My marriage is falling apart since I have been taking care of my mom.

I am sorry to hear that. My mother passed away 5 years ago. She was only 67, but the last 5 years were so hard on her. When the illness goes on for so long, it can seem unreal when it was over. I had mixed feelings from sadness to relief. And then guilt because I felt relief. Now, I remember and honor the good memories. I try not to remember her in her last years. I know that is not how she would want us to think of her. Last year, Hospice was selling beautiful butterfly ornaments at the mall for fundraising. They were so good to my mom, I bought one on the spot. I don't know why, but it just reminded me of her and made me happy.

My condolences to you.

Give yourself time to heal. Being a little numb is OK right now. Draw strength from your husband's love.

((((((hugs)))))) trista. When someone passes feeling numb is normal. Is there a grieving group in your community you could go to - if not now. later. It may be too soon now. Just do what you have to do. I imagine there are things of your mother's that need sorting out. It is the last work you will do for her, other than honour her memory in the coming years. Look after you, spend time with your husband as you can now. Give yourself a break -you have been working hard and grief is hard work too. Plan a simple Christmas, and remember her at that time. Your life will come back together again. Right now you are in shock. Be good to you - you have done well. ((((((hugs))))Joan

Concentrate on doing things with your husband. Build back the time you lost with your husband caring for your mother. It takes time to heal from loss, but it does get easier. Making a memory book about her might help. Scrapbooking is very theraputic.

I jest wanted to let everyone know my mom passed away on Tuesday the 11 of Dec right now I'm lost I don't know what to do and I feel numb anyone who.lost someone can you give me advice on what to do now

Things are going a little bit better even though we are still not getting the time we need her husband is still here but plans on leaving again soon which will make things so much better even though my mom will miss him being physically here he does not give her the physical attention anyway he stays in the other room and only talks to her when he has to i really hope he leaves sooner than later

It can be very difficult, but if you are doing the work, then you have the right to make the decisions about what you will and will not do. Caring for parents does not necessarily mean you cannot subcontract to others, or to a facility, nor does everything have to be done the way they prefer. Yikes! Since when is anyone entitled to have everything their way! Your marriage always comes first, always. That's in the Bible by the way. So it if is necessary to put parents into a facility, don't feel guilty about it. The local State Dept of Social Services should be able to help you figure out options - always keep in mind that you need to looking for the truth about things - don't just accept someone else's guess about the legal/financial issues.

Dear Hoping, I hope you had a good night!
I have a tendency to "explain" and "help" and I listen, and I care. I'm getting so burned out--
The MEN I know who have been in this role tell me to stop asking and start telling. To assume my role as leader and calmly explain how things will be and then do them. I think they are right.
What you need is respite. I'm not sure you will get it, but I see you are burned out. Having a husband would be great, just don't make everything between you about your relationship with your parents. Find the sparkle you share. You are not going to do your best if the two of you aren't well, so please keep an eye on that.
Hugs for you

This sounds like what I am going throught. My mother is getting worse and refuses to go to the dr. If i make her she will have an heart attact or stroke. i am trapped at their house about 1/4 mile away from mine. Where I stand is put them both in the nurseing home at a cost of 7-8,000.00 per month and the local home is not a good one. Or deal with this. She would have to be put under to even put her there. I am burn out as I can't go home for just a little while a day she gets scared. I love them but he broke his hip about 5 years ago and will not excerise or anything unless I make him I am running out of steam. going to the store to get them some things I have to run in and run out really fast. My husband is being good about this for he doesn't want them to move in with us which I totally understand. Bringing in outside help is out of the question at this time for my mother would be afraid of them and I would have to stay while they were there so why do it. I hate to give them up and I feel that them dying for me to get a break doesn't seem like a good thing . Sometimes I think it is so hard making it easier to turn loose. Like a teenager leaving home if they didn't act up it would be unbearable. I have tried to get them to move a trailer close to my yard so I could at lease be in my yard but they say no. People say set your foot down but sometimes you can't. Bringing in outside help would be wonderful but it has to be the close family members giving me a break and most of them are busy.This has become a prison for me but I love them and have been the only one in their corner many times they just don't know it. They have worked very hard and been very honest for me I am coming to believe that you get punished for being a good person. I have a garden and the internet is my only way to the outside world and have given up everything to help them which I know isn't fair but I am at a point I don't know what to do. Just hang in there and do the best i can even thought I know I am not doing it right I am giving it my best shot dealing with people who are so set in their ways is a problem. Hope everyone has a good week-end. Hang in there for this is the hardest job in the world.

If your mother is bedridden and needs so much help that your husband stays up with her until she falls asleep, how can she kill herself? And if she gets mad about the decisions you make for yourself and your husband and your marriage, what can she really do to you? She'll just have to feel angry for a while. She won't feel angry forever.

It's hard in our twenties to do things our parents don't agree with or that they don't like. But part of growing up is learning that they ahve their feelings and we have ours and they won't always be the same.

What good does it do your mother for you to be around all the time? Especially if there are other people coming by to do things, too? It won't hurt her if you set more boundaries so you can live your own life while still taking care of her.

I wish you strength to do the things you have to do.

In my opinion and I could be wrong, but the suicide threat is part of her emotional blackmail arsenal to keep you right where you are and to drag you and your marriage down with her. She sounds like she wants you to live in fear of her, to feel obligated to obey her every word, and to feel guilty for even saying that you want your own life. Look around you. You've already said that you are getting behind in your education, you own health, and your marriage are falling apart. Your sleep deprivation will eventually create health problems both physically and emotionally. Get your mother the help she needs even if she does not want it because otherwise you are throwing yourself, your marriage and your education not to mention your own future under the bus.

We jest started having CNA's come in about a week ago they come in monday wednesday and friday about 30 mins or so each time maybe a little longer if she needs a bed bath. They also come in tuesday thursday saturday and sunday twice a day for 30 min each time. The whole point of them comming in was so i could have time with my husband and accually get out of the house for an hour or so but they never stay as long as they are suppose to because the first three weeks they will be here alot but after that they are suppose to come in 3 times a week for a couple of hours. I feel this isnt going to work because they only stay if there is something to do right when they get here if not they leave. As for my school this is my third week being back in school and its already suffering because i dont get the time i need to do it. My mom has a sister but she doesent have the time to help and my brothers live too far away to help. As for her husband i hope he does not come back because he dosent help her anyway he was jest living off her ssi check. My husband helps so much he gets off work at 2am and stays up with her until she falls asleep between 4am and 7am then he goes to bed and gets up at 1pm to get ready for work. On his day off i usually get to try and catch up on sleep for a few hours. As i only get around 5 good hours to sleep a night. I am so exasted all of the time. My friends and family dont understand how i can miss him so much when i do see him every night which am greatful for because a couple weeks ago he had to stay at our apartment a few nights a week to save on gas. We are still trying to find time to move out of our apartment. Anyway as for my mom going to a nursing home i couldent do that to her plus she wouldent go she has said if she has to go she would kill herself. Which i dont want to be the cause of that. Its all to much i feel bad telling her i want to get out out of the house because she tells me well i would like to get out to then i feel bad because its not as easy as jest going out side because i cant transfer her by myself.

When we mentioned to MIL that obviously she needed more help than we could offer and we would start looking for facility for her, she got better! I noticed the pattern that she became much more ill when she didn't think we were all sympathizing 100% of time. Like when I suggested that she may be able to walk more soundly if she went with me to water physical therapy, and she declined. Of course my husband didn't want to see it, but he supported me in my plan to call her bluff. She may be depressed, she may just be okay ruining your marriage so she has a "pal". She may be having a reaction to a medicine (I had reaction to meds I took for years, suddenly I had severe MS symptoms that took years for Dr to figure out). My point is, there could be many reasons for her ailment, not all physical. Please listen to your husband, talk to her physicians then require her to have some kind of activity that would improve her quality of life. Most of all, along with your husband, regain control of your house, Good Luck

tristapascoe, you are too young to be saddled with caregiving a bedridden person and no one is the right age to live in a house with someone who makes them feel like they can never do anything right.

For everything there is a season. This is your season to get your education and to build a strong marriage, possibly for the basis of a future family. You need to take that very seriously. Your twenties won't come around again.

If you are in school now you are probably used to doing some research. This is a way you can help your mother. Find out what she is eligible for. Disability payments? Medicaid? Help from the county social services office? Spousal support? Do the research to find out what is available to her, so you do not have to do the caregiving 24/7.

One of the difficulties of living in your parents' home when you are a young adult is that it can be hard to move out of the child/parent roles. (I've seen much older men and women have problems with this, too.) You do not need your mother's permission to spend time with your husband. If she cannot be left alone in the house, you do not need her permission to have someone else stay in the house while you and hubby go out for the evening. (Did your mother ask your permission before she got a babysitter?) Do do not need to do everything exactly the way she wants it done. If you are cooking meals now, you cook them your way, just as you would if you and your husband were living in your own home.

This is your season to become independent, to become interdependent with your husband, and to cut the apron strings with your mother.

Good luck to you. Come back and let us know how you are doing.

Thanks for your kind comments. They are really appreciated, cause I really need a "boost" and to know there are others who are going through the same thing. My husband is really a kind and caring person and helps me so much. I think he was just disappointed that I would say something like "pushing up daisies" because he
was trying to boost my spirits at the time. Sorry I stated it that way! Mom has lived with us for 2 years and been at "death's door" so many times and has amazed her doctor at how she bounces back. Some compare caring for the elderly like taking care of a baby and I have to disagree, because a baby moves forward and learns and the elderly go backward and forget what they have learned. I know it is only going to get worse, and I guess when it does I will have to think about placement. Right now I feel it is my duty or obligation to take care of her since I am an only child, at least, until it gets until I can't do it any more. I am not as young as I used to be and really would like to be able to take care of my family later on. I just pray God leads me to do the right thing, when the time is right. Thanks for your kindness!

chloesgrams, I really don't like your husband's response to your comment about pushing up daisies. I don't think that he really heard what you were saying.

It sounds to me like it is time for a different level of care for your mother and that is not in your home if possible. Her dementia sounds bad and it is only going to get worse. I hope you can find a way to reclaim your life.

I feel the pain both of you are going through. My MIL has been with us a few months now, and it is depressing to think this could go on for years. I know my husband is miserable. He wants to help his mother, but she can be so difficult. She also does not like either of us going anywhere or even not in the same room as her. We are trying very hard to stick to our normal routines and not give in to the guilt traps. The way I look at it, you cannot predict what will make her mad. (Seriously, not buying the brand of dish soap she prefers can set off a tizzy fit.) so, if you can't predict why bother trying to avoid it. We go out with our friends eventhough it makes her mad. We do our own thing around the house, and do not force ourself to sit and watch her programs every night. I am NOT changing the way we live to match what she wants. It is still frustrating at times, but we don't feel like we have lost total control.

I am so sorry and feel for you! I don't have an answer, but if I did, I would gladly share it and use the answer for myself! I know exactly where you are coming from and my daughter tells me we should have set our foot down earlier to prevent the interference that is going on in our household.

We are becoming "trapped" in our own home, except when my husband goes to work, lucky him! Right now I would pay to go to work to get out of the house! It used to be Mom was OK staying by herself or even if one of us was at home, she was content. Now, I can't even get out of the house to down my outside work. Our daughter says it is my fault for letting her get the upper hand. If I leave the house for any reason, my husband has to play 20 questions with her! Our daughter suggested a dry erase board for me to write down where I am going, so she wouldn't have to ask all these questions. She forgets or don't pay any attention or even understand when we do tell her anything. An example, I had to take my car to the garage to have the airbags reconnected where they had unconnected them while putting in a new radio, so my daughter decides we need a Mother/Daughter day, since she works all the time and we never get to spend any time together and it was her birthday. My husband got home from work about 4 hrs before I got back in, so she had someone with her, not like being alone. I had written on the dry erase board where I had gone, when I had left and it would probably take a long while. My husband walked in and she handed him the board and said, did you see this? Just where is this garage? He just said, over in town.
All we get done is tell "fibs" or like my husband says is, lie! She doesn't need to know where or what we are doing, in my opinion, because she forgets as soon as we tell her!

My husband is a very compassionate, caring man who is my best friend. He has always told me, well it's a good thing we can laugh it off, cause if we couldn't we would be hurting. I would tell him all of the miserable things that had happened to me that day and he would always be supportive or not comment very much about what I had told him. Now, I think it is "getting under his skin", because he keeps re-telling me all the stuff she says when I am out. I don't want to give in to her every whim, just because she wants it that way, like staying home and never getting out any. She is able to stay by herself for me to get out and do things. She has dementia and I guess it is seriously getting worse. She is 94 yrs old and pretty "feeble" , especially her mobility and mind! We have to go out to eat or to the grocery store or Walmart after I get her to bed, which could be anywhere from 5 in the evening until 10 o'clock. Seems like she has ESP when she knows we need to go do chores, run errands or just get out of the house!!

Our daughter is a Physician Assistant and she said you just need to tell her this and that and so on. I said how can we tell her this or that, because just in no time, she will have forgotten, or don't understand anyway, and the dry erase board doesn't even work any more! I am just about to go stark raving crazy! My husband and I snuck out the other evening just to get a hamburger and just making conversation I said, I've done come to the conclusion that I will be "pushing up daisies" when Mom is still going strong! Wow! He really got hot! He said "don't ever talk like that again"! I said "well, that is the way I feel. She is moving right along and I am the one going down hill"!

Thanks so much for listening! I could go on and on, but this is a summary of what I am going through. If anyone has an answer or a pep talk for me, please let me know, because I can't get much lower down than I am right now. Any answers or help will be so much appreciated! Thank you!

Loving your Mother and taking care of her should not endanger your marriage. You should not have to give up your life to be a caregiver. Are there other family members you can ask to help out and at least free up your weekends so you can enjoy some time with your husband? Taking care of your health and your marriage is your number priority.

Talk to her doctor about home health care available. If she has the money or on Medicaid some of the services would be free. She may well be eligible for Hospice and whatever services your local ALS group may provide.

This sounds mean but if your Mother is not divorced from her husband, she should contact a lawyer and get that going; perhaps there would be spousal support available to help with her care.

You have to take control of the situation now. Wishing you all the best. Blessings!

A married woman does not need her mother's permission for privacy. Set some boundaries and take some time for yourself as well as for your husband and you. If need be and it can be paid for, get someone to come in a sit with her. It sounds to me like your mother is using emotional blackmail on you when she ought to be grateful for your help.

I doubt too that her husband will return, but I don't understand why she is being so mean to you. Has she always been like this?

She was bedridden before he walked of she has been going down hill for 18 months and she cannot walk because of having no muscle in her legs the doctors think it may be ms of als they are still figuring things out she wants her husband to come back but he wasent there for her for years but she swares she needs him i dont understand how she can think this when he wouldent even tell her he loves her now i feel like i am not doing anything right no matter how hard i try she makes me feel like im not doing good plus me and my husband havent had time together since i started taking care of her even if i ask her if we can have an hour alone to go to our room and jest have us time she makes us feel bad i jest dont know what to do

Your mother is very young to be bedridden and you are young to have to look after her when you have your own marriage and education to work on.

Did your mother become bedridden before or after her husband walked out on her. Was there some significant even in your mother's life? Is she depressed and this inability to walk psychosomatic?

Does your mother have any brothers or sisters? If so, where are they in all of this mess?

I think you and your husband need to see a therapist to sort things out for it sounds like he is feel abandoned and you are feeling overwhelmed.

Could your mother apply for disability?