Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
He obviously thinks its worth the money to "buy" service....
If me, if this was causing a problem - & it would be - I'd politely resign from banking duties. Well it seems Dad, you & Bro have some deals going on. Not my biz, but I don't agree, so I'll stay out of your money business altogether from now on. You will need to arrange your meals on wheels account another way.
Of course if dementia or fraud was suspected I would act differently.
I understand the strain caregiving places on our marriages and families.
My husband would have preferred that we had our privacy. Remember, mom lived with us.
My husband definitely didn’t like that I was confused about what my responsibilities were regarding my mother.
I missed being alone with my husband. I resented the fact that I missed activities with my children due to caring for my mom. They grow up quickly, Paul. We can’t get those years back.
What really upset me, was when my children told me that they would care for me like I was doing for my mom.
I told them that I wanted them to live their lives for themselves.
I remember getting terribly upset at my therapist when he first told me that he saw a woman who was struggling with being burdened with the responsibilities of caring for my mother.
I told him not to refer to my mom as a burden. Fortunately, I have a great therapist who ignored my plea.
I was blind but my therapist saw exactly what was happening in my life.
Later I discussed my therapist’s words with my husband.
My husband and children were glad that I had a professional therapist tell me exactly what I needed to hear.
I was burdened by caring for mom. It’s much easier to help out occasionally rather than helping on a regular basis.
I think you would be at peace if you let go of the responsibility of doing his weekend shopping. Put a stop to it now.
As far as your brother goes. Mine were the same, basically strangers until they wanted something from mom or I was serving a family dinner. I no longer have a relationship with them.
Have you discussed your feelings about your brother with your dad?
It never did any good for me to discuss anything with my mom about my brothers so I resigned from doing so.
I found peace when I let go. I regret that I didn’t do it sooner.
You’ve got a head start with not going to his home during Covid. This is your opportunity to refrain from picking up where you left off.
What do you think? If he complains, so what! He complains anyway so what is the difference?
My husband told me, “Your mom is going to complain no matter what you do or don’t do. So don’t do it.” He was right.
Your habitually tight-fisted and selfish father has given your brother "thousands" over the last few months. What have you done about this marked change in behaviour?
I know I know - it just stresses me so much having to deal with him....
And I still cant get my head around the money thing. Hes given my brother thousands last few months, yet a few years ago he didnt hear from brother for weeks on end, I was doing it all and nearly getting divorced because of it.
Such a kick in the teeth....
I watched on in my family, when an informal arrangement became tense - one wanted to spend up but the nominated helper had more sense. I could see it causing tension the other way here, with Paul's Dad NOT wanting to spend a bean & Paul having sense he should (eg past stairlift issue).
In my family it was handled really well. After some thinkibg & advice, the helper resigned their informal post, to keep the relationship. An impartial professional service was employed instead (for a small fee).
Now while I can't see Paul's Dad paying an accountant (even if a tuppence!) to pay his bills for him - I would suggest a more formal arrangement may be needed in the future. Or maybe that time is now? So there are boundaries around this issue.
For me, if I was doing the books (so to speak) then I am doing the books my way. That includes paying via internet & not having freeloaders on the books (ta-ta Bro!). My family member has not given me any legal authority, so when asked to pay her shopping, dentist bills etc it was an easy No. I didn't dip my toe in that quagmire!
Dad does not need short term temporary help here. He needs REGULAR help, with needs increasing until the rest of his days.
As with visiting & bringing shopping, the finances are another area that Paul must decide his line in the sand. What he will & won't do.
Getting out of the quagmire when already up to your ankles IS harder! But can be done 💪💪climb out & draw some NEW lines 👍
I would use this time of the pandemic to make future changes.
One more thing, whether your brother steps up to help your dad or not doesn’t really matter.
The truth is, neither of you, nor your wives are obligated to care for him.
Your father is NOT getting any younger. He is getting OLDER, as we all do.
He doesn’t have any super powers to protect him.
Your dad is a mere mortal just like the rest of us and he will most likely end up eventually needing full time care.
He has saved some money. He can do as he likes with his money. He can afford to hire someone or go into a care home.
Are you in control of his finances should he become mentally unable to decide what his best options are?
I’m sorry that you feel as if you have to be there for your dad physically.
I am not trying to badger you. Believe me, I don’t think that way.
I feel your frustration because my mom completely took over my life.
My mom knew how to lay on the guilt heavily. I was targeted from my brothers and my mom as well when I didn’t cave in.
Guess what, Paul? I was wrong! Yeah, ME , for caving. I regret it enormously.
I thought that I was taking the easy way out. Are you kidding me? All I did was make it a million times harder on myself and others.
There will come a day when you cannot satisfy his every need. What then? Tend to it now.
I can NEVER get that time back, EVER! My family deserved better. Hell, I deserved better!
Okay, we get blindsided in the initial stages of caregiving but later on, it’s on US!
It took awhile before I owned it. People who really cared kept pushing me.
Sometimes they gently nudged because I would have completely broken under the least bit more pressure.
If you remember I had mom living in my home for 15 long years! I did trips to her house for five years prior to that!
Let me tell you that it was a tough grind! I have a husband and two daughters.
I was teaching then, How I balanced it all is beyond me!
You can do exactly as Barb, myself and many others have said, visit on YOUR terms!
Don’t do it for us. Do it for yourself and your family.
Take care, Paul. I hope you know that I am coming from a place of love and concern to you as a caregiver.
Hey, we may even be family! LOL
I have been tracking my English roots! Looks like from christening and marriage accounts in the census, my great grandfather traveled to America from East Sussex and neighboring areas.
So he whines. So what?
Alas, it looks like Dad has plans to rope me back in again and push back for the umpteenth time for the weekend visits.
Your dad and brother have certainly been a thorn in your side for many years!
There isn’t any point in believing that their behavior will change. Your dad and brother are who they are! You know this.
He has gotten along this far without your help during the Covid lockdown.
Your dad can continue to figure it out with your brother.
Allow your father to ‘pay’ your brother without resentment.
May I suggest to allow your brother to ‘earn’ that money that your father doles out to him.
Don’t rescue dad after Covid restrictions let up. Force him to rely on your brother, since he’s getting paid anyway.
I know that he doesn’t show any appreciation where it truly belongs, which is with you, and he shows his disapproval of you if you don’t oblige him.
So supervise his needs from afar. Continue to look after his financial records and let your brother and sister in law to do the rest.
Does this seem feasible to you?
Dad on the phone last night..... Oh brothers working all weekend. I could see if coming.....
"So..... Can you still not visit?" "Is there any way you can visit?"
Jeez. Does he not watch the news or is he being deliberately stupid? The next review is 2 weeks......
Although brother having a house party hasnt helped. BUT he hasn't helped himself because I know hes been giving brother A LOT of money. I don't want it but if he thinks hes playing this "reward son who does what I want" and "punish the son who wont break the law for me" its going to go downhill...
And I've really lost all will to live with this weekend thing. We've had this discussion multiple times..... Wife works at weekend and no I'm not bringing ny daughter because its boring for her.
He won't drop it it seems..... Of course, not once, has he said he missed my kids and wants to see them. He doesn't. Neither does he need me to go to the shop for him - hes managed fine last few months.
As per usual, its the warm glow he misses of knowing he can get me to what he wants... So sick of i.
They've been strict here. There was a big fuss when a manager at one of the health boards sorted his admin staff out with left overs... They werent front line so not allowed.....
A few weeks ago, I got a text from my stepdaughter in New Orleans that her friend, a nurse at the NYC dept of health had called say there extra doses that day at their facility. We got my husband in at the end of the day and they took my phone number for more direct contact. I got mine 2 days later. I was able to give my previously scheduled appointments to an elderly couple nearby.
Every time someone in my coop building finds a site with appointments, it gets posted on the building's electronic message board.
Slowly but surely!!
My good friend who is 83 years old got her 1st shot almost 3 weeks ago, and she still doesn't have an appointment to get her 2nd shot. She called numerous times, lines were busy, and recording referred her to call someplace else, and someplace else referred her back to the original place, no live person to talk to. Just terrible. My elder friend is stressed out worrying about not getting the 2nd shot.
For me, at the rate, I figure it won't be my turn till at least the end of the year or even next year. I don't worry about it.
In terms of infection, rates are falling massively at the moment. Hows the USA doing?
Already got my flights booked to Florida in August. At the moment though, we're not allowed into the country but fingers crossed!
Hahaha! I have to admit that I have become fascinated with tracking my family in the UK!
Hey, Vikings are awesome! LOL
I love the names too. Some names from the past are truly beautiful.
Mine have a hefty proportion of Cornish miners but if you go waaaaay back past Vikings there are Kings of some tiny peice of Sandinavia (apparently).
I am still working on my family tree.
I have recently discovered a cousin through my genealogy work that has filled me in on my great grandfather.
My family moved to Louisiana from East Suffolk. (Framlingham and neighboring areas.)
It’s very time consuming tracing family history.
I was able to verify the information that she provided through census records.
I want to explore my family’s baptismal records.
I have tracked down many of the birth and marriage records.
It’s interesting to put the pieces of the puzzle together.
We hear names of family members growing up.
It is very special to see the census records showing when and when our ancestors left Europe and came to America.
I catch myself wondering what my relatives in the UK were like!
Very glad to hear that vaccines are being distributed well in your area.
Hopefully, you will get your vaccine soon.
I get what you mean about your family. I learned to tune my family out as well. Otherwise, they will drive us crazy!
Barb - Wales are doing very well on vaccinations. I think nearly all over 70s are done. It'll be my turn soon - over 50s.
Are people getting vaccinated in Wales?