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Mom stated on my BD t hat she hates, wants me dead wants to kill me etc etc. I started trying t get her tested for alchzmers or dementia. i make an appt she refuses was always a reason. her behavior has gotten worse over the last year. last week i caught her putting her evening meds in my gall of kool aid. me stomach had swollen i was to the point i couldn't drive &was peeing brown. Yes when i caught her i yelled at her is freaked me out. next morning she gets up sits down gets back up after the coffee was boiling got a cup and threw it on me burning my chest, not badly but it was red. well i lost it again we went in the liv rm. i tried talking and she reached down in the side of her recliner and i thought she was going for her chefs knife... i jumped up restrained her. before i could get her strained she clawed my chest, punched me in the lung, & kicked me in my vagina. She had spent t he day explaining how it was ok my dad had slapped me down a table at 2 and her ex husband had molested me at 14 and she left me with him to fly to Denver,,, after all we do what we have to do to survive. etc etc. even reminded me how she would tie me to the bed. Things i never wanted my son to know abt her or me. He is mentally ill and i keep a lot abt my family hidden to him. I know this sounds crazy but i lived it all this last week and it was painful. So after that she jumps up says want to take a bath. which kinda shocked me.. so i followed her in there and she was trying to take a face down header into my tub and not use all the rails installed ard it. so i grab her again and she starts screaming to my son i was drowning her. i wasn't there wasnt but an inch of water int he tub. she sits there for a min and i go get her robe and panties hand them to her she dresses a nd says she cant snap up the robe. well i try to snap it and she is wiggling backwards and reaches up starts hitting herself int he eye screaming my sons name i was punching her he was there said no nana you are doing that finally i don't know how we all got out of there & she went to bed. next morn she says cat ate an 18in piece of plastic & left to go to vet. gets back a couple hours later says vet sending her to another town. we live in rural Okla. well at 1:45 i find out phone off the hook had my son check the phones and she has the one in her room off the hook. I call vet get inst. go out check her cars oil and etc because that place is at 1.5 hrs away and nothing between here & there. she throws the cat in the car and herself starts the car and it cant start i have the cap of teh oil to add oil and the dip sticks out. she jumps out runs 1/2 block away to the neighbor screaming elder abuse & call the sheriff. Well she comes back gets in her car drives back to the neighbor waits 2 hrs for the sheriff who talks to her comes over talks to me says yeah mom is changed something wrong call APS on Monday. in meantime she leaves he says she is getting a hotel in town & we have a nite off and leaves. 6AM i fond mom wondering my house the following morning seems she says the sheriff told her to sleep in my driveway... sighs. well i get the cat call the vet in a closer town get mom and my son into her car we drive there get the meds her cat needs and then over to another town to get her meds filled.. she was out well we get there send my son in with m CC and she leans over punchs me in the breast jumps outta the car and runs in there screaming elder abuse. Well the cop in that town was a complete jerk told me off the record i was a big ole girl and prolyl did t hat adn if anything else happens i was going to jail. refused to look at the burns, bruises and etc... cause she is old and i am a large fat woman i was in tears.felt liek i was in the movie deliverance. We get back home and guess what we drive up i go to my room and she calls the sheriff ...elder abuse again... well the neighbor calls APS and they get her.. since they got her last sat s he has been back to town talking to my neighbors in a town 40-50 people i am humiliated as i do not socialize with a lot here. she is now calling me wanting to come home crying and things.. but she has always been mean and manipulative and off the chart i thought people got old and calmed down not meaner. and i am scared of her and i am terrified i will loose my son over this or end up in jail because she is an excellent liar & actress. She is not frail she is acting. what do i do i am scared to death for her .. my son and myself. I am not a mean person i am just tired of all this and i can not take it anymore, she is destroying my life.

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I am sorry this is a book.. but i am scared and worried for her and m y son.. and i am finally unsure what to do or where to turn and i am unsure i want to be a caregiver to a person who is doing this for me
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You are unsure you want to be a caregiver to a person who is doing this to you? My gawd, woman, you should be absolutely sure that you DON'T want to be her caregiver!

Your profile says that she is living in your home. Do NOT allow her back. You do not deserve this continuing abuse, and you should protect your son from this disaster.

Have you talked to APS? Tell them that you can no longer take any responsibility for your mother's care. She cannot return to your home. You hope that they can arrange something for her, but you must look after your son.
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ummm when she cried tonite on the phone it made my heart hurt for her... i know it shouldn;t but it did. my brothers are done with her for what she did to them growing up and i am trying hard to keep her from being alone and no one to love her. I know this is stupid but it is struggle that is so hard. As for APS they are talking to no one esp me remember i am being accused of hurting her and i didn't do a thing.. but i still think this has to be an illness. I can not believe a mom can be like this .. I know i can not be liek this with my son because i just love him . They keep telling her according to Amy that she can not talk to me or be in my house or on my land. I guess the problem is this i know who and what she is but i still love her.. but i am scared of her and my son misses his nana. i feel like i am caught under a roof that is collapsing on my head and i do not know where to run. Actually i am unsure i can run i am nto sure what i can do but pray and honestly i don't think they are being heard. I have had several old timers here in town call me tel me to sell my place or abandon it and get outta town.. i cant i own th is place it is paid for... i have had a few drive by shake their fist at me a dn one even spit in my yard.. it has beenm bad but this is small town america and after all i am city woman adn fat to boot. i have only had the place for a few eyars now like 4.. plus i didnt go to church Sunday because i was just not in the mood to smile for this town and know what they thought of me even tho it is not true. I guess it gets me no one has said "Lisa how are you , are you ok."... and honestly i need it because no i am not ok not at all.. my apologies if i offended you with my book...i just don't know where to go anymore and i thought maybe here mite help
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Call the Area Agency of Aging in your county or city request a social worker to intervene. They can do assessment on your mother and make suggestions on her care. Next time your mother becomes aggressive call 911, then leave the house and wait outside. Do do not try to calm your mother or talk to her wait for the police. There should be something in your area that handles people who are aggressive due to mental illness or dementia so they can be evaluated and the right medications prescribed to handle them.This does not mean you have failed in any way what so ever. Your mother either has a mental illness or dementia or both and you need help to protect yourself and your son from serious injury as well as protecting your mother from hurting herself and others.Do not hesitate to make a 911 call...and as I said, do not talk further with your mother, just make the call and get yourself and your son out of the house until help arrives. The more you talk with her or try to reason with her the more difficult she will become. You can tell the social worker you do not responsibility of caring for her and they can help you. Like I said, it does not mean you have failed or done anything wrong, when dealing with aggression, mental illness or aggressive dementia patients, you must act quickly to protect everyone who is involved. I hope this helps and my heart goes out to you as I know how difficult this must be. Hugs to you and keep us posted!!
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before i forget Oklahoma has a law that if a person lives with you over i think 6 months receive mail at your address you can not kick them out and can be held liable for their debts .. that cop in Mtn View said if i tried any of this to get her out he would drive over here with the sheriffs permission and handcuff me put me in jail adn take my son. So i am locked in ... ican not move her out at all and i called an atty and they said a minimum of 10 grand to help me... i do not have t hat kind of money. I have spent the last 4-5 years not working and taking care of her and my son. My son after all these years is showing grand improvement because i am with him guilding him 24-7 and he will never be normal but he is not in a corner drooling all over hisself all day every day either now he actually has an opinion .. he is a great kid love him to death
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Sharynmarie... she is with APS now they just let her drive all over the place i think she is abt 2 hrs or 3 from here..... rural Oklahoma is not like living in a town or city we do not have local places for help.. the girl across the street amy is a social worker and she said i can not even talk to you any more it is a conflict of interest. honestly mom should nto even be driving at all she is on and off the side of the roads and all but you can drive 20 mins here maybe see a truck or car that's abt it it really is rural we raise wheat and cattle not towns and people
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The first consultation with an attorney is generally no charge. I suggest you seek the advice of an elder law attorney who specializes in the care of elder law. They may just be threatening you based on their own beliefs about caring for elderly family members. Do take action ASAP to protect yourself...get informed, search the internet for info do not rely on what others tell you! Talk with your mother's dr, do you have DPOA, I don't know Oklahoma's laws but if you can have your mother taken to a hospital ER, you should be able to insist on a social worker to intervene!! Tell the social worker you do want or accept responsibility and why...stand your ground because they will try to make you responsible because you are family...like I said, gather information so you are informed on your rights. Do not accept what they try to say because they will make you responsible if you are willing to back down and accept what they tell you.
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plus i forgot to mention she own 8 high breed Siamese cats she here .. i was warned if i dispose of them i will be held legally responsible i can not afford a 200 a month feed and litter bill not to say the vet bills..... she spends her money on her babies and i take care of the rest which is go big deal but i can not afford her cats either. I know this all sounds crazy but this is my life. well what my life has become in 4 years
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i did and it was free and he said what it will cost to make it all stop. In Oklahoma if a person refuses medical help that's just that ...i have tried it al ready and she refused to get in the ambulance and they left.. you can not force medical care in Oklahoma.. This state is completely backwards. i do not have a medical POW. right now i honestly think they are building a case against me and my only witness to it all is my son. and the atty said that when it happens i will need help... after all this mess i kinda believe it.
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I would still contact the Area Agency of Aging in Your county...they should be able to help you. Of course you can not do that until Monday, ....so take some deep breaths and try to calm yourself. What county do you live in???
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I don't know who is giving you all of this advice, but she sounds like she's a danger to herself & others. Don't allow her back into your home. If the house belongs to her (or did belong to her) you and your son may have to move.
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If a person lives with you, you become liable for their debts? I don't think so!!! (Maybe you are confusing this with common law marriage ... I don't know about that. But that does not apply here.) And you can't kick them out? Not true!! Maybe you need to go through a formal eviction process, but that is a far cry from not being able to kick them out.

Your situation is tough enough. Please don't make it worse by believing every discouraging thing anyone tells you.
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You have been given information. It is up to you to get current information regarding your state and county. It sounds like you are too afraid to move forward.
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Kiowa county in Oklahoma .. i did just get off the 411 and they said there is no listing for that
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@ horserider....no i own this house completely. 100% mine. i have the deed it was never hers. So far aside from one atty who told me it will cost abt 10,000 to fix this mess, i have spoke to one sheriff he said call APS on Monday but mom escalated this to the point that by Saturday afternoon she is in the care of APS already. and a cop from Mtn View he wants me in jail because i am big and fat and etc he just a over zealous kid with power, reliving Deliverance and really has no idea what is going on and of course the gossip running thru town a mile a minute which i am avoiding not even my son went to church last Sunday and another person said by not going to church and acting normal it makes me look guilty. No one is talking to me but a c ouple the old timers who know Mom says says she is crazy as her Mom. They say to just ignore her and this whole mess it will go away on its own,
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@leanne... no there is what apparently are called Blue Laws in Okla. and this is one of them. I know th ese are in place to protect the elderly and i agree if we error in laws lets error on the side of chyldren, and elderly folks. I was made aware of the law by the cop in Mtn View and the atty i spoke to in Clinton confirmed it. Also because i never charged her rent and there is no lease agreement it w ill take a yard of ribbon 10.000.00 worth to straighten it out. Yesi am afraid to move forward because i do not want anyone to get hurt.. even thru all this i love my mom and i i know in the logic part of my brain i should just avoid her but in my family everyone else has washed their hands of her and she will be completely alone in this world and i do not think that is right either... stupid i know but i have a heart the size of Texas
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Area Agency on Aging South Western Oklahoma for Kiowa County 800-627-4882
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You are getting some awful information. Blue laws have mainly to do with the sale of liquor on Sunday and other activities that appear to insult the Lord's Day. In a few states this even includes serving legal notices. Most Blue Laws have been repealed or are completely ignored in most states.

Not to be rude, but having a heart the size of Texas and being smart about your own safety are two different things!

You cannot change your Mother but you can change YOUR life before it is too late! Your Mother has made her own choices in her life and it is unfortunate her mind is now ravaged by disease or mental illness.
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I think that there are two possibilities about your mother. 1) She is severely mentally ill, and has been as long as you've known her. If this is the case, you are not equipped to care for her. You do not have the training, knowledge, or skill set.
Or 2) She is simply evil. In that case your heart the size of Texas makes a good target. You and/or your son could wind up wounded or even dead.

Does that huge heart include love for yourself? For your son?
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I do hope you read this thread again, your safety and the safety of your son is primary.
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ok let me address each response with a heart felt thank you last nite i felt alone tonite i think maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel but i t hink i owe each of you a huge thank yo because my soul is out here to be seen by all and i feel vulnerable... but i feel like i have guides to the future :)
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Shary thank you so much i was looking again today and still didn't find that number but i will; call it Tuesday.
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littletonway yes they have Blue laws in Texas not here in Oklahoma.. however i shortened what the atty said she called them blue hair laws.. i think that was supposed to be encompassing so i understand that the elderly live under different rules then the rest of us.. maybe was a kinda joke but i am not laughing anymore.. Doesn't matter i do not have 10,000.00 to fix this anyways. I think you are right there is something wrong and i am afraid i can not help her. Did i let my Grandmother down.. i don't know after all she said Lisa there is no one to look after your mother or want her you have to do this.. i think i know why. i think i choose me and my son and my grandmother has passed on so i guess she will have to understand .. i don't know. i really do not know i just feel like i let her down and she never let me down but Mom is more then i can take care of and surely my Grandmother will understand if there is an afterlife or something. thank you for taking a few moments of your time to help me i so appreciate it :)
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Jeannie this are the points i am fighting with myself abt.. even if it is a disease i do not think i have that skill set.. working with my son is all i ahve left or m aybe want to have. After all he did nto ask to be born and not with what is wrong with him. Plus he is a gift from God.... my mom on the other hand if it is an illness she attacks me. Lies to me and etc now that she is old. My youth altho we had money and lots of it was horrible.... a gilded cage of torture so as i grew up i decided i wanted nothing if it made me like her. Yes i am stupid i thought when she got old it was finally time i could be the loving daughter and finally earn her love ... some things are just not meant to be adn childhood dreams need to be laid aside and i have to accept this is her. Is she evil yes as a kid she was... now i think she is just that woman i ran from and nothing abt her is different other then she is old. I was working out in the yard and i thought OMG it was all a joke to punish me for the rest of her life..... i was stupid and let it happen. but i would rather be a loving person then this person she is. I found out today a lso there is a whole bunch stuff she did yesterday to me and i didn't realize till i got back in this afternoon. Altho i don't want her back i feel bad she is sick... but what is she is not sick and this is just her??? What if this is my all my life mom and because i am so close to it i have let it happen because i want what is not there. Well i dunno.. but thank you so much for all teh replies and help i sincerely do appreciate it .. i do think i am going to get counseling after all this what is wrong with me to let this happen and trust a person who did all this and t hink i could see her thru her elder years and finally get what i ever wanted.. my moms love... she just used me and has almost destroyed me because i wanted to be and do the right things for her. after ll if she cared wouldn't she have gotten the test find out what is wrong??? isn't that really love???
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Sharlyn... yes many times before i replied i see a stupid woman who got played and had managed to endanger herself and child for a parent that is using her. The boiling coffee again could have been terrible results... the knife inexcusable t hat it should have even been in the chair to be grabbed at. the bathroom,, the meds in my kool aid,,, i should have been aware and cautious after all she tried salt petering my brothers food and i busted her there and she has a history of assault with a chefs knife since i was a kid.... why did i think her loving me was so important above any thing else. I thought i could make a difference instead i am up to my neck with problems. yes our safety is my primary issue however i can not save my son if she lies and some one thinks i would do this crap. she is playing the ultimate game with my life and i thin with y'alls help i can find a way to put a legal stop to her. I should never have let her live with us my plate is kinda full already as it is and i can never get what i need from her so i need to move on... is a world of professional caregivers to help her it just can not be me any more. btw.. thank you also for you many responses i really am thankful there are so many people like you that will take a moment and help me and give me hope. I guess i am not the only person in the world going thru all this but last nite i felt i was .. thank you again :)
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plus i am reading this and i realize i ramble and spell wrong and well proper english i out the window. i am not illiterate but i am at the lowest rung in my life. Thinking and typing thru the tears is almost impossible. But i need to let this pain out because when i leave my room my son can not see an ounce of worry on my face or a tear drop fall. It is really hard.. really hard
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Lisa~I was raised in an abusive household too.I saw my mom pick up bowls of hot food and break them on my father's head. Once she broke a bowl of pickled beets and I did not know if dad was bleeding or if it was the beets.My second oldest brother, mom would back him in a corner and slap the crap out of him and dare him to hit her back...he never did. He did however hit my dad in order to protect mom from dad...mom had us so brainwashed against our father. My brother cries to this day about how he knocked out dad's tooth when mom was the problem not dad. The point I am trying to make is that a person who is mentally ill will poison you against other family members they see as a threat to you being loyal to them, plus they will use fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to get you to do what they want. Then they use a term known as gaslighting that messes up your mind and you think you have the problem not them. You become so attached to them because you are starved for love and affection and can spend your entire lifetime trying to get approval and acceptance from this person...unfortunately it doesn't happen. The good news is that you can learn to detach with love...this does not mean you no longer love them, it means that you can learn to not let their words hurt you. You can learn to set boundaries around your relationship, limit contact with them. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and stand your ground on what you will not accept by walking away from your mother, leaving the house ( with your son), do not talk to her until she can be respectful. Of course, depending on what exactly is wrong with your mother, medication is needed. Just because she is mentally ill, does not mean you have to deal with this because you are her daughter. If you call the Area Agency on Aging and explain to them how your mother behaves and that you want her out of your house, they will arrange for a social worker to come to your home and explain to your mother what her options are and assist her in getting another place to live. Ask them what you can do to protect yourself and son and follow what they tell you until they get your mother out. Also, there is another thread on this site I suggest you read it, it will take you several days because it is quite long but it is worth it especially in your situation. This thread is titled "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore", this thread was created by a woman named Lisa, it tells her journey of getting her mother out of her home. Keep us posted on what happens with you and your son. Your safety is important. Don't worry if you are rambling or not using or spelling words right. Continue to come and vent and cry here. You are worth it and so is your son. Just make that phone call and read the suggested thread, it may very well change your life and your son's as well. Hugs to you!!
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It sounds like you are getting a lot of bad advice locally, and a lot of folks trying to panic you. Hopefully there is free legal aide for low-income somewhere. I think the old-timers are right, and it will blow over if you let it.
The whole "I'm a fat city girl" thing only makes you a victim if you let it. Quit worrying about what people MIGHT think about you. Go back to church, resume your normal routine. Maybe call the pastor and ask for counseling (some pastors are amazing, some don't have that gift). Avoid saying bad things about your mother if you can. If asked you can truthfully say that you are trying to get help for her. If asked why you won't let her move back in you can honestly say that you are afraid for the safety of your son (avoid the temptation to splash around the lurid details, since that just keeps the gossip mill running). If people are looking for an elder-abusing lunatic they'll have a hard time looking at you (clean, presentable, polite, rational, "normal" mother, going about your normal routine) and matching it up with your Mom's description of you "abusing" her.
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@Shary// thank you i thought no one grew up as dysfunctional as us. I don' t mean it bad it brought tears to my eyes and heart for you but it made me see there is a way to deal with all this. She is out she just keeps coming back to town. We are headed back to church today not Sunday school. i do not know what i would have done without your note this morning my now new since of paranoia over facing the town again is over. i really honestly thank you for sharing and this evening i will read i t all.. it isn't like i an taking care of her she is in a place somewhere in Oklahoma.. prolly Lawton.. i don't know. Honestly i don't care the FOG was neat that is how i feel and i am tired of looking for what is not there for her i have tried for 6 years now and this is the result,,, police, my good name . my son and i do not feel safe and i just can not do this to us much less to me.
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@horserider.. well down here in farmland there isn;t much but you are right... bad advice now i am doubting a lot of all that has been said to me. I hope Mom letws it blow over i know it is completely over for me.. i am just done with her and I can no longer be her caretaker.... yes i feel bad but when i see my son saying wow Mom we can play music and no one is yelling at us i realize I am doing the right thing. Altho i think I am not so fond of his but i do listen to it also as he does mine cause we have lost music for 6 years now. trivial stuff but important op us. As for the big ole fat girl that w as said to my face by a cop "off the record" in Mtn View. the city girl is cause i am .. i moved here for my son i didn't think coming from t he city was a big deal but it is it took me over a year to get internet here. People are hard to change. I started a couple days ago just going shopping in town not the market yet ... did yard work 2 days in a row adn i am trying to resume normal.. altho it is hard i am out there what is the worse they can really do to me... talk that is it.. what is the old saying... sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. My son was at the post office and the girl there started questioning him and he told her.. sorry i am not involved and my mom is a great mom never hurt a soul and he left now he was shook up but he has made it as clear as i have we do not want to relive this. I did go to city hall made it clear i would NOT be selling my home or land. So t hey need to grow up get over it and we can all live happily. This morning we are going to services and let them talk they are just words nothing more. I tried to do the right things and i failed but ya know... i love living in the country and i love my son and myself i am starting to love again ... so i am crossing my fingers. thank you again for sticking thru this with me
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