My elderly mom has no social network and she's hurting my own social life.

well said

I live with my 87 year old mom. She will show the same pictures of relatives (that I don't know and are long deceased) over & over. She has a wonderful family that love her but she refuses to accept that. I joined a car club (I have a muscle car) but can't go to overnight events - she can't be alone. If I attend one day events she forgets when I said I will be home and worries if I get home after 9:00 PM. Her memory is deteriorating to the point she is having difficulty conversing so a senior center probably won't help. The worst part is I am having to turn her into the DMV because she insists on driving! I wish she would let me drive her. She already thinks I hate her and that I am mean. I am lucky to have a sister living close by for emotional support for me and to take her out occasionally. Take any family help you can get! I looked for more support and found this sight. Since I also deal with depression and social anxiety (fear of going out of the house) I really have to push myself to get out. I also use Facebook and forums for my hobby to keep me connected with the outside world. Just so you know, your post helped me realize I am not alone. It is good to read about how other people cope and struggle with caring for an elderly parent.

Avid reader. You said something that made me take notice. You said your mother was very narcissistic. My mother is a narcissist and refuses most social opportunities to the extreme. I have learned there is a personality disorder called schizoid personality disorder. With this disorder a personal just basically has no need for social interaction. They have very poor social skills. My mother I believe has this disorder. If I do not pick up the phone and call her, months and months will go by without a word from her.. She calls non one but believes everyone should call her. She will not and does not seem to need friends and she can disengage with family members at the drop of a hat without any remorse. All very odd personality characteristics. Maybe you mother has a little of the schizoid personality going on. Read up on it and see what you think.

I totally believe my mother has this disorder, along with a narcissistic disorder as well. Take care.

Great, there is no one to delegate anything to. I am it. I am the chief cook and bottle washer. I am so tired of doing this I can't even express it. All I know is I am not only confined to the house, I am also confined in the house. I truly hate this and am at a loss as to how to change it. My mother goes to senior center during the day, but the bus or the workers are off more than she goes. When she finally goes and I get her off, I just am so burned I don't want to do anything but sit down by myself and breathe. I need a social life and I am not sure how this is going to happen, but I am so tired of this life now.

irst, we do have to put ourselves first sometimes. What’s best for us, best for our own families and our own peace of mind must be a serious consideration. Sacrificing our sanity for the sake of caregiving is not the best choice. Delegate and find others to help if having too much of the caregiver burden is getting you down.

Second, know our own limitations. Caring for aging parents can become very time-consuming and emotionally wrenching as we watch our loved ones decline in health. Trying to bravely go it alone, taking in an ailing parent, or assuming other large, long term chores is not for everyone. It’s okay to say “no”. Every adult child is not the same and many are simply unable to do a good job of being a primary caregiver. Admitting this to ourselves is both healthy and necessary.

Third, forget trying for praise, appreciation or recognition of a caregiving job well done. The cognitive impairment may mean that he or she is unable to appreciate our efforts. It may mean behavior changes, such as suspicion, accusations and nasty outbursts in our aging parent when that sort of thing didn’t happen before. Do a good job for your own sake and because it’s right, not because you have to have your parent’s approval.

Fourth, we need to love ourselves for trying. Our efforts may not always succeed. We may feel doubt about what we’re doing. We may feel guilty that we get mad at an aging parent who is so difficult. But we keep trying to make life manageable, keep up their quality of life the best we can and go at it with sincere hearts. We need to tell ourselves that we are brave and valued from within for forging on in the face of difficulty. We need to appreciate our own efforts.

Finally, we need to take breaks. We get so lost in caregiving, directing others, managing our own jobs, families and problems, we forget how much time we’re putting in. We forget to stop. This is really important! To nurture our own bodies and soothe our own spirits is the very thing that gives us the strength to carry on and keep it up.

So, my friends with difficult aging parents, be very good to yourselves. Honor your own heartfelt work of helping aging parents, especially the most difficult ones. It takes a strong will to put up with the resistance difficult parents put up.

I have difficult people in my life, too. My Mom was mentally ill and the challenge to my strength and patience was there for years on end. Another family member refuses help and is a trying part of my life. We just keep going the best we can. We back off when it’s too much and go at it again when the emotional strength is there.

I think a client said it best: “We keep doing whatever we can to make their lives as good as we’re able, so when they’re gone, we’ll have no regrets”.

We are on this journey together. We can help each other along.






























All too often family members who provide care for a loved one burn out, and badly. The stresses, emotional, physical and financial take their toll on the best of us. I for one wish we would all be a little more proactive in planning for the care of our aging loved ones. How great would it be if we sat down as families, siblings and parents, to discuss “what’s next” and who might be responsible for what.





How much better we’d all be if families could talk together to plan ahead. Maybe our society will one day accept that we do get old, we do need help, and we have to plan for it and pay for it. Family caregivers are often overlooked, but we’re doing billions of dollars worth of care.




Keep up the great work!

Yes 2tiredinfloria we seem just alike. In the same boat.

I know exactly what you are feeling! I just posted here awhile ago myself. What do you do with someone who does not want help? It's fine for some to suggest that you don't do enough, and won't be "bothered" much longer. Yes we will all feel guilty when they are gone. Did we do enough? Did we make their lives any better? The sad fact is a lot of old people, do not want help. They don't want to make new friends or interact with anyone. My Mom like yours has made me into a surrogate spouse. At least you don't live with yours, I do! It's all about her, her needs, her wants. When I do something for her, she is never satisfied. If I buy her clothes, she never likes them. If I cook something, she says " I won't eat that crap!" I can't win, no matter what I do. I'm an only child, so I can't ask for help from siblings. I have been stuck with her for six years, and like my Father always said, " she can drive anyone to drink, and it's a short ride". She is a miserable old woman with no interests other than watching her soap operas. Even those she complains about because " they're always jumping in bed with each other". Just know, that you are not alone! Many of us are trapped like you.

It sounds familiar. And can only get worse. SO set boundaries now. She sounds mentally with it. I'm going to try and date. But my mom lives here with me and she wants no one around me. She thinks I will be murdered and guys are all liers and cheats. So it will be hard just to get out of the house. So sit down with your mom and talk to her about what you need right now. Before she does not want to listen or cant understand u.

Avid reader, your description of your mother sounds so like mine! Mom used to walk and golf. She talks endlessly about it but refuses to try either. Her eyesight is bad (degenerative Mac) and badly broke left shoulder/arm in 2010 in a drunken fall. (I found her on the floor 2days later). She complains daily about these disabilities and I try to encourage her to at least try to do things but she refuses. She refused in hom physical therapy which has hindered her arm & shoulder mobility also. My counselor and I talk every session about my "Damned if I do, Damned if I Don't" life with mom. Accepting that helps me cope. I'm constantly working on those boundaries also. It's "One day at a Time" in this house with mom and that's the best I can do. Even that is a struggle, but like you, I do enjoy this site. Just knowing there are others out there that listen, understand, share and care means so much! Best to you, try to make each day a good one for you! xx

Wow, these were really great responses. Thank you all so much. I have offered to take Mom to the Senior Center, but she refuses. I could try to "trick" her, but she would probably throw a tantrum! Someone asked if she had hobbies. She used to have hobbies like needlepoint, knitting, making miniatures, but she no longer has good enough eyesight to do them. She does read large-print books, but she's not as avid a reader as I am. Mostly she watches T.V., and this often makes her even more unhappy, which is understandable! I guess the main problem is that she has no friends. She lives in a lovely townhome, but she doesn't really want to pursue friendships with anyone. Since she's narcissistic and complains a lot, I think that those who do come in contact with her are perhaps put off. She seems to just want my Dad, or me. Well, that leaves just one of us now, and she's tired. Another person who responded said that maybe this is just the way it is. I think there's a lot of truth in that. I have set some boundaries for myself. I guess if Mom wants to be unhappy with me, she's just going to have to be unhappy. She exudes too much negativity for me to hang around with her all the time. And I don't think that's good for my mental state either. I guess I'm doing the best I can, as we all are. I am so grateful for this community. I'm going to go back and re-read all your answers. It's good to share our feelings, I think!

LindafromVT I can relate. My mother is 79 and I live with her. Thought we'd take care of one another but I'm learning all kinds of things about her past that contribute to her controlling jealous manipulative martyrdom ways. She changed so much after my dad passed 20 years ago & continues to decline & shut herself off from the world. She expects people to come to her, all she does is lie in her bed watching TV every day, sleeping 18-20 hours most days. It's a fight getting her to shower. She smokes & drinks. Her diet is horrible. She refuses to go to respite or join in any senior activities. Fridays she goes to have her hair done and that's really her social hour. She encourages me to go out on my own but chastises me when & if I do. I really don't have a social life. If I have a friend visit or I'm involved in something she does anything she can to put the spotlight on her or treats me poorly. I'm in counseling and trying to take care of myself first which sounds so selfish but as a caregiver to someone who relies on me for just about everything I've learned how important this is. For your own sanity and well being you must have activities and a social life for YOU. On that note it's nearly time for me to take mom to her weekly hair appt. yippee that gives me two free hours to myself!!

Talk about guilt tripping with the "bothering" comment. Really do we have to yeall at people by typing in caps, LOL

my social life is taking a beating as well. mom requires such steady attention that i cant stand out back and split firewood like id like to be doing..

If she is in good health despite her age, have her do some volunteering or get a job. Walmart loves older seniors. They hired my husband at age 80 and after two different surgeries held his job both times because he was such a great worker. She could always read stories at the library and be around young children. They are so cute and enduring she won't have time to be lonely. At 89 yrs. how much longer do you think she will be "bothering" you? She will not live forever and then you can have your life back ALL TO YOURSELF. (Your time will come...)

My mother had difficulty socializing. As a toddler, her sisters, who close to each other, were 6 and 7 years her senior and played unkind pranks on her. I believe those experiences scarred her into late adulthood.
My husband and I went on a cruise with my parents when my mom was 78 and 80. Both times we were participating in group tours with kind, spiritually minded people. The first time she clung to my husband and me like glue. She did make a few attempts to converse with others during workshops and mealtime. If someone else came along and distracted the person she was talking to, she felt hurt. I had to tell her that even I suffer from that flaw (being distracted). It's a normal human trait, not an intentional effort to be rude. She also complained about arriving at mealtime and having most of the seats (including those next to me) gone. I told her it's all right to arrive 15 minutes early. In short, I had to give her some lessons on socializing. During the second cruise, I saw my mother blossom. She talked to people, and they talked to her. She was enjoying herself and did not need to cling to my husband and me. Sadly, she passed away 3 months later.
The point I am trying to make, is that maybe your mother needs to learn some basic socialization skills. She might still be able to learn. Just because a person is up in years, that does not mean they are not a frightened child inside.
Blessings to you.

My mother, who is 86 goes to a senior center to eat her lunch and goes to exercise activities afterwards. She also enjoys going to church every Sunday and thinks of the church members as her church family. There is a transportation service that is especially for seniors and handicapped that picks her up and takes her to the senior center that is either free or has a very low fee. Also, a church member comes and picks her up and brings her back home from church.
Also, having a pet, that requires minimal care, can help some with loneliness. Also, a lot of towns have quilters groups (if that's something you'd think she would enjoy).
Also, there are recreation centers that have classes specifically for seniors such as swimming for arthritis or tai chi (which helps with balance).
Lots of places are looking for volunteers. Some libraries like to have an adult read to the children and there are schools looking for foster grandparents. Pretty much any social service agency is looking for volunteers and volunteering is one of the best things for the soul and it helps one to forget about their own problems.

I can totally relate. My mom is just like yours, 83 but can't do anything for herself anymore, but bathe and dress herself with a great deal of difficulty. We live just around the corner from me and wants me there constantly. I am retired, have a husband, a house of my ow to take care of and my own social life, but mom doesn't care. I'm expected to be there all the time, mostly for companionship. I do have a woman who comes in twice a week to do chores but she can only give her 4 hours a week. Nevertheless it does help and I recommend you look into this. I also have Meals on Wheels but she complains about the food constantly. If your mother is like mine, she won't have a thing to do with senior centers. She has visited one and says they ate for 'old' people. She has no interest in hobbies at all and never did. She wrapped her life around me and my father. I'm an only child and my father has been gone for 26 years but you'd think it was yesterday. She moans all the time about wanting him back forgetting that he'd be 91 and of no use to her. Mom has recently been diagnosed with age related memory loss but it is severe. She can't remember what I told her 2 minutes ago and repeats and repeats. It drives me crazy. You HAVE to set some boundaries and fast. Just don't be available every time she wants you. Yes, you will feel guilty but you NEED time for yourself. Don't let her suck the life out of you like my mother does.

My mothers life consists of looking out her window. That's it. She does nothing else, no puzzles, no reading, little TV and she hates the radio. She sits there in total silence hearing the clock tick. No wonder she goes nuts. She looks to me to rescue her from her pointless life, and I do do things with her, and take her out to eat, but no matter what I do it's never enough. Well you know what? She CHOOSES to do nothing and live there alone, it's not my problem. She refuses to go to Assisted Living even though she visited there also. You have to tune her out, all the complaining and crying and just leave. It sound cruel, but hey, you can't help someone who refuses to help herself. She WANTS pity. Don't fall for it. Learn to walk away and live your own life. Hope this helps. Good luck to you and all the caregivers on this site. It's not an easy life.

Why not help your Mom to build a social network? Do any of your friends have parents in a similar situation? Maybe you could put together a gathering that would include your friends and their parents? It sounds like your Mom feels like the new kid in school.

We are in the same boat! My folks were living with me, when my Dad passed away. Then Mom said she wanted to move back to her own house, where she had so many good memories. I agreed and sold my home, and moved. Big mistake! Like you, I no longer have a social life. If I'm gone for more than an hour, she gets upset. I also now live miles from my friends, and they no longer come to visit, because of Mom! I have come to accept that this is simply what happens, as we get older and care for our parents. I would simply suggest that like me, you find time for yourself to do something at home, that gives you some pleasure. The days of friends and fun is over, unfortunately.

For mobility issues, I recommend Senior Center Without Walls for telephonic activities - education, games, social, news, etc. It's available in my state - and I'm aware of a couple other states - so I reckon in other states too. I heard of an SCWW in Portugal - so global. My state's SCWW has a website. There is no dues. Actually, the SCWW activities schedule is MUCH BETTER than at least one of our local brick & mortar senior centers. Most of the participants of SCWW are low vision & shut-in, BUT mentally sharp!

Due to mobility issues - I moved my parents into a Senior Independent Living facility. Mom was socially isolated in the home even though it was in the same neighborhood I grew up in. The neighborhood is changing and getting Mom into an environment with other seniors totally changed outlook. She is back to her old feisty self!

Well I sure can relate to your analogy of trying to rescue someone at sea and your arms are getting tired. Two great suggestions from JB and Angelwhyspers. The great thing is you have a car, a great getaway, sure miss mine. You are so close, good to be separate and yet so close, it gives you some room to breathe, I have none. Maybe you can try and set some boundaries with her, you got to try and do this for yourself. Don't be at her beck and call, make sure others can check in on her if you worry about her. She is in good health, my uncle plays golf everyday at 86 in Australia. So, sounds like mom wants to remain in her own home, the assisted living would open a lot to her, but it is costly too. I would encourage her to join and Adult Senior Center, my mother was totally against this, but now looks forward to going. She did not want to do anything after dad died, said she did not want anything to do with the center. She likes it now, they have activities, she has some friends her own age, and it gives me time to myself, I am in a different situation from you, but time alone is essential to me, you have the space of your own house, make the most of it, believe me I sure would. It is funny, she could get to the point of looking forward to going on senior outings and activities and turn around and tell you she is too busy to keep you occupied and entertained, funny, not, this is my mother of the past, now it is velcro togetherness. How come she won't leave me be for a bit now, LOL.

Does your mother have any hobbies that she enjoys to do such as crocheting, bridge or anything in that area. I'm sure she is lonely with her life partner gone, and when you are used to a certain way of living and always having someone there it can get a little overwhelming. She may very well enjoy a senior community centre, she could meet people her own age bracket, pick up a hobbie and always have someone around. This would give you a much needed break so that you can go do some of the things you like on your own. Some of the community centres welcome outsiders to join in and who knows she may meet someone of interest. Look into it, it definitly can't hurt to try it. Best of luck to you.

Could you let us know a little more about your mother? She sounds like an ideal candidate for a senior community to me. Where is she living now? Senior communities, either independent living or assisted living, are nice because there is bus transportation to the stores. There is also a lot of opportunity for social interaction that your mother seems to need. This would take so much of the responsibility from your shoulders while getting your mother's needs met. I would look around and find what is available, then see if your mother is open to visiting one or more of the places. She may be resistant at first, but find that she loves living in a new home where she can make friends.