke. I felt it was the right thing to do. Big difference it made, but at least I did the right thing. Since mom passed, I had to contact both regarding distribution of the trust funds. For the most part, it was only a few emails and that's pretty much done. I still have tasks remaining to finalize everything, with no help or input from them. When most is finished, I plan one more email to ask about payment for all I've done for the last 6 years. Will they agree? Who knows. I can only ask. Once everything is done, I may or may not send some reckoning, but whether I do or not, I am DONE with the two of them.
My mother wasn't demanding my time like your dad, but it was me that was "on call" when she did need something, not the other two. So, I was like you were before you started pushing back and then bro got sucked in. Because she wasn't like your dad, it was better for me to continue, as hard as it was sometimes, because otherwise nothing would get done.
Ignore bro. IGNORE him and forget what he's said. He's just blowing out his behind because he feels used now. How many years were you on the beck and call routine and he did nothing? Like NHWM's brother, skate and criticize for years, but suddenly when they have to take over it becomes a national emergency!
You don't answer to him. You don't owe him anything, not even excuses. You've blocked him. Done.
As for dad, maybe it is time to just say simply "I can't do this anymore."
NO excuses. NO reasoning. NOTHING. Just "I can't do this anymore." Don't listen to any whining from him. He starts, just CALMLY say I'm hanging up now and CALMLY hang up the phone. Then block his calls.
If they can't call you or contact you via some social media, what choices are left for them? Not your problem.
Lovely sunny weekend morning here. I used to look forward to a weekend off but the DREAD of the phone ringing... Another fall. Another chore. Often no aide so full shower assist too. I had been quietly saying 'get a better system, get a key for EMS to get in, get a backup aide service'. No-one listening. Then I became stressed even if the phone didn't ring.
I felt that pressure you are under. Felt hounded. I get it. I knew this was not good for my health.
So I eventually sought therapy. I explained my goal : to float along. To find peace. I knew I could not make them understand or change them (although I probably still hoped that then..)
Need has peace now after her long years of this. So have many others. I too have peace. I am sitting in the garden now intead of rushing over.
What helped was that DREAD. I hated feeling that way. Why did I feel that way? What is dread anyway?
FEAR + ANGER.
FEAR this will never end. That care for another will eat up my entire life, was already destroying my weekends, taking up more & more non-work hours, with less time for my own family, friends, sports & hobbies.
ANGER to be cont..
Paul, what happened when you read CM's post? Face start to flush? Hands or stomach clench? Jaw tighten. Uncomfortable. Feel like throwing something or running out the door?
That's anger. Often people were told to hold it in, ignore it, mustn't ever lose our temper. It can be expressed, but in a SAFE way is better - go for a brisk walk, punch a pillow etc. Or chat here.
Use that anger & redirect that energy where it needs to go. To stand up for yourself.
Ask yourself honestly if you want to be Dad's carer? If not, tell him. Use
those short sentences Barb suggested. Then you can start to find peace.
"If an older relative had broken my spouse's arm in any other manner than by purest, undisputed, innocent accident - and I don't think having to come home from work early would be the grievance I'd mention first - I'd have done something a bit more radical about it than hold it against him years later. "
It was clear to me that it was Paul's SON who had done this or maybe I am misunderstanding something.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2016/07/09/how-being-raised-by-a-narcissist-damages-your-life-and-self-esteem/amp/
You got that right. When siblings find out how it is. they have a different reaction.
Really and truly though...
When I look back, they were the smart ones for not taking on the responsibility in the first place.
They may do it out of necessity afterwards but they will not wish to continue caregiving, which is actually best all around because the parent can finally be placed in a facility and no one is burdened, allowing the parent to receive proper care in the facility.
CM - What planet are you living on? The Senedd make the law for lock down in wales, my local Senedd Assembly Member is surely someone who is available to help with clarification on things?
"absolutely alone in observing the law" - Wow. And they blame the youngsters for causing the spread. Just goes to show.....
Not that its relevant but my political beliefs and the complete opposite of what my local AM stands for - just saying.
Well thanks for all the people who've been kind to me on this thread. Maybe its gone on too long now and its time for it to come to an end......
I know well I'm completely useless at dealing with it, get wound up and go about it all wrong, but it does help me to rant and rave on here.
Looks like certain people want to be "right" and tell me whats what. Being perfectly honest, I really have no inclination to get into arguments on this forum and cause myself even more stress....
Im sure I'll still be around but for now - hwyl fawr
We all need to vent once in a while. Lord knows that I have done my share of venting too.
Don’t feel like it is time for your thread to end.
You’re going to figure things out in due time. It took me forever to sort through things with my family.
Take care, Paul. Everyone cares.
We had a free councillor service at work (could use for any reason) so I finally decided to use it to discuss family related stress. The Councillor poked me into anger - on purpose! To get me to reach my feelings I suppose. It worked. I started standing up for myself better. It was HARD but worth it.
Use your anger. Use the lockdown too. It has changed so many lives.
It showed me once & for all that my dependant relative needs to make other arrangements other than me. I could sing it from the rooftops but she won't get it. But actions speak louder. I do social visits once a month only. The rest? No.
Therapy is what helped me get to the bottom of my feelings about my family issues too.
Glad it worked out for you too.
It’s interesting to see how we can get stuck in a rut without realizing it.
Outside objective feelings really woke me up to how my behavior had changed.
Changes happen gradually so it’s hard for us to pinpoint it but others are able to spot it and point it out.
Will say prayers for you.
This place exists to support all who need it. And this place also exists because of those who need and participate in it. Without you, me, and hundreds/thousands other posters, there wouldn't be AC forum. You will be missed if you left.
Take whatever advice you want/need and are ready for. The rest, let it float out into cyber space...
"...they were the smart ones..."
I forget what thread it was in but someone used these same or similar words. My comment back was basically to point out the wrong "S" word was used.
The "S" word in that sentence should be SELFISH...
Other "S" words come to mind as well...
STUPID
SMUG
SPINELESS
SCUM
SANCTIMONIOUS
SHAMELESS
SHIRKER
SLACKER
SH*T (might as well bleep it before they do!)
I'm sure there are many more "S" words that might fit the bill.
BTW, this does NOT apply to those who have valid reasons for not being able to physically help out and offer either monetary and/or moral support, as needed, including those who HAVE done the stint and have burnt out. These words are for those who refuse to help, butt in and criticize without lifting a finger ever to help, don't ask for input, just dish out what THEY say should be done, right or wrong, etc., such as paul's bro, NHWM's bro, some or all of Beatty's rellies, etc - at least from what I've read, the shoes fit!
Hoping you get well soon and feel better! No more getting pneumonia - if you're prone to lung issues, maybe the pneumonia shots would help? If you got the shots and still got pneumonia, eek! Take care dear!
Yep! They were the ‘smart’ ones!
I agree with all of your posting. Love the ‘S’ list!
Just like dad and bro, don't let anything written/said here get under your skin. It's someone's opinion, right or wrong and you can ignore it. Take what works for you or what you think might work and leave the rest behind.
In my last job, we had online "progress" reports. Generally a supervisor posts most, but others can too. With or without requests, but often it was up to you to "invite" others to comment. The one running our group kept posting worse stuff every time these were "due." Funny thing is if you read her posts and everyone else's, you'd be scratching your head wondering if they were discussing the same person! I could have fought that. I could have fought the HR person who didn't do her job, but it wasn't worth it. I vented to those I knew were in my camp and let it go. I could read the writing on the wall... I was right. Whatever her issue with me was, she was hell bent on getting rid of me. I took the best away when that happened:
No more 3+ hour round trip commute.
No more putting up with this one's CRAP.
Since my b'day fell the same week as the last severance check, I was DONE working.
You can please some of the people all of the time.
You can please all of the people some of the time.
But you can't please all of the people all of the time.
Please don't go...
I wish you & the readers here a lovely Easter 🥚🐰
I was reading an interesting (old) Huffpost article today...
Emotional Moochers.
Whoa, what a concept! Moochers are not just like that friend of a friend that comes to stay, overstays, eats all your food, borrows money. There are Emotional Moochers too. That drain out your positive emotions (also knowns as energy vampires).
And Drama Magnets. (Yeah, know one or two of thoses).
Something is always wrong. Always. And of course, once a problem is solved, another one emerges. And they only want your empathy, sympathy and support-but not your advice! You offer help and solutions, but they never seem to want to fix anything.
I am trying to build shields for myself for the extended family gatherings 😁
It's a real eye opener. And apparently the book is still available.
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/17431/coping-with-difficult-people-by-robert-m-branson-phd/9780440202011/
All of us know people like that. It truly is a never ending cycle with that type of person.
You’re exactly right in saying that they NEVER want advice!
No matter how kind advice is pointed out to them, they will never admit anything.
It’s always excuse after excuse and worse, they will say to anyone and everyone who will listen that the person that is trying to help them is attacking them.
The person who continually did this is our family was my husband’s grandmother.
What’s truly sad, is that she died in the hospital all alone. She became so miserable to be around that no one could stand being in her presence.
They no longer have any credibility. They are able to fool a few people but sooner or later most people discover their true colors, right?
Chriscat83, interesting point on the time wasted on manipulation. And the sad side effect is that I don't think it generates anything positive in being molded to someone's manipulative desires; it just seems to generate hostility. Sometimes I wanted to tell these two people to "just grow up!" But I think in retrospect that they have some other personality deficiencies and fighting with each other allows them to channel blame instead of addressing their shortcomings.
Another interesting aspect was that I found insights into one of attorneys for whom I worked toward the end of my working life and another who was a department head (although I'm not sure if the problem was him or the company's culture). The latter wasn't an attorney; this was in a large corporation.
And I realized that the first mentioned boss either had ADHD (a good possibility) or had extreme control issues....or both!
It was only when I had some frank chats with other attorneys that I realized he had a very serious problem, and couldn't retain staff.
For people working together, the employer should be able to provide staff with adequate and accurate information to allow them to accomplish their tasks.
The second mentioned individual was just a lousy person, caught up in the machinations of corporate execs. I thought he was a lousy boss too; he didn't support his staff.
How's that saying go? If they can't do the work, promote them? ;-)
We had someone hired into managing the computer dept who came from GE or someplace like that, making razors or something... Way back in the day... No computer experience, just old school MANagement... I swear this man thought women should remain barefoot and pregnant! He criticized what I suggested to make the work flow better, but knew nothing about how it all worked!
Of course it isn't just men who are like that. The last section management person I had to deal with was no better. Imagine her calling a meeting with my "supervisor" (glorified paper pusher and check-box checker) and telling me that she "doesn't know what I do" and saying for all she knows I stand outside and smoke all day... When I said I only smoke 4 butts/day, you could hear the audible intake of air before she said "I didn't even know you smoked."! So, if you don't know that, clearly you have NO clue what I do at all. She was hell-bent on getting rid of me because my closure rate of SW fixes didn't meet her "expectations." Some can be closed quickly, others take time. She NEVER came to the SW lab to talk with me or see what I do. QUALITY toots, not just quantity! When peoples' lives depend on this SW, AND I have to sign my name to it, I prefer to take time to ensure it works correctly. Good riddance, when she finally got her wish.