Life Sucker!
**CAUTION--RANT**
My 71 year old mother has lived with me for almost a year. She has multiple health issues, none of which are as bad as she would like you to think. If you were to ask her, she is dying any minute. (If you are old enough, think Sanford and Son-- Elizabeth, its the big one! I'm comin' to join you honey!) I have been dealing with her "health" since I was 15. Everything is a major crisis. To top it off, she could be a travel agent for the guilt trip. Every conversation starts with "You just don't know how bad I feel" or "You just don't understand" Up until December I worked full time, and she was perfectly content being home alone during the day. I was laid off before Christmas, and now since then she has decided that she cannot be alone. I can barely be out of her sight, let alone leave the house. With that said, she sleeps all day and most of the night but if she wakes and yells for me and I'm not here to answer all hell breaks loose. My husband works third shift so he sleeps during the day, my 16 year old daughter is in school all day. No one can wrap their brains around the fact that I am losing my ever loving mind! I have worked since I was 15, these 3+ months of being stuck at home are about to kill me. Every time I mention going back to work the guilt trips start again. "I just can't be alone, what am I supposed to do?" Perfect example would be tonight. I took my daughter to a function, there was a gap of 66 minutes between my husband leaving for work and us getting back home. She soiled herself. I asked her why? "Well I walked to the bathroom, and went in, but I thought I might get dizzy sitting there and you weren't here so I went back to the bedroom. I just couldn't hold it anymore". Now keep in mind, she has a bedside commode in her bedroom, and the bathroom she walked to is 12 feet down the hallway.
I feel like I am a lousy person because I get angry. I try not to let it come out in my voice, but I know sometimes it does. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me with the constant and I mean CONSTANT negativity. She is not a half full/half empty person, she is an OMG, its almost gone and I'm going to die of thirst and what am I going to do if I'm all alone and the last drop of water evaporates and you aren't here for 30 seconds to fill it back up for me" kind of person.
I guess the purpose in this rant is the hope that PLEASE... there has to be someone else on the planet that can relate? Or am I really the horrible daughter that I feel like right now??
Vicky I feel for you. I sold my home, quit my career and moved 200km to care for my narcissistic, manipulative, mean & spiteful mother for four hellish years. She's been that way always and I've spent most of my life avoiding her. She's been in a NH for 18 months now (Parkinsons, stroke & dementia), now unable to sit up or stand. I visit and ensure she has all she needs but after a lifetime of stress, pain and anguish I'm still in "recovery" mode and I have no guilt or feeling for her at all. She's safe, well cared for and I've done my duty. That's all that matters.
My mother's "situation" of being manipulative and demanding are not things that are going to be "turned around" at her age of 71 and in her current health situation. There is no amount of schooling that is going to adjust that, as determined by the multitude of physicians that have treated her over the years. As far as this being a "one sided story" it was my understanding of this site, that as a caregiver, I was able to put MY side of the story out there and not be judged. I'm not asking you or anyone else for that matter to "buy" what I have said, as I was not trying to "sell" anything. I have no argument that there are ways to improve MY reaction to my mother, that is for me to learn. Your "opinion" in just that, an opinion. I live the reality of the situation daily. When you have walked a day in my shoes, then you can judge the reality of how things are in my household. Until then, I would appreciate if you have nothing helpful or useful to say, you avoid my posts.
My mother is a drama queen. She can be very sweet, but every day she is about to die at any moment. If she wants another pill and I say no, she carries on that she is about to die. Do I want her to die? It is so unpleasant and my blood pressure can get very high when she does it. I've been going through it for four years now, but only recently did I look to find a place for her. I found a good place, but she wants to stay at home. She doesn't like people, so doesn't have a strong push to be with people her own age. We'll have to see how everything goes. My thoughts on this are if I owe my happiness and health to her just so she can be so unhappy in her own house. If she were happy, it would be one thing. But there is really no reason to harm myself so she can be unhappy. It took me 4 years to get to this point, so I understand where you are coming from.
I have two brothers who call occasionally. They don't care much if we live or die here, so I don't depend on them. I don't know why there is often only one person to take the load on their shoulders. And I don't know why we feel that we need to. Sometimes I think I must be crazy. I'm 62 and need to be enjoying my life, instead of doing what I do. But I know if I don't, then it will be hard on everyone in the family. I guess you could say that caregivers are the supporting stones in the family. The problem is figuring out how much weight we can carry and for how long without any help.
Forgive the rambling. I am just thinking out loud.
this was a one sided story where mom produced all the problems. i dont buy it as i know in a room full of people with a bad situation, every single one in the room could be an instrument for improvement. vickirn, imo its your job to find, analize and formulate a multipoint plan for unf***ink the household.
Good luck out there & don't forget to let us know how it's going!
I hear you, I hear you, I hear you...when you say you get angry. That's me as of the last couple of years (and my Mom doesn't live with me!) I honestly don't know how other people do it with a smile on their face, and a pleasant tone in their voice. One such friend of mine, who looked after her dying mother at home for a few years (toilet, feeding, putting up with her mother's biting sarcasm) speaks of this time with a great deal of gratitude and serenity. Go figure.
It's a mystery to me how some caregivers can remain so calm -- not only out in public, but when even no one's looking.
I say "Ranting allowed! You are NOT alone!" And "Your Mom needs to be somewhere else; you need to get your life back."
You are in a terrible position and I sympathize so much with you. I agree with the others that you need to do what is right for you, which seems to be find another job. Your mother sounds like a good candidate for assisted living if she can afford it. There's no reason for you to stay home while she sleeps all the time. I'm sure your family is not so happy with the arrangement, either. It may be that being around other people in AL will put some life back into your mother.
I know how hard these things are to do. We can't make our parents do what they don't want to. You do need to make some changes for her sake and yours. It sounds like she has many years ahead of her. I don't know how well you could handle that if she becomes progressively more inclined not to do anything. Good luck and let us know what is going on.
If Mother "needs" care while you are working, work with her to determine what the options are and what she can afford. When she realizes that her pension will have to go toward having in-home help that may help her prioritize what she really needs.
It is also possible that her decision that she can't be alone is based on a change in her condition. As you describe her behavior, I wonder if genuine dementia has joined her real, quasi, and pseudo illnesses. If that is the case, perhaps she really does need more supervision/encouragement/assistance than she used to. Perhaps, in fact, she would do better in a care facility. You could visit often as her loving daughter and not as her full-time caregiver. You could leave when the conversation just got too negative for your own mental health.
I LOVE the way you describe her brand of pessimism!
She takes depression medication, anxiety medication, pain pills, nausea meds, if there is a pill for it, she wants it and she takes it. I'm starting to think *I* am the one that needs to be medicated! :)
depression largely destroys relationships. being dragged into someone elses quagmire is infuriating. id suggest slipping doc a note about your mothers depression. he can do more with anti depressants based on the carers input than on the unreliable ( denial ) of the patient.