Just Witnessed Elder Abuse Committed Upon Client By His Wife
I'm a Certified Personal Care Aide working for a good agency. My client has Stage 6 Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson's Disease. He lives with his able bodied wife. They're both 75yrs old. I've been working with the client for 2 weeks. I suspected the wife was abusive to some degree due to the inappropriate, disrespectful and constant shaming behavior which she uses to engage him. Today it hit the fan during my shift :-O She began shrieking and screaming at him ordering him to do a task he was unable to do. She hit him on the head with an empty gallon jug. She shoved him down into his wheelchair. He had a small swollen and slight cut on his cheek bone that wasn't there yesterday. He had a deep bruise on his arm 1.5" wide and a cut on his shin. He began to shake uncontrollably and whimper during this altercation. This occurred within the last 15mins of my shift which ended at 4pm. I quickly gathered my things and hurried out the door and immediately called my agency. They instructed me to come into the office in the morning to file a written statement of all of the above and said as soon as I complete it they will call Adult Protective Services tomorrow morning. I'm posting this on this forum to get support, and to vent. I'm obviously shaken by this and deeply concerned about this sweet gentlemen. It's devastating for him. The kicker is she also treats him like gold, constantly attending to his every minute need. Daily "spa treatment" as she calls it, showering, shaving, tooth brushing, his hair and finger and toe nails perfectly maintained, hour-long foot massages with AsperCream, she keeps a TENS unit charged and attached for his painful knee. You name it. Takes his BP 2x/day. She maintains perfect medical management for him. She feels like his rescuer, then feels like a victim due to never getting any sleep or being able to leave him or take even a short nap. Then she reverts to a "persecuter" role which is when the acute abuse kicks in. :-(
Care-giving can be stressful and while I think it is terrible that the wife feels this is the only way to handle the situation but I understand it. She needs a good support group, as well as education and therapy to confront her anger and possibly denial of the situation. The thought of your husband dying is a tough one to come to terms with.
She beat him with high heel shoes too. Men just don’t talk about it. They have pride. There aren’t support groups for them like there are for abused women.
He wasn’t a great husband. He had his faults but no one deserves physical or emotional abuse though.
My brother’s ex wife had extreme mood swings and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She would not take her meds and she was horrible to be around. Her poor children caught the brunt of it. They left home as soon as possible.
My ex sister in law (now deceased) got breast cancer. She told the doctor that she was too mean to die! She was! Stage four cancer, bone marrow, chemo, breasts removed, reconstruction, etc. She beat it! She would not stop smoking and ended up dying of lung cancer.
The woman my brother married was bat sh*t crazy! Completely out of the box! One minute lecturing people about God and the next minute ripping people to shreds. I ended up telling her that if she was my only example of a Christian that I would gladly choose to be an atheist.
I learned to completely ignore her because there was no reasoning with her. Thank God her children are doing well. When I would pick them up to spend time with my kids I would tell her that I was there for the children to see our family. When she started acting crazy I simply told her that I wasn’t going to listen and it was her choice to allow me to have the children so they could have fun with my kids or if she kept talking that I would leave. She backed down and did the right thing by letting her kids have fun.
People with bipolar have to stay on their meds or they become totally irrational. Her kids would often stay at her sisters houses.
So maybe this wife has a mental disorder as well. I am so glad that you reported her. She needs help too. Let’s hope she accepts it.
Their body may want to move but Parkinson’s disease is a neurological disorder and their body cannot always follow what their brain signals.
How cruel for her to expect so much from him. I must thank you for doing what is right for him. I cared for my mom for 15 years in my home and I watched my mom get worse everyday. It’s really hard to see but I can’t imagine physically or mentally abusing her.
I did become exhausted. I did step away from caregiving. It was the right thing for me to do. I did it as long as I could. She is now with my brother and sister in law.
I would never justify this woman’s behavior but she must have serious burn out. So, you will be helping her as well as her husband by making this report.
I am very sorry that you had to see this incident. You have to question what she did when you weren’t around. Will the agency give you an update on his situation? I hope this is handled correctly and she isn’t able to talk her way out of it.
Best wishes to you. I hope your client will be safe. I hope his wife gets the help she needs as well. This is horrible and it makes me wonder how often it happens. I have always felt that children and the elderly are the most vulnerable.
Remember that song from years ago, Bless the beast and the children. The elderly, children and animals all need protection, right?
While we are on the topic of blessing. Bless all caregivers such as yourself for having the love in your heart to defend the elderly. Thank you so much 💗.
Are YOU okay?
What was the task she wanted him to do?
How has she behaved towards you during the last two weeks?
Is somebody else covering them for the time being?
Obviously the key welfare issue is the gentleman's, but I know you know it's not as simple as that. How do you think your agency will handle it?
We have a number of couples and families under horrendous strain; and we have some clients who stay on our books indefinitely (our service model is reablement support for a maximum of six weeks, usually three) because there are "adult safeguarding" issues. Note: we're not officially told what the issues are, for all sorts of good procedural reasons, we're just told that there are some. We turn up at the home, follow the care plan, make and document our observations. And do you know, I think there are two reasons this approach seems to work extremely well. One, nobody feels accused (or not by us, anyway). Two, it seems as if just knowing that neutral, helpful people turn up and offer support between one and four times a day takes heat out of the situation; and maybe the knowledge that we WILL be there and we WILL notice checks acting out, too.
But if your lady abused her beloved husband in front of you, in full knowledge that you would observe (and, she must have half-realised, would be obliged to report) what she did - then she's broken. I can only hope this is a turning point for them both.
*hug* to you!
I notice your statement here s pretty cut and dried, no embroidery. Copy this page and take it with you when you go to write your report tomorrow. It is a well done recitation of facts.
Take a deep breath and stick to facts as you have here. You’re the kind of person I’d want to hire to deal with a fragile LO of mine.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for your peace of mind moving forward.