Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I had a mantra when my mom started to decline and she became anxious about every little d@amn thing. "Don't tell mom anything that doesn't have a happy ending".
I.e., Mom, we just got back from France! Look at the lovely pictures and souvenirs I bought for you!
Mom, we were in Israel; you could hear the rockets going off, but we were safe in our hotel's safe room.
Mom, DH had some surgery last week and it's all fine. The doctor says there is no need for further concern.
If you keep alerting your father to stuff that you KNOW from experience will upset and alarm him you are either in total denial about his mental health, extremely child-like in your need to inform your daddy about everything you do or incredibly cruel to a fragile old man.
I strongly suggest that you try to either examine your soul to figure out which of these unpleasant options is the case or find someone who can help you to do so.
IF perchance you slip up and reveal something, and he starts in with his woes, stop him, cut him off. He says:
"Playing the massive guilt card with comments like "I wont sleep", "I'll be worried sick", "this will finish me off"."
You say gee dad, every time, every SINGLE time we have gone on vacation or away for a few days, you have said the same thing - can't sleep, worry sick
AND this will finish you off... Hmmmm, you're still here, aren't you?
I can just hear him sputtering after that... what can he say? He IS still there!
Mum's the word. ixnay on the ansplay (pig latin for those who never heard of this! means nix on the plans!)
Don't feed the machine. No input, no output (at least not like this - sure, he'll still BMC if you state the next visit date, but try not to do that either. If he asks at any time, defer the hell out of it. Soon. In a few days. When I get a chance. The response should be as vague as possible. Then, don't answer all his calls. Let it go to voicemail, delete them without listening maybe, as they'll generally all be the same thing! Doctors have your number, yes? If he's having REAL medical issues, they will contact you.
I've told him this in the past - because he "worries" does not mean I stop doing things. He STILL seems to think that he can get me to do what he wants by doing this. Playing the massive guilt card with comments like "I wont sleep", "I'll be worried sick", "this will finish me off".
I've sat him down in the past and told him how unnacceptable this was but his answer is always "I can't help it I just worry". Nothing I can do.
Of course, as Beatty says a large part of this is he'd rather I go nowhere so I'm around for those two weeks to run around for him.
I suppose he worries because (to him) it's like his arm is going off on holidays. Now why would his own arm go off & leave him? It needs to stay on his body & do what his brain tells it. That's how I picture my Mum's worries. Since I don't see her as much she doesn't have enough fuel to keep particular worry fires going about my daily life.. as she doesn't know the intricacies of what I am up to. When I see her she wants to know when I am working. Why? Who knows..
That's why I suggested not telling him. He does NOT need to know what plans you have - ANY plans. It doesn't involve him, it's none of his business, so just don't tell him. If/when you have plans that mean you can't go visit or deliver supplies, ALL he needs to know is that the date(s) HE insists on are not open, non-negotiable, you will not be available, PERIOD. No reason why, just NOT available, and suggest a date that works for YOU. If he doesn't like that, too bad, so sad. Next date may be further out, so take it or leave it dad. THIS is what I have open.
You KNOW what he will do, so why go there? He has, I repeat, ZERO need to know why you can't go or why you are unavailable. Telling him anything just feeds the machine!!! A normal person/parent would be pleased to know you are taking time off, getting rested, having fun, etc. But, we all know he isn't a normal parent.
Jeez. Drama Llama. Of course, all his "facts" are totally wrong anyway. Hes convinced himself that where I'm going is a hot spot. Its not. They've had ZERO cases on the island for a month.
We have a government department here called FCO (its like homeland security). They're the ones who advise on foreign travel etc. Pretty much if FCO don't go your travel insurance is invalid.
A week or so ago they opened up tons of countries that had been locked down. Alas not the USA! They would not have done this if it wasnt fairly safe.
Not unexpected but I've really had enough of his attempts to control what I do based on his opinions.
Disney tickets I only bought in may and decided to pay for cancel insurance - that turns out to be a good idea! So waiting for the refund there.
Yes, even I am thinking it might not be such a good idea to go to WDW in florida at the moment? Is there even any talk of them closing again? Seems like they're ploughing on regardless?
We get a special ticket in the uk which is good for 14 or 21 days. So what we do is upgrade one of us to an AP so u get free parking then (at $20 a day it adds up).
You actually lose on actual tickets - 2x 21 day tickets is a little cheaper than 1x21 day plus AP upgrade costs. Of course, you've got to come back in a year.
So we did this on first day - I paid $670 to upgrade.
Would have been good if I could use this year. BUT they're sticking to their story - you can only have 4 months refund. about $400.
My argument is, apart from parking, I've had nothing from the AP - I could have stuck to my original ticket. So I'm a bit out of pocket.
Their answer is "tough the park is open not our problem you can't get in".
Calling would likely be a nightmare for you (comments from people trying this have not had a lot of luck getting through, spending hours on hold, getting hung up on, etc.) There is nothing in the search results I found about how they will deal with non-US Pass holders, and they SHOULD, because even if WDW opened up fully on the planned date, there isn't any way for you to go until the US allows non-US residents in!! I would raise holy hell myself.
Initially it sounds like they were not going to refund/extend anyone's pass, but I think it was a lot of complaints from those who had tickets (esp those with day passes that would expire while it it shut down) and being broadcast in the news... Perhaps you could email/contact some FL news outlets (tv, papers) and bring this conundrum up. Sure, Diz, open up July, Aug, whenever, but if the US gov't says we CAN'T come here, what good is it that you are open and keep my money (oh, yeah, I get the 'you keep our money')?
Disney makes enough money - and it should be about customers. If they want to continue to have ardent patrons, they would know to bend this to the customer's benefit! One person's comment said because they used the pass 10 times, they were not entitled to ANY refund... really? A pass that is supposedly good for a year? A number of those commenting said they are done, no more passes or trips to WDW. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot!
While some of it is fun (I took my kids when they were maybe 3 and 7), once was enough for me! The lines for many rides are ridiculous, the heat and sun was really too much (We went in May! I can't imagine what it's like in August when you go!!!) We also went to Busch Gardens - what a rip off that was! The sky ride and monorail ride were down (a reason I wanted to take the kids, so we could see the animals!) and was told the train was operational. We saw NOTHING on that train! 99% of the rides are NOT geared for kids.
Try anything once... twice if you like it... Once was more than enough!
I also agree with BarbBrooklyn's statement - disaster on top of current disaster!! It's only about 1:45 PM EDT and FL has 8,935 new cases with 119 deaths today!!!
In fact, we recently voted to leave the european union (a bad mistake imho).
UK and europeans are not allowed into the USA yet anyway. And USA is on the red list for the UK too. i.e. even if you're allowed in you have to quarantine for 14 days on return.
UK government announced this last week starting tomorrow. A load of countries you can go to without quarantine. Obviously spain is on there.
Don't get me woud up up about Disney though. I've got an Annual Pass but all they will do is refund the number of days it closed march to july when it opens shortly. No consideration that some of us can't even get in the country! I'm a lot out of pocket!
So do you think WDW will still open as planned in FL?
My Mom had a minor habit of "having cancer" ever other year or so after I moved across country at 21. Since I returned at the age of 34, there was one successful attempt to derail a trip I had planned. That happened about 7 years ago.
Then, three years ago, I finally decided I HAD to get away (back to the place I call home). Well, Mom started "declining" around the time I announced my plans.
I did not budge. That decision was correct for me and family.
It sounds like your Dad considers you to be responsible for his emotional well-being. That is unfortunate. For him. He is very fortunate to have a loving and attentive son. If it helps, remember that he may not be fully conscious of his manipulation. This type of dynamic often starts when a child is very young. Don't know if this is your situation.
Good job on setting boundaries.
D
Our planned weekend escape (in our own state) also cancelled as today we enter lockdown #2 for 6 weeks. 😩
Have fun in Lanzarote.
Then don't tell him anything. Why feed the beast???? He has NO need to know that you canceled the trip to FL and also NO need to know about ANY of your plans with or without family. NONE. If he needs to be told anything, it is just you will be unable to visit until after X date. No explanation, just unavailable. He doesn't need to know ANY plans.
As for not being allowed into US, I have been monitoring various stats... FL is not looking very good! Since late May, with a few exceptions, deaths have been ranging upper 40s into 60s. New cases are spiraling up, on occasion almost or over 10k/day. Not a place (among others) I would want to be! While most of the infections and deaths may not be around Orlando, for sure there are some, so best to not go there. Lines at Disney might be great (aka no lines!), but would it be worth it?
Also, seems pretty clear that US is on pretty much everyone's no entry list! Even among states, as they "reopen" some avenues, there are restrictions. For instance, Maine is allowing people from several neighboring states to visit (tourists who will stay), but exclude Massachusetts. They base this on various stats, of which MA numbers are higher than ME, but the others are lower. News has covered similar issues with NY and others.
So, Lanzarote it is on 20th july. Short notice!
Dad has been obsessive with his attempts to get me to cancel Florida. He'll be pleased about that. He is going to EXPLODE when I tell him I'm off to Lanzarote (which is an island that belongs to Spain).......
Can guarantee I'll get a lecture about it and how unsafe it is. I'm 52 now. Please tell it won't be too long before my parent works out I'm an adult!
He hates Europeans more than he does Americans lol...... Not keen on Aussies either.
I think a lot of people have lonely parents who like you to visit. It can become a bit of a chore for a lot of people I'm sure.
With me personally, not sure about you Beatty, but when he crosses the line and behaves badly then I seemed to lose any sympathy you might have had anyway.
I find it tough with my MIL. Shes been lonely during lockdown. Shes not in the same league as my Dad - maybe a little annoying, a little demanding, and does try it on a little.
BUT, I see the negative because of my experience with my Dad. I assume shes playing games and "trying it on". Half the times shes just lonely I'm sure. So maybe I'm a bit harsh with her because of how my Dad is.
Sometimes the tool box is pretty empty to start! If family of origin (going back thru the generations) didn't supply then they have had to search & learn the skills through the wider world.
Mine did the best job they knew how to do. I am doing the same 😃
I’m sorry for the troubles you had, Beatty, and I’m not at all offended. But please don’t harden your heart too much!
PS Paul posted while I was writing this. His Dad really is one out of the box, you have to admit.
Margaret - of course hes lonely. Of course I care about him and I probably would never leave him for a month.
Beatty - I agree with you too to be honest. The more I do the less he will do for himself. Yes of course his NEEDS are met 100%
I'm happy to meet his needs, and also be there, when I can for his wants, like wanting me to visit. As long as it doesn't mean it adversely affects my family.
What I won't do is be there for his WANT of being able to control me.
I've tried in the past sitting him down and explaining nicely, I've sat his down and been harsh. In one ear and out the other every time. Hes even said in the past "well I'm old and need looking after and that's the way it is and you're family have to understand that". You can what I mean?
I hope this is unusual & that not all carers go though this?
I don't doubt it hardened my heart 😞
I absolutely agree that honesty & saying what you will & will not do, now & for the future is the best way. I think many people have trouble with that, or saying no in general (I did) & they may resort to the (untrustworthy) response of 'yeah, yeah' but then don't go. I softer no is *maybe*. That's kind of what I meant. Say maybe, then don't go that time.
Paul has given him many alternatives to get his stuff done (shopping, chemist goods, appointments, taxi to betting shop etc) but he still pressures Paul to do it all. This what I meant by don't go for a month. He has food (Paul stocked the freezer) his bills are paid, the heating is on. So his NEEDS are ok - it's want of company & to control what Paul does (lonely & anxiety imo).
If Paul's Dad is lonely & anxious these are not things that Paul can or should fix.
I get the pressure. That's why I said to work back the visits to a longer time frame.
You know my tale: A social visit to one was a battle - always attempting to find out my schedule to fill up my time with chores for the other.
A social visit to the other, would be met with dishes, rubbish, cockroaches & urine soaked bedding. Alternatives had been suggested & suggested. But just can't leave it there!
My life is SO much better now I am NOT visiting those relatives in person. I can chat by phone but not be pressured into jobs as soon as I am through the door.
Ok rant over... Back to Paul. I hope you future is not my past, that's all.
Take Margaret's advice. Tell him now, with honesty (again,as I know you have). If you need more help that I can give, it's time to hire it or move.
He is a pain in the neck, but nevertheless he is an old man and he is lonely. Beatty’s advice “Don't go. Not for a month. Then 2 months” is not kind, and actually not normal since you are not too far away. If he was more pleasant, you would probably manage a social visit every couple of weeks. You do actually care quite a lot about him.
Deciding what you want to do should include a regular social visit. It shouldn’t include anything that he can do for himself, like getting food delivered or sorting out very normal bills. Lay it on the line, in writing if you think it will stick better. Then tell him that all his demands make you less willing to see him, not more willing to help. This is what you will do, these other things you will not do, and you will not talk about them on the phone either. If he wants more support, he can easily get it by moving into AL.
I was quite shocked by Beatty’s advice. It shouldn’t come to this!