Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
"I just refuse to be manipulated like that. I know it sounds mean because Dad will be alone this weekend, but if I do it once, then both brother and Dad will know it works and just wont stop.
I'll be forever getting calls expecting me to visit at last minute "oh you're brothers working can you come"
How's that poster/saying go?
"Lack of (or poor) planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on MY part!"
Another:
"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either..." (cat wash day is coming up too... sorry!)
You know what food/supplies he has, so no emergency there.
Anything that comes in the mail is NOT emergency, and he has a voice and a phone. Deal with it pops! It's your account/service/doc, whatever it is, it is HIS and HE should deal with it.
Anything not working that is critical (fridge, freezer, heat or AC, plumbing *could* be considered emergency, but there are people who are closer and better equipped to "fix" whatever is broken or that he messed with. Same for TV/phone/internet - NOT your job.)
"He made it worse by saying my lazy wife could take her turn too because his wife would."
What a major DICK! I wouldn't be talking to him either!
Sunday b'day/kid sitting - don't forget, Sundays are cat washing days... =^..^= They do take a long time to dry!!
Finally - this is the place to rant if you still need to. It would be best if you could just banish those thoughts as they start to creep in, force the mind to something else, something pleasant, fun, or some old tune you like that perks you up. If you need to rant, better here than at wife or others. They will get tired of it and start shutting you out. Lesson I learned long ago. Once, twice, here and there, but after a while they do start distancing - they don't want to hear it anymore than you want to deal with it - BANISH it!
I did a quick search on 'anticipating bad' - there are a lot of hits, maybe some can help you and others. I like the final thought from this site (don't let the "women" reference turn this away!):
https://lifestoogood.net/negative-anticipation-worse-women-learn-channel/
It does talk about how doing this actually affects you twice - once in anticipating the worst and twice in having it happen/affirmation. BANISH the thoughts!!! Drown them with good thoughts, of previous good times, and future good times!
In the Final Thoughts:
"Also, how about trying to have more positive anticipation in your life. Having things to look forward to is a wonderful way to add spice in your life and fight off stress and worries."
P.S. your last post just popped up. IF you irritated any of us, more than likely we would leave too.... We're still here! You have made progress. Improvement of anything is an ongoing task, in many ways, including improving ourselves! None of us is perfect... As my kids learned long ago, there's only one thing in this world that is perfect... a$$holes...
I think I know some of you quite well now lol. If I'm annoying just ignore me! :-)
I worry about you ate exhausting yourself with all this thinking about the games dad and bro play.
You DON'T need an excuse to say no. You have OUR permission!!!!
(Hugs)))))
Your father has no more right to "demand" things of you than you have to "demand" them of him.
I.e., dad calls, or brother calls and says "you must come this weekend, no food in the house".
You say. "I can't come this weekend. I can have an order delivered at dad's expense. That's what I'm willing to do."
If they get nasty, hang up and don't answer their calls for a week.
Can you do that?
YOU get to decide what you want to/can do. Not dad. Not brother. You have the power of self-determination.
If I give in to pressure from my Dad/brother then what does that say?
Its MILs 80th birthday sunday. With current situation no plans, but its possible only wife and her siblings will go (with covid and all you dont want the kids mixing) so I've got to look after daughter.
Can hardly say, umm sorry seeing your mum on her 80th, cant happen. Dad and brother have cooked something up and trying to make me do that instead. Can you imagine?
I would bet my mortgage that brother and his wife are NOT working this weekend. In fact, I dont think hes even got a job.
Hes been caught out so many times lying to Dad. He says one thing to me, gets on his high horse, then behind Dads back lies to him. This is his MO telling him hes got a job because he knows it gets dad off his back.
Its also not the first time hes "manufactured" things so that I'll have to fill in (he thinks). I'd also put money on the fact that whats happened EXACTLY is Dad has told him I came last weekend and hes thought, right thats it, he can do weekends now.
I just refuse to be manipulated like that. I know it sounds mean because Dad will be alone this weekend, but if I do it once, then both brother and Dad will know it works and just wont stop.
I'll be forever getting calls expecting me to visit at last minute "oh you're brothers working can you come".
If you remember my brother and I dont speak. The last time we spoke was when he tried to impost a Saturday rota which I said I couldnt do (I've got kids to look after!). He made it worse by saying my lazy wife could take her turn too because his wife would. So I know how his mind works. Hes got a massive chip on his shoulder that he does this that etc and I do nothing.
While any visit should not be because you feel "sorry" for him, at least going on YOUR time ("Suits me better.") is the way to do it. It's not what HE wants, but you can check the box by your name, said you did your time and be done with that! Sure, he won't like it, but again, this is working around YOUR schedule, not his, not brother's. Don't forget to schedule washing the cats!!! Also bro may be planning his "outings" thinking it'll force you to go more often. Don't fall for that trick!
As for the wife, remember she isn't you or an extension of you. There must be a reason you chose her, and her "nice" nature just might be part of it. Don't let it get under your skin. Perhaps put up a LARGE calendar, marked clearly with things planned on it. Maybe push back a bit, if there is something that is important to most/all of you and have her reschedule whatever it was. Work may be a tough one at this time, but as things settle it should naturally reduce the amount of "we need you." Funny, waaaay back in my first job (cashier at a local market) they only hired part time people (way ahead of their time - part time=no bennies!) So one time the night manager says to me 'I have to write up a report on why anyone works more than 30 hours. YOU are a problem because you sometimes work more than 40 hours!' The reason was if they had someone call out, they would ask me. I didn't have any obligations and if I had no plans, sure, I would go in. It got so bad that one time I told the head cashier who called that I didn't have a car. He asked 'If I come pick you up will you come in?' I said sure and he DID come pick me up!
So long as she doesn't really feel whatever she's agreed to is imposition, she will continue to do this, so don't let it irk you. If/when she starts to feel someone is taking advantage of her, she can learn to push back (she'll have a good teacher!) Her chosen profession is nurse, which likely means she is predisposed to "help" others when they need it, or to be agreeable to whatever comes up. It isn't like nursing (outside an office at least) is a "normal" 9to5 kind of job. You don't go in saying today I do X, Y, Z - you go with the flow. Sure, there are certain things planned, but sometimes other needs pop up and need to be handled. Different world than office work (yes, crises crop up there too, but not usually on a daily basis.) Kinda like being a mom - you have certain duties that happen every day, and then those emergencies pop up!
Although it is a generalization, I often tell others that the old axiom about men being one-track mind and women scatter-brained really has it's roots in prehistory. Not all men or women fit the "mold", but think about it. When humans were still hunter/gatherers, men had to stay focused on hunting - prepping tools, making plans, doing the hunt, etc. It wasn't like they could just go out for a few hours and bring home the bacon (once in a while it might pan out, but more often it would take many days!) Women, on the other hand, had to tend the hearth, prepare foods, set up/take down shelters when they moved, care for the kids and gather the other food stuffs (nuts, berries, fruits, roots, vegetables. etc.) So, in that respect, yes, men were "one-track" mind, stay focused, and women were "scatter-brained", having to juggle many tasks every day.
A rather boring and dated, but relevant video we watched in Anthropology was about the Kung Bushmen of the Kalihari. It demonstrated exactly this. So, although not everyone fits the mold, and there are crossovers, I find that sometimes people can't "juggle" tasks - they have to stay focused on that one thing they are doing, while others can juggle many tasks. I often have many "sticks" in the fire and some are amazed how I keep track of them all, including other women!
Brother wont be there all weekend because of this alleged working. So Dad will be alone. He doesn't "need" groceries at all.
One way I feel a bit sorry but damned if I'm going to let them play their tricks like this.
I might pop up one evening next week instead. Suits me better. It'd be 2/3 days later. Dad would hate that though because its not a day he selected.
I always say, let them deal with it. Overtime is optional - it when you want to work not them all the time.
Obviously, for last few months, since brother lives a mile away hes been doing the shopping etc. To be fair, legally I was not allowed - there is still a 5 mile rule in wales. Also, he lost his job so had plenty of time. I just knew he wouldnt like this.
Of course, I visited Dad last weekend. Spoke to Dad last night. Hes out of food, can I do him a favour and visit this sunday and get him some stuff. Both brother and his wife and working saturday and sunday. Complete rubbish.
He "suddenly" got a new job a week ago. I dont even think this job is real. She hardly ever works but, now and again, paints peoples houses. Suddenly they are both working ALL weekend.
They must all think I'm stupid. I've become available and, not for the first time, brother has cooked something to ensure I "do my turn".
And Dad, seriously, need groceries. I got them for you THREE days ago. Come on now.
As it is I'm busy sunday. Its my MILs bday. And I'm on call.
Im so annoyed at being manipulated again.
So, your wife says yes to people without giving it too much thought.
Hmm... I wonder if that was what happened at the altar when the priest / minister asked her: "Do you want to take this man...?"
Haha. Just joking Paul. You're a nice guy and she was right to have said yes to you.
That was me - I worked under adversity with workhorse bosses. I wish your wife well - but sounds like she's got everything under control.
She sees the good in everyone. Maybe I'm the opposite after my experiences. She just does not even think ahead and think what will happen.
I could count in the 100s the times shes said ok to someone mainly her mother then I've said to her later "but yes you were going for the day with your friend that day". Oops shes now ruined her plans....
I said to her more than once - "Im sure you get up in the morning, say whatever, don't think ahead and just say yes to everything anyone asks".
Shes done it in work too. Shes a nurse and they give her some old sob story about how their short of people. It always works. She says yes then has to cancel her plans. I'm trying to get her to say "I'll think about it" then go and check her diary and see if she really can help out or not.
Shes lovely is my wife but so infuriating...
Wife is just SOOOO laid back she lets everyone do anything at all. Not for one minute does she think about what shes agreed to.
In a way, shes so nice that she does this but it infuriates me. People take advantage.
I've lost track of the times I've said "what did you say that for?" or "you just agreed to x" and shes said "Oh did I? sorry" and then "Oh it'll be ok".
Just today she got her shifts for next week. MIL is asking ME so she knows when to come up to "help out". My wife is out at the moment - I said do not admit you're working monday or that'll be her excuse that she has to come up sunday and stay all week. (We dont need her anyway I'm home).
Otherwise wife will not even see if and say "aw ok then".
No, not just you. Clearly even your wife gets to that point ("Normally after about 2 days her mum starts to annoy her even more than she annoys me though lol.") If possible, take some time outside the house - getting claustrophobia being "stuck" at home happens a lot. Even if you just take a break and go for a walk. As I say to others, 3 months staying at home most of the time is bad enough, try 2+ years! Mainly because of $ that has been me... Just when that was resolving and I could try to live a more normal life again, virus/lockdown comes along. Compound that with car woes (Honda had dead hybrid battery, resolved that only to have something up front go, likely tie rods, older Jeep is at shop waiting for check-over and minor fix, new Jeep is under safety hazard recall!) So, my "trips" away from home are severely limited again!
As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder! Too much of anything can get nauseating!
When still married, very early on, ex accepted a job offer and quit his job, but the new job didn't pan out. I worked off shift, so until he found another job, he was "under foot" a lot. I did finally say 'go get a job!' At one point he also said maybe he could stay home and watch the kids and I could work - sure, but that means you take on the other house duties, you don't just sit on your behind and let the kids play... cleaning, meal prep, laundry, shopping, etc. in addition to child care! He was one of those who thought women's work was a snap!
"Maybe I should just chill a bit and go with the flow." Yup. Especially if you realize this is not just you - many float in the same kind of boat!
FWIW - at some point well before mom started down the dementia path, I used to say that 4 hours was the MAXIMUM I could be around her, and that was when others were there (holiday or other gathering.) When my niece and her BF were there, I stopped by to pick them up so we could do something together on their last day visiting. Not 10 min there, trying to ask my mother something, she got in my face all nasty, so I walked out and waited by my car. When they came out, I repeated that statement above, and the BF said that wasn't even 10 min! So I reiterated that 4 hours was the MAX, I never gave a minimum. So, you are not alone. Sometimes she was okay and I could tolerate longer periods, but I knew well beforehand that there was no way I could live with her or her with me. Nope.
(some say why so many cars - two aren't new. Honda is about 12 yo, gets great mileage when Hybrid battery in place, so good for longer trips. Older Jeep is 17yo, but it is my plow - loooong driveways, both previous and even more now, that wouldn't be done by shovel! New Jeep was so I would have something reliable in winter without a plow - reliable? Not even 2yo and already THREE recalls, two of which are safety related!!! Reliable??? Expensive as all hell, but seriously...)
Margaret - Yeh I suppose we've "missed" three months of even seeing her at all so it'd take months to catch that up.
Polar - yeh I do. Same as you. I like the lady I do but I don't want her here all the time. I try to explain to my wife but she just says "yeh but my mum is ok" which she is. Normally after about 2 days her mum starts to annoy her even more than she annoys me though lol.
Disgusted - Jeez I cant imagine my Dad for 3 HOURS a week let alone 3 days. Yeh there are some positives.
Maybe its me. Being stuck home in lockdown is hard for everyone and I'm not liking WFH any more. My wife and I have argued more which I guess is like a lot of people.
I am working till 5 in the daytime but then I've got her in the evenings. Normally when I;'m in work I'm not home till 6 and by 730 shes gone to bed same time as daugher to read her books.
I think part of it is me getting way too stressed about it. (Dad does nothing to help my stress levels!) Maybe I should just chill a bit and go with the flow.
"The gallon is a unit of measurement for volume and fluid capacity in both the US customary units and the British imperial systems of measurement. Three significantly different sizes are in current use:
the imperial gallon, defined as 4.54609 litres, which is used in the United Kingdom, Canada, and some Caribbean nations;
the US gallon defined as 231 cubic inches (exactly 3.785411784 litres), which is used in the US and some Latin American and Caribbean countries;
and the US dry gallon, defined as 1⁄8 US bushel (exactly 4.40488377086 litres).
There are four quarts in a gallon and eight pints in a gallon, and they have different sizes in different systems.
The IEEE standard symbol for the gallon is gal.[1][clarification needed]"
I especially love the "clarification needed" part.
So I think, if anyone's crossing the Atlantic in either direction, your best bet is probably to look at what you're getting and think: "that much."
I'm probably among the last generation ever to have had to do arithmetic problems using old UK currency - pounds, shillings and pence. Twelve pence to a shilling, twenty shillings to a pound; and to add to the fun a guinea was twenty-one shillings. A florin was two shillings. A crown was five shillings. Half a crown was two-and-six. A farthing was a quarter of a penny. There were also ha'pennies, and threepenny bits, and sixpences.
Quite honestly it's a wonder that we're not crazier.
After decimalisation, when a sixpence was suddenly worth two and a half new pennies (!!!), once things had all settled down a bit, I remember talking to my grandmother about the new currency and the new arithmetic problems and how much simpler everything was in base ten. Granny had a particular look she gave you when you'd been so stupid as to miss something blindingly obvious to the meanest intelligence. She took my hand, turned it over, and told me to count up on my fingers with my thumb. Base twelve. D'oh! So... that's where it all started.
I like my husband's parents, they are very nice to us and we them, but I don't think I want to spend more than a few hours with them once every other week over a meal. We and our in-laws need our own space.
Since you have 3 kitties... The next 3 Sundays are taken up by Cat Washing!!! ;-)
As for MIL - well, having her there keeps everyone else happy (and maybe out of your hair), and to look on the bright side of things, she's not your dad being there 3 days/week! NEVER divulge to him that she is there, EVER! You'll never hear the end of that. Of course having someone else there often will tend to get under your skin and/or on your nerves - kinda upsets the routine and you kinda have to monitor your Ps and Qs.
So you "visited" and brought supplies, and "...hes not happy at all..." We all expected that, right? You did your "deed", it isn't appreciated, but it's done. Put that behind you. Of course he doesn't like you bringing "loads", as he knows that means you won't need to go back for a while. Tough tookies. I came, I saw and I delivered...
Personally, if my mother did that to me, I would say fine, you figure out a way to get your supplies then. Obviously you don't like they way I do it! It was a long trip for me to get to her place and then take her to the store, monitor (she would buy stuff she already had plenty of) and bring her back, OR pick up supplies elsewhere and deliver. Fortunately she was thankful - had other issues, but that wasn't one of them.
Job (well) done and over with... plan the cat washing, one each of the next 3 Sundays... but don't tell the cats!!!
=^..^= =^..^= =^..^=
(Edit after post: Got a chuckle just after posting this... washing the cats, Trevor and SNL - that episode was with Simon and Trevor in the tub!!)
Previous cats - Kevin and Keith.
To be honest, coming out of lockdown is worse. MIL lives alone and has taken it really badly.
Shes nice enough and used to stay 2 nights sometimes 3 a week anyway. Sometimes it was childcare help.
Trouble is, and she did manipulate my wife a bit, she seems to have scammed herself 3 nights a week at our house for the foreseeable future! Siblings as usual are hiding and leaving it all to use.
I get that shes lonely, really missing the kids but, honestly. I'm trying to be nice and think of that and be a nice person. I've no tolerance these days after years or dad.
But 3 days a week of MIL everyone else in the house (especially the kids) will love. Me not so!
Arrghhhh. Pray for my sanity in the coming weeks!!!!!!