palmtrees1 Posted March 2013
My brother and I just had a discussion about my mother's Living Will.
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He claims he is her medical proxy, even thought the medical directive lists no one as a medical proxy. She also initialed that she did not want a medical proxy. So all she has is a Living Will. I am wrong, aren't these two different things. My brother was very hostile about me even asking about it. I got quite the lecture.
However, it is my understanding that you really should have both. Can someone enlighten me here?
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My mother has a DPOA, very broad, covers almost everything. In the last item mentioned it gives her agent (my brother) medical POA. However, at the same time that she executed this POA, she executed a Medical Directive. The Medical Directive has a Living Will and Power of Attorney Proxy. On the Medical Power of Attorney Proxy she chose "No" to naming a Power of Attorney. She crossed out where you name the proxy and his alternate and signed it.
It was my understand or misunderstanding that the medical directive overrode the DPOA's appoint of a medical proxy. My brother told me this months ago. I could have misunderstood.
She was telling me about getting phone calls from someone who asked for her SS number. I told her gently that there are many scamming individuals who will take advantage of her just because she is a senior citizen. This led to me incouraging her to be sure to have all her ducks in a row. I asked her to work with my brother and make sure he has everything he needs. To my understanding, and I remember him telling me, he did not have a medical POA.
I asked my brother about the medical proxy and told him I did not see an appointment on the Medical Directive for one. He blew up at me because 1. I guestioned his authority, 2. for some reason I am not supposed to ask question, 3. He misunderstood my question because he was yelling at me and having a hissy fit. I am 61 years old, no one talks to me like that except my family.
I don''t know what is going on, am not allowed to ask and have been left out of most everything. I am alternate on her DPOA but no one talks to me, explains anything or includes me. I was appointed only because she has no one else, she wanted to appoint her grandson;.
Why do they treat me this way. Good question. Family dynamics. I am the scapegoat and have always been. Sad thing my brother was coming to visit me in two weeks. He has not been to my home in 10 years. We have a strained relationship. He yelled at me and told me he wasn't coming and hung up on me. Very Mature.
I think this blow up was over something entirely unrelated to the POA. He has done this before. I am very tired of this bipolar relationship. I feel I am always walking on egg shells with these two people.
My point of even asking my brother about this medical proxy was mother claimed that no one talked to her about it and she didn't have any of the papers she needs. Both of these statements are lies.
So I have a lying mother and a bully brother. I think if I could get a lawyer and legally divorce these two I would. I need to dissassociate.
Does he have power of attorney? That authorizes him to act on her behalf in financial matters. It does not cover medical issues unless it specifically says so.
Why won't your mother name a proxy? If something comes up that isn't covered in her living will, who will make the decisions? If no one is named, the hospital will simply apply its rules. (This happened to my cousin. Even though all his children agreed on what should happen, none of them were named proxy, and the hospital had to follow its own protocol instead of listening to them.)
Asking about it now is better than asking about it in an emergency room. Why is brother hostile about the question?