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I wake up every day thinking today is the day i will get the call saying my mother has passed. Some days I think this would be such a relief and then i feel guilty about it. She has terminal cancer but is not sick yet and i want her to pass before she is in pain.

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Yes, but with differing views, some are tired and worn out and wish that the care giving would end, some hate to see a loved one failing, some, like you want to spare someone else suffering, some just want the insurance money, some really don't like the person and wish they would just die already, others feel the person has lived a full life and should be going along now to the other side. Death is the final act in a life however long or short. It is not a bad thing, just apart of ones existence. We will all die and there is a time to die and wishing someone would, whether nice or not nice, is inevitable for many of us. So I would say yes, a lot of people think this, don't over focus on it, accept your feelings and move forward, what else is there?...just time...
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I know exactly what you mean. I have my mom here at home with me and literally wake up each morning, and go about making coffee and stuff with one ear open, Just waiting to hear her start moving around. I dread it when I have to finally go into her room and check on her.
I know the day is coming that she will not be waking up, and I've got passed feeling guilty about it, but it's a heck of a way to start each day.
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Ah the dreaded cough.....Do you go through the motions of getting things ready and in your mind play out the scene where they don't get up and you call 911 and what you will have to say and the funeral arrangements etc?....just get to what you will wear to the funeral and cough cough....Not Dead...F)^*%!

Yeah so I am a miserable old trout I don't CARE!
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Jlynnfox - I do understand. My mother-in-law passed in May. It had become a waiting game. While feeling guilty for wanting her to pass on, she was in pain and out of her mind at 77 that the only relief for her would be death. Therefore my guilt. What a relief when we got the call she had finally passed!

On the other hand, I've had to deal with my father-in-law who was disappointed she didn't pass "on schedule" with his plans to have the funeral on a Saturday - (she passed on a Thursday and he had made the arrangements on Tuesday before she was dead). We had the funeral the day after Mother's Day.

Now my father-in-law has decided to move from Nebraska down here to Alabama "because he is lonely" on the weekends (his week is filled with his activities)....I see my weekends becoming filled with his visits to my house as he has found an assisted living place here in AL. I'm dreading it - I was giving the news the other day and came back to work to cry.

He is 81 years old, still drives (informs us he cannot move to AL until after his cataract surgery - yes, unbelievably he neglected to tell us this and drove 800 miles to my house for Christmas)

Think of Walter Mathau in "Grumpy Old Men" and you will have met my father-in-law. Everything I say is wrong or made up - but he counts on me to pamper him like his wife had done before she took ill.

I'm sorry to vent when I was really trying to comfort you!
God Bless
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Jlynnfox,
The other day my mother had slept in until after 10:00 AM, something that was highly unusual for her. I found myself hoping that she had passed away in her sleep and what a relief it would be. When I heard her stirring around in her room, I was almost disappointed then I felt terrible for the thoughts I had just had. I do love my mother but the disruption in our lives is unbearable. She has always been a mean-spirited person but as time has gone on she has become vicious. Example: She was sitting out on the front porch one evening and three ladies from our development walked by. My mother has now taken to referring to them as 'those hateful bitches'. Really? She doesn't know them, doesn't know a thing about them, but in her mind that's what they are. It's a lot of fun at my house - NOT! So, yeah, I think many of us have those thoughts.....we're only human. Don't beat yourself up for wanting your life back.
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My mom in the last month took a turn for the worse.We are not sure what is going on with this sudden onset of dementia.i have appts next week and hopefully there will be answers.Mom is suffering.Everyday she wakes up and has to go thru this all over again.She also has other health issues.I mentioned to my brother i pray she goes quietly.He freaked.He is not her caregiver.
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I think all of us (seriously even the ones that 'bray' that they love it) probably all have felt this at one time or another when we are exhausted - depressed - overwhelmed at this situation of caregiving...it get's tougher as time goes by and the situation worsens. Many of these folks get very nasty, depressing and snarky or just incomprehensible as time goes on. This is very trying on everyday life, that they are not really a part of anymore. They don't understand anymore we have to try to care on a normal as possible a life plus take care of them. I think they get a fog that comes over them that they are the only ones that matter. A self preservation of the aging mind. It's really tough...I know on more than one occasion I have the same thoughts. Where's the education in life to this? We are not trained and many times don't know what to expect or how it changes our lives in an instant. I hate it and can't wait for it to be over!
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I have to admit it might be a blessing to mom to go on before she becomes completely deaf-blind or, God forbid, unable to eat! My cousin's mom passed on suddenly in her home - it seemed awful at the time, but now I know it may have spared a lot of suffering for her and for my cousin. The main thing is to care and to cope as best you can, and realize that the timing is simply not for us to control - which hopefuly relieves the feelings of guilt for even thinking about it. Put as much life as you can into their days, and yours - though it may not be much at all...I'd say most of us are squeezing some pretty dry lemons to try to make lemonade. I'll miss the occasional sweet times and occasional thank yous and laughs, the visits with the grandkids, and I'll have the realization that we did the best we could for her...I won't miss the toxic criticism and grouchiness part so much though!

PS to jsomebody - You think we could get "MOT" widely recognized as an acromym for "miserable old trout"? I'd love to start using it personally!
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Ok Guys and Gals...this string is so right on for me...I understand what you are feeling...totally...Every morning...I wonder..will it be today? Then I hear her walker coming..or if when I come home from work I can see that she has been out. I know dhe is in soooo much pain and that she wants at time to end it all...I have seen her notes...she has opted to have the surgery to replace her hip because she told the doc yesterday that she cannot go on this way any longer. She will have the surgery. I have no idea what the outcome will be..if it will help or take her down. St least this gives us a chance to get her things in order...something she has not done. My heart goes out to you all...this is so hard...I think for them too. They may wish that they did not wake up too. I hate feeling this...it was good to hear that I am not alone in my dakest thoughts....Stuck
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Jlynnfox,

I think the key to this is "What does your mother want?"

You say she is not sick yet and not in pain. Does she get any kind of gratification out of being alive?

If yes, then what is the rush?
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It's normal to wish someone would pass without all the pain, and of course, feel guilty after. I have been thinking about the finall days lately, and it seems almost cruel the way we have to deny them food and water and let them pass on "naturally". I hate to think of the suffering, even with the morphine. I hope I'm not offfending anyone when I say that it seems kinder to "put them to sleep' at that point, when there is no more hope of recovery. I watched a friend die of cancer at age 58. It was really hard!.But It's not our choice to make.
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Oh my I almost cried when I read this. My husbands realative lives with us and our small children. She has her own space but goes into their rooms and sometimes has them in tears over silly things like dropping a fruit loop under the table, I think she is depressed and often says she is ready to die. I feel so guilty when I daydream like these folks do. And for me its the sound of her walker. I pray for forgivness and that im not punished for this thinking. She has only been here for 3 months im afraid we have a long way to go and that makes me feel guilty as well. I love her dearly, and don't want her to suffer, but to be real honest with myself I think most of it is that I don't want my kids to suffer as well. Thanks for making me feel less like a monster and more like a human.
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I think that dreading that phone call in the middle of the night is NOT a new thing. I remember making my parents worry like that when I didn't come home till 2am when I was out with my girlfriends. I hold my breath after 11pm even now when the phone rings thinking it's my dad telling me that mom has dropped dead. Or practically having a stroke when the phone rang late at night while our son was still living at home, just knowing that he'd had an accident. My husband drives truck, so I never know if his dispatcher is going to call and say there's been an 'incident'. We worry, we fret and in the end it does NO good. I have come to the conclusion that we have no control over anything other than our own actions, so why worry? Why do I think that by me worrying about that phone call, that I have any say in what the person on the other end is going to tell me? It's up to God in the end, He's got it figured out. So whether a person is happy, relieved, scared, guilty or whatever when that phone call does come, it makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.
Matthew 6:27 "And which of you by being anxious can add one cubit unto the measure of his life?"
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Its very true that worrying will not add anything to anbody's life! When the call comes, we will do our best to handle whatever it is. It is also true that living with a vexatious, negative, or even just depressed person adds stress, no matter how many ways you reframe it. Sure, you can learn to develop a thicker skin or make sure you understand where the toxicity is coming from, especially if it was not the way they were lifelong. And then maybe there are options to treat depression that ought to be explored. It can be very hard to know how protect children from negative influences and still let them try to experience any good things about grandma, grandpa, or other relatives...I will not pretend I have the answers to that, especially since my mom is in a facility and my daughter rarely visits her, by choice, just to avoid being constantly criticized the way I was as I grew up. I have to keep my visits short and dress a certain way, and have even resorted to putting her laundry away while she is at meals to avoid being yelled at to hurry up the whole time. So what it is we dread about the phone call? Is it the unequivocal loss of even the tiniest hope that might have been lurkign that things could get better again? Is it the disruption to our normal life that will inevitably happen? Things we have not been able to get done in advance? Or just the emotions - the intensity, the bittersweetness, the guilt and relief mixed together, or the full force of grief. I find its at least theoretically possible to eliminate worry - Serenity Prayer and all that - but I can't seem to find the serenity to float above all stress and distress; I've even got an ulcer flaring up again now!
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Thanks everyone for your input, it's greatly appreciated! It gets more stressful everyday. Mom thinks just because I come over 2 days a week that those are the only days I am doing things for her, she does not understand its everyday! Whether its applying for MA or paying her bills, shopping for her, or even setting things up at my work so i can actually have the time to deal with her stuff its a constant job. I work almost full time and have 2 kids so her adding stress to it just does not help! I will not be happy when she's gone, i will be happy that the stress is gone.
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Wow!! I thought it was only me. My 84 year old mother is mean spirited and demanding. I understand how she came to be this way but understanding doesn't make dealing with it any easier. I have felt emotionally abused for years so it feels normal but her breaking her hip in 11/09 and her increasing neediness is overwhelming me. My 18 year old daughter (who she is very hard on) and I live with her. I will miss my girl terribly but can't wait for her to go away to college next year to escape the homefront. All I want for me at this point is a few days at the beach this summer and I will feel like my tank has been filled to the brim. We have only had one night away in the past 2 years. How can I make this happen without her making me feel guilty, having a tempepr tantrum or sabatoging a vacation? I have the money to pay for soneone to stay with her for a few days but I know she will rebel. We have no family other than my brother 5 states away who just can't relate to what is happening here.
Thinking of you all...
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Yes you hit the nail on the head! I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but it already has. I just want all the pain and stress from that gone. I hate to see her cry and be misrable,and I hate hiding in my bathroom to calm myself when I hear her coming down the hall, and I hate seeing my 6 year old cry cause she has just crawled all over him for something he did yesterday that had zilt to do with her. That is all the things I wish would be different when I woke up in the morning. I loved visitng her when she was well. Seeing her smile when I would bring her a b day card, listening to her clap her hands and laugh at the kids. But its not like that now, and never will be...she refuses to take meds for her manic depression says it makes her to sleepy. I did give her a kitten for christmas and that has helped she loves her. And for about a week had a smile to her face. Sorry this is so long. Ive not had anyone to express this to until now. Hope you understand.
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Snubiz, like Nike says, 'just do it'. Get away when you have to, take a break when you need to, and ignore the tantrums. What would you do with a bratty kid that wanted his/her way all the time? I know what I would do, turn a deaf ear and do what I needed to do anyhow. Your mother has figured out that 'guilt is the gift that keeps on giving' so take back control.
No one ever died from throwing a hissy fit that I know of.
JUST DO IT.
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This week was especially bad--I think my Mother and I fought every day. I seem to be the only one who cares about trying to make her feel better. She complains about her doctors appointments, her swallow therapy, me reminding her to drink more water or to not eat so many sweets. Her negative attitude is just too much some days. I took time off from work to spend "quality" time with her and there hasn't been much quality to it. I constantly have to remind myself when I'm so angry with her that I'll feel very guilty and regretful when she's gone. So, yes, you're not alone out there and I'm so glad that I've finally found this website only to learn that there are others feeling the same as me.
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my mother is not in good health and pain all the time so yes I have thought about it. It is hard to watch your parent in so much pain you just want it over for them.....don't be hard on yourself it is normal to think like that.....
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I agree with the previous posts. Don't beat yourself up. I have both my Mom and Dad living with me. My Dad is a gross old man who has no respect for me or my home. Lays his catheter bags where ever he feels like it. Doesn't care if his urine leaks all over MY new carpet. Instead of putting his used toilet paper in the commode he lays it on the sink. Then there is Mom who has dementia and has become very mean. Curses at my young grandchildren one minute and is loving over them the next. Needless to say my youngest grandson is confused. I have awakened in the morning to no sounds coming from their room and I wonder if one of them is gone and in that same thought I think about how much less work I would have to do if one of them passed. Then I feel very quilty, but they are both living miserable lives and both have told me that they wish they would go to sleep and never wake up. I think most of us have had these types of feelings, but you need to accept them and move on. Don't beat yourself up over it.
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I can imagine there is guilt in how you feel, but at times the relief or the very idea is overwhelming. It can be difficult at best to balance ones emotions. You live in world that is dominated by what may or may not happen on any given day.
I wish you the best!
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Just reading the recent posts and I am always so relived to know that the feelings that I have(wanting this to be over) are shared my so many of other caregivers.
My 98 yr old mom is, I think, at the end of her journey.(although I sometimes think she has 9 lives). I am trying to make peace with her. We got along a little better when she didn't live with me but it has been very difficult since she came to live with me 4 and 1/2 yrs ago. I pray every day that it is her last and then feel guilty when she does wake up. I go to therapy and a support group to help me deal with everything. it does help a little but until she is finally at peace can I begin to have peace also.
No one can understand the role of a caregiver until they are thrown into it. No one can prepare you either.
I am so grateful for this site and I know I do not walk alone even though I am an only.
Hang in there and hopefully the new year will bring us and the ones we care for some peace!!!
one and only
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I am grateful for having found this site. My journey re: intense caregiving is only just beginning (though I have been helping my mother for many years). Had a gift exchange with a friend yesterday. She asked if my left eye was bothering me. I said no. She noted it was twitching. Yup - I have developed a definite tic and blink these last few months. She observed it was like my mother was holding me hostage with her behavior. Yup - very astute friend. Now I am reasonably successful in my career. Having a Master's in Psychology. Wouldn't you think I would have the strength and the knowledge re: human behavior to stand up to my mother? Ha...

How have those who have been dealing with caregiving with difficult parents for many years dealt with your feelings of depression? The difficult parent part seems to be the most common theme in folks posts. I have read that the caring parent has made it a joy for their children to help them. I think if I didn't feel so abused and disrespected I would not be so resentful. I too have just started therapy to help me deal with my feelings toward her.
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I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL IF THE CANCER IS TERMINAL.NO ONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE SUFFER LIKE THAT.
TRY TO THINK AND REFLECT ON ALL THE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD TOGETHER.THIS SHOULD HELP TO EASE THAT PAIN SOME FOR YOU.
I HAD A YOUNG SISTER WHO PASSED AWAY AND I LOOK AT ALL THE GOOD SHE HAD AND THE TIMES WE SPENT TOGETHER..I WILL ALWAYS MISS HER AND MY MOM.
I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS.
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Re, "Wouldn't you think I would have the strength and the knowledge re: human behavior to stand up to my mother?" all I can say is I agree with "Ha" as the answer. You just can't when its your own mother, not wihtout a lot of help, and then only part way. I feel sorry for her and wish we could bring her to live with us with a sane amount of home health instead of doing our best to see she is well taken care of in a skilled nursing nearby, but hubby says a resounding NO and maybe I am secretly grateful too. You know I do her laundry even though the facility would do it no charge, ostensibly so they don't lose so much of her stuff (they are bad about that) but REALLY to give myself and mom a reason for me to keep going there often enough even when I might otherwise find reasons to put it off. She relates SO much better to her grandchildren than she does to me, and I wish I could get them to see her more often. She apparently does not feel as reposnsible for their perfection and idolizes my son Michael quite a bit. He can even wear flip flops in the dead of winter and its OK, while I've got to be in heels and every hair in place!

Well, now one of my chief ambitions is to BE one of those loving and trusting instead of critical and anxious old ladies (they do exist, I've net and read about them, they just for some odd reason don't inhabit these support group pages as often as the other kind :-) so I will be a little more of a blessing than a burden if I ever need care.
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You should not feel guilty because you want her to not be in pain. You do need to spend time with her and let her know all the things you want to tell her . I talked to my mother at 8:30 on Sat night and on Sun Morning at 6 am my dad ccalled me and said I can"t get your mom to wake up. They said she died at about 3 am. That was so hard to deal with. It has been 6 years now and I still cry from time to time and the holidays are so hard because Christmas was her favorite time of year. So tell her you love her and create more lasting memories, Time runs out all to soon.
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I may miss my Mother when she is gone...but I'm not so sure. I took her to PT last week and when I picked her up...not one word was said about the next appointment. So this morning when I was getting in my car to come to work...out she comes to "remind" me about the appointment. And her nails need to be done too...I know she did not tell me as I have a PT appointment myself today which I have had for 2 weeks...I would have know there was a conflict....But If I argued about it there would have been a; big blow up and I would be the ass. I am pretty sick of this last minute s*#@. Too bad...I have told her that one of these days when she waits to the last minute to tell me I may not be available...I guess that is today. I will miss the fun we had in earlier days...but not this!
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She;s etiher forgetful or manipulative - and either way, appointments can be rescheduled if need be. Especially if she hasn't had repeated missed appointments in the past, at least one at short notice can normally be forgiven. (e.g. "Mom, I just can't do it today - I didn;t know and I scheduled an appointment I can't miss! But I will help you call and get another time so they understand its not your fault, you just forgot to tell me and I couldn't do it...it'll be OK!") And then start asking at the end of each PT visit when the next one is rather than wiating for her to volunteer it. If you are really stuck, you can sometimes get non-emergency medical transportation - unfortunately its pretty expensive.
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I will start asking what her schedule is...you see she wants to be in charge and that is why I just let her go and do her own thing, but it is getting to the point or is at the point where I need to be more proactive in her life. I guess she just caught me off guard when I was getting in my car to go to work and she just appeared all in a tissy about her appointment. I did tell her at that time that I was sorry but I had an appointment myself and would not be able to take her. She is perfectly capable of calling them and rescheduling. She had my husband take her..he has a big truck and abit hard to load her into it. But then..get this.. she had to have her nails done first and totally was late to the appointment and missed it. Should I just start doing all this for her? She won't ask if it is ok...just expects us to be available. She won't do any of this in the am...to hard for her to get going and she will miss her soaps.
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