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mbvargo - I certainly enjoyed your post. It sounds like you have taken back your power without needing to hate your mother. I bet it wasn't easy. Stay strong, stay laughing.
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Thank you so much for this thread, everyone. It has helped me much. This evening I have been wondering why we spend so much energy thinking and worrying about our parents. We should be spending most of that energy living our own lives.

Tonight my mother got upset with me because she was writing a check for the church and I told her she had already given the offering. She voided the check and said that she could never do anything to please me. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, though I realize I hadn't. Still I felt bad.

This evening I started looking at houses again in a place I used to live. I found a perfect one. It was in my price range and had everything I needed. My own cabinets, my own big closets, two bath tubs -- one was a garden tub, a huge yard. And it was right around the corner from my old house that has so many good memories. I felt free just thinking of opening those empty cabinets and walking through the uncluttered rooms. It made me happy just to be me in my mind.

So why waste energy worrying about people who are impossible to please? Why not, instead, pursue the things that we need to make our own lives happy? So often we have a very unsatisfactory trade-off. We make our own lives miserable trying to make theirs a little more tolerable (we think). But even then they are not happy. It seems pointless to keep spending so much energy on something that makes everyone miserable.
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Jessie - sounds like you had a good time in that house. You are so right. It does seem pointless to spend so much energy trying to achieve the impossible. My mother will never be happy or even satisfied for long. I really doesn't matter what I, or anyone does. So why sweat it? I am letting calls go to voice mail. Don't need the aggravation. She is in a safe, attractive environment, and cared for even if she doesn't think so - and she wouldn't think so even if she was living in the Ritz Hotel with an entourage looking after her every demand. She would find fault with something. It is her nature. She doesn't want solutions - she wants problems to gripe about. I think it is a terrible shame that people's lives are sucked out of them by people who have problems like mother has. I have had enough of it to last me the rest of my life, and need some peace. Hope you are thinking seriously about that house. I don't have a garden tub - main bathroom is too small - but I had a tub with air jets put in to replace the old one, and I love it!!!
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mbvargo, Thank you so much I needed a good chuckle! So sorry for your troubles but it is good to get that pent up anger out, at least for me it is, you are correct on so many levels. I've been on this site since August of 2013 and I'm so glad I found you guys, this stuff dealing with what we deal with is blooding hell for God sake! I just had dinner and talked with a good friend for several hours actually got out of the house felt somewhat back to human again did me good. I'm so thankful tonight for all of you on the site, your honesty, kindness, willingness to offer assistance, your knowledge. Sharing your experience, strength, hope and humor with me. I'm trying to stay in a good place for the moment it's like that just a moment at a time lately.

I spoke to the good attorney she went buy to see my parents today again, so blessed to have found this attorney and yes it was a God deal how it happened. She knows how to work with my parents, all of us involved. My parents don't know this but I'm having the new attorney file for guardianship over both it's that bad. I told the attorney I don't want it, she will keep me informed we will share the financial responsibility, as I don't want to be the sole person responsible due to previous experience. This is going to be so expensive but there was no way around it, my father is his worse enemy, the threats, attempts to escape, they are finally going to be locked up, sounds horrible, I refuse to feel guilty about this. If my father drove again he could kill someone but he's to out of it to even thing of others only his rights. I vacillate between extremes, having terrible anger, hurt, fear, feeling sorry for them, and compassion. But bottom line they still no nothing of how their choices or lack there of have affected so many lives. The attorney said if I could come up in January that would be helpful otherwise she will work something out, I'm still deciding. I want to forgive and let go, the anger I've felt over my childhood is hurting me over and over again when I hear my father yelling at me or my mother. But I'm getting some information I didn't know about my parents that has helped me understand what the hell happened to me! Again thank each and everyone of you for sharing.

There needs to be recovery group for people dealing this type of dysfunctional parent end of life issues, this might be the beginning. I will tell you one thing, you guys are hero's no matter what you're feeling, you guys rock, all of you!
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I'm working through the technicalities now. I think I can pay cash, so I don't have to deal with the mortgage. The house is a short sale, so is going for less than value. I'm having to count pennies to see if I can swing it. I don't want to chew my leg off to get out of this trap I got myself into.

Strange how such simple things can seem like a luxury when we've gone without for too long. Still there is the question of what to do with Mother. She will fight any type of change.
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Zoo, you and I were typing at the same time. It sounds like we're both busy trying to loosen the trap clamped on our legs. Good luck getting all sorted out, sister. It sounds like you are on a very good road. Here's a big hug to start you on your way ((((Zoolife)))).
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Zoo - you are doing well - keep it up. Keep looking after yourself.

Jessie - go for it!!! Of course your mother will fight change however big or small it is. Do it anyway. You will figure it out.

Bermuda - where did your inspiration lead you?

mbvargo - good for you too! That is awesome. Humor sure does help. I have been known to stick my tongue out at my mother when her back was turned. That was years ago, but it helped at the time.

Let's see that 2014 is a good year The "Take back Your Power" year! On another thread with a similar theme, one gal took back her power and her mother is now in assisted living under the care of professionals. Her situation was pretty bad too. Some of you may remember Lisa or survivor2. We called ourselves the KAG - the kick ass girls - a form of wonder women and wore blue tights and tuna cans in the appropriate places, Think we have a few KAG's here too! ((((((hugs))))) to all
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Emjo, you crack me up thank you, I'm still laughing the KAG oh my Lord! You know my father revoking me as DPOA, may just work out pretty darn well for me in regards to good cop, bad cop. Since my fathers sister is now is DPOA she will have to be the one who's going to me putting them into assisted living not me, then will be the one moving to file for the attorney to be their guardian, will what do you know about that LOL! You know how that's going to play out, but I'm GOOD COP NOW!!!! LOL

We do need to focus on taking back "Our Power" deleting the preprograming of childhood drama the guilt, shame along with all the rest of the of negative emotions. I'm saying this cause I so need to hear this myself. I've had so many memories come back from childhood abuse, they never seem to go away which I get. However every time I remember it's all in how I process it as how I will heal from the remember revelation, I HAVE A CHANCE TO BE who I want to be! One day if I don't go first, I will never have to be in contact with the people places and things that draw me back to my past abuse once it's over they've pasted. It's true, gut level honest it's true. News flash not many get the Norman Rockwall depiction of childhood, or John boy's fawn memories on Walton's Mountain, on the farm, damn sure wasn't my life! For awhile so I could survive I had to tell myself it was just like that so I could survive my childhood, I lied to myself to survive. As I grew older went to therapy, found out I could face the truth it hurts like hell at times but again it gets better, the process gets better. So today was a bit of a struggle but I made it through another day. I'm a bit anxious because I do know that I will be going back east in another week or so I'm going to finish this. I've got to move through it to get to the other side of me, the new me! I've decided I will hold my head high face all the people my father has slandered me too, some love me and know the truth others don't they've chosen to believe the worst the untruth. But I'm going with dignity, strength and grace, to close up the house get them the items that will bring them comfort.

I will go nuts while I'm there a few times I'm sure, feel like I'm failing or wrong to have gone, collapse from exhaustion, feel negative feelings about everyone! But there is a spiritual gift on the other side of this that awaits me I can feel it! I have to push through what I'm feeling now get to the other side of this with as much kindness, forgiveness, love as I can find for me. I'm looking for me the new me, the me that I will raise up, spend the rest of my days with. Who makes choices from a different self esteem reference then the one I've lived under, because I let them define me! Yep I will be going back to find the gift, in me, that is me! Still hesitating BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS! As usual thanks for listening just had to get that out! I'm good cop now though !!!!! LOL
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zoolife..you are way strong enough to do this! Everything you get done is one more thing behind you. I used the think that everyday past is one less day they could torture people. It's true :) I'm thinking that tuna can picture is getting me through this particular night. She threw at fit at a waitress tonight. heh heh, she is crossing that fine line into crazy more and more.. and at her age she's NOT gonna like the consequences....GOOD LUCK on your trip. My satan is in my house right now. Her neighbors want her out of her house, can't blame them. I'm telling you when you picture the little red horns and the red face and the little picthfork stabbing into my foot, it's pretty powerful, it reduces their might power down to NOTHING. You are on the right path. don't look back and I have plenty of good comebacks for them, just ask.
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Awesome, Zoo, just awesome!!! You can't fail with that attitude. Sure, it isn't easy going back and facing them, it isn't easy dealing with the memories and PTSD. In my most recent counselling session, I finally told the therapist something I had never told anyone. It has taken me a long time to get that out, about 60 years, t a burden shared is a burden halved. BUT, it is a whole lot better than living under their control. It means YOU have a life, of your own choosing, your own making. Is it perfect? NO, but it is yours.

I am so glad you realise it won't be easy. That is being realistic, But you also have tools to get through it, and you will, and feel good about it, Be sure to look after yourself as it will be hard on you emotionally and probably physically.

Oh my word, you are the good cop! That's awesome. I remember one summer when mother took a down turn. Between my sis, my daughter and I we took turns being Curly, Mo, and Larry. One was the golden girl, one was the black sheep and one was ignored. It switched almost weekly. I was disinherited that summer, my daughter was the golden girl at one point and most of mother's inheritance went to her children - my grandkids - against my daughter's wishes, But it changed again and finally settled down that fall.

You are a smart cookie, Zoo. Doing great - definitely worthy of blue tights and tuna cams LOL. Better add some magic bracelets to deflect the toxic bullets.
Big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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mbvargo - I know the feeling. Mother has one foot in sanity and one on a banana peel and is sliding slowly down. She is very strong, but not strong enough to halt the slide and she won't take the meds for the paranoia. In some ways it is a waiting game, till it gets worse, but at the same time you have to protect yourself as they can be pretty destructive along the way. Interesting what you said about her not going to liking the consequences. That is very close to what mother's case manager said to me if/when mother gets worse and has to be placed elsewhere "she is not going to like it." ((((((hugs))))) to you - another KAG for sure,
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Oh Ms. Emjo, what a difference a day makes! Funny you should speak of disinheritance. I think the bad attorney got to my aunt she is now being adversarial to good new attorney wanting a more controlling roll as POA now that she knows (the aunt) that dad drew up a new will and she's getting money! I've lost that Loving Feeling again! Back to livid, my dad doesn't remember signing any of this and he was deemed incompetent during the time this was done how can this be. Now I have to file for guardianship and conservatorship as the good attorney said the aunt is unwilling to work with her on selling the house or paying me to come help. I'm just livid, heartbroken and sick of the insanity, greed. Just when I thought is was going to be a better day! Crap didn't expect it this soon.
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Zoo, believe me I know. I am in the middle of a sh*t storm too. As far as I am concerned, the money has to be the last consideration and our own survival the first. I am livid today too, on several accounts. It must be going around. But we will surmount this too. Put on the magic bracelets, the tuna cans and the blue tights. Blue nail polish helps too - very empowering. lol To add to it, it is minus 24F here and my chest gets sore just sticking my face outside the door to get the mail. I am soooo p*ssssed offff. I may record my mother's voice mails - 8 so far today, and share them with the mental health nurse. Competent????? You bet! NOT!!!! Just have to figure out how to record them. Probably my computer would pick up voicemail. Never one phone call - always at least 3 and up to 9 a day.

I hear you. I am sick of the insanity - and feel like smashing something.
My best girlfriend - knew her over 45 years died in a car crash just before Christmas - doesn't help.

You and I will get through this.

Saw this on face book from a page called "Queen of Your Own Life". There are some writings called Queenisms -

example -

“There had been friends and family who had caused her a world of anger and hate. She decided it was time to take back her power by using this simple action and phrase, “As I breathe in calm and breathe out anger, I set myself free from other people’s toxic drama. She was most definitely Queen of her own life.”

Here is another one

Life had indeed smacked her around a bit but she didn’t need to wallow in it anymore. She made the choice to stop being and feeling like a victim and to call herself what she was, a brave survivor. So sayeth the warrior Queen.

From one warrior Queen to another - we may be bruised and down a bit, but we will rise again. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Emjo, so funny, thanks for the visual blue tights, tuna cans and magic brackets LOL. I'm thinking maybe we should add a tiara in the mix LOL. Yep what a day, sorry for your day at the beach nightmare. So sick of the drama, fathers sister sent good attorney an email this afternoon now stating that she is relinquishing the DPOA,that she realizes she could appoint a guardian with the power she processes but won't. She also added she knows that good attorney is working for me so she (the twisted evil sister) can't talk to her, ( what does that mean or matter if the twisted sister isn't up to something else devious). Twisted sister said she's giving up DPOA effective immediately, hummmm. So good attorney is filing for guardianship and conservatorship to get them moved as twisted caring sister has left my parents sitting alone in the nursing home as she's deserted them. I can't stand my family right now, how pitiable! I'm sick of waking up to another day of what the Hell now!

But your right Emjo this Warrior Princess is going to keep getting up and moving forward! Thank God and I hope and pray the Killer Ants (the twisted sisters) are out of the picture for good!

It would appear that the Killer Ants thought they were all getting 33% each of the will maybe they are not sure no one knows now. Killer Ant was asked to get good attorney a copy of the will, that's when good attorney got the email stating I Killer Ant one am no longer DPOA take my name off the paperwork, what is going on! Seems Killer Ant wanted more control as DPOA yet something made her change her mind and want to walk away, not sure what's going on. Good attorney will call evil attorney for paperwork Killer Ant one is referring too as new will written where I was ousted, after guardianship is filed to see what is going on.

Any thoughts as to what the flyin phannie could the Killer Ants be up too! LOL this is really starting to get ridiculous!
I've decided if there is an inheritance left for me I will take my break down off hold and check myself into the Adult Children's Caregiver Recovery Unit for treatment and electric shock therapy to jump start my life again, if I survive this!
Big ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) back to you too EMJO ALL OF YOU! Find the humor in the insanity it helps!
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Man.. you should consider that money water under the bridge at this point and RUN THE OTHER DIRECTION. FAST. Change your name and phone number. I just took satan back to her lair. I am doing the happy feet dance. yahoo. Here is my strategy, I thought of it when I was about 12. Get some giant 60 foot high boundaries impervious to ridicule, drama or pity. Surround with a moat about 60 feet across and 100 feet deep. Fill it with alligators and piranha. On top of the boundary put barbed wire and anti aircraft missiles. Put on your tiara, tuna cans and tights. Get some really bright lights to shine on the crazies. Top the boundary with ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS. Now dare the crazies to come aboard. It works like a charm. Killer Ant ran away because she realized she was going to have to take crazy to buy a car right? Evil attorney might also be on the hook for springing them loose and getting them a car.. he might just run also. No one wants the crazies in THEIR hair right? People are always stepping up to tell me how to deal with my mother hahahaha then they RUN LIKE HELL AWAY FROM HER......
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Funny Zoo, I was thinking about a tiara too when I wrote - gold or diamonds - what do you think?

Your family is screwed - MAJOR screwed, Zoo, How did you ever come out of that mess???

Give yourself a break once in a while - just put your mind onto something else. Like Eddie used to say "Kick them out of your head, they aren't paying rent" - or something like that. Glad you have a good attorney, BIG help.

twisted sisters and killer ants - love it., You have a great imagination!!! Can just see them running around like ants... I have no idea what they are up to. I have stopped trying to figure out the crazies. It only makes me crazy. Yes it is ridiculous - can you imagine a staging it? Would make a great play, especially if you could keep a funny slant on everything.

You will survive it - you are a warrior princess. Tiara's it is -maybe we start with silver and graduate to gold and diamonds.

If there is an inheritance, I would catch a cruise to the Caribbean and enjoy the sights and the sun/ Heck - lots more fun than EST!

(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to you too, and do something good for you today! You are some survivor!!!

mbvargo I LOVE the image of the moat. I have had that and the alligators, and a drawbridge, but you have taken it so much farther. Amazing ... piranas barbed wire, anti aircraft missiles, bright lights and friends. Now that can't be topped!. The imagination is a wonderful thing. You have developed some great survival tools. I think you go straight to a gold tiara!

One of my strategies is to imagine a brick wall between me and mother. | even planted climbing roses on it. Nice to look at and they have thorns.

We need to find a place of safety in ourselves. Those of us with a crazy childhood has anything but safety in our families and homes, It was a scary place at times, and just plain unpleasant at the best.

We are tributes to the survival instinct - wonder women, warrior princesses and queens, the walking wounded - limping sometimes, but always moving forward.

a few more queenisms

When we say no to the many, many requests that clamor for our attention and time, we are saying yes to the things that are stuck in our hearts. What’s in your heart just waiting for the space in your life?

She vowed to get her swagger back and decided from this moment on, she would not be invisible.

She desperately needed to detox from people pleasing and her most important tool would be the word “No” spoken with love.

She wanted other people to treat her with kindness, love and respect. So she decided to treat herself that way to show them how to do it.

I am honoured to know every one of you. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))) and blessings
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mbvargo, Emjo, you guys crack me up thank you all for the chuckles! mbvargo yes moves straight to the Gold Tiara no doubt! Ok new day decided to take all the fabulous coins my mother bought from TV commercials, Publishers Clearing House, and God know's where else to the coin, exchange dealer down the street! OMG, bless my mothers demented little heart I knew it was bad but Oh Lord. She paid 80.00 for coins worth 2 dollar, .25 there was one for 18.00 dollar LOL. Mother said they were for my retirement (((((( I'm still laughing))))))) Oh man it was horrible so for maybe 1500.00 spent I got 148.73 for my retirement Damn Happy about THAT, So proud I come from financial Wizards .... Still laughing!!! I told mother for years I think you may need some help mother with the finances, you would have told I drowned the cat she got so upset! I am taking your advise mbvargo boundaries to imperious drama at least I hope so. I signed the paperwork today handing over guardianship of demented 1 and demented 2 over to the attorney, Hot Dog now I'm going to be GOOD COP! Really that attorney won't let you do What, awhhhhhh! I just hope Crazy Killer Fire Ants don't come out of their mound, along with bad attorney Cruella de Vil for another go round!!!!!

Really do feel better, yet I'm still wading through the muck of the clean up for my folks their, house, and my dad is going to go Ape Poo Crazy once he figures out if he figures out he's lost his rights! But that's just how it is and who knows what the morrow will bring? Damn I go straight into panic attack mode lately at first sign of day light upon awakening after a restless nights sleep, sounds so sad, LOL, my heart mound like Ricky Ricardo's BaBaLouuuu! I like the idea for a screen play this may be the ticket! Chow....... Keep the crazy talk coming some forums you just got to laugh, Thanks again guys for the chuckles!
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Well, zoo, how thing change - good cop again! Wow a whole $148.73 for your retirement. Way to go.

You do sound better. I am so glad. Hopefully the anxiety will decrease. Breath deep, Say to yourself it is only demented 1 and 2 (I like the lower case). I don't think the killer ants can do anything once the attorney has the power. They can try to raise sh*t, but I would just let them go at one another and stay strictly uninvolved. There is voice mail on your phone for a reason, and the sky doesn't fall in if you don't answer and even if you don't call back later. I am just refusing to involve myself in the crazies. If your dad goes Ape Poo Crazy that is his problem. Don't let him make it yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
from Queenisms again:

Drama begets drama. But you can leave the theater. If a ranting negative Nellie is without an audience, her drama will have less power over us.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, here’s another way of saying it. We’re not saying that you should abandon your loved ones or walk away from your friends. We’re saying that when we’ve done everything we can to help a drowning person but that person is more invested in causing drama than in grabbing the lifesaver, then it’s important to get in your own lifeboat and row a safe distance away. You can occasionally sound the horn and let them know that comfort and safety is available if they reach out, but you don’t need to go down in the wake.

Here’s to less drama and more calm seas in 2014.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and a big AMEN to that!

Jessie how are the house plans coming along?

♥ Love and blessings to all ♥
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Emjo this is "Take Back Our Power Year in 2014" Blue tights, Tiara's, Tuna Cans, and the like LOL! Watching Time Warner Classic Movies, enjoying total escapism, it's working!
Back at ya, Love and Blessings to All!
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