Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Her address & name are known & notes on file as a frequent faller - some flag must have popped up as Ambulance service rep called her NOK to strongly suggest she have a medical checkup & OT falls assessment done.
2 X visits ago the Ambos told her non-emergency vehicles would be dispatched to her in future. So there must be a 2nd tier service to handle all the "I'm so sick... " peoole.
She's currently not concerned. After lying on the cold floor for an extended time in winter she might!
I remember watching TV programme about ambulance in london. Some woman had made like 5 calls a day for months and months. She had mental issues. But they knew all about her.
Of course, if you deliberately make calls for hoax purposes you will get in trouble.
Another problem is its not that joined up. Both ambulance service and GP have had issues with him but I'll bet no-one has spoken to the other. In fact, that one time senior partner at GP told him no, a few weeks later he got a different GP (same practice) to come out and give him antibiotics (nothing wrong).
My own wife is a District Nurse. She said its rife GPs come out, give elderly patients anti-biotics half the time to keep them happy and stop them moaning. Of course, people dont think of the cost because its all free to them (but certainly not free for the NHS which everyones taxes pay for).
Well, last time he called the GP he asked them to come out AGAIN. Bear in mind he lives literally 400 yards from the surgery.
I've told him time and time again just get a cab it'll be a lot easier. BUT like a lot of his generation his attitude is "I paid my taxes all my life". Of course NHS is free in the UK (but I'm sure I read somewhere that 1 home visit takes up the time of 8 surgery consults so its not great).
Anyway, last time, one of the senior partners called him back, asked him a few questions, and basically said, that, like they told him last time, there was nothing more they could do and he did not need a visit. He was not happy but is oblivious to the fact that hes abused the system.
Ambulances. First few times they took him to hospital. Checked him over - sent him home within hours. Then they sent a paramedic on his own. Last one pretty much said "you do not need to go to hospital". Last time they phoned him then sent an ambulance 15 hours later (the next day)..... Yes hes on a list I think.
District Nurse. For housebound patients only (not lazy ones who can't be bothered) He need his blood checked for warfarin. My own wife is a DN and says he really should not be entitled to a home visit. Does Dad care? Nope.
Several times hes moaned to the DN that they didn't get here when he wanted and now he can't go out for lunch with his friends. I've told him, you cant specify a time (I know how busy my wife is!) and you can;t admit to going out because they'll take you off the list. Hes been taken off the list about FIVE times. BUT, each time the Doctors surgery put him back on when he moans hes too ill....
Problem is he won't listen to me. He won't do anything for himself if he can scam someone into doing it for him. Also, no-one in the medical profession is strict enough to tell him to quit what hes doing. I'v given up now....
If I get a "chest pain" call I don't rush over. I tell him to call 999. I'm at least 30 mins away anyway. He never does call them and suddenly hes fine.
As I've said many times, and its quite funny to be honest, I'm going to find him dead in his chair one day and everyone is going to say "Oops he was ill this time".
What does your dad say about them not coming out due to his crying wolf? Does he realize what he has done or is he completely oblivious to it? That puts him in a tough spot if he had a real emergency.
Had it all. Made up chest pains. Multiple ambulances. 100s of GP callouts.
GP now won't come out. Ambulances I'm sure hes on a list somewhere.
I just don't have the energy to put up with his little digs to be honest. Its constant. He implies I am awful for not visiting him because hes "so ill".
Like Im sure I've said before I've made my peace with the fact that I can;'t help. I'm not a doctor. It really hit home, as I'm sure I mentioned, that he take 1/2 dose of his painkillers (contrary to GP advice) because he believe his stupid friend (rather than the GP) who said "oooh you're going to get addicted to them I saw a programme on TV). Can't be that bad then!!!!!
Spookily, last night he didn't even mention his knees. He does this - calms down then goes back to normal.
Although he probably has cried wolf that many times!
Good job, Paul. Yes, you did it right. Get off the phone when he starts his act. Without an audience, he can't perform.
Remember to do the same next time and every time.
He was not happy. Went from normal to waify croaky voice ("but I've been so ill"). then it was "oh no oh no, oh dear, oh dear". I'll be honest it was the type of reaction you get if someone had died. I though sod this and said "got to go speak soon".
Wife was OK. I don't tell Dad the truth enough. I do let her down sometimes because I've got the courage to tell Dad "NO".
Hes yet to mention "so surprised you're wife didn't call me to thank me for the card and money?". He will. Its just another way to have a dig at her.....
I'll be honest, wife wants nothing to do with him. Fair enough. Up to her. Hes done plenty to deserve this to be honest. And, end of the day, hes my Dad not hers so she has ZERO she owes him in my book.
In fact, I'd be scared if they ever did meet ever again. Dad is so inappropriate, ignorant and downright rude these days that I KNOW with minutes she'd have lost it with him!
Happy birthday to your wife. She has a very nice guy for a husband. :D
That reminds me of something. My MIL gave us a lot of nice furniture when we moved into our first home. I made a comment to my husband that his mom gave us nice things. He said, "Of course, she only gave you the best, starting with me." Haha....
Hope your wife had a lovely birthday!
For birthdays in my lot, once we had left home it was a simple phone call on the day. Those that live near will have a arvo tea or call in the next weekend. No stress if people have other plans, sometimes moves to next weekend.
But DH's side are super into celebrating birthdays & all holidays. Not all sibs have partners or in-laws to consider so it's still all original family which as a DIL feels too much at times. DH always wants to keep all happy & we often compromise - within reason. DH has had to put his foot down many a time when they assumed he would fit into their plans (over plans with me & his own kids) for his own birthday & even father's Day! (They prioritised celebrating for his dec'd Father over DH celebrating with HIS own children!). I mean, come on!!!
As the DIL I can tell you when this happened to fall on MY birthday one year & they STILL thought it better to put my FIL first (who I dearly loved & miss) things got rocky. DH still was trying to please all & his sisters asked why I didn't mind moving my dinner to an other night? *Like your Dad - he thinks HE comes first*. A light globe must have gone on for DH & he replied his wife's birthday came first, then his own Father's Day, then his Dad's. Fwew! Little does he know what test our marriage was under right then! Others may say I was selfish for putting myself over his family but I saw it as still being overconnected, smothered, controlled & kept in his childhood - but he chose his own brood that day.
Just calmly state what you are doing - leave no room for his arguments. "Hey Dad it's wife's b-day Sunday so I am taking her out. I'll visit you next week instead".
Aways remember HIS unhappiness is HIS to own. He could choose to be like my Dad - wish a happy b'day & say I'll enjoy seeing you on the next visit. My FIL too -gracious.
(goes without saying at this point - easier to just type 'SSDD')
1001 - dalmations???
Wifes birthday Sunday - she wants to go out. Dad is "expecting" a set in stone visit. Doesnt need anything.
Hes not going to be happy.
He's "old school" and that's how we all did it 'back in the day'.
I don’t blame your wife. You are right to say that he should just let her be. She deserves to be at peace. So do you. Enjoy your wife’s birthday with her.
Can guarantee he'll send her a card with £10 in. Then it'll be a case "well she didn't phone me to thank me for the money". That works for him - hes happy to spend the money to get someone to do this.
Sounds ungrateful but shes not going to ring him. Too much has happened and hes just trying to assert control again.
It’s because they don’t value what is important. Some people always want to take the easy way out. My husband and I went to school to obtain an education and worked hard for what we have. No one handed anything to us. We didn’t ask for anything. My brothers always asked for money. My parents freely gave it to them. So they don’t have a true appreciation of anything because they didn’t earn anything on their own.
I give to good causes. We are not selfish. Sometimes people need help getting over a hump and I have empathy for them. When people take others for granted and expect handouts, then I do have a problem with it.
Some elderly have a special talent for rewriting history, right?
As for getting something out of things, once when I was first married my brother and his wife pretended to be coming over for a visit. I immediately knew their visit wasn’t a social call because he they never did that.
Nevertheless, I put on a pot of coffee and set out some dessert for us to enjoy. It didn’t take long for my brother to ask for money. When we told him that we could not give him any money he and his wife promptly left before the coffee was finished brewing.
As they were leaving I asked them to please stay for coffee and dessert and they declined. Obviously, all they wanted was cash and didn’t care about spending time with us.
Yeh right. He sharp as a knife and amazes me how clever some of his tricks are sometimes!
Last few years I have begun to notice that 99% of what he does is so he can get something out of the deal. Really its eye-opening. And he does devote 100% of his energy to it (which I've realised is why he doesn't bother with my kids - got no time hes too busy getting me to do things). Its just crazy.
I'll be honest, I can't even remember the last time Dad did or said something nice without there being something in it for him.
His latest for example. "I'm going to start giving away my money now rather than when I die". Won't happen. Hes said this about 20 times. He'll give me £100 or something and he knows I can't really say no because this is the start of the big "inheritance giveaway". Then that'll be it but its hanging there like a bribe....
You are one step ahead by knowing how he is. He won’t change because he is completely irrational. You deserve a life with your family.
Your words are so true. The fact remains that it is completely futile to try to respond to irrational and selfish people. All that happens is by having a conversation with them is that they will use and twist whatever is said as ammunition to use against the other person who becomes their target.