Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
"Hes lucky he doesn't live in the area my wife works. She very often discharges patients back to the surgery for things like this. "
"... was upset because shes now got to drive 1/2 a mile to the GP surgery instead."
Here in the states, surgergy is an operation where the surgeon cuts you up and fixes something inside you. I don't think it means that where you are.
Fair point but its doing no good in the bank. Like I said, in the past, hes refused to spend money to help himself have an easier life. Got him a disability grant for stairlift but he had to pay a few £100 so didnt want to do it. (Ironically, if he'd had less in savings he'd have had to pay ZERO).
My wife tells me some stories. Her worse one was when a family member snatched the notes out of her hand because she was writing that "x was doing the hoovering when I arrived". Obviously, legit medical notes but the family obviously had a reason for not wanting this written.
My wife is merciless (as she should be - they cant cope with genuine patients). Not all are like that. Some just cant be bothered with the grief which is wrong....
It can't be a coincidence - I've met two ladies in the same street, with the same kind of house, who must be asset-rich cash-poor I think. One got very anxious about how many flannels we were putting in the laundry. The other didn't want me to turn on her bedroom light because the sun was coming up (so it was. Just about!).
They certainly are of a generation who dread the thought of not being able to pay a household bill.
Then there is another whole set of people who bitterly resent being asked to contribute to care costs when the care is required because of dementia. Dementia is mental ill-health. Ill health is treated by the NHS. The NHS is free at the point of delivery...
Groan.
a) I am not going to solve this interdisciplinary conundrum single-handed in 45 minutes on a Monday morning.
b) I am part of a transitional health-to-social care service which IS free of charge and is designed to eliminate or minimise the need for ongoing health and social care inputs.
c) Much as I sympathise, and while I understand the principles at stake: some of such families are living in extremely nice houses with 2-4 more bedrooms than they can ever use in an idyllic location which, moreover, requires their humble servants (us) to undertake a forty mile round trip so that they can continue to live where and how they want, be it never so impractical and unsustainable. And they're complaining to us?
I like your wife's shopping bag lady! Talk about trying it on :)
I personally love it when you catch them scampering back upstairs - I take the care plan up to them and read aloud from it: "Mr Smith will be in bed. Please support him to sit to stand, then walk using frame to the bathroom..." Then I look over the top of my glasses at them and smile enquiringly.
"Oh well you were so late I was desperate for a cup of tea I didn't think you were coming..."
She didn’t want her husband to put money in the collection basket in Mass! He told her that he was blessed so he was going to give back. She got mad.
Last time, I bunged the normal tip (its more like 10-15% here in uk) on credit card bill and he went on for HOURS how I had "more money than sense".
My husband’s grandma was very cheap with her money. Other people could spend money on her but she never wanted to spend money. Her husband, may he Rest In Peace was an angel. He was so good to her and believe me she didn’t deserve his kindness.
She treated everyone horribly. One time she told her housekeeper that she would give her a dollar raise. Well, the housekeeper thought she meant a dollar an hour more in pay. She gave the woman one single dollar just for that week! This woman worked for her three times a week from early morning to late afternoon! She had to polish the silver and wash the crystal every week. She was not nice to her at all. She stood over her told her how to do her job. She was awful.
Well when she died I was asked if I wanted one of her many fur coats. They were in fashion then. I hate furs. So I asked her maid if she wanted a fur coat. She did. She had always admired the furs. Every year my husband’s grandparents went on a shopping trip to New York to buy special things.
My husband’s grandmother would have never wanted her housekeeper to be walking around in one of her fur coats! That made it extra special to me to give it to her.
She would pick out a $10,000 watch for her husband to buy for her but would ask for a senior citizen discount to buy a hamburger! Made no sense!
Don't get me started on how he asks them to come at 9am. Then gives them a telling off when they don't arrive until 11am. All because he "wants to go out to play bowls".
As you know, my wife is DN. I know how busy she is - its impossible to agree to times like this. I've also told him many times that, the DN service is for housebound patients only and berating the nurse because you want to go out is not really on. Doesn't care.
Hes lucky he doesn't live in the area my wife works. She very often discharges patients back to the surgery for things like this. After all, they've not got enough resources to deal with genuine patients let alone patients like my Dad for whom its a convenience.
Last week, she watched as her patient drove up in the car as she waited outside, carried 6 bags of shopping up stairs to her 2nd floor flat. Then was upset because shes now got to drive 1/2 a mile to the GP surgery instead.
Yes, they can embellish a story to no end! I guess he could never become a vegetarian or even stricter a vegan.
Sometimes they even insult further by saying, “little girl.” Okay, I admit I am small. I have been all my life so I get called ‘little girl.’
I have silver hair and in my 60’s and I am called that by some older people! Hahaha
Anyway, he couldnt basically chew meat. Not the end of the world of course. He swore blind he could feel himself getting weaker because he "wasnt get the vitamins and goodness he needed from meat".
I pointed out that generally millions of vegetarians all over the world didnt keel over in the street!
All three of us - client included, bless him - gave her the fish-eye.
Carer, love, nurse, girl, lady, home-help, oi you, or, in one case, doctor (?!?): I don't mind what the clients call me, within reason. But I do expect professionals at least to try to use the right job title. Or even just ANY job title would be better than that. For a start, at least five of my peers are men.
Also, he'd never see a woman doctor either. He thinks women are disorganised, and "never get things right".
No interest at all.
Only time he ever takes notice is when he pushes it too far and I explode. He backs off very quickly then. BUT, I've worked out its only because he knows he might lose his "resource". A week later hes back to doing exactly the same.
He knows what I've got on. I've tried to explain to him about my teenager with Aspergers and how he needs us to spend time with him. He does not care. Hes said before "Didn't have that in my day - just give him a slap across the head to behave himself"
Bottom line with Dad is "I'm old, need some help, so you and you're brother have to help me. Anything else you need to make arrangements and you're families need to understand".
It’s weird. The head nurse at the nursing home where my mom did rehab was a man. She always called him “the doctor.” I had to correct her. If a female doctor went to see her she assumed it was “a nurse.”
Her regular doctor was female because the male doctor she had retired.
I know some men that refuse to see female doctors. Just crazy thinking.
Also, he'll never go into a home because you've got to pay. And he has no idea of costs and refuses to spend any money.
Of course, yes I cook, do the laundry, childcare etc. Like most men. I remember the one time we did agree to do Dads laundry - I did it and told him. He looked at me as if I was crazy!
Oh all the District Nurses who come to see him are "girls". In other words, menial workers there to serve his needs. Really. To him only "girls" could be nurses because its a womans job. Its not a proper job that a man would do. I hope one day he gets a man!
And don't me started on his views of the roles in a marriage. Its a bit scary. Hes said a few times I need to "sort my wife out and make sure she knows whos boss". Just wow.
That’s what is best. Tune them out. I become exasperated if I am speaking to an irrational person. Most times it isn’t even worth talking to them. They will not listen. They will purposely provoke. They usually don’t have all the facts. They frequently make up stories. They usually don’t admit if they are wrong. They accuse others constantly. So as I said, why bother? I don’t need their approval. I know who I am and not interested in proving myself to anyone who is behaving foolishly.
My husband’s grandmother was like that. She drove everyone in the family crazy. Before too long we all ignored her foolishness.
One time she told me that her ‘hair’ hurt. So, I said, “Your hair can’t hurt.” Do you mean your scalp?” She insisted it was her hair! I excused myself and walked away.
Another time we played a joke on her. We each took turns telling her that the house was on fire. We said it louder and with more emotion each time. Do you know what she said to each of us? “That’s nice.” Then she proceeded with her ridiculous complaints about this or that. That was proof that she didn’t listen to anyone!
Another time she lied to people and told them that her daughter did not have cancer, that she was pretending she had cancer to get attention. How can someone pretend to go bald? My mother in law lost all of her hair with chemo treatments for non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. That made me angry that she did that to her daughter while going through cancer treatment.
Some people are just plain crazy and hateful. Yes, best to tune them out for our own sanity, right? Plus they don’t deserve any credence for their actions. Everyone learned sooner or later that she was off balance.
Excellent point! I agree. The story changes according to his needs. The irony is that Paul’s wife is a nurse. Interesting, huh?
Paul's Dad talks for effect. It's just noise, it's not a real opinion.
Some people are old fashioned and don’t feel women should work at a paying job. I don’t care if a woman doesn’t work outside of the home but people should not care if women do work outside of the house, especially now in today’s world.
I had people, both men and women tell me in the past, “Why are you working? You’re married.” It shocked me to hear that. I find it strange. I can’t imagine telling someone that. I used to answer by saying that I want to work and life is expensive! I hated when I had to quit working to take care of my mom.
Paul’s dad is very out of touch about his wife working but as Paul says, his dad feels like a woman should not work outside of the home. Very old fashioned thinking.
When you've pointed out you live xx KMs away, you work, your wife works, you have children to raise etc has he ever said anything like "I didn't realise it is hard for you too" or "I'm just not sure what else to do?"
Just wondering what insight he has?
My Sister really had no idea how hard it was doing all & sundry for her. When I started saying no she even said, well if YOU can't do it, I don't care but I just need someone to! What appeared as selfishness was actually 'lack of insight'. Due to cognitive impairment she had no idea of the problem, let alone the planning skills to find solutions.
Is this like this at all or not?
"...when he TELLS me "you've got to put me first...""
You: Dad, I do what I can for you, but my priority is my family. My wife and children, they come first.
"your family will have to understand"
You: Dad, I do what I can for you, but my priority is my family. My wife and children, they come first.
"Well, I'm old and need your help and that's the end of it"
You: Dad, I do what I can for you, but my priority is my family. My wife and children, they come first.
Rinse. Repeat.
Say that line as a fact. He will reject it, but it doesn't change the fact. You don't argue with him about a fact, you just state it and restate it.
How he handles that fact is his business. You stick to your fact.
You are one hundred percent correct. There is a difference between needs and wants. I know that you aren’t heartless. You have proven that. His actions are selfish. Your family comes first. You deserve to be with your family. Your dad could do laundry and have food delivered. He chooses not to.
Do not unblock your phone either. You don’t need the stress. I get it. Like you continue to say, your dad won’t change his behavior. Neither will your brother or sister in law.
My husband does laundry. He cooks too! We share responsibilities in regards to our home. He was an involved father to my daughters when they were growing up like you are with your children. My girls are grown and out of the house now. Fathers should help in raising children.
I am sure that your heart is in the right place concerning Paul’s dad but there comes a point where letting go is the only answer. Paul can’t babysit his dad all his life. God knows, it nearly destroyed me caring for my mom as long as I did. It simply isn’t healthy to live our entire lives for our parents.
God forbid that something awful will happen but if it does it would not be Paul’s fault. He gave him fair warnings a million times. He has made suggestions and recommendations to him many times over. So there really isn’t any reason to feel guilty.
Of course, Paul would feel badly if something awful happened but sometimes it takes that for someone to make needed changes in their lives. Enabling doesn’t work.
My uncle lived to be 96. He had five children. Three of the children took turns caring for him. They all had jobs and families. It became too much and they asked him to go into a facility. He refused.
My uncle lived in the same big two story home that he raised his family in with my aunt. She died many years ago. He was all alone in that big house. He could no longer go up the stairs. He lived in the basement!
He lived in New Jersey and loved the ocean but couldn’t do anything like he used to. He had Parkinson’s disease like my mom. He was falling all of the time.
He couldn’t take care of himself any longer. Sad because he was a proud man, a man who was in WW11, Korea and Vietnam. He loved his church and volunteered until his late 80’s. He was very active in his life but at some point some people can no longer participate in their usual activities.
Well, my uncle got an UTI, became septic, almost died! His daughter said, “Dad, you need help.” He agreed that he needed help and said, “I need help 24/7. I will hire someone.” His daughter’s response was, “Dad, that’s a nursing home. You can’t afford to hire someone to help 24/7. I will find a nursing home for you.” She did!
Reluctantly, he went because he had no other choice. Had she babied him, he wouldn’t have gone.
Some people still won’t go after close calls and ER trips to the hospital and that is so very sad but it is never the children’s fault and as sad as it is they should not feel guilty or alter their lives any further. Paul has his own family to care for.
I have been mulling over Paul's situation for a bit & having a good think.. Having had somewhat similar situation - the outcome is still a work in progress but mentally I have arrived at a whole new place... Floating along in peace 😊. Two years ago that was only a dream.
I can confirm turning the dream into a goal & getting there can be done ☺️🙏
I am working on getting that into type. I know our help online is limited & face to face councelling is sometimes the answer... but I will try. Be back later.
I've always said parents need to do what they can to help themselves. Its impossible to ask kids to do it. Unfortunately, Dad isnt, never has, and never will be interested in helping himself.
Hes done it all his life looking back now. If there was an "easy" way which meant someone else doing it, he'd go for it. After all, what man in perfect health living alone decides hes not going to use a washing machine because its "womans work"?
Totally agree. I would do anything Dad NEEDS. Trouble is its mostly WANTS. He wants me to let my kids down on a Saturday am because he WANTS me to drive 30 miles to walk down the betting shop for him. He WANTS me to do his grocery shopping because he can spend £20 instead of the £30 minimum for home delivery. See what I mean here?
Trouble is I don't think he'll ever change. He'll just get unhappier and unhappier that things aren't going how he sees them going.
Brother and SIL are blocked. If I unblocked them and said emergencies only they would not respect that. Been there....