Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I've been looking out of the window across our little communal garden this morning. There's been a steady trickle of people turning up with bouquets and gift bags for Mothering Sunday, and leaving them on my neighbours' doorsteps.
So I can't believe that you went to visit your Dad - why did you? Social distancing means staying away from people if you don't have to be in the same room as them. Why didn't you just put the shopping down outside his door?
Hes not going to change, and to be honest, I dont think he cares if he upsets people. He thinks he can do what he wants.
My attitude at the moment is, no I'm not letting you have you're own way any more. Hes still my Dad and I dont want harm to come to him.
I've worked out our relationship is pretty much gone forever. Thats sad but I gave it plenty of chances for years..... Im determined now to get on with my own life and not let him interfere, also, big thing, don't let him make me annoyed.
He can moan and moan all he wants but I'm ignoring him now.
I bought him TONS of food. His freezer is full now. Hes still moaning now!!! Even though I flipping paid for it all......
Honestly, get it into your head its serious.....
Of course, hes playing the "oh I'm so down now because I'm stuck in, you'll have to visit more". No Dad that is not sensible.
Honestly, its so awful that hes even using this to play games.
My wife is having her knee op next week. If it goes ahead who knows. She did toy with cancelling it. She wants to one way or another help out somehow (shes a nurse remember) even if she can just do it sitting down. We'll see after the op or not.
And with the kids off, I'm working from home at the moment (no work no pay) its going to be busy few weeks for us. Dad obviously doesnt care - as usual its me me me.
My father in law became like that too. He basically became very selfish and was very cruel to me. I did as your wife. For my own sanity I had to cut him out of my life.
He will never see what he did. Never apologize to my husband or me. Never, ever, ever! We have accepted it and no longer have a relationship with him. It was too many things for too long.
I am not trying to tell you what to do. Or your wife. And I think we all know that no one can tell your dad or my father in law what to do. My father in law is 96! If he hasn’t changed by now, forget it, right? We stopped trying years ago.
Anyway...my point is my father in law will never think that he was wrong or offensive in any way. They either can’t or won’t admit it. Actually, I just don’t care anymore. After 30 years who cares? He has been awful for that long, but we cut him out of our lives a long time ago. He tried to reconnect with my husband once but it was too late. Sad, but my husband doesn’t want to pull the scab off the wound. He dealt with it in his head and heart and has chosen to live in peace without him.
I would like to tell you that I hope it works out for you and your dad but I don’t think his core personality will change. I wish it would but I doubt it will.
I strongly suggested to my family they start deliveries to prepare if things got tough as it would increase my stress to be running around after three housholds. My Dad immediately got it & moved to delivery - although never even got his first order due to hoarder behaviour/system overload. All cancelled until further notice.
My sister will not consider going at 'community hour' for elders & disabled (as too early), cannot shop herself & as far as I know has not arranged her carers to shop for her in person instead. Things will run out & she has no way to plan or problem solve. These are her cognitive deficits & proof to me she should NOT be living alone. I always thought there would be a crises that set the wheels in motion... had no idea it would look like this. Like the whole world gone mad! Nevertheless, I am working behind the scenes to get done what must be done.
Which is to throw her in a respite or nursing home place asap. Miraculously one is accepting people but she wants some thinking time..
My deadline is tomorrow. If she declines - the next fall will trigger ambulance & mental health act intervention.
Have a plan ready for your stubborn Dad if required. Even if it is - Brother, you take Dad as you are closer & don't have kids - it's only common sense.
Hes either looked at me like I'm alien - WHAT? I'VE DONE NOTHING
or hes apologised a few times. Then 3 days later gone back to exactly the same. EVERY TIME.
He doesn't get why my wife doesn't see him. Hes done nothing as far as hes concerned. So why is she being so unreasonable?
He honestly thinks hes the most easygoing, easiest to deal with, nicest Dad anyone could have. And he think he never asks for much just wants a "little" help and hes so grateful. Yeah right.
Wish I could be better at not letting it affect me and telling him straight....
I'd LOVE to block him and ignore him. I know what would happen though - he would literally call the police and get them to come around. Hes done similar before.
IF I miss one phone call at normal time by an hour hes all "Oh I thought something bad had happened to you!" What? Its just so suffocating to be honest.
Remember the time I was ill with a chest infection. I couldnt speak literally. I told him I'd call him in a day or so but I was staying in bed to rest. He called me literally 50 times next day, then got my brother to facebook me, then to insult me and then my wife because we were "selfish because hes worried about you"
ONE DAY this was and its an emergency because HE WANTED TO KNOW. Its all anxiety with him that he can;t leave it alone. BUT I get it directed towards me.
After all, I'm a healthy 50 odd year old fella I aint dying from a chest infection. My wife was there at home and shes a nurse ! BUT NO he had to know what was going on.
Now imagine blocking his number and how he'd react after 3 days? He would do WHATEVER it takes to get hold of me somehow,
His excuse "BUT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU". Its his justification for "I WANT TO BE IN CONTROL"
I think you have the right attitude. It’s not worth placing a lot of energy into your dad’s life and getting rattled over his foolishness. Not worth it. You have a lovely wife and two children. Enjoy your family.
There is no negotiation with your dad. He’s very stubborn. So, live life for you and your family. Take care, Paul.
Oh, how I wish you could bottle that advice. I was one of the fools that tried to reason with my ‘set in her way’ mom. You are smart to know and accept your mom’s capabilities. I kept thinking it was ‘my’ failure in not communicating properly but in reality it was ‘her’ stubbornness!
Took me FOREVER to figure out that I couldn’t reason with her and I wasn’t even dealing with any form of dementia in her situation. My mom is stubborn like Paul’s dad is.
I truly feel for anyone dealing with dementia. In my opinion that is the biggest challenge.
Parkinson’s is rough, but my mom has all her faculties concerning her mental abilities.
Oh well, I burned out after caregiving in my home for 15 years and I had to surrender my responsibilities, handed the whole situation over to my brother who criticized but didn’t help. Backfired on him and mom.
They drove me away. I couldn’t take anymore. Mom’s doctors always praised my care. That’s what happens when a person is pushed too far though.
Anyway, I so love your approach of acceptance of your situation. You realize the reality of it all. Had I accepted rather than try to reason, I would have saved myself loads of stress that led to high blood pressure and other issues as well.
At least I went to therapy and figured out what direction to go in.
I agree with Polar also. Paul has every right to tell his dad about his behavior which is extremely selfish.
I don’t deny that Paul’s dad may need assistance from time to time, everyone does but he can’t keep relying on Paul for everything. He has to learn to look elsewhere for support. Plus, most times Paul’s dad is crying wolf. It’s sad.
No one minds helping others for legitimate reasons when we are able to do so. I think everyone naturally becomes annoyed if we feel taken advantage of though. People should be as considerate as they can be when asking others for a favor. Some people aren’t considerate at all. They are selfish, only caring about themselves. They don’t incorporate the concept of ‘give and take.’
I second the motion! Maybe add 'If you need help, hire someone! I QUIT!'
I think if that was said to me, I might have been so taken aback that I would be speechless at the time (has only happened once or twice in my life!), but once I recovered, I would light up and tell him like it is (see above), hang up or leave and NOT have ANY contact for WEEKS, if not months.
If you don't call, block his number and pretend you have no dad, you can focus on helping your wife (and kids.) I do hope her surgery goes as planned and works out well. Elective surgery, to me, is something you can wait for, at least for a while. If she is in a lot of pain and unable to get around, I wouldn't consider that "elective."
Best you can hope for is some kind of gov't lock down - THAT would be something I would respond to his requests with, as it isn't my decision. No can do, army would arrest or shoot me. Food can be delivered, everything else is FINE! (click)
Funny, my mother does have dementia, and her hearing is bad, so I just wrote a little note at the end of my last visit saying they will be keeping us out because there is a bad cold going around (she wouldn't likely understand any more than that.) She read it, looked at me and said "I feel fine, I don't have a cold." On that note, see you soon mom, gotta run! Not a NH, but they did lock down, so we can only bring necessities to the door, no visiting.
Oi, what a prick your dad is. Have often asked, can we divorce our families???
I'm glad you're working on NOT getting upset and let his babbling nonsense rolls off your back.
There is another way to handle your dad. How good an actor are you?
Next time, he starts out with his wolf cries, or unreasonable demands or uncalled for comments about your wife or kids, you can laugh and laugh hysterically, and tell him (after catching your breath): "Oh, dad! You're funny. I love your humor. Hahaha. Have a good day. I'll talk to you later/next week." Then hang up. That'll throw him for a loop and he won't know what to do with your compliment.
Trouble is he will not give in EVER. Hes like terminator. If one plan doesnt work he moves to the next - he MUST get me to do it somehow.
EVERY phone call I dont want to make now because it ends up the same way. Dad trying a guilt trip, Dad making a stupid comment, Dad talking badly about my wife, Dad making out hes the illest person int he world.
Anyway... I think just live your life & let him live his. Support your wife with her op, enjoy your kids, they may need extra help to natigate this new world we find ourselves in 😔
His world touches your world, what, every 2nd Sunday for a visit? And a phone call here & there? He can live in his fantasy world where he is Master & you are his servant - it's just his fantasy.
In all honesty, hes fine. He can look after himself no problem. He can cook, wash himself, dress etc. Yes his mobility is limited (apart from when he needs to go to the betting shop!) but hes pretty good for his age.
Its all in his head of course....
Oh thats really annoyed me though. How dare he try to tell me what to do with regards to my wife? Honestly can't believe today that he actually said that.
Thing is so obvious what he does now. Moans for weeks that I dont come to visit every sunday, tries a few guilt trips, doesnt work, then uses something else to try and get his own way.
Yeh I wish I could tell him that - I dont think he'd care about the risks...
Its a tough one. She was REALLY disappointed she couldnt work because she wanted to help but, in reality, she can only just about walk and driving is not great. There is no way she can work to be honest. Best option seemed to be to get the op sorted if possible...
Same here. Our doctors are saying elective surgeries or non emergency surgeries should not be a priority at this time.
Here we are expected to self quarantine after 60. I am 64. My husband is 65. No telling how long it will last. Day by day changes going on now. More and more restrictions.
So as she won't be off work, and given that as a frontline health care professional she has high exposure, and she is a member of your household - sorry, it's out of the question. You won't be seeing him for months.
I saw on the news where Harrah’s casino here closed. Our neighbors in the Mississippi are shutting down their casinos on the coast. Wonder if your dad’s betting shops will close.
"Yes Dad, someone DOES need to take care of you.
That person is YOU.
And if you can't look after yourself then you need to move into a HOME.
You need to move into a HOME".
Repeat repeat repeat.
There really is no need to explain your life, family or work to him anymore. He has no empathy. Whether cognitive decline, TIAs or personality - same result. Selfish. Maybe he can help it - maybe he can't. But the end result is the same.
"Dad, start looking for an old people's home, sign the papers & arrange to move yourself in.
I will come & visit you THERE".
Your dad’s response caught you off guard. I get that. It’s one of those things where you can’t believe someone would even think such a thing, let alone speak it out loud.
You know what though? He doesn’t think. Absolutely no filter. He just blurts out anything and expects you to take it. Don’t fall for it. Let him whine to someone else.
Paul - seems you are trained to not talk back to your dad no matter how unreasonable, or how wrong he is. IT IS TIME TO CHANGE.
I'm not talking about you explaining to him why you can't do what he asks. I'm talking about you telling him straight up what a selfish a-hole he is, and that he can take his demands and shove them where the sun doesn't shine.
He makes me mad.
That is awful. He is speaking about your wife! Unreal, truly selfish of him to expect you to neglect your wife. Wow...
You know that your family comes first. Let him call your brother.
He said on the phone, "Oh you'll HAVE to visit at least once a week now because this is getting worse, someone needs to look after me". As I've said before, he does not need looking after, and I can't even remember the last time he got his own groceries/shopping. Whats changed? Again hes using this crisis for his own ends....
He then started asking me about my wife and how her knee is. I got suspicious and said yes shes having an operation next week. I could not believe what he said then....
He said "Oh I suppose she'll expect you to ferry her around in the car afterwards then?", "I'd expect her to cancel this because you've got me to look after, can't she wait a few months?"
Just WOW. I just didn't know what to say. This is a low even for him.....
Kids are still in school yes. Not sure for how much longer though.
Beatty - I'd have to see the test results before I believed Dad to be honest. Hes lied pretty much constantly last few years.
If he genuinely had it, he probably wouldn't tell anyone in case it meant we couldn't visit though - he would not give a monkeys about passing it to someone else.
My sister is sort of opposite. Says "It's fine" & maybe it is (for now) but with zero ability to plan ahead, the calls will start to come once her groceries/meds run out & carers don't arrive.
Give us all strength.