Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I think cwille has an excellent suggestion for a Christmas gift for your dad and you! Buy him the phone! Money well spent.
Stand that ground!!!
Wife and her mother have had a massive falling out. MIL was ill, didnt listen to anyones advice. She eventually went to to the GP. She stopped eating completely for some reason - wife went mental with her as did the other kids. She can a colonoscopy today and has been admitted to hospital with diverticulitis.
Its been a long running argument too about her alcohol consumption. She must put away, 30 bottles of beer a week. A lot for someone whos 80. But she never listens. I dont think thats helped.
Not the best time to be in hospital at the moment due to covid. No visitors allowed etc. Not great.
In a way I feel sorry for her but all her kids tried to get her to eat the last few weeks, and she just felt sorry for herself. I think part of it is shes malnourished now too.
Hey ho - one thing my Dad I can't fault him on is eating. He cooks for himself etc.
People who just shed their responsibilities & stuff onto their chosen 'beck & call girl/boy'.
Oh sure Dad, have ALL your calls redirected to me, then I'll call you. Crazy!? No wait, even better - coz he won't hear you on the phone well either - drive over there to tell him in person 😭😭😭
I'm sure the hearing issue is real. But as you say, he HAS options. He can get new assessed for new hearing aides. Suggest it again. Then leave it to him. The consequences are his. Of course sometimes it not hearing but cognition - processing / understanding problems.
🥁 drumroll... Hey Dad, if you can't hear on the phone, that's a worry. How will you call the Doctor or an ambulance? Not being able to call for help is one of the reasons old people move into an aged care home. Boom boom.
Another thing I forgot to mention....
Hes been complaining he can't hear people on the phone. Hes awful its pointless phoning him. So I found a special phone on amazon that you can turn the volume up high - nope refused to spend money £40.
His hearing aid the same. In the UK, you can get for free. BUT you can get better if you pay. Not cheap - like £1000 or more but, remember, Dads got about 50x that in the bank. Will he sort it - nope. He now leans in to within 6 inches of your face because he cant hear.
Anyway, he mentioned someone is phoning him to arrange delivery of some walking aid. Asked me if he could put my number down because "I can't hear on the phone" and "you're sat at home all day".
OMG - see above. "sat at home" as in WORKING. I told him I am not being his messenger service I've got better things to do. (And I'd have to phone him to relay the message).
Honestly, thats my bug bear - not helping yourself a little!
But your boundaries are certainly getting stronger!
Over time your powers will keep on getting stronger & his powers will get weaker. You've got this 💪
20 mins of moan, moan, moan about his health and "what do you think?". Batted right back - speak to your doctor I've no idea.
Usual shopping antics. I've noticed now he deliberately keeps stuff back "for next week" so that I've got to go to the store again. I think its a bit of "well you'll have to come because I need this" and I'm also sure he likes the idea of me just doing things for him even if theres no need. Moaned A LOT when I bought a large box of tabs and 2x bags of sugar - not like its going to go bad!
Did try the "so are you coming the weekend?" NO I'm here now. We've had this conversation about 10 times now how my wife works most weekends (she does) and Im not bring my daugher because shes bored.
Nope "Oh can't you do me a favour and visit?" In other words, "put me in front of the rest of your family will you?".
Interstingly, hes not seen my kids for 8 months now. Not even mentioned that - no interest whatsoever.
As I've said before, hes pretty much never left his hometown. I've travelled all over europe with work yet he lectures on me on what I should do when I go abroad.
As I've said before he hates america. Is convinced every street corner has got a gang with guns standing there!
You know your dad. He likes being the boss. Hahaha 😂
Some parents never learn that we are grown adults.
I will never act that way with my grown daughters! They know that I respect them as adults.
I’ve had a lifetime of feeling the effects from my mom treating me like a child. It simply doesn’t work for anyone.
Parents who display this behavior only cause their adult children to resent them.
Imagine what it was like to take him away for the weekend? Every penny I spent - "what are you wasting money on that for". Every item of food - "you need to go on a diet". I'd disapper to the bathroom for 10 mins - "where've you been?"
It was constant - I always refused to have a shared room. Jeez imagine that? I used to shut the hotel room door and flop on the bed.
His best one was his approach to drink driving. OK I didn't. But he'd argue we should not go somewhere where I had to drive to. I'd say not bothered. But then it was "but what if you have a drink,and get pulled over and arrested....."
Really annoying. I'm in my 50s I'm sure I can control myself and not drink alcohol.....
And the one time I had one pint at lunchtime in the cricket. (FYI - the limit in the UK is generally accepted to be 1 pint is ok, 2 pints borderline. But I wasnt driving for like almost 7 hours afterwards!) He moaned and moaned and nagged that I was "irresponsilbe" and I was going to lose my job etc. Bear in mind Dad doesnt drive has NO IDEA about the drink drive laws or limits.
Next time I went I had a pint just to wind him up and show I can make my own decisions....
It's NOT contagious--it's just that many of us are reaching "an age at which _____"!
Beatty: I don't love night driving now, but hopefully it may change. Only go 2 miles down the road anyway.
"If she says hey I was talking to you - he may say, so talk if you want - I don't have to listen though."
I LOVE your husband!!! Yes, he's yours, you can keep him, but I would love him as a friend!!!
As for being rude, sometimes it can be necessary. I only use that VERY sparingly, for those who deserve it. Kinda like flipping my pinky... which is for those who don't deserve the very best, if you know what I mean!!!
"where've you been I've been waiting for you"
The usual eh? Been waiting? So? Wait away!
Does he imply *I'VE been worried. YOU made me worry. Poor little ME. YOU are the bad guy*.
Or is it *I said come at X time. So you need to come right on X time. You MUST obey....*
Either way.. blurgggkk so tiring those games.
My worrywort SIL is like that. Just can't say 'Hi glad you called'. No. Has to ask why you didn't call exactly when she had wanted you to.
But my DH is the KING of flippant comments. Says things like Coz I just didn't care enough 😆. He crosses into rudeness too though. I've seen him just yawn massively & say sorry, were you still talking? I think I fell asleep... If she is still on the same loop, he leaves the room. If she says hey I was talking to you - he may say, so talk if you want - I don't have to listen though.
I avoid night driving where I can now too. Take care!
I find flippant responses sometimes can shut people up. If one can do it without being rude, go for it. We all need to laugh, even if it is only internally...