July of this year, mom fell at home, she lives alone. I am her daughter and her caregiver. She didn't break any bones, I took her the doctor and everything checked out fine. Mom has COPD, A-Fib, mild CHF, limited mobility due to osteoarthritis in her knees and back amongst a few other issues. Since the fall I noticed that she started declining in her health and I was spending more and more time over her house caring for her until it got to the point where she was not eating or moving around much, sitting and sleeping most of the time. I finally talked her into going to the doctor on Aug. 14th, the labs showed mom's sodium level was dangerously low and was admitted immediately into the hospital. She was there for 4 days and was transferred to a skilled nursing facility for physical therapy. 3 weeks later mom and I met with the interdisciplinary team and were told mom has not made any improvement and they recommended 24 hour care. Mom has medicare and med i cal so she can stay at the facility if we so decide. We cannot afford in home care and In Home Services does not provide 24 hr. care nor can mom live with me since she has mobility issues and we don't have a bedroom downstairs.
Since mom has been at the facility I have learned that she is quite social and has met many new friends, she loves the staff and they love her. She has lived alone for 40 years. She has never driven a car and has depended on me to do her shopping, doctor appts. etc all these years. It has been very sad watching her decline and I feel so sorry for her, but, on the other hand, she is getting good care, 3 meals a day, and I don't have to worry about her being safe at home. She keeps telling me she wants to go home but I really want her to stay there. The decision is putting so much stress on me I don't know what to do. How do I tell her? Should I tell her, or just let her think she needs to continue to work on getting better, knowing she will never go back home. The facility told me they would sit down with her and I and they would tell her that it is not safe for her to go home, and have it come from them. I feel so bad when I go to visit her and leave her there to go home. I know I am not the only one that has gone through or going through the same situation. I will welcome any advise, thank you.
No, I doubt your friends do understand the guilt that you are feeling nor your dreading to go see her. Does your mother expect you to visit more than you do? Does she say things that make you feel guilty for not going more than you are?
Does the facility have a social worker that you can talk about your feelings of guilt and dread with? If not, I would suggest finding an objective third party who understands these kinds of issues to talk with?
Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to fix your mom's emotional state. I'm not sure arguing with her rationally is really going to settle what for her is probably a very emotional issue. I would try affirming her feelings, but then try to divert her attention to another subject. At some point, your mom is going to have to choose between staying miserable or accepting this major change in her life which does provide her both safety and care. At some point, you might have to detach with love from her constant complaining and limit your visits even more.
What does your husband think about all of this?
Also, I don't see where you have done or not done anything to feel guilty for.
Maybe I'm waxing too boldly and am totally wrong, but this is how I see it.
I am trying my hardest to be understanding but I am losing my patience and I am starting to dread going in to visit her now. As many of you are going through the same thing I am going through, raising a family, working and trying to take care of an aging parent, I'd like to hear how others are handling their situations. At first I was going twice a day, then once a day. Now, I try to go at least every other day but I feel so guilty if I don't. I was going every Saturday and Sunday but would like to go only 1 day not both. It's easy for friends and family to say just do it, but they don't have the emotional attachment I have, I feel so sorry for her. She continually tells me she wants to go home and why I can't just take her there. I explain over and over that she needs 24 hr. care and she is getting what I think is great care at the facility, and how lucky she is to have Medicare/med-i-cal to pay for her care.
It makes me feel so bad that she can't go home to her home where she lived for 60 years.
I don't have a life because my mother is still too much stress for me. I an friggin' errand girl, not a daughter. I do have help from a local group to drive her around sometimes but it is the mental pressure of having to deal with everything, all the decisions, for both of them, that is killing me and robbing me of a good life.
Keep her there. She's safe.
xo
-SS