Just a thought
The nice thing about becoming an independent adult is not having to deal with toxic people, even if family. You can walk away and never look back.
Because, when raising a child the normal thing is to give them the tools to live in this world and when they turn 18, you push them out of the nest and start a new chapter in your life. Not saying they won't be still living with you till they get their feet firmly planted but they are now responsible for themselves. We have to allow them to grow and move on.
We seem to be the only mammal who clings to their offspring. That expects them to give up their lives for us. Instead of realizing that we are no longer the center of our children's lives. They will be off to College or a job. Making new friends, new relationships, getting married, having children. Hopefully, we will be a part of that. That we will be at the birthday parties. That they will be at Holiday dinners. Then we need to realize that with marriage also comes in-laws that means our children have to balance the time they spend with in-laws on both sides to make everyone happy. And sorry to say, the wife's side sometimes gets priority.
I think the problem arises when we expect certain things from our children and they don't meet those expectations. Its just that, our expectations that they can't meet or are unwilling to meet. Life is so much easier when u din't expect from people. You tend to enjoy it more when they do go out of their way to do something for you.
We as parents need to be just as independent as they expect our children to be. Research every option before asking a child to help. Downsize when our home is getting too much for us. Knowing when we need care and not expecting our children to do it. Excepting the changes that are a part of life. If needing our children to help with our care, making it as easy as posdible for them. Life is all about compromises. We never get what we want so go with the flow.
Some children truly want to care for their parents. Hopefully, they will have adequate help from others and take regular breaks to avoid burnout. Burned out caregivers are miserable!
I feel that the dynamics of the parent/child relationship changes when a child becomes the primary caregiver.
I have seen a wide variety of opinions on this forum. While everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no one should be judged for whatever they decide to do. All we can really do is to encourage them to make the best decision.
We should be supportive of people who care for their loved ones at home and supportive of those who place their loved ones in facilities.
It’s a personal choice and isn’t necessarily a right or wrong thing, it depends on what works best for their particular circumstances.
Choices don’t have to be written in stone. They can always alter any prior decisions that have been made.
Please remember that there may be extenuating circumstances in why certain decisions are made.
Realky, I don't think the majority of parents want their children to give up their jobs and family for them. The ones that expect it are self-centered. They don't care.
I placed my Mom too. I did not take her into my house thinking I would physically care for her. And she never made me feel that I was going to be doing it. She actually did better in the AL. Me, told my grands MomMom does not play games, do puzzles or entertain...but I do bake. Same with my Mom. But Mom never did that stuff either. 😊 She liked people and people she got at the AL.
No one nows what they are talking about till they have been there. And if they want to play Martyr, then thats OK. I do think there are those people who truly love caring for a parent. Though, they must be saints or nothing ever gets to them. Me, for a person that likes organization and everything in its place, Dementia was too unpredictable. I do not like that...whats going to happen next.
I can't care for her without destroying my mental, physical, emotional and financial health and that of my kids, husband and probably future grandkids because of the emotional disaster I would be. Even the practicalities of caring for her such as complete renovation of our house to accommodate, the medical equipment needs, and the lack of space make it impossible to even conceive of caring for her.
My expectation for my kids is that they will never have to care for me. I have put it in writing that they need to do what is best for them and their families. Even if I object to it at the time. I want them to live without guilt and hopefully leave their own legacy.
Goodness knows NO ONE HERE wants to hear the dreadful Eagle-saving-her-fledglings story again, so I will leave it at perfection.
Who cares that we children may die BEFORE the 100 year old elder we're caring for, who then goes into "a home" anyway!!!?? We never hear others lambasting people for caring for their loved ones at home, it's just when we've "thrown them" into the dreaded "homes" we hear flack.
Meanwhile, APS gets calls daily from elders being abused by "loved ones" at HOME, physically, financially, and otherwise. We read stories of greedy siblings refusing TO place their loved one, allowing them to live in squalor and danger, to preserve their inheritance. Not all people allowing their loved ones to live at home have altruistic intentions. Ha. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Abuse happens At Home just as much if not more than in managed care which is overseen by Ombudsmen, the state agencies, cameras, etc. Who's watching or overseeing Uncle Bud and what he's going on with grandma AT HOME? Nobody.
Stop expecting things from your children. Stop expecting others to sing to YOUR tune. Stop expecting one across-the-board care plan to be "the right one" for everyone. Allow your in laws the same Grace you allow your own folks. Give and don't just take. Be fair.
Live and let live, with more acceptance and less judgements in general. That's the purpose of support: to be supportive.