Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
I have also made it clear that certain times are *family duty* occassions. They accept this concept easily now. (But there were many early years they were kept out of restaurants & shopping centres for our own sanity too).
Good result for Boxing Day!
He was not happy. More with the fact that there'd be no-one at home to greet him. I can see now the fallout is going to be "I havent seen you're wife all year" and "I havent been to your house all year". You're going to wait a while for my wife.
He did moan about the cost £20! And he did moan my teenage son wasnt going. (Hes going to be home). Apparently, I should "make" him go. If you all remember hes on the ASD spectrum - there is no way in a million years hes going to want to sit in a restaurant with us two.
But a good result nevertheless.....
All I've got to worry about now is how he behaves in the restaurant....
Paul - Holidays are stressful. Do what you can and forget the rest.
Start by sitting or standing comfortably. Now arrange your mouth in the shape of saying no. Now say No.
Again. 5 more. Breathe inbetween. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe. No. Breathe.
Repeat to self daily.
One day you will surprise yourself & a newly perfected no will be spoken when you need it.
I may jest right? But I do get it! My Dad brought me up too & learning to say no to him as an adult is changing a lifetime habit.
My tiny squeaks of no last year are now real worlds. The feel more natural to say. If I do falter, I buy time, stall & call back when my answer is composed.
You can do it!
Here’s an example of what I had to do with my mom.
I would leave my house and go pick her up at her home to bring her to doctor appointments. She liked to go out for lunch afterwards. Lunch was fine. We both had to eat. My husband was at work and the kids were still at school.
She loved a sandwich shop that was on the way home. She would say to me, “Oh honey, the doctor visit wore me out so bring me home, then go back and pick up the sandwiches and we will eat them at my house.”
The first couple of times she suggested that I agreed but it caused me to have to rush back home to make sure I made it home before the school bus.
Something clicked and I realized that I was being manipulated by mom. I started telling her, “Mom, my kids are at the bus stop at such and such a time and I have to be there. We can stop and eat at the sandwich shop or you can sit in the car while I pick up the sandwiches. I am not going to backtrack wasting my time and rush to get home before the school bus. There is no other choice, so pick one.”
Mom made a face and then said, “Okay, we can go to the sandwich shop on the way home. She ended up talking to the nice couple who owned it. We actually had nice lunches. She knew the couple. They were very sweet and attended her church. She enjoyed seeing them. I wanted her to remain social in the community like she had before daddy died.
Your dad will survive if he doesn’t go to your house.
There isn’t a good reason to bring him back to your home. You’re a logical man who runs a successful business so I know that you have plenty of logic.
Use that same logic to instruct your dad that you will not bring him back to your home.
Don’t say, “Wouldn’t you rather this or that? It’s not a question. It’s a statement. It has to be a non negotiable statement.
Do you give in on all your business dealings? No you do not give in. Some situations are non negotiable.
When I young and my husband were planning our first vacation together as a married couple, his secretary asked him to give her a phone number that he could be reached at. This was before cell phones!
My husband looked at her and said, “ I can’t be reached. I’m going on vacation with my wife. She works hard at her job. I work hard at my job. This vacation is our time that we deserve together.”
His secretary was put off by his answer. She said, “Well, what if an emergency comes up?” He replied, “Ask someone else, I left everything in capable hands so there is absolutely no reason for you to know the name and phone number of the hotel we were staying at.”
That was that! He didn’t budge. Stay strong! Once you do it, it will become easier and you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner!
I have to say my husband is a handsome man but it was his confidence that drew me in. That kind of confidence and security is so attractive.
Can't you say "no" to your father and mean it, and not being shamed into doing something you know is useless? I mean, it's not like you have to say "my wife and children hate you because you are mean to them and you spoil their holidays". You just have to say "no, Dad, that's not what's on offer".
That's why you need to see a therapist. Do develop the skills to do this. Saying "no" to a parent is part of being a fully functional adult.
Im fully expecting "But I've not seen your wife since last year, or I've not been to your house all year". It gets like a tick list exercise with him I feel sometimes.
He's started already "I havent see x" (my teenage son). What 16 yr old boy bothers with his grandad that much? Especially one as disinterested as Dad. Also the Aspergers doesnt help because my Dad just makes him feel awkward.
Of course, he sees my daughter regularly. Uninterested of course.
Remember his birthday? He was well put out my wife hadnt phoned him. Im sure he ha d tick list there of people who "should" have phoned him.
He'll probably point blank refuse to go to the restaurant and I'll give in now.
You don’t need to bring him back to an empty house. That would be ridiculous.
Not yet told him theres no-one there....
Stick to your original plan. If you don’t want to pick him up, simply tell him that you have other plans. Leave it at that. If he asks what your plans are, tell him you have another call that you must answer and hang up.
Don’t answer if he calls back. You’re busy, busy, busy. Busy avoiding him.
Enjoy your holidays!
Paul,
Just had another thought. Can you program your phone to forward all of his calls to go to your dear brother’s phone? Hahaha, you know I am being a bit sarcastic!
Next hurdle is boxing day. I've booked a local restaurant. There is no point in me doing twox 50 mile round trips back to me house when theres no-one there (my wife is working, youngest at grans, teenager well being a teenager in his room).
Can guarantee Dad for some reason will say hes "got to visit" my house....
+1 step back
I stepped back & it was amazing the clarity I gained. Sounds cliched but like stepping back from fog into a light mist day. A few more steps needed to see sunshine again.
And AYE to DO take one step away, not just try.
"...I try to step away..." Yoda wisdom says DO or DO NOT, there is NO try!!!! ;-)
All in favor, say AYE!!
I will toast to that idea 🍻
If they don't like the way I do things - hard luck. If Dad is going to make stupid decisions then carry on. Not my problem any more.
Margaret is a wise woman indeed for spotting you need more than the ability to put boundaries in place & keep reinforcing. You can say no all you like but without real alternatives, Dad will keep on calling & the relentless pressure will still be aimed at you.
In fact, this is why my first lot of councelling (for similar family pressure) wasn't all that sucessful! I see that now. Yes I leaned to set boundaries but often the alternatives (to my helping) just wouldn't hold up. Tiny patches over each need, flimsy & falling though on any given day. Calls were still coming - as I imagine for you. Cleaner not there on time, driver late, carer cancelled +++ Needs a manager for it all but my sister cognitively not able to do this, so that was falling my way too. Would your Dad manage his *team* for himself? If so, he may do ok for a while yet. If not able to manage his *team* if you or your brother are not able/willing to do this he may well need to look at moving into assisting type living.
Good luck.
You are still left with the head set he had for himself and then created for you, of infinite obligation. Paul, this is in your head. You need to sort yourself out, and I would repeat that counselling for you and a meeting with your mother might help.
Your father’s problems have left him in the position where he is very lonely, very worried about spending money, believes that only family can and should help, and help should be for free. He is totally unreasonable, and is suffering from all the problems of the elderly about feeling out of control about how everything has changed. You didn’t make this happen.
Most of the advice about setting boundaries only makes your father feel worse, and makes you feel more guilty. You are too nice a bloke to want that to happen. Your Dad needs to make a new ‘family’ of people who care for him (both physically and emotionally).
Please get yourself some counselling that includes finding good options for your father, not just boundary setting for you.
I wish that ‘lots of love’ could help. Margaret
I used to take him away for weekends to watch the cricket but his penny pinching got too much. I'd book a hotel - I'd get the cheapest hotel I could find. £28 a night (which is very cheap in the uk) and he'd moan I'd booked a posh hotel (it wasnt!). Then he'd moan a double room would have been cheaper than 2 singles (no way).
Worse of all was he wouldnt pay for food. He'd go without. If I bough a sandwich he'd then nag and nag that I had more money than sense.
In the end I though, you know what, its like skinflints weekend I'm not doing it any more.
I have to say, if you don't play or fight then he will be playing alone and it truly takes two to tangle. You have to learn to not engage when he is pushing for a fight or wants something that you have already said no too.
I just get silent when my parents try their games, it is really effective, they know why I am not responding and when they say "are you still there?" I will say, "yep, I am here." 95% of the time it causes them to change the subject and the other 5% I say I have to go. I don't give them time to hold me, oh, I love you I HAVE to go now and I hang up, usually as they are saying something to rope me in. It is very hard to do, it feels soooooo rude, but it is far better than me being upset because they won't stop.
Keep chugging through and create your boundaries and enforce them. He may never get it, but it won't be as hard for you because x behavior gets x consequences and that is just how it is, his choice.
You are getting there, it took how many decades to get to the point you were, it will take some time to get through it. You can do it!