Everyone tells me don't take it personally, but she calls my siblings and complains about me. I get depressed because she treats me so meanly. I feel over-stressed, and don't know what to do except cry. She was diagnosed with mild memory loss (Dementia. I do get respite from a CNA. Mom calls her when I'm right here and seems happier with her.
Are you able to go to counseling with her? If not, you need to vent more and refuse to become her VICTIM! You are feeling put upon, which is understandable, but you will start feeling more angry with YOURSELF if you take this crap on.
Are your siblings honest and loyal to you? Ask them to come over and do an intervention with mom. They need to let her know that they know about her abuse. If everyone is on the same page, she has no one to go to. Passive aggressives love to build armies because they are so WEAK. Do not doubt yourself and do something nice for you every day, or every week, whatever.
Create your very own BATTLE CRY! I stole mine from King Arthur's speech in First Knight: "I command you now to FIGHT! FIGHT! NEVER SURRENDER!"
It's a good one. Write one that suits you and repeat it often. Tell yourself how awesome you are, how strong you are, and that you will only grow in strength and wisdom from this caregiving experience. I have faith in YOU! xo
This morning I was busy doing the housework and laundry. I sat down for a minute and she told me the problem with me was I didn't have any interests and I was bored. I needed to get a job and get out more. Now, that would be good advice for someone who was young, not self employed or taking care of someone with dementia. The way she said it was like pointing out a character flaw. I simply told her that she didn't know how much work she was. That made her mad, but it was the truth. Foot put down on that one.
Remember that she's angry at her condition and afraid about the future. She shouldn't take it out on you, but you're right there. Try to realize that what she says is 98% emotional and only 2% factual. She's no longer the powerful person she was when you depended on her for everything, but you still think of her that way sometimes. So her words can really hurt. If you can see her as a child, who cannot control her own behavior, that might help.
You can also set limits for her, since she can't do it herself. "Mother, today I made your breakfast, lunch and dinner. I did two loads of wash and remade your bed. I got your pills for you, and turned the TV on for your favorite show. All because I love you. I know you don't feel well. But do you think you could say thank you to me?"
Or "Mother, I don't insult and criticize you. Please don't insult and criticize me."
Or the one I use on my husband: "If you ask nicely, I'd love to get you a cup of coffee."
Of course she's happier with the CNA. She's on her good behavior! She trusts you to love her even when she feels unlovable. Remember to love and praise yourself, and it MIGHT get easier.