Friday before last, I called the ambulance and said "take her away". Actually, I said "my mother need to go to the hospital because something is not right". But Mom heard "Take her away" in her dementia addled mind. In the ER, I asked her if she knew why she was there, she angrily spat out "Because YOU put me here."
So, now she has progressed to a rehab facility very near my house. My message the whole time has been "get better so you can come home.". I have been trying. I really have. I bring her things to make her comfortable. I have kept her caregiver on payroll and have her sitting with Mom for four hours a day to keep her comfortable and run errands for her. I offer to bring her anything she wants, food, books, anything.
I am tired of being met with stony silence. I am tired of begging her to interact with me. I am tired of the angry glares when I ask her how therapy is going or if she has been eating. She doesn't eat, by the way, and I spend most of my visits trying to get her to eat and begging her to keep her strength up. You know what, though, it turns out I don't really care anymore. I had my moment this morning. I have decided, here or at rehab, I absolutely don't care anymore. I don't care if she eats. I am trying to decide whether or not I care if she takes her pills (a two hour ordeal twice a day).
I visit her daily but can't stay long with a woman who can't/won't carry on a conversation with me and so obviously hates me. Funny thing, everyone else says that she talks and miles and such so it is not that she is incapable.
She has mild to moderate dementia but she is not so far gone that she can't make decisions about whether or not to participate in therapy or eat her food. She is "with it" enough to manipulate me and everyone around her.
I told rehab that I don't want her back if she cannot walk or cannot toilet herself. I will cook for her, clean for her, help her in and out of bed when needed, I will be there when she falls, I will keep her comfortable.
But I will not cart her around my house in a wheelchair and transfer her to and from the commode. And I will not entertain her or try anymore ton carry on conversations and make her smile. I will turn on the "electronic babysitter" and let her sit in her chair and watch TV all evening.
Every evening, we call her to dinner and, even though we start an hour before the meal is served, she usually does not make it tot he table until the meal is almost finished. When she gets there, she just looks at her plate and when I bark at her to eat, she gets a startled look on her face as if she has forgotten that she was supposed to put food in her mouth. Then comes the ordeal of the evening pills.
If/when she comes home, I am strongly considering no longer having her at our family dinner table. I will probably bring a tray to her recliner and then take it away, uneaten, after a while.
I don't think that she has ever liked me but now I am convinced that she hates me. And here I have turned my life upside down for her and my husband and kids have sacrificed so much.
Congrats sounds like such a weird thing to say but... congrats anyway. Yes, she will be madder than a wet hen but you will be in control of when you see her and how long you spend with her so if she is a miserable cuss, you can cut the visit short.
My mother has plateaued in her rehab, partially because she puts no effort into it. The other evening, I visited her and she was particularly out of it and would do nothing more than glare at me. I mentioned it to her attendant on my way out. He went down to check on her and she refused to go to bed (very out of character of her - she LOVES lying in bed). Then she started crying and saying how nobody likes her and I particular, how I hate her. It was bad enough that he called in the psychiatrist who spoke to her and adjusted her meds. The attendant also asked the doctor to order labs and...guess what... no, you will never guess... Yep, you got it. Another UTI.
Two days later and I see much improvement in mood and cognition. Still wacky and mean but not as wacky and mean.
She is coming home on Tuesday, BTW. Incredibly, the rehab center cured her on exactly the same day as her benefits ran out.