Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Yesterdays phone call was about how ill he was (cold again), how depressed he was and how he couldnt wait for me to come and see me soon! Eh? I never agreed to that....
Once again, I told him how things were in the country. In one ear and out the other again!
Am I being unreasonable here?
I got him loads of food a few weeks ago for his freezer. Brother has been getting the day to day stuff like bread and mil for him (remember he lives a mile away no kids etc).
OK, Dad may get a little short on frozen meals. He likes a specific type which (by coincidence lol) are sold in the supermarket near where I live. Although I'm betting hes still got plenty left.
Hes gets "meal on wheels" 4 days a week (not sure why but he could do 7 days but chooses not to).
Yet he still wants me, it seems, to drive 25 miles each way with his favourite frozen dinner, only for me to send it up on his stairlift. Its not as if I even see him face to face. I just don't get why hes trying to make me do it! He knows what the queues are like at supermarkets, its been tough enough with wife stck at home.
Also, surely its not an urgent journey? If the police pulled me over, I can't see how "yes I'm delivering his favourite food, but oh yes my brother a mile away is sorting essentials" They'd look at me as if I was stupid!
Dad could do:-
1. Arrange meals on wheels for every day.
2. Get brother to buy a different brand of frozen meal.
3. Let me arrange deliveries (maybe not so easy).
4. Make me make a borderline illegal drive (that I could be fined for) to deliver what he wants....
I don't get why option 4 in his head is the one he wants... Seems very selfish.
She had to get bunion surgery. I am not sure what bunions are. Anyway, she was supposed to stop wearing high heels, take a break from dancing with heals and continue her physical therapy.
Youth! LOL She whispered to me that she had a date to go dancing that weekend! Have a feeling this young woman was going to keep having her foot issues.
Ouch!!! But it was fun until you hit the wall. LOL
Even with the bevvies, it was painful!
Sympathy & tea for your wife.
She didn't want to go to the hospital. I had to make her go!
Hospital was quiet. One door to go in and no other people allowed in.
Take care of her, and you. Leave dad be. >>>>>>>>((((((hugs)))))))))).
(That's a socially distanced hug)
Oh my gosh! That must have hurt. Ouch! Geeeeez, not a fun way to spend the day.
April1st. I get that you wouldn’t believe her. Hahaha
Wife doing OK with knee. Bit of a setback yesterday, she stumbled and nearly fell, hit her other food. 3 Hours in hospital yesterday, badly broken toe that needed to be manipulated back in place, so thats all strapped up too.
She was howling down the stairs yesterday am shouting saying "I think I've broken my toe". I just shouted back "yeh right, April the 1st!"
It is sly behavior. It’s clever too. It’s acknowledging his behavior in a sarcastic way.
Plenty of people use techniques like Paul’s dad. They play dumb when caught. We all catch onto their behavior. My mom did the same thing. Paul is totally aware of his dad’s behavior. He doesn’t need to reread the messages.
He isn’t complementing his dad or respecting his behavior. I get exactly how Paul feels. I saw the same thing in my mom’s behavior as well as some of my friend’s parents.
and
"What was her reason for ignoring all advice..."
Two possible issues there...
- someone can be book smart/educated, but be incredibly stupid otherwise.
- many people ignore advice, laws, rules, etc because it won't happen to them!
Hopefully she wasn't one of the infected but no symptoms who would pass it on to the elders...
Ya really can't fix stupid (having pols be stupid and not warn or accept what was happening or about to happen doesn't help, if those are the ones they look up to.)
So glad that your wife is doing well. Yes, she shouldn’t go back before she is ready. She does need to heal. I am sure it’s very frustrating for her.
Not always - there have been many times when things have been so transparent its become obvious what hes playing at. That does make me laugh....
Wifes knee is going ok. Week now and it seems be going well. 12 weeks off work but shes trying to volunteer to go back in a few weeks to do something sitting down (remember shes a nurse). I just hope she doesnt go back too soon - she does do this!
A friend of mine who has so much trouble with her mom who is always scheming things. Her mom forgets that she has revealed how she ‘tricked’ her three previous husbands and many others.
So when she tries to pull the same trick on her daughter, my friend tells her, “Mom, you got away with that with your dead husbands but you can’t pull that trick on me.”
The ‘playing dumb’ thing is a very old trick! My mom tried that all the time.
Take a break from him when you need to. You don’t have to speak to him every single day. Keep the conversations brief when you do call.
Since my mom moved out I have only spoken to her briefly a few times. I called this week and had a short chat. I am like you. I don’t expect her to ever change. It doesn’t even matter anymore.
At some point, we have to stop wishing or hoping for them to be different. I accepted it and feel like you have too. It took me being away from mom to realize certain things.
Otherwise, it’s weird. Seeing her daily was a reminder of what she wasn’t ever going to be. I have no contact with my brothers. Don’t plan to resume a relationship with them. Nothing in common.
My brother has wonderful sons. They are nothing like him. He can’t take credit for how great they turned out. They have a terrific mom and she deserves the credit for their character. I am close to my nephews. I am godmother to his oldest son.
How is your wife’s knee? Is she in a lot of pain or relatively comfortable?
I am getting better honest. I have managed to not say things now during a phone call and let a lot of things go.
I've realised its pointless getting mad because it just upsets me - he doesnt care!
He is clever though. NEVER loses his temper or let it get into an argument. That would be easier. He knows how far to push and knows he needs to keep me onside a little. i.e. Have a go at me but not get into a raised voices argument.
Move from one apartment (with cleaning & meals I presume?) to another apartment with cleaner & cook.
The benefit to him would be what exactly???
My Mum has her little schemes too. I just go hmmmm, I see, riiiight, ok. I wait for the "YOU have to..." No, I won't be doing that. Change subject.
It is draining.
The scenario:
Locked out of our house, staying at my parents' house. Once everyone was out, gone to work (I was on off-shift then), he would call, sometimes waking me. He would start the button pushing and get me to argue. My daughter, then 5, was standing next to me and calmly said "Why don't you just hang up the phone?"
I stopped, looked at her in amazement, and said what a great idea, why didn't I think of that? I hung up. Of course, he called right back, just to be a PITA. EVERY time since then, when I feel that urge to fight back or respond, knowing that it will lead to argument, I pause to make a decision - argue or not. Answer = NOT. One time the pause, brief as it was, was enough for him to ask if I was going to respond. By then, I composed myself and replied "No, because if I do, we are going to get into an argument and I don't want to argue." He went ballistic! At that point, I calmly hung up the phone and took it off the wall (that prevented listing to the phone ring!) Stupid as he was, he actually brought the police to the house, upsetting the kids, on the pretext that I was the problem. After he left with the kids, I did ask the officer to stay and asked him why.
Eventually the crap was reduced, but only because I refused to play the game. Even later, when the kids were older, he would try to get my goat, and argue. Nope. Did it still irritate me? Sure. BUT, I did NOT allow his behavior to influence mine. (Adding my kids were 3 and 5 at the time, so I had to deal with this for a long long time! Nipped in the bud, for me anyway - he could continue his crap, but I refused to play the games.)
Leaving the phone on the counter/table, mumbling ummm hmmm a few times, a few "sures", "whatevers", etc, but don't react. It takes effort, sure, but it is SO worth it.
You also need to focus on what's important in your life and resist the urge to anticipate what he might do or plan. What he does, he does and will continue to do. Why waste time and energy on that? Work on tuning him out when you do interface, work on not responding/reacting to what he says, work on not giving him ammo to shoot with.
Use that extra time to hug/take care of the wife (hoping she's better every day!), reaching out/interfacing with the kids. BANISH him and his antics from your head. Nothing you think, do or say will change his behavior (or brother), you can only change your own. Banish thoughts, practice non-committal responses, agree to everything, do nothing!
Your dad raised you. He "installed" those buttons. Getting them uninstalled is a process, not a one off.
The best way I know how is therapy, but that's been discussed here before and it seems to be a non-starter for you. So I'm going to suggest being prepared.
Write up a bunch of notecards. One says "hmmm". One that says "silence". One that says "gotta go"...and some other neutral statements.
Practise in front of a mirror or the camera on your computer. Relax your face and shoulders. Imagine you're on a beach in Florida with a cool adult beverage in your hand. Practise not hearing the provocation in your father's tone and language. Look at a card and read the response. Repeat.
Keep the cards handy for his next call, if you decide to listen.
Putting the phone down on the table and not listening is okay, too. This technique is an alternative.
That's what happened to me too. I had enough. I wanted to spend time with my family and friends. I devoted so much time to my mom and I hated that it was all dumped on me. I did the most and I was appreciated the least.
It got under my skin to hear mom praise my idiot brothers. Like you, I had enough and decided to start living my life differently. I didn't want to have regrets of not spending enough time with my husband and daughters. I gave so much to her. I needed time for me.
Sometimes I look at him and I dunno.
I have had enough now....