When I read the discussions on this site it is like looking in a mirror at myself. I don't have any good advice as I don't know how to handle my own situation. It is good to know it is not only me going thru the horrors of being a caretaker although i would not wish it on anyone. I don't think there is a real solution to a caretakers problems except to have a place like this to vent .. putting your feeling in writing does help!
My mother has bipolar, cluster B personality disorders, and advanced dementia. Two years ago, she was extremely paranoid, controlling, domineering, verbally abusive, and physically abusive. The entire family abandoned her because she was so awful to be around. They didn't understand it was her mental illness and dementia that was getting worse.
Your mother probably has angry outbursts because her brain is sick. I STRONGLY suggest you call your local area agency on aging (you'll have to google it for your county or state). Request a social worker come do a home assessment. Your mother must be seen by a neurologist and a geriatric psychiatrist some how, some way. She won't want to be seen because it scares her. She will fight you on this.
Do not be surprised if they tell you that your mother must go into 24/7 care. Putting my mother into a secure dementia care unit was the best decision ever made for her. The staff make sure she eats, takes her medicine, is bathed, changed, and went to activities until she couldn't anymore. If this is what your mother needs, you must let it happen. It does not mean you have failed. It means your mother's needs have changed and increased, which is normal for old people.
My mother was seeing men with red eyes outside her window, seeing squirrels on the fireplace mantle, rabbits running through the house, seeing people who have long been dead. Accusing me of all kinds of things. I supposedly stole her pants despite the fact I lived 1800 miles away. I also was rummaging around in her closet, taking things and was on TV. These are auditory and visual hallucinations caused by the dementia and mental illness together. It is NOT NORMAL. She called me every awful name there is, swore at me, screamed, yelled, raged and ranted. She accused me of wanting to take her money and kill her. This was her sickness talking. I had to learn NOT to take it personally. She also accused people in the memory care home of wanting to kill her, so it wasn't just me.
I also want you to find a counselor or therapist for yourself, to make sure that YOU are going to be OK during all this change and that you can learn to feel good about your decisions to put your mom in a place where she will be safe from herself.
So, loving her as much as you do, you do have choices about how to express that love and do good things for her.
If you DECIDE that the best way to express your love for your mother is to keep her in the home you built for her and provide all her care yourself, then at least acknowledge that is is your choice, and you are not a prisoner. For heavens' sake, take credit for this decision -- don't pretend you didn't make it.
It really helped me to take care of my husband with dementia at home to remind myself that this was my choice, and there were alternatives if things got really bad.
If your mother was eligible for hospice care then she is apparently at the end of her life. Does it help any for you to realize that this caregiving role is likely to be over soon?
Just because you chose this role and intend to continue in it, in love, doesn't mean that you don't hate it to pieces from time to time. This can be a good place to vent.
Sorry, but I can't see a loving mother doing what you shared that your mom has done and said. Healthy love does not do that and does not let others abuse them or make them feel like an abused prisoner.
Has a doctor evaluated her competency?
Lawyers don't send a person to a nursing home. That's what doctor's write orders for.
Would she qualify for medicaid to pay for her to go to a nursing home?
Given her mental health problems on top of the dementia, she may well need a special nursing home for people with her unique needs.
Would you take such abuse from a spouse? If not, then why do you take it from your mom?
Do you have her durable and medical POA? I hope so.
My MIL doesn't like her sudden loss of physical mobility and its related independence, but that doesn't change her many fractures in her pelvis which is both painful and has put her to bed which she will need from 6-18 months of to heal.
When you are ready to deal with things, let us know.
Why does she need to see a lawyer to see if the doctors can put her in the nursing home? That's the question for her doctor, not her lawyer.
Has her mental health ever been diagnosed?
They feel powerless; they're overwhelmed, and for various reasons they aren't able to create enough mental distance to rationally analyze the situation. I think it would be like being caught in a whirlpool and being whipped around and around by intense currents. One has to battle the grip of the current in order to get out and plan a route to a safe shore.
I think for those who write about desperate situations, that difficult escape is the first step to creating a more tolerable situation.
I'm not blaming anyone; it's not the fault of the caregiver, the elders or the family. And I certainly won't pretend that I haven't been there. It's a horrible place to be.
We see through posters' descriptions what they perceive as their own reality and trapped situation.
My point is that the request for advice and help needs to be either first addressed and/or accompanied by enough self analysis and recognition that there are factors beyond the control of the individual, and that only he or she can change his/her attitude toward how to achieve a more balanced perception and life.
I think the first step really is this journey of recognizing one's negative self-image, accepting that siblings and family aren't necessarily going to change, that the caregiver needs to recognize what can't be changed and instead focus on changing his or her approach and self image.
If you see yourself as abused, and as a prisoner, your first step is a frank analysis of why you feel that way and how you can change that self image by recognition of what's changeable and what's not. Then you can move forward, establish boundaries and work out a solution that's more healthy for you.
Sounds easy when written, doesn't it? Well, it's not, and anyone who's gone through it would probably confirm that it's very difficult. I'm sure I'm not the only who often feels as though I'm on an emotional seesaw, and need to step back and regain my perspective.
But the alternative of remaining in the status quo isn't any better.