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Barb - thats the thing. Good that my brother and his wife have time to visit. BUT there are a few problems.

1. They let him down ALL the time. This doesn't work with Dad. He just gets used to things.

2. They mollycoddle him. He can do things but hes lazy. Of course, SIL does things for him then he expects others (ME!) to do the same.

3. Do you remember the Benefits incident? They told Dad they were going to claim Carers Allowance and she was going to be his carer. Dad was all over that one! So was she until she found out it was £72 a week and she was obliged to do 35 hours a week. Dropped that one and upset Dad. Never forget that one.

4. Brother expects things to be equal. His wife visits Dad in the week so my wife should to. And he gets nasty with it.
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Paul,

He will adjust to two weeks.
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Every two weeks - BRILLIANT. You will start to breathe again :)
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Paul,

I am glad that your brother and his wife are pitching in to help your dad.

How does your daughter do in ice skating? Oh gosh, years ago I tried ice skating with my daughter on vacation. I nearly killed myself! LOL. I was horrible at it! My child caught on quickly.

Yep! We are not far from Florida. My daddy grew up in Florida, near Panama City Beach. He met my mom when he was stationed in New Orleans during his military days.

I love Florida too! I went to Florida every summer growing up.

Well our NFL team (New Orleans Saints) lost the big game to Minnesota Vikings. Boo hoo 😢. Win some, lose some.

Louisiana really wants to win the game against South Carolina. They both have Tiger mascots. So it’s Tigers against Tigers! May the best Tigers won!

My daughter isn’t going to the game. Even student tickets cost $400. Other tickets are going for several thousand! We will be watching it on television.
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Paul, once evry two weeks sounds great!

Brother lives closer and can be more available; don't you consider it a GOOD thing that SIL is available and can help?

Why do you sound resentful? Some people LIKE being helpful to elders, especially the ones who haven't been awful to them.

In my view, family help doesnt have to be equal; it needs to be based on distance and other responsibilities as well.

You live at a distance, have an ill wife, a special needs child and another who is very young.

Just because your DAD is not thoughtful or insightful enough to realize that is no cause for you to feel that you haven't done your share. Look at all the in-home modifications you facilitated for dad!

Stepping back a bit is a good thing. Enjoy your weekends that you are "off".
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NeedHelp - yeh sundays Im down the ice rink (30 mins drive away) at 715am every week for ice skating lessons/gala training etc.

By 1030 its all done. My 6 year old generally is not in the mood to trek around the supermarket getting his groceries, driving there 30 mins then sitting there for an hour while he totally ignores her..

Louisiana - not far from my favourite place Florida lol.

NFL is a little popular here. Its on TV. College football not so much... I've got a Florida Seminoles t-shirt (cos I liked the colour lol)
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Margaret - Once a fortnight now. Brother visit most Saturdays and his wife (Florence nightingale) goes up there once or twice in the week.

He plays bowls (or meets his friends there) twice a week. Hes invited MANY places he chose not to go.
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Fantastic, Paul! Glad you aren’t feeling guilty about not doing everything that your dad requests. No need to cater to all of his wishes. You’re a good husband and father to put your wife and children first.

Kids grow up so fast. Cherish every minute with your young daughter. I can’t believe that my youngest daughter is graduating this May from Louisiana State University. Geaux Tigers! I really hope they win the National Championship football game tonight! Players and fans are so hyped for this game.
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NeedHelp - Wife working this Sunday. Didn't visit Dad. Not doing it any more. Its boring for her - he could not give a monkeys that she visits.
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Re going to the Doctor's... if this helps..

I finally mentioned 'a bit of stress about my family' to my GP (Dr #1). Was nervous but SO glad I did. He said warn, advice & keep advising. May need 6 or so chats to get AL on the table.

Ha! I have literally exhausted myself having chats about AL.... that GP has since retired...

Told my new GP (Dr #2). Said keep advising. Then stop helping. Just float along. (I could NOT float along so took up the councelling offer).

Had councelling (Dr #3). Warn, advise them, step back. Let them live their choices. Get own life back. (Still in progress).

Manipulated my way in to see sister's GP (Dr #4). Said warn, advise, let her decide. Wait for crises/hospital visit. Ask social worker to assess living situation. Noted file.

So I reckon it's worth speaking up. Tell your own GP for support for you. But also talk your way in to see Dad's GP. They can listen to you even if they can't discuss. I promise they have met stubborn elders before! When you next take Dad - you follow him in & inform the Doc you have some concerns. That it's getting so hard for him - you are worried he's lonely - that he declines non-family help. Oh yes! Dad will chew you up on the drive home but tell him it's because you care.

Dob him in (as we say here).
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Dear Paul, CM and I have been writing to you from the beginning of this post, and through the previous post on the same issues. I at least have developed a lot of affection for you and your family. Did you think about what CM said last? “Paul, your father is at his most comfortable struggling on at home and complaining about it and blaming whoever comes to mind first. He has lots of options but they all require him to do something. You are at your most comfortable feeling oppressed by your father's demands and complaining about it, …. You too have lots of options but they would all require you to do something.”

If you are limiting visits to one a week, he really IS going to get lonely. Keep putting the local Assisted Living options in his face to see if they have more going for him, if he can’t now pull the strings. Perhaps that's the only outing you are willing to do. You might even get a good outcome for both of you!
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Beatty - you're welcome! It is, like MP's Camelot, a rather silly thing, but some people are just like that! I used to call my mother a fence jumper. If you said something was white, she'd say black. If you decide to let it go so as to drop the issue and call it black, it would suddenly become white!! No it isn't... Yes it is...

Happy Friday (at least for those who still have to work a regular job - TGIF.)

Edit: That segment was partially cut - for those who want the full treatment, try this one (I was disappointed that the abuse part was missing!):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpAvcGcEc0k

This one actually has more than I had heard before (I think I only ever heard the audio, no video, way back in the day.)
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Paul.

Well, you know what item to buy him for his birthday! A new razor.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to bring your daughter to see him. There is no point of making her miserable.

I’m sure she will be happy spending her time with you. I loved spending time with my dad when I was a little girl.

You are onto his excuses about wanting to see you. You know it isn’t an emergency so there isn’t a valid reason to go see him. As you said, you are going to be busy and he will have to accept it. Don’t answer any of his calls and enjoy your Sunday with your daughter.
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Doing well this week. I've had a long story about "oh no my electic razor is broke", I've offered to get a new one delivered from amazon. Hes not done that and sort of half fixed it. Don't care - carry on like that.

Hes done his usual "so I might see you sunday, I've been stuck in all week". Hes trying really hard to get visits up to a minimum of once a week at the moment. "No Dad I'm busy". He wasn't happy.

Next tactic was "but I've had this letter you need to look at". Does this one ALL the time. It might be headed "Payout of dividends from your Santander shares" and he'll ask me what it is and I'll say "Its telling you about the payout of Dividends from your Santander shares" and he'll say "Ah OK". Got to laugh.,,, :--)

I am busy this weekend. Wife is working sunday so I have daughter. Its not fair to take her to his house where shes not really wanted, shes bored, and its a bit of a health hazard too to be honest!
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Agreed! The door leads to that room for an argument!! Disgusted: thanks so much for that link LOL. That just started Friday night happy hour here he he :)

My Dad LOVES that SO much. He has been for years, every so often saying "no it isn't" to Mum when she states something as fact. Mostly she doesn't hear or understand, but just sometimes you get a sort of eye roll.
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Don't open that door! No. Simple no. As noted before and in these recent posts, giving ANY other information just begs for an argument...

Your dad would do very well as the man who "gives" the argument in Monty Python:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohDB5gbtaEQ

If you see yourself in either role, take note and change yourself!

On a different note:

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It has to want to change itself...
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onemanband,

I totally agree with not giving excuses. It is opening the door to either a debate or an argument.
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I'm so sorry it's been a hard week. It is so hard when we feel like we're not doing enough (or they're telling us that!) I think it's common that they become very self centered. My mom is typically very sweet to me and thankful for everything I do, but since her last broken bone she gets very demanding and tells me my children need to learn to wait when I tell her I haven't seen them all day. They've learned that plenty trust me! I try to tell myself it's not her and it's very much like dealing with a toddler. I try to just let it roll off me. Once when she was in the hospital she refused to do something (long story) and I was so angry and upset with her that I had to leave the room. I know cognitively it's not her fault but it just gutted me and I knew I had to walk out or I might say something terrible. I called a good friend, had a good cry and gathered up my energy to go back in. Because i had been gone a long time, my mom had sort of wised up and realized that I am her only caregiver and without me she has no one so she straightened up a little and was sorry. I love my mother deeply but sometimes you just have to say I'm human too. I've learned not to give excuses, just to say no. Like a toddler, you don't invite argument and you don't respond to it either. Just so no, I'm sorry I can't, I'll see you on Tuesday, love ya, bye and hang up or walk out.
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If counseling is hard to find, you can always watch youtube and get sound advice. You can even listen on the train or car! Best part totally free!
I know what your going through. It is harder to deal with than most people know.

https://youtu.be/a6WiZ2bOkho

https://youtu.be/GgfehV-s8XQ

https://youtu.be/Jkw9Uqz85_k

https://youtu.be/_vgQ11mGsNA
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Isthisreallyreal,

I realize that. Still cheap though.
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NHWM, that is more like 53.00 American dollars, the pound is higher value than the dollar. Just FYI.
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CM,

Yeah, $40 would be cheap! In the US there are programs for low income families and prices are adjusted. But the average session for the person who could afford it is higher. Depending on one’s insurance policy the price varies as well.
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£40 a session? You'll be lucky! Who are you going to, Lucy off Peanuts?

Paul, your father is at his most comfortable struggling on at home and complaining about it and blaming whoever comes to mind first. He has lots of options but they all require him to do something.

You are at your most comfortable feeling oppressed by your father's demands and complaining about it, and the lack of help, and the terrible services, and blaming him. You too have lots of options but they would all require you to do something.

As long as you ARE comfortable, in an 'at least you know where you are' way, I consider this nobody's business but your own.

If you're not comfortable and you would like to change how you cope with your father and still avoid being unkind to him, take a short course of CBT sessions. Are you aware of how long you've been on this forum? - six months is nothing, really, is it. (Mind you, it's more like eight and upwards, in reality. But still.)
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Sometimes the hardest part of making changes is getting started. We have to decide to make changes. If we aren’t able to do that on our own, we may need therapy to adjust our thinking.

I needed help in this area. After that, it seems to fall into place. Not always smoothly. There will always be bumps in the road. The trick is learning to cope instead of cave.
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So, you start in 6 months. I recently had to wait to start PT here in NYC because I wanted to go to a particular very convenient place.

Get on the list, Paul. CBT is EXACTLY what is needed here. Not talking about your childhood. Changing the way your brain reacts to your dad.
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Beatty - yes hes had several. Hes got walk-in shower fitted, stair lift, handrails, phone speaker adaptor. All of which I've sorted out.

Thats just it - he has no real "needs". If Social Services came to see him tomorrow they'd say "Wow hes doing fine - he can cook, use the bathroom, wash, get to bed, etc etc".

As I've said before, my Mrs is a District Nurse. Some of the old people she sees really struggle at home its so sad....
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Barb - you mean my GP not my Dads?

To get counselling for myself? Never going to happen. I know for a fact that the wait list for CBT counselling is 6 months+. For anything else, no chance - pay yourself.
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Paul, you have a GP, yes? Call your GP and tell him that you need to discuss ongoing family issues. Make the time.
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I forget - has there been a Social Service Needs Assessment done?
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Oh yeh I'm busy. Not sure what counselling is available to be honest....
Not sure if I'd be able to find someone to deal with this.

I know most of you guys are in the US. Its not as prevalent in the UK. Yes it exists but its not as common to be honest. And of course, its not cheap.

£40 a session is approx average I think.
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