I am caring for my mom full-time minus 8 to 12 hours a week. Here is an example. Did Grandma every work with an occupational therapist? I know a good occupational therapist that could work with Grandma's hand. Here's the problem. Grandma doesn't want to do it! Instead of giving all this advice. Why not help spend time with Grandma!
Hypothetical: If they ask about mom eating right, thank them and see if they can bring a bag of groceries by every week or take her to dinner a couple of days a week. So, that assigning them responsibilities will bring them in on helping and not just making blanket statements.
Also, you can offer an explanation that you learned from experience, that they may have no way of knowing.
I'm not sure what is ailing your mother, as it's not listed in your profile, but, is it more than mobility issues? I recall that years ago whenever I spoke with people who had parents with dementia, they never said much about the facts. If I ever made a comment or question, they just didn't say much. As a result, I never learned anything about it. Man, was it a shock when it hit me out of the blue with my cousin. I'm not sure why those people never spoke up. Maybe, they were just too exhausted.
I just think there's a lot of information that could be shared that might benefit us all.
And there are the obvious differences that come from size, experience, relationship, and goals. Someone at the end of life has different expectations and needs than someone at the beginning.
So you are right. Would Sister listen to a calm explanation of why an 87 yo should not be treated as a 2 yo? Try it once. If she persists in that advice don't respond to it and change the subject.
Sister thinks grandmother should be in a care facility. Sometimes that really is best, but it doesn't sound like Sister is offering well-thought-out advice based on concern for GM. In any case, since you know that will be her reaction when you share concerns, stop sharing concerns with her. She isn't offering specific advice on the concern or empathy for your feelings. But you do need to talk about your concerns. Is there any friend, cousin, etc. you can discuss GM with? Do you have a religious leader? Can you join a support group? An in-person contact is best, but it can also be useful to interact on a forum, such as this one. Instead of telling your sister that grandmother has started doing X and you wonder how to respond, post here! You can post here several times a day if needed. And when you can answer some other person's post, that helps reaffirm the truth that you are a capable caregiver.
It sounds like the new living arrangement is quite successful in many ways. Cherish the success! Unfortunately it comes with increased annoying "advice" from your sister. Perhaps that is a small price to pay for the pleasure GM gets from being close to her great-grands.
I hear you. When you are the one caring for a loved one 99 percent of the time, any suggestion can sound like a criticism. And it can be very irritating like you said when what is required is more basic like visiting once a week or month.
I was the primary caregiver for my dad. All I wanted was an offer of help or some validation and acknowledgement of my time and efforts. I know people mean well with their suggestions but sometimes I was so frustrated and resentful, I couldn't hear anything without being mad.
Just cause you get a doctor o write a script for something...that does not mean insurance will cover it. Especially Medicare.