Anne22 Posted May 2016
Mom has Dementia: Another question
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This is my second post. Everyone answered my questions about personality changes and such and I appreciate it, but I am still confused.
She was always such a nice, good, kind and caring person all her life. Now she is nasty, indifferent, etc.
Question is this: Is it the dementia or was this the mother she always was,but held it inside?
Thank you.
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The question, then, is based on the false premise that people are of one make-up, good and ill, and you must ultimately reach a conclusion about their worth as a human being. It is nonsense. But it sells a lot of scripts, because we like to have puzzles explained and we find ambiguity troubling.
Anne, this is not a criticism of you, I emphasise. It is a grouse about the world's infectious fondness for labels and categories. Your mother is many-layered, I expect, as are we all. Mourn the loss of her sweeter layers, but don't imagine that they weren't real. They were.
But let's just speculate that the nice, good, kind and caring person she's always been was just a coverup of true nasty personality, and now she can't cover any more. (I don't believe that, but we are just supposing here.) Would it matter? You have a nice, good, kind and caring mother -- whether it came naturally to her or she had to work at it. Many people on these discussion boards did not have a caring mother (or father), many lived with a parent whose narcissism prevented them from caring about any one outside of themselves. It seems to me you had a very lucky situation.
I am curious to know where this question is coming from. Why does this matter?
By the time it's confirmed as dementia, we caregivers are already worn out from the second-guessing, the tiptoeing around and the Jekyll-and-Hyde routine. Endless cycles of us well-intentioned caregivers doing/saying the wrong thing -- simply because we are not brain-damaged and we live in the real world. And we are exhausted.
From there on in, it's all downhill. Maybe some plateaus, which are "nice" (if you like false hope). Do not be afraid to disappoint others -- including mom -- by doing what is right for you. No one will advocate for your sanity; that hard job is also all yours.
You will spend the next XX years trying to separate fact from fiction. You can't trust your mother's reality anymore. And a jaw-dropping number of people who "care" will express that by telling you, in so many words, that you are the designated fixer. Don't fall for it. You can't fix this.
You can care. You can visit. You can marshall resources so your mother has the professional assistance that she needs -- in whatever setting is appropriate for her limitations. Food, clothing, shelter and safety are tantamount. Mom will probably reach a point where you alone cannot reasonably supply that. Don't be afraid to switch gears and allow yourself to "just" be a daughter again.
Tough decisions ahead. And you cannot satisfy everyone. Take care of yourself and your household first. Sounds counter-intuitive. But it's crucial. ((((big hugs)))
Dementia turns you into someone else. It physically destroys brain tissue and creates personality changes that otherwise would have never happened, literally creating a monster. This is not your mothet's fault nor is this something she's been hiding.
I'm wondering if you're asking because you have read about moms that HAVE been horrible during their childrens' childhood (just read the posts here!) and they seem to get even worse with dementia. But don't take that to mean that it is always EVERYONES' underlying personality.
Really, in the long run, what does it matter? Are you going to change your feelings for your mom depending on the answer? Just remember your good childhood and inform yourself of the different stages of dementia, so you'll have a clue for each phase and personality change. She probably won't stay mean and indifferent for the rest of her life. Don't take anything she says personally. She doesn't know what she's saying. She may even revert back to the sweet personality she had before. It's an awful disease that robs something from everyone. Good luck with your journey.
If so, don't let the DISEASE rob you of those memories. Her brain is physically shrinking. She has NO control over that aspect. Cognitive thinking, emotions are all out the window. Nothing was pretend or 'fake' in the past, I'm sure. You are experiencing the little sorrow before our parents actually die and leave us. It's natural to question love in general when we are going through such a painful time. It hurts, big time. Our parents are not the people we relied on and respected and loved so much growing up.
It can blindside you. It did me. I was not emotionally prepared for all I have been through the past 5+ years. My mom drives me crazy on a daily basis. Her dementia is mid stage.
My mom is also a narcissist. That didn't become fully apparent until I had to take her under my wing. That was truly an eye opener. Did you have a dad that did everything for her in the past?
Dementia is rather confusing to me. My loved one became more loving, kind and patient after a certain stage. So, I'd keep watch of that. In the initial stages, she was hostile, confrontational and demanding, but that all changed as her dementia progressed. I suppose it depends on the individual as well.
"Question is this: Is it the dementia or was this the mother she always was,but held it inside
Has your mom been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? She might be depressed, anxious or have another emotional issue that might be improved by meds.