I have noticed that I do not feel as "sharp" or "smart" as I used to before I became a caregiver. I can only compare this to the mommy brain that I had when my children were both infants. When I am in a social situation lately I am at a loss for conversation. This is distressing to me because I look so forward to getting out and being around non-demented people and then when I am there I have nothing to say and feel out of place. I feel that people avoid me because of my situation. I may be sensitive but there are others out there who have a great amount of guilt about not taking care of their elderly parents and I think they feel awkward around me also. Being in the situation of having a low level stress at all times makes my mind simple. I read crappy magazines and watch dumbed down TV just like my Mom. I know there are gifts that go along with the difficult task of taking care of our elders and I appreciate those. I just do not want to become an empty shell with no personality.
I was thinking of that this morning, specifically the differences between the challenges of working vs. the challenges of caregiving. In a work environment, generally staff are working toward common goals. Even though there can typically be some who aren't team players or have their own agendas, there's a higher level of corporate or firm/company commitment and mission to help guide the stragglers back into compliance.
With caregiving, there's a similar approach of commitment and mission, but there are many more levels of participation, some of which are cast in concrete (like the governmental regulations).
Sometimes I think of health care as comparable to dog competitions in which dogs race through hoops, speed up and down dog runs, and slither through slalom type courses. That's how I often see the medical field - one of challenges and adherence to rules made by unknowns somewhere, someplace...and sometimes akin to a nonphysical and nonmilitary equivalent of obstacle courses.
Goals, while set by medical staff, family and patients, are often as much adherence to sometimes silly regs than the welfare of the patient.
I do recognize though that administration of Medicare and health care is a lot more complex than the fields I've worked in, so perhaps I am prejudiced.
For several years I worked in government contracting, bound by federal regs for procurement. There were so many levels of issues, of compliance, and after awhile that compliance seemed to supercede the goals of the projects.
It wasn't a question of the best method of doing something, but that consideration as well as how it can be accomplished within the onerous constraints of regulations.
When I went back to the private sector afterward, it was so much different - decisions made after careful consideration based on statutes, legal precedents and good business principles, but the governmental involvement was minimal and cooperative. I vowed I would never again work in any field that was so dominated by regulations as the previous contract admin position.
Caregiving has so many of the characteristics of government work - strangled by regulation at so many levels. After a while jumping through hoops seems to be the goal to even get to the real goal of patient care.
One thing you can do to keep brain cells from atrophying is read while you're waiting, and there is a LOT of waiting. Read something stimulating. I always have gardening magazines and a sketch pad with me so I can create different formal garden configurations. It's very invigorating mentally, for me at least because I'm designing. I may never get the beds planted, but at least the brain cells aren't being stifled by the omnipresent sitting and waiting aspect of caregiving.
I am hoping it is just stress related and the fact I hadn't had a good night sleep in two months since my fall where I got injured and sleeping is a bear. Or that I am over-thinking because I now know too much about memory issues :P
I've been after my parents for several years to update all this paperwork and they kept dragging their feet.... lot of sleepless nights thinking that I might have to deal with their old Will which was a landmine.
I am obsessing too much thinking I have lost some brain cells, that I might have dementia already. I have to stop and think of the more current times this week with another co-worker where I was helping her learn a software program where I find I still feel smart :) The program was distracting me and I was able to concentrate.
working on keeping in touch with her.... maybe become a care coordinator?? ( See I just had to look up how to spell that) lol !!! I said great! just don't send me to someones house...
I try to keep in touch with friends but.. its hard as they can come and go places and I cant cant leave mom along for more than an hour or so. Im resentful as hell !!! Im so out of touch with everything. I cant even hold a normal conversation about anything of importance .. it seems.
I seem to keep going back to " well My mother....."
Im out of touch with the new music forgetting how to spell....but, Im getting a little better at Jeopardy and wheel of fortune
Id go to a friends house just across town ( well used to ) I started becoming jealous of her clean,organized house, nice patio. and surround sound house of music. Sounds childish I I know but she can play it as loud as she wants..
Its boring at my house. quiet all the time..not a fun place hard to invite people over just for a glass of wine after mom goes to bed.. they aren't comfortable.
I tried alittle last summer with a few people but, Id get called away by mom for the commode,, Id hear them laughing on the deck. and feel left out when I came back.. It wasn't fun for me.. I had to stop . just found my self getting jealous and angry. I even tried dating !.. he was very understanding about Mom even brought her donuts ,, but it wasn't fun to sit on couch and mom in the wheel chair watching jeopardy every night....so that come to and end... when my friend started inviting him over to help fix something then she'd ask him to stay.. he always said it was fun going to her house ( which began making me jealous and insecure,
He still comes by to help me remove snow or bring mom a donut but the days of him coming over every weekend for dinner are over... I really enjoyed cooking( something I love to do ) for someone other than mom food..
again I feel left out and alone.......
And how I wish this website would let us edit our post after we had posted it. I will read one of my postings long after the fact and think what in the world was I thinking as my grammar was way off. If only I could sneak back into the post to fix it.
My brain is screaming enough already, can't handle any more stuff.
I also find I talk to back to commentators on TV on the pretense of having an intelligent conversation.
The insanity worries me a bit but if they put me away I'll have a wide range of topics to discuss with "my caregivers".