Mom lives 500 miles away in assisted living. I've traveled 6,000 miles plus in past two months to care for her, yet she won't consider moving nearer and my sister (also long distance but not a frequent caregiver) also opposes the move. This has been going on for years now, though visits are at top level ever due to mom's frequent falls. We have a caregiver who comes in daily, but I don't feel I can not go when mom's in the hospital. She has a "lifecare" plan and is vested in her condo/apartment but doesn't really have many close friends in her community and seems lonely/depressed.
Her ALF is supposed to ensure her health, SAFETY, and well-being. You, as her loving daughter, are supposed to make sure that support network is still viable.
Moving with you, in my opinion, is tantamount to uprooting her from familiar people, places, and things. She might not have as many "close" friends/relationships as you'd like, and is probably depressed because her body isn't holding up as it used to. But whether you like it or not she has a right to live the rest of her years with dignity and a modicum of independence. ... Ultimately, it's her choice.
I take my hat off to you and your sibling for epitomizing what caregiving should be all about: respect and unconditional love.
Best of luck my friend, and a warm hug to your Mom.
-- Ed
Sometimes it takes increments for a parent to get used to a new idea. My mom used to call it "planting the seed." Tell your mom that these round trips are taking their toll on you and that you need to devise another plane. Go ahead and gather the ALF info and leave it with her the next time you visit. Don't jump in the car everytime she needs something...she needs to see you as her daughter not the unpaid gopher.
good luck...I hope you find a good solution.
It has had its positives and negatives. Mom got better care, but she is isolated because she just knows me and my hub. And she cannot get out as much.
You have two choices: either move her near you or depend more on the staff at her assisted living center to provide the care that she is paying for. That way you can stay in touch with the staff to make sure she is getting whatever she needs. Then, you can go back to being the daughter who just visits for fun.
You cannot keep flying into her town whenever she has an "event." Talk to her about how important it is for you to be able to be active in her care, but that you can no longer keep up this pace.
Have you asked her outright if she would like to live near you? Have you gathered brochures and visited local ALFs? It is so hard to discuss these things in the abstract.
In the end, you may have to use tough love and insist that she move near you. Btw, the reason that your sister hasn't stepped up is because she knows that you will take care of everything. You need to have a heart-to-heart with her. If you move your mom near you, you will be 100% her caregiver. Make sure that your sister is on board to come and give you breaks several times a year.
There are never any perfect solutions to caregiving....you just have to make the best choices at the time.
good luck