Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
1. They let him down ALL the time. This doesn't work with Dad. He just gets used to things.
2. They mollycoddle him. He can do things but hes lazy. Of course, SIL does things for him then he expects others (ME!) to do the same.
3. Do you remember the Benefits incident? They told Dad they were going to claim Carers Allowance and she was going to be his carer. Dad was all over that one! So was she until she found out it was £72 a week and she was obliged to do 35 hours a week. Dropped that one and upset Dad. Never forget that one.
4. Brother expects things to be equal. His wife visits Dad in the week so my wife should to. And he gets nasty with it.
He will adjust to two weeks.
I am glad that your brother and his wife are pitching in to help your dad.
How does your daughter do in ice skating? Oh gosh, years ago I tried ice skating with my daughter on vacation. I nearly killed myself! LOL. I was horrible at it! My child caught on quickly.
Yep! We are not far from Florida. My daddy grew up in Florida, near Panama City Beach. He met my mom when he was stationed in New Orleans during his military days.
I love Florida too! I went to Florida every summer growing up.
Well our NFL team (New Orleans Saints) lost the big game to Minnesota Vikings. Boo hoo 😢. Win some, lose some.
Louisiana really wants to win the game against South Carolina. They both have Tiger mascots. So it’s Tigers against Tigers! May the best Tigers won!
My daughter isn’t going to the game. Even student tickets cost $400. Other tickets are going for several thousand! We will be watching it on television.
Brother lives closer and can be more available; don't you consider it a GOOD thing that SIL is available and can help?
Why do you sound resentful? Some people LIKE being helpful to elders, especially the ones who haven't been awful to them.
In my view, family help doesnt have to be equal; it needs to be based on distance and other responsibilities as well.
You live at a distance, have an ill wife, a special needs child and another who is very young.
Just because your DAD is not thoughtful or insightful enough to realize that is no cause for you to feel that you haven't done your share. Look at all the in-home modifications you facilitated for dad!
Stepping back a bit is a good thing. Enjoy your weekends that you are "off".
By 1030 its all done. My 6 year old generally is not in the mood to trek around the supermarket getting his groceries, driving there 30 mins then sitting there for an hour while he totally ignores her..
Louisiana - not far from my favourite place Florida lol.
NFL is a little popular here. Its on TV. College football not so much... I've got a Florida Seminoles t-shirt (cos I liked the colour lol)
He plays bowls (or meets his friends there) twice a week. Hes invited MANY places he chose not to go.
Kids grow up so fast. Cherish every minute with your young daughter. I can’t believe that my youngest daughter is graduating this May from Louisiana State University. Geaux Tigers! I really hope they win the National Championship football game tonight! Players and fans are so hyped for this game.
I finally mentioned 'a bit of stress about my family' to my GP (Dr #1). Was nervous but SO glad I did. He said warn, advice & keep advising. May need 6 or so chats to get AL on the table.
Ha! I have literally exhausted myself having chats about AL.... that GP has since retired...
Told my new GP (Dr #2). Said keep advising. Then stop helping. Just float along. (I could NOT float along so took up the councelling offer).
Had councelling (Dr #3). Warn, advise them, step back. Let them live their choices. Get own life back. (Still in progress).
Manipulated my way in to see sister's GP (Dr #4). Said warn, advise, let her decide. Wait for crises/hospital visit. Ask social worker to assess living situation. Noted file.
So I reckon it's worth speaking up. Tell your own GP for support for you. But also talk your way in to see Dad's GP. They can listen to you even if they can't discuss. I promise they have met stubborn elders before! When you next take Dad - you follow him in & inform the Doc you have some concerns. That it's getting so hard for him - you are worried he's lonely - that he declines non-family help. Oh yes! Dad will chew you up on the drive home but tell him it's because you care.
Dob him in (as we say here).
If you are limiting visits to one a week, he really IS going to get lonely. Keep putting the local Assisted Living options in his face to see if they have more going for him, if he can’t now pull the strings. Perhaps that's the only outing you are willing to do. You might even get a good outcome for both of you!
Happy Friday (at least for those who still have to work a regular job - TGIF.)
Edit: That segment was partially cut - for those who want the full treatment, try this one (I was disappointed that the abuse part was missing!):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpAvcGcEc0k
This one actually has more than I had heard before (I think I only ever heard the audio, no video, way back in the day.)
Well, you know what item to buy him for his birthday! A new razor.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to bring your daughter to see him. There is no point of making her miserable.
I’m sure she will be happy spending her time with you. I loved spending time with my dad when I was a little girl.
You are onto his excuses about wanting to see you. You know it isn’t an emergency so there isn’t a valid reason to go see him. As you said, you are going to be busy and he will have to accept it. Don’t answer any of his calls and enjoy your Sunday with your daughter.
Hes done his usual "so I might see you sunday, I've been stuck in all week". Hes trying really hard to get visits up to a minimum of once a week at the moment. "No Dad I'm busy". He wasn't happy.
Next tactic was "but I've had this letter you need to look at". Does this one ALL the time. It might be headed "Payout of dividends from your Santander shares" and he'll ask me what it is and I'll say "Its telling you about the payout of Dividends from your Santander shares" and he'll say "Ah OK". Got to laugh.,,, :--)
I am busy this weekend. Wife is working sunday so I have daughter. Its not fair to take her to his house where shes not really wanted, shes bored, and its a bit of a health hazard too to be honest!
My Dad LOVES that SO much. He has been for years, every so often saying "no it isn't" to Mum when she states something as fact. Mostly she doesn't hear or understand, but just sometimes you get a sort of eye roll.
Your dad would do very well as the man who "gives" the argument in Monty Python:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohDB5gbtaEQ
If you see yourself in either role, take note and change yourself!
On a different note:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It has to want to change itself...
I totally agree with not giving excuses. It is opening the door to either a debate or an argument.
I know what your going through. It is harder to deal with than most people know.
https://youtu.be/a6WiZ2bOkho
https://youtu.be/GgfehV-s8XQ
https://youtu.be/Jkw9Uqz85_k
https://youtu.be/_vgQ11mGsNA
I realize that. Still cheap though.
Yeah, $40 would be cheap! In the US there are programs for low income families and prices are adjusted. But the average session for the person who could afford it is higher. Depending on one’s insurance policy the price varies as well.
Paul, your father is at his most comfortable struggling on at home and complaining about it and blaming whoever comes to mind first. He has lots of options but they all require him to do something.
You are at your most comfortable feeling oppressed by your father's demands and complaining about it, and the lack of help, and the terrible services, and blaming him. You too have lots of options but they would all require you to do something.
As long as you ARE comfortable, in an 'at least you know where you are' way, I consider this nobody's business but your own.
If you're not comfortable and you would like to change how you cope with your father and still avoid being unkind to him, take a short course of CBT sessions. Are you aware of how long you've been on this forum? - six months is nothing, really, is it. (Mind you, it's more like eight and upwards, in reality. But still.)
I needed help in this area. After that, it seems to fall into place. Not always smoothly. There will always be bumps in the road. The trick is learning to cope instead of cave.
Get on the list, Paul. CBT is EXACTLY what is needed here. Not talking about your childhood. Changing the way your brain reacts to your dad.
Thats just it - he has no real "needs". If Social Services came to see him tomorrow they'd say "Wow hes doing fine - he can cook, use the bathroom, wash, get to bed, etc etc".
As I've said before, my Mrs is a District Nurse. Some of the old people she sees really struggle at home its so sad....
To get counselling for myself? Never going to happen. I know for a fact that the wait list for CBT counselling is 6 months+. For anything else, no chance - pay yourself.
Not sure if I'd be able to find someone to deal with this.
I know most of you guys are in the US. Its not as prevalent in the UK. Yes it exists but its not as common to be honest. And of course, its not cheap.
£40 a session is approx average I think.