Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
His favourite is when he asks me to do something for him. I dont mind. Like hes got a problem with his scooter - its insured I sorted that for him. Can you ring them? (yes no problem when I get time).
Then its "oh so ring me tomorrow to tell me what they say?"
Hes not happy. This was sunday. I've been busy in work doing 15 hour days last two days (bit of an emergency). Sat down last night late, 8 missed calls from Dad.
I just get the impression these days that Dad wants the relationship with me that he wants. He wants me to be like my brother, put his kids 2nd, etc. and fawn over him as the center of the universe. I don't want that - and he knows it by now - its like a battle where he just wont accept this.
I haven't and not planning to.
Don't call. Answer if you must - like if you are worried he's fallen or something. But if he sounds alive, wind the call up & reinforce you will call him X day - your regular day.
You are the boss of your telephone. Not him.
Mmmm-hmmm, 'zat so, dat's nice, oh, by the way dad, I offered to take you out for your birthday and you REFUSED.
(From previous postings:
"Again hes trying it on this weekend. Its his birthday so thats a reason for me to drop everything and go and see him."
"margaret - I have offered him an option, offered to take him out for a meal and hes refused.")
So, he's trying to rub it in your face that bro took him out. Great pops, but when I offered to take you out, YOU REFUSED. Hope you both had a nice time, gotta run, bye!
Why are you doing 20 min daily calls? Don't answer, don't call. And don't keep trying to figure out why he does what he does:
"I dont get why he feels the need to play games to force me." You don't need to figure anything out. It is what it is, you can't change it, so just try your best to ignore it, and the calls.
Take a break from calling your dad. It isn’t worth getting stressed out over.
Take care.
Hes trying to make excuses now for me to ring him every day. He knows I dont want. I dont get why he feels the need to play games to force me.
Honestly, a daily 20 min phone call sucks the life out of me.
Polar, you did it again....nailed it.
Freedom from THAT thought - now that would be real freedom indeed.
Good = does what he is told by a grumpy old man. Or does it?? But what if good meant something else? What is a 'good son' anyway?
Paul- your dad may think that and label you 'a bad son.' For those who know your him well, they won't think that. For those who don't know him well and think you're a bad son, try to disregard their opinion of you. They and their opinion shouldn't matter one iota. You do have to work on thickening up your skin. It's easier said than done.
Maybe Brother will call quits & tell him "Hey Dad, time get more help/time to move!".
Alas, another old dog.
He won't do anything that you mention below. He'll just moan.
Yes we'll see after lockdown.
Dad may get more things delivered, do more over the phone, get bills done automatically etc.
Maybe he will start to meet his own social needs elsewhere (other son etc, local friends own age) & not rely on Paul for that too.
This step back may give space for change to happen on both sides. Dad will either swim or sink. If swim - yay. He can continue on at home for a while yet. If he sinks ie still so needy.. demanding of other son to breakpoint there.. oh well... boundaries are in place to prevent that spilling into Paul's world.
The bi-weekly visits are gone.
Time for a 'new normal' after lockdown. What level of contact would that be?
They've pegged yours now, but not the original from Paul!
I didn't even type mine, it was just a copy/paste of the original!
The "Karen" police are here... If we were using "naughty" language to put someone down, fine, but seriously? This censoring business is really STUPID! If people don't like "naughty" words, go somewhere else.
He does not need me. My brother is a mile down the road. He just wants things his way.
A welcome break.....
I did NOT type it that way, I copy/pasted the original statement and put it in quotes. The original statement made by Paul has NOT been modified, and yet mine has. I also see Margaret's usage of the SAME word hasn't been modified.
I saw something similar first in a different posting, with a different word. Thought maybe the censor police are out and about... Well, if they are, they are NOT very good at their job. Censor one and leave all the others alone?
Yet they let some really obviously nasty comments stay...
THAT was a good one! Got a laugh from me!!
My sympathy for all the people who are caught with the new higher Covid numbers in the UK. Even if most of them have suntans to show for the summer folly, it’s horrible for everyone.
BUT… Don’t treat this as ‘time off’ from your problem. The forces of evil are gathering for a come-back. When the lock-down finishes, brother will demand that you do double duty to make up for this, and so will Dad. It’s blindingly obvious.
The best thing is to use this time to get your head a bit clearer from the relentless pressure, and decide on a permanent strategy for the future. Perhaps this is the time to find a shrink to talk to. Perhaps your wife would be willing to talk about the future in general, rather than as a current annoying problem. Or she might be able to refer you to someone (not a close friend) through the health system. Do you have a Marriage Guidance organisation (here re-branded as Relationships Australia)? Perhaps you get some ideas and then try them out on us, for free.
Use the time to save your sanity, long term! Yours, Margaret
Most of us will be there to greet you!!!! ;-D
A little time & space... like a little holiday for your brain!
🌴🍹
Am I going to hell because I'm glad ! lol
Of course, both Dad and brother are saying hes exempt and I can still visit. Umm nope. The rules are if an elderly parent needs you for care etc. And he doesnt.
And brother lives a mile away in the same county.
There is no way I can justify driving over to see him from 2 counties away with a pint of milk. Neither of them are happy.
YES a few weeks off at least...
Is not my parent though!
I'm always on the lookout for more defences so I went researching this fragile victim (or vulnerable) narcissist after Swilson's very helpful video.
Found this;
"Interacting with vulnerable narcissists without enabling their emotional manipulation can take practice, but it is possible. Consider trying the gray rock method: basically, make yourself so mundane that the narcissist finds no satisfaction in needling you. Don’t fuel the narcissist; drama, conflict, and even stimulating conversation are off-limits. How are you today? Fine. What have you been up to? Work. How is work? Fine. Has it been busy? Same as usual. (You get the idea.)"
😂😂😂 I realised that's how I answer my Mother! Otherwise a storm of questions descends on me. Looks like a small cloud but somehow feels like an oppressive fog, extracting information for future use.
I think we need to start a grey rock club! 😁
The lady who used to give him a lift to church, suddenly stopped going or her car broke down? Or did it?
The neighbour who used to get his newspaper every day, started spending more time at his holiday caravan.
His cousin, who previously, ran errands for Dad suddenly started feeling under the weather a lot.
I can see what he does to people...
A lot of it with him is worry and anxiety. He hates getting ill, and he hates the feeling that he might not be able to look after himself. BUT, whats in his head is 100x worse than what is real.
Hence, he seems to need to "test" me constantly to ensure hes still got me at his beck and call. As you can see when its 1000 times!
As you say its getting to that point now....
That term, the Fragile Victim Narcissist. I had not heard it before - but it fit's Paul's Dad (imho) like a glove! SPOT ON.
Now Jane from my story (real story btw) I have always thought of as a Control Freak. There is a Control Freak subtype of Narcissism! Also SPOT ON.
Thankyou so much.