Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
He is busy. I was too. You were too but we made the time.
I was completely miserable and really needed to go. I think he gets pretty miserable at times too. Therapy helps us focus on what is important, regroup so to speak.
If he can turn this situation around after discussing it. It’s worth the sacrifice of making the time.
Sometimes we have to make the time for what is most important. Counseling is important. We can sort through things and figure things out that are confusing or disturbing to us. It helps.
I wish I had gone to counseling sooner than I did. I needed to but kept delaying it. It can be hard to talk about our lives. It is hard to find the time.
Procrastinating or putting off important things is never a good idea. We usually pay for it if we do. Situations only become worse the longer we let things go. I found out the hard way.
Remember I said about how stubborn he is and how hes so set in his ways? His answer "IM NOT GOING AWAY TO DIE LIKE THAT".....
I've heard him and his friends talk. They talk as if its shame on the entire family if an elderly parent is "put in a home".
Of course, his answer to the first part would be "No I'm fine, I just need a little help from your brother and you".
His "little help" of course is, "I wont make any effort myself to get on with things, but I need some slaves because I can't be bothered"
Does your dad ever ask your brother to do what you do? No. You know why? Because your brother would not do it. I’m sure he has tons of built in excuses.
You are a smart man. You run a company. So, I know you can handle your dad. You just have to make up your mind to do it.
You know that his foolishness causes you a great deal of stress. That isn’t fair to you or your family. What if you had a heart attack? Stress is harmful. Are you ever concerned how the ongoing stress is effecting you both physically and mentally?
Do yourself and your family a favor by telling him that you cannot do all that he wants to do. He does not need to do everything that he desires.
Do you get everything that you desire in life? No. None of us do. Are we miserable if we don’t? No. Because we aren’t spoiled. You don’t have to spoil your dad with whatever he wants. He knows that and so do you.
So, start thinking of any excuses that you want to say to him. When he says something ridiculous. Say something ridiculous back.
If he says, “I have been in all week. I want to go for a “run.” You can say, “Put on your jogging suit and “run” a few miles!” Can you imagine his response? LOL Have some fun with it! I have done this before with people who drive me crazy. It throws them for a loop. It’s quite entertaining!
What are some of your brothers excuses? You can echo his responses too! Then hang up the phone. Tell him that you have another call coming in or there is a problem with your phone.
Take care, Paul.
"Dad. Are you bored? Are you lonely? It seems that way to me. It also seems you need quite a bit of help these days - with quite lot of things.
So why not settle into a nice little room somewhere. Hot meals, a few blokes to play cards with in the lounge, watch TV, go on a few outings, that sort of thing".
Try Barb Brooklyn's stealth approach... he he.
There even have therapists online/facetime. He's still got you wrapped around his little finger, and he clearly cares about no one but himself.
He is also jealous your spend time looking after your daughter at the swings. Good grief. It's your daughter! Of course you would. You shouldnt have to pick between him or your family. Rediculious. Good luck.
Even more so when I've got my daughter with me. No Dad, 6 years olds get a bit bored when they've got to sit in the car for another hour just so I can drive you 30 mins to see the mountains (in the rain!) then back again.
I used to insist we went to the mountains but went to the country park. They had swings and slides, ice cream ("she doesn't need an ice cream, don't waste your money") so daughter was cool with that. But you could guarantee we'd get there, have a cup of tea ("£1.50 for a c up of tea- daylight robbery!) and then he'd want to go home NOW ("Its getting dark, I want to go home now. Tell daughter we're not going in the park after all")
Many times I've left him sit in the car on his own for 20 mins while I took my daughter on the swings. He'd moan and moan.
In the end, I gave up, I can't be bothered with the drama every time.
Never ever tell him you finish at 5pm!
Thing is I said, hes said "well if no-one will help me I'll have to go into a home". Crazy or what? How are you going to do the bets then?
He started trying to get me to "pop in after work". Jeez I wish I worked further. Its still a good 45-60 mins in rush hour though. I REALLY want to leave work at 5, get home at 8 or something and not even see my youngest. Doesn't even register for Dad it being awkward for me.
Family was asking what time I finished work or study on a particular days. OK, not classified info, so I said. Lo & behold, appointments started being made half an hour later. If there had been an actual request - a 'could you just...?' I could have clearly stated 'No, you have other options'. But just hints. No asking if it was OK for me at all. Only them & their stuff mattered.
One time family DID plan to use other option to arrive but then 'oh how will I get home?' Umm the way you arrived? 'but I cancelled that'. Seriously?
Once I saw this for the manipulation it was, the fear & guilt thing was no longer a problem. I did not budge with the 'she may need..' wah wah wah.
Hard but fair. Tough love. Whatever you call it.
Apparantly this is very common. Other will have similar stories. The old appointment + lunch + bit of a drive + house cleaning + washing up back at their place. The 1 hour Dr apt that took ALL day.
Empathy for others needs starts to dwindle & expectation grows that others meet their needs. My Mum has gone the next step of not knowing the difference between needs, wants & whims. It's all *need* to her now.
It's coming... or already here? (Betting shop)
Now it's like age & stroke have stripped some of the outside layers of empathy, patience, judgement off. She is dealing with the loss of independence by any means she can - mainly by ridgid thinking & massive stubbornness to keep control of what she can & relentless nagging to get her way.
I see it as some sort of survival instinct.
She passes for normal enough for a Doctor's visit. Slight memory & cognition problems on testing.
But the Doctor is not in her house to see or hear her.
Or taking your Dad out for lunch... yep, personalities eh?
Its all about things working HIS way and everyone listening to what he says and wants,
It's been a busy time. She fine but my wife was very ill during pregnancy and now she has Fibromyalgia and struggles. In the last year also, my now 16 year old has been disagnosed on the ASD. Its been tough.
Of course, in this time Dad has got older, not really more ill (apart from in his head) but, naturally, hes got tireder. As such, hes completely dismissed issues I have and made it all about him.
Then its gradually worked its way into my system that I can't do it all.
Funny you should mention about not being like that when older. My Dad used to moan about my Gran. I was away in college so didnt really know the score but I do remember her calling the doctor out and making my Dads life hell.
I always remember him saying "if I ever get like that just shoot me!"
You've got more/other responsibilities and you're not as easily "FOG-ed and intimidated as you were formerly. And your wife has brought her own reasonable voice into this conversation and pointed out that your father's behavior is not what one expects.
What happened to parents who were supposed to put their son’s well-being (and marriage) over their own? What has happened to parents lying to their children and saying they’ve been well (when they have not been) to prevent them from worrying or being stressed out?
I don’t know what to tell you, Paul, except that I can relate to a lot of it and am sorry you’re dealing with it.
But I hope this embeds in us, as we get older, how NOT to be. I don’t think our parents do this to be selfish — I suppose some could have been selfish all along but most, I imagine, are just reverting to childishness — but in watching some things my parents do as they age, I ponder ways to ensure that I am NEVER like that when I get older.
Well now that you mention it. With hindsight I can see its always been there - i.e. the stubborness, small mindedness, general flapping and worrying, not listening to anyone.
I guess when I was younger it didn't manifest all the time. I think as hes got older, hes had things like health worries (perfectly normal) which have exagerrated things a lot. And of course, as I've got older, had kids, I've had less time etc (and I used to live closer).
So NEW? Not really.... Just worse.
So interesting. There is testing and in depth testing. It’s fascinating. It’s knowing how to work with the family as well as the patient. It’s being open minded and objective. It’s even reading between the lines. It’s being willing to admit and adapt. It’s learning to grieve for what once was and is no more.
I hope that I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts on possible changes in cognitive decline.
For example, after listening to mom's right wing Republican viewpoint, he raised an eyebrow and asked "new or always?" My brother's reply "Always; slightly to the right of Atilla the Hun" still cracks me up.
Her talking about how she was smarter than all her doctors? Definitely "new" and an indication to him that her filters weren't working any longer.
So, Paul, is this self centeredness new behavior? I've told you before, my mom's regular doc thought she was just fine. She wasn't.
Like I said, all the medical advice I've been given says no mental problems. Its the NHS so who knows?
Aspergers - well my teenage son is on the spectrum. My wife often says my Dad must be!
With Dad he is 100% focused on himself. We worries and flaps about things. He is stubborn and won't listen to anyone else. I get that as he gets older he worries about things like his health and how hes going to cope.
BUT, his behaviour allows no room for anyone else. Its all got to revolve around him and his needs - nothing else or no-one else matters. Thats the problem.
Oh I am absolutely not calling Paul’s dad evil. Sorry if it came out that way. I should have made that clear. I was only referring to my husband’s grandma. She was always a very mean woman. She knew what she was doing.
My MIL used to lie in bed as a child wishing that her parents divorced because her mom was so mean to her dad. Divorce wasn’t common back then and he stayed with her but he never retired! He said that she would kill him if he had to be with her 24/7. Hahaha, so the poor man kept working until shortly before his death.
My MIL was an only child. Her mother made her life hell. My MIL took dance and piano, from the age of three, graduated with honors from Loyola University in music. Her mom never ever paid her a complement. Nothing was ever good enough. Everything was about her mom, always in the society pages of the newspaper. Yep, classic narcissist and very mean.
When I was dating my husband she demanded that I eat at her home every Sunday! I looked at her and told her that was not going to happen. She got furious. Too bad. There is no way I could have spent every Sunday with her. I loved his grandpa. He was sweet.
When my MIL got non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. My grandma in law said that she, “ just wanted attention.” She was evil! How a person can be jealous of someone with lymphoma is beyond me.
She was just mean to everyone. She was horrible to the housekeeper. She had her polish the silver three times a week. Clean every piece of crystal every week too. Would stand over her and instruct her how to scrub a toilet. She was demeaning to the housekeeper and everyone else.
When she died we were offered the house. Beautiful home, uptown New Orleans. I was afraid she would haunt us! The family sold the house.
Isthisreallyreal,
You are onto something with the sense of humor. We used to look at some of the crazy stuff that my grandma in law did as free entertainment! The woman would spend $10,000 on a watch but yet ask to go to Burger King and ask the cashier for a senior discount! Come on, that is really funny 😂 !
This guy is obviously a narcissist and he says, loud and proud whatever, wherever, he wants. My 93 year old grandma in law said that she lived long enough to say whatever she wanted. I think that we hear about that behavior a lot on this forum.
Learning to not get sucked in or own it is the best way to protect ourselves from the mouths that yammer.
Paul, you have to find a way to entertain yourself with his behavior. He isn't going to change and you are too much of a good guy to turn your back on him. So learning to create humor could be your best defense.
Saying something clever to get others around you to laugh will help you not feel so embarrassed by his behavior. I will say something like, dad, please don't pinch this lovely lady like you did the last one. Or hey, don't you stiff this waiter/waitress like you did last time. This causes a break in the tension, engages others and usually gives him others to talk with for a while. Good humor with a chuckle in your voice tells others that you are teasing.
You can do it, practice makes perfect.