Help- Mom is becoming mean and hateful and unreasonable.

Karenia,

Don't wait for your mother to go see a therapist, you go see one for yourself because you are the one at a crisis point and need a lot of support.

IMHO your mother having always been fearful of everything and doing basically everything as you described above does sound like she's had problems for years that he sought to compensate for. Now it sounds like you are trying to compensate for those issues and it's about to kill you (excuse my bluntness) as it killed him. Her fearfulness ate him up and it is obviously destroying you.

Have you talked with her brother about this. Is he like her or is he healthier? Asking for his input and help does not have to mean moving her.

All in all, please go find a counselor to get some support and a neutral third party to equip you to help yourself and your mother.

Has your mom been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and/or dementia? She sounds like medication could be in order. Her thinking is out of whack, and she is just reacting, not really understanding what has taken place with your property situation. Keep trying to assist her, try not to take her cold responses to heart. I know that this is easier said than done. She does not even seem to realize that without your assistance, she basically has no one else who would care for her. That to me makes it sound like she has some deficits associated with dementia. Will she agree to go to the doctor? Is she due for a visit? I actually wrote a four page letter that I gave to my mother's doctor right before her latest appointment. I told him all about the incidents of her confusion, loss of memory, paranoia...he had the "head's up" before seeing her, and it helped a lot. It is difficult to deal with a parent's anger - but chances are she can't help it. She just doesn't get it. I think once you accept that she is going to be unpleasant and cold, you will be able to deal with her a little better. I also agree that you could benefit from seeing your own therapist. Don't let the turmoil destroy your psyche. Best of luck - and hugs to you, too.

Thank you all for the support. I just was at Moms house and she is cold as ever. She said again she is afraid of me now. Tears again for me. She refuses to go to the doctor- she is due for her yearly next month- but has refused to go. I have tried in past as now suggesting a visit for some anxiety meds but she absolutely will not. As for her brother I asked her yet again this morning to call and talk with him( he is in ok health and i think sound mind) she venomously refused and "forbade" me to call him. I amso afraid to contact him or her doctor for she will go completely ballistic. I do have an appt w/ an attorney soon I am going alone to talk openly with him and then after perhaps she will go. I hope to at least get some good solid information to share with her re: the properties- she does not realize that hername on the deed will make my house an asset of hers that should she need nursing home care or whatnot could be lost. I know i need helpbut I do not know where to turn

You are an adult, not her little girl anymore. Do, what you as an adult thinks is best for you and her. If at any time, you think that she is a threat to herself or someone else, like yourself, you must get her involuntarily committed to a hospital for a full psychological evaluation.

Your mother sounds like she's totally out of control. If I were you, I would call her brother, but not tell her you did. I wonder what makes calling him so fearful? Make the call to your uncle and to your mother's doctor from your own house, not hers. You are right to get her name off of your deed for it's your house. Is your name on her deed for the house that you got her?

Frankly, from the evidence you have shared your mother has some long term issues which you did not create; you cannot fix; and you cannot control. All you really can do is select a healthy path for yourself along with telling her what you are and are not wiling to do in order to help her, but that she's going to loose that if she breaks various boundaries which you are going to have to select, set, and have some consequences for. I feel very sorry for you and could only imagine what it must have been like growing up with her as a only child. Was your mother this controlling, fearful and dependent back then? Is your mother's brother older or younger than her.

Hi Karenia,
I hope I am not interfering in this discussion but there are a few legal steps you can and should take to keep your home. Contact an elderlaw attorney in your area to find out what can be done - most states have laws that will allow caretakers to retain possession of real estate in situations such as yours. It's probably too late to assume durable Power of Attorney for your mom, since she is apparently not well enough nor willing to assign that responsibility to you, but seeking guardianship may be an option, albeit expensive. You are correct to worry about having to give up your property in the event she needs nursing home care, so don't delay seeking legal advice. Once you apply for Medicaid, you no longer can take steps to protect your assets.
Now, I hope you don't mind if I comment on the emotional turmoil you must be going through. I went through exactly the same thing with my mother. She always had a few problems coping with her life, but nothing extreme, in my estimation, and she and I would always talk intimately about life. However, when she developed cancer (over 1 year ago) and needed full time care while undergoing chemotherapy, she came to live with me and within only a short time became very hateful and unreasonable to me, the only one of her 4 kids who bent over backwards to care for every single one of her extensive medical needs. She is now in an assisted living facility and it is apparent she is declining cognitively, and very rapidly, but I suspected her personality change a year and a half ago may have been due to very early Alzheimer's changes or another form of dementia. I still tend to all of her needs outside of direct care for her, but in spite of this, she has remained emotionally remote from me. There is little I can do to win her back - I've finally accepted this.
I have had no support from siblings at all, and let me tell you, this has been the most trying experience of my life. I am 55, and it is so easy yet to retreat into my role as "daughter" and fear Mom's disapproval, but in fact I need to assume the parental position now.
Your mom can't help the way she is behaving, nor is it your fault. Crowmagnum has given you some pretty sound suggestions when he said there may have been some long term issues that you did not create and cannot fix - these are the very "issues" that become magnified when a loved one begins a cognitive decline. The texts don't tell you this, perhaps because subtle personality change is a difficult thing to measure, but I have heard many family members of Alzheimer's patients report this as an early symptom.
At any rate, the mixed bag of feelings can be better sorted out by realizing that it is illness which is causing your mom to behave this way toward you, and even to fear intervention by her brother. Unfortunately her immediate needs must be dealt with before you can take the time to even grieve, and that is what is so hard. I hope I've helped you somewhat. Reading your story here has certainly put my own situation in perspective, so please accept my thanks. I does help to know when we have company.

Karenia,
When I first moved my Mom here, I did everything for her...I finally figured out that this was not in either of our best interests.
Others above have given you great advice about your Mom and her current state of mind. So, I want to offer you some advice that helped save my sanity:

1) your Mom does not have the capacity now to think rationally, so do not let her hurt your feelings when you are in her presence. Think of her as a neighbor or stranger that you are helping and be firm, calm, and consistent.
2) always make decisions based on what is best for BOTH of you. You cannot put your marriage or your finances in jeopardy.
3) do not move your Mom again. Give her as much time alone as is safe. Hire caregivers who can come to her home and help with errands, housecleaning, and personal care. It will give her a chance to interact with another person and you a breather.
4) at some point, and especially if she becomes a threat to herself, you may have to consider another placement for her either in assisted living centers (many specialize in Alz. care) or nursing home.
5) and last but most importantly: you are an exceptionally devoted daughter who went well above and beyond the call of duty for both your parents. Say that to yourself everyday.

Hi Karenia,
The hardest thing for me has been accepting the fact that I MUST make some decisions for my mom. If your mother will not see a doctor then she is endangering herself and needs evaluation. Get the help and support that you need (like the oxygen on an airlplane - you first - then the dependent) and TALK TO HER DOCTOR NOW. It seems to me that you are expecting way too much from her - its your time to step up and start helping her..even if that means 'disobeying' her. You must let the role reversal happen - it is in her best interest. Ask her doctor if he/she knows of any eldercare support groups. Start with the doctor as a resource of information.

My mother has been my dependent for 3 years now and the learning curve has been huge. Just two nights ago she vented some anger on me - not like her- and its hard to take. I try to remember that she is frightened because she is losing control of her life. BUT it has taken 3 years for me to have a healthy perspective on our relationship - its not easy AT ALL. You are not alone. Seek support - there is plenty of it out there (Many of my friends are dealing with the same issues.)
Good luck and God Bless both of you! Leslee

I too have elderly parents, dad 91 mom 87, everything fine until this past summer. For years my husband & I & prior to my husband's retirement was just I did my parents mowing & weeding! We took them to doctors 60 miles away, as they live in rural small town area. My dad tested positive for Hep. C & when new tests were done, My husband & I went for results on June 2, 2010 to specialist, when specialist read results to a second doctor to type report said "hep. A positive, hep. B neg. hep. C positive. When we returned I made calls in few days to siblings, & this has now turned into awful mess. My mom & dad are claiming my dad doesn't have hep. A & that the doctor didn't say he did have it & they now took my brother whom I don't get along with because he is after the family farm, & their local doctor is claiming the results are that he does not have it! So now I have been vilafied as making this all up for some reason & my husband heard us talk about the results on the way home on Jun. 2nd. My mother now has chosen to write our daughter from my first marriage & make awful lies up about me. She has also called my sister & made other awful accusations about me, then she will write me & send me cards saying you are loved. I think she has developed some awful mental illness, I am the one out of 5 children who has done everything for my parents, now I feel like I have been kicked out of the family! My brother & 1 sister have been egging her on because they are after money, I have told them to sell the farm & spend it all on themselves! What do you do when your parent changes overnight like that & turns mean & hateful to you? My husband says to ignore her & she will quit writing others & I have not responded hateful to her I try to respond only positively to her but she is getting worse! What do we do? I feel for you as I know how you feel, it hurts! You feel like your hands are tied & in my case I have 2 brothers & 2 sisters to deal with & only 1 sister will agree that there is something wrong! It is just sad! I don't even know what is wrong with my mom & my dad can only remember things from a long time ago I think he has alzheimers but they don't want anything to do with me now, unless I will appologize & say I lied about my dad having hep. A, but I didn't & I can't even contact the doctor he saw as a specialist now because of the privacy laws! How do you find out what your mother has when you know something is wrong but can't do anything about it. We think mom doesn't want to admit dad has Hep. A because it would mean they would have to spend a lot of money on fixing up their water supply & septic system on the farm! I am from Illinois

I am an only child who is divorced and raising three children on my own. My eldest (aged 12) is disabled - legally-blind and autistic. My mom has no life outside her home other than attending mass once a week, going shopping and tending to her yard. We live in the same neighborhood, so I am able to help her with what she needs help with and she watches my children on Friday nights, so I get a night off since my children's dad wants less and less to do with them. I love my mother even though we have never been close, and lately, she has begun to make my life a living HELL. Last night, while I was attending an all high school reunion, she got her self completely drunk, insulted my neighbors, demanded that my children get in their own home and stay there while I was gone, and then verbally abused me when I spoke up and told her that I am the parent...not her. She constantly reminds me of anything I have done that hasn't met her expectations. We are struggling financially, because I am unemployed, but instead of offering help, she continues to fill her house with meaningless material "crap" just to have it...a big screen TV she never watches, a high-tech cell phone she never uses, tons of new clothing she doesn't need and an endless array of toys for my children that they lose interest in and eventually throw in the heap with the rest. Last Mother's day I went out of my way to find a special card, her favorite shampoo and other little things I know she likes, and when she realized I had done this she went out a bought me the cheapest box of chocolates she could find and gave them to me stating how she refused to buy the good ones because they were too expensive. My mom's family is all overseas (she came to America to marry my dad) and when he died suddenly, I did everything for her...took care of all of the financial things that need to be done and got her every single benefit that I could from his being deceased. When we were going over my dad's investments and making a plan on how they should be handled, she told her account advisor that she had no need for long-term care insurance since I was going to care for her in her old age. So here I am. I bought a house in the same neighborhood for my mom's sake and now that we're close to facing foreclosure, she acts as if it is no concern to her. She insists that I will not find the economic conditions any better than where we currently live, so there is no use in trying to sell my house, If I let it go back to the bank, that will just ruin my credit, blah, blah, blah. Every time I get a night out to have adult interaction, she finds some way to throw a wrench into my plans so I end up coming home to care for my children. She has stopped just short of accusing me of stealing from her bank accounts, and has complained that I have my name on it as the sole surviving family member. She says that it should be illegal for me to have access to finances and she doesn't understand why I have to have my name on her accounts. Honestly, I've had as much as I can take of this behavior and wish I lived on the opposite side of the country from my mom. I feel like a nobody with no emotional support, yet here is where I stay, feeling an obligation as an only child to take care of my surviving parent.

I am going to add a little different perspective on this. One of the things I have noticed with the elderly is the pride of doing things themselves & taking care of business even if there are some lapses of memory. They highly resent being taken care of if there is a thread of sanity in them. They espeically hate to be taken advantage of or think they are being taken advantage of in a semivulnerable state. They also were great savers & believe that young people today are frivilous & wasteful. Remember they have been through some tough times and she has earned your respect. It sounds like you had built a trust that mom didn't want to to things without you. But then you say, you took matters into your own hands and that trust was broken & violated in her mind. She feels very angry, alone & vulnerable. Being a caregive is not easy. It is helping those we love make the transition into the next phase of their life. There are some bumps along the way & we can become too bossy, tired and impatient, not to mention scared. Your relationship is more important than this issue & I suggest you apologise whether she is feeble-minded or not. No one likes to have someone else push their will on them. That trust is an important issue to her right now & it is her security. Sounds like you are miserable too. This can be worked out with respect & honesty & maintaining proper boundaries. It is a gradual step moving from child to caregiver. My mom is a Navy vet and was diagnosed as bipolar after a breakdown in the military. However, she always managed her own affairs. My transition help to her was gradual & today at 89, she is more than happy to let me do it. I miss her discernment, wisdom and imput. But, I totally respect & honor the way she did business.

Oh, my word! Can totally identify with the "hell" mentioned above. Sad thing is, I can't "go home" to get away from it for awhile, as I'm right here ... on a danged waiting list from which I got lost once, so ~~ once the HUD #8 list reopened first time in many years ~~ I'm finally back on it, with YEARS added to my wait! :(

Sad when HUD denies losing people, tho' they definitely do! I talked to Disability Advocates about helping me get back ON the list from the first time several years earlier; all they said they could do was "help fill out another application." Uh ... not needed ... need "ADVOCACY" about being lost from the list! I'm capable of filling out my own application, thank you ~~ and then had to wait another few years after that for it to open so I could apply again! Seems, suggesting they could "help fill out an application," that Disability Advocates are more used to advocating for people with mental impairment than physical, since otherwise they'd realize that needing help with "filling it out" was not the problem. Seems to have a "standard" answer, suggesting help w/application.

Anyway, it's help living here ... not just bad attitude, but constant name-calling, screaming, tantrums ........................ kept track for over a year to be able to tell HUD how much I'm in need to get AWAY from it all. They ignore it, trying to tell me I'm living normal, "just like everyone else on the list." NO! I'm going absolutely crazy here in this hellish environment. That keeping track showed that these blow-ups happen no less than between 4-5 times each DAY! Some days it might be just 2-3, that's because on other days the "mad" episodes might be 7-8!

As for doctor ... seems the doctor, when I wrote to her, blew it off re demented behavior, things said, etc. She'd just ask questions like, "What day of the week is it?" "Who's the president," and tell her she's "fine." No! She'll even have a tantrum in public, saying things to people she doesn't know that ~~ had we dared say such things when kids ~~ would've made our heads "roll."

Sad, but true.

How can we edit these? I saw a typo in what was just written above. Also wanted to edit, adding that ~~ when contacting Disability Advocates ~~ they confirmed that HUD does indeed [they have other instances they know about] lose people! :(
That really does add to the hell ... a counselor said, "Your mother is killing you." But does HUD care? (especially after losing me the first time around, or I'd have had a place a couple years ago! widowed, myself) No.

Just one more added (short) note: This is not something that's "all of a sudden" there. She was very critical all of the time before. Now it's just much worse ... and the OCD I see ... just another "worsening," not something that was not there before. She screamed when I first got back here {from a much nicer/warmer state!} anytime I did one thing ... couldn't do it right: dishes, floor-mopping, bathroom cleaning ... nothing! She finally yelled that she might as well do it all herself! Tell you what ... you get screamed at every time you try something [so many more instances, where she'd do something & accuse ME! who'd she accuse before I was here?] & someone suggests they may as well do it themselves ... well, you *LET* them do it, since it's something they can still do. However, then eventually that became, "You never DO anything around here!" [yeah, right] It becomes a lose-lose situation ... do it, it's not done right; don't do it, since trying to do it only gets screaming, then you're "lazy." Excuse me!?

Saw somewhere about someone suggesting they had become a "whipping post." Exactly! They want to lash out @ someone, so the most convenient person is the one most available ................. you! [heard AFTER getting back here that it had been the dog who got beat up before I got here ... poor dog, but had I known that, I'd have known I'd be the next VICTIM, and tho't twice about it ........]

My mother has always resented my "intrusion" into her life when I was born. I have a younger brother who she spoiled and who will do nothing for her. She has spent all her money and is in debt. She cannot afford to live in the home she is in (500.00 per month more than her income) and she is about to lose the duplex my brother found for her to buy which is now almost underwater.

The problem is, my brother has ditched her and moved to another state, now that her money is gone, and she is so verbally abusive to me that I have had to drop out of school in the past due to trying to care for her previously. I cannot even be around her. She always lobs serious insults and anger, as well as blames me for showing her my brother has taken her money.

I have called adult protective services in that state, and intend to just let things fall apart, but I feel horribly guilty for doing so.

Well what happens when you care for a nparent who has not planned for retirement? I made the mistake of moving my mother across the country to live with me. Now I am alone with no spouse and nowhere to go. My significant other simply kept asking when my mother was going to do something? She sits at home all day looks at TV works crossword puzzles, pays for a cell phone for herslf and my felon brother and won't even make a meal for herself. She has a car but won't drive it. All she wants to do is eat, smoke and mess with me. Help!

i count my blessings

I too am an only child taking care of a loved one. But the hitch is that I'm caring for my 99 year old grandmother. My mother died when I was 7 years old. I am 50 and actually the only child of an only child. So, I am really it. I am divorced with no children. I moved my grandmother in with me December 2007 after a brief one year stay in an assited living facility. She hated it. Her exact words were, "I don't know why you would put me in a place with all of these insane people." She has a brain tumor and and early stages of dementia but she is amazing. She actually corrects herself when she makes a mistake. It's the unreasonable requests and demands that "drive me crazy." When people ask me how is she, I reply, she's a little bit more of who she has always been! Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, "that older people are from another planet." I'm sure my grandmother has a space ship out back. She is both amazing and amusing. Because my mother has been deceased over 40 years my grandmother forgets that I still have to work and can not shuttle her to appointments. I now have a caregiver that comes in 4 times a week. This is my 3rd person in a year and a half. She accused the last caregiver of stealing a sweater. The caregiver was so distraught she called me crying when the sweater was located. My grandmother swore up and down that the caregiver took the sweater home and brought it back. And told her that "she never needs to step foot in this house any more..." One of the toughest things to see is when my grandmother gets depressed. Just last night she said that she felt useless and didn't know why she was still here. At 99 she has outlived all of her sisters and is the oldest in our very small family. I listened but my heart was breaking along with hers. To say that I am worn out is a extreme understatement. I lover her to pieces though. We've been through alot together. So, tonight when I get home I will see what perceived emergency is in store for me when I arrive.

I have enjoyed reading other's comments. We all think we are unique, but there is a common thread. My aging parents (77yrs) have opened my eyes to a whole new experience starting 1 1/2 yrs. ago. My Dad had a 'minor' stroke: Looking back, I believe my mother had a nervous breakdown. She was then diagnosed paranoid disorder, depression, and dementia ( after calling 911, threatening to shoot anyone who came to the door, and being transported to a mental facility for care). I spent the next three months being told to "burn in hell", and being told she would make me wish I had never be born. After all, since my brother is deceased, I am the only one who was taking her on errands, and taking her to see Dad everyday. She locked herself in the house, kept everything dark. She stopped cleaning, cooking, taking care of herself, even after my Dad got out of rehab. She is on Ambien and drinks alcohol. Great Combo. She also resists any doctor assessing her, and put on the 'good behavior' show, which fools them all. APS (Adult Protective Services) was notified of her actions several times: when they showed up at the house, she politely refused them entry. And that was that. She railed at my father daily that he would be better off dead, and doesn't remember EVER saying those things. She has said she doesn't know why he would have done what he did, because they were having a good day. That was not the case..they were not. Her reflections are that "it was hard at times, but they were doing fine": that was not true either. Her lapses in memory: repeating things over and over, not remembering wether she took her meds (Ambien), her general hygiene, etc..were not normal. But even Dad wouldn't face the facts of what was happening. I am new at this, so have no idea what I am going to do. I DO have a POA, so I guess that's a start.

this site really helps me a lot since i now face an elderly friend who's like a dad 2 me. he has no real family, & his verbal abuse is so bad i now suspect he chased away an old flame from long ago that he told me about. i dont know whether 2 leave him completely alone, or still check on him periodically. tho he appologizes, i soon wised up, realizing he'd do it again.

I understand your dilemma completely. Trying to do the right things and getting beat up for caring and helping! It's no fun being in the position of caregiver when things get misunderstood and the false accusations get extremely overwhelming.
Countless hours are spent on numerous tasks that are involved in being a caregiver and even though the reward of caring for a loved one is priceless the flip side of the reward can have a devastating effect on the care givers health and mental state if the care giver does not get enough respite care for him/herself.
I have recently been in this position with my elderly mom following her stroke last year. Prior to the stroke she was hard to reason with and very angry most of the time. Having had a life of more downs than ups made her very fearful and resentful. Hardly having a kind word to say about anyone and blamed most everyone for the problems in her life and her main attitude being that she was always right and everyone else was stupid and on their way to hell.
When she started refusing to go to her doctor or take the necessary life saving medicines for her diabetes (insulin,etc...), which she could not remember to do or learn to do on her own because of the dementia, I had the responsibility to try to make sure that her health matters were looked after. She raged at her primary doctor on one visit which caused the doctor to order a risk assessment to which my mother refused to go through. I learned about getting a mental health warrant from the court system and pursued that option to my own detriment because when the other family members learned that mom was being evaluated in a psychiatric hospital then I automatically became the ugly monster of the family when there was no one else helping me with her needs. (Since it was I that shared the residence with mom then I suppose the other family members thought it was all my responsibility and were in complete denial about mom's mental and physical condition). No matter how much I shared with others about the situation it seemed to fall on deaf ears. APS was no help at all and in-home health would not help after my mother angrily ordered them to not come back again.
Needless to say, it got very traumatic and my alcoholic brother threatened me so much that it made me flee my home of fifteen years and he and his girlfriend moved right in and took over the caregiving. It wasn't a month later that I was getting a call from them begging me back! No, I didn't fall for it! The relief I got from being out from under the craziness was so great that wild horses couldn't drag me back into the insane asylum. The caught between a rock and a hard place in no fun place to be and it can definitely take its toll.
My brother and his girlfriend and his two children are still caregiving for mom in moms house and the report I get is that it gets very volitile on a regular basis. I refuse to call APS any more because that process was futile in the first place. And besides that I really can't think of any nursing home that could manage my mothers mental condition even if she would agree to be placed in one. Mom is still ambulatory enough to leave a nursing home at will and has threatened to come back and haunt us kids if we were ever to put her in one.
Love sometimes has its limits and I certainly found mine.
God bless to all that find their self in an unhealthy caregiving environment and good luck finding proper help for the mentally unstable and hard to love loved ones!!!

Karina: I'm confused about something. Why is the house not in your name to begin with? Was it always in your parents names? Did you need to put them on the deed in order to qualify for a refinance and get your mom settled in her new place while you waited for her house to sell? If your mom in on the deed to your home, how is it that she didn't have to ok a line of credit? It would seem that all parties that have a titled interest in a property would have to approve a lien against it.

I've no doubt that you have been a good and faithful daughter, but it would help me to better understand your situation if you could answer the questions I've put forward. Of course, you don't have to do that. I'm just trying to understand. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

The property I spoke of is my mother's house even though it has been remorgaged twice and the value is now not worth what one could sell it for in this market. Even though my mother made a will and made me the POA, when the cops came out to settle a dispute between me and my brothers girlfriend (she would not remove her car from my spot in the driveway) the cops made me leave and never come back (unless it was just to get my posessions). The reason that the cops gave me to make me leave my home of fifteen plus years, was that my mother no longer wanted me living with her and since they spoke to her personally they could see no evidence of any dementia that I had told them about. At the time it was so soon after her release from the psy hospital that I did not have the papers in hand to give the cops the doctors evaluation of her condition. The report said that mom should not be left at liberty, a risk to herself and others, very poor judgement, dementia, can not take care of herself, , and find a nursing home placement...
When I was able to get the Psy Eval on moms condition I was able to read what my brother had told the hopsital evaluators about me (that I was only putting mom in the nut house in order to take over her home because I am a spiteful person out to harm mom). My brother promised that he and his wife (not a wife but his girlfriend, he lied to them) could take care of mom and that he intended to get me out of the house and out of the way. Since the two of them plus brothers children (girl age 17 and boy age 14) moved in, they have been living off mom's social security, drinking (alcoholism DUI problems, fighting, making the kids fearful, and threatening to move out and leave mom alone because they can't take it anymore. But they can't afford to move! And moms rage and health issues have not got any better. She keeps insisting that she is getting over the health stuff and going back to work. That she can feel the stuff leaving her body and that she's not going to keep going to doctors that are only out to kill her with all that dope that they are giving her to take. It's a long story and I feel that I did all I could possibly do and put myself in harms way also in order to make my moms life better but I was up against too many obstacles to try to manage things further.
The house is mortgaged in mothers name and the value of propertys is probably at a break even point if it were to be sold (because of the refinancing that was done on the loan at two differents times) and she has only $1,035.00 per month to live on (SSI) and the house payment is $790.00 per month.
My brother/moms son (current resident) is only working when he has a job come his way (fence building), girlfriend is unemployed, his daughter 17yr old quit her job to keep an eye on the 14 yr old boy/son since he got in trouble for theft at a CVS store (shoplifted condoms) and police also fould a marajuana pipe on him and his shoplifting friend.
My mom needs real help and all she has is more worries and more burdens. But in her frame of mind I do not believe that she would be able to recognize real help even if there is such a thing out there. It's definitely not CPS or APS!
That service is just a joke but I can understand that the system is so backed up with similar problems or maybe even worse problems and that theres no real hope for hurting families. My brothers (moms son and live-in care giver) children have been in foster care due to their mothers meth addiction and the state put the children into grandmothers care after a year or so and then meth mom s mother (grandmother) signed the kid back over to real dad (my brother, abusive alcoholic, DUI problems) and now all that senario is living in my mothers disfunctional/sick house. I feel the most remorse for the teenage children and all they have been through and still going through but the system is flawed so what can anyone do about that mess.
My POA was not worth the paper it was written. And guardianship court (moms atty ad lidem from the mental health warrant) decided that mom was not in need of a guardian because she was not bed ridden and still too ambulatory and could care for herself. The whole system drama was very contradictory and a huge waste of my time and energy. DADS is a hopeless cause too!
When my mother dies it will probably be because of the faulty system and the proverbial falling-thru-the-crack reason. And alot because of her own mental dysfunction and lack of proper care.
I've done my utmost best and I feel no guilt....for whatever happens. Because a person can only do so much and then it time to give up!

I can see that the past years have been a difficult struggle for you and from what you said, it seems like you have tried legal means to get matters resolved and that has failed. Maybe it is time to save yourself and leave the brother (is this a step-brother, as I thought you said you were an only child?) and family to self destruct.

Am I understanding this correctly: You were living in a house that was free and clear and then purchased a 2 bedroom close by for your mom? Which house is your mom and brother in now? It sounds like you were thrown out of the house you were originally living in. Where are you living now?

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get some help in coming to some acceptance of this unfair situation.

Yes, my brother, his girlfriend and my brothers two children are definitely self destructing. Our mother is going to just have to live out the rest of her elderly life in chaos and neglect. They all live in moms twice refinanced house and moms SSI is keeping the roof over all their heads. I'm thankful to be free of all the drama and pain of the family dysfunction and even though it doesn't seem fair what happened to me through it all, I just go with the Lord's will and take care of myself and let forgiveness take over. My counselor told me that no matter how much my family tries to plead with me to take back the caregiving of our mother to just say, no way. I find that easy to do and am enjoying the peace in my life. I do not feel free to say where I am living as I am keeping it a secret for my own protection. My sister has been trying to get me to reveal where I live but I just say that I found a perfect roommate situation and that I could in no way return back to moms house under no terms or conditions. Now that the family knows and admits that I was not the bad person that they accused me of, I still have not regained the trust I need to be part of the family circle any longer. I never said that I was an only child at all. I have two brothers and one sister. A deceased dad that suffered with alcoholism for as long as I can remember and a very sick mother. She suffers with dementia and is an insulin dependent diabetic. Mom can not learn how to check her own blood sugar levels or give her self insulin shots. The stroke she had last March left her partially blind and she suffers short term memory loss. She has not driven a car since the stroke and is totally dependent on others for her necessities. Mom is in severe denial about her medical needs and is irrational, angry, and bitter.
And yes I was thrown out by the police that I myself called for help. The policeman and police woman that came to my call told me to leave and not come back because the house belonged to my mother and she no longer wanted me to live there. The police persons estimation was that mom did not have dementia and was very much a rational person. They decided that during a 5 minute interview and would not listen to me at all. I felt that the officers were pressuring me to get angry so that they would have a reason to arrest me. But I stayed calm and just went along with their orders to leave mine and my moms residence. I lived in my car for a few days until I found a new home.
Thank you for your concern! My service in the Marine Corps certainly gave me the strength I needed to get through tough times. Although, I do admit that I did shed quite a few tears and sometime I still get worried about the family situation. I just manage to stay focused on positive things and keep faith in the Lord's gooodness and unfailing love.

Izreal48: Ok, I'm with you now. I got you confused with Karena, the person who made the original post above. I'm so sorry. How confusing it must have been for you. Listen, kiddo, I am so relieved that you have/are seeing a counselor and I think she gave you excellent advise, "No matter if they beg you, don't go back." Life has much better things in store for you. Hang on to your faith and keep love in your heart. I'm sure you still worry about the family situation, but you can't save anyone but yourself. So do that and stay with the therapy. Send me a post on my wall and let me know how things are going. Blessings and Best Wishes.

Tonight, after an argument with my mom, I am feeling a little hopeless. I'm believing that the one (me) who has done the most is continuing and progressivley being treated the worse. I struggle with wanting to be a good person and love my mom and continue to help her or just throw in the towel. Sad - and my two siblings could probably care less.

I know exactly how you feel, my sister & I are in the same boat! I know that doesn't help you, I am so sorry you are going through that with your mom! Our mom is a narcacist, if you look that up you will see exactly what I am talking about! Our siblings, 3 of them, egg our mother on & are in the height of their glory as they have convinced her that she is doing what is right! For 25 years, well my whole life from age 8 or so on, I have helped my parents! I am now 59! But when I left home & married I continued to go down & help them! When my mom could no longer grow a garden, I have even grew gardens & canned goods for her, for all the rest to enjoy at family get togethers, taken them to doctors for years, mowed & weed eated their yard for years, they are on a farm, so very large yard, done the family Thanksgiving & Christmas meals, when mom could no longer do that! Ours is money related, our siblings think they will get more in the end if they turn mom against us & they might be right! For years, when mom would give me some token, she would say "you'd better take it because it may be all you get!" I would laugh at the time, not knowing what she meant! We too struggle with wanting to be a good person & love mom at the same time, I don't think anyone can take your love away from you, however loving someone & being treated like crap at the same time is very difficult! Our mom would treat you fine to your face, then you get the crappy feedback later! The only way we have been able to deal with all this is to stay away from her! My prayers go out to you! Hang in there! Only you will eventually know what to do, no one can tell you what to do, whether to stay in the mess or get out!

M1953, Wow - I can relate to a lot of this in different ways. I don't have time right now to completely respond to your post - but could you please explain to
me what you meant by your siblings egg your mom on? Also, when U say that your mom treats U good to your face and then U get the crappy feedback latter -can U explain? Does the crappy fb come from your mom or your siblings latter.
Thanks again for your response to my post.

Sorry about that, I grew up in the country & talk a lot of country! I am one of 5 children, the middle, my sister that is also being treated crappy, is the eldest daughter, number 2 child. My siblings, a boy & girl that are the two youngest & a boy that is the eldest, which are the ones that are egging my mother on. What I mean by saying "egg my mom on" is that they condone & are really happy about my mother threating myself & my sister terrible, because they think that by holding up for her lies & behavior, that they will get more in the end! When I am in my mother's presence, she hugs me, gives me a kiss, visits, seems happy to see me & my husband, treats my sister & her husband the same way, in their presence. When my husband & I are around my mother & dad by ourselves, my mother will bad mouth my sister & her husband, as well as the rest of my siblings & their families, it is a horrible & I think it is a sickness! I always stand up for them, which aggitates my mother. The things she says about them is horrible & totally a lie! When my mother would give the same sister a phone call, she will bad mouth me & my husband, say horrible things about me, actually stating that I was having an affair with a young man that dated our daughter, which really hurt my feelings! Then my mother wrote my daughter, which I am in posession of the letters, which are horrible, actually stating that I had an affair with my brother in law, my youngest sister's ex-husband. None of either of those stories are true & what her fascination with affairs is about, I don't have a clue, it is really warped! My mother wrote to my daughter stating that I had lied about a blood test result on my dad, which I didn't. This happened 2 years ago tomorrow! What happened was my husband & I always took them to the doctors, every time we went with them, my mom would insist that I go in with them, stating that they didn't always understand or hear everything. Always after the appointments, between my mother & I we would notify the other siblings of the results. On this particular appointment, my dad had a test result come back with a positive result on the report that my mom claimed didn't happen. So the 3 siblings that are treating me & my sister bad, are going along with my mother that the test result wasn't positive. I don't have access to the doctors reports so I can't prove anything. They don't want anyone to know what he has. My husband & I asked my mom what we could do to fix this mess, she said I had to apologize for lying & tell everyone that I told about the test result, which was only my siblings, that it was a lie! I have a real problem with that as I didn't lie, I know what the doctor read, my mom was busy running her mouth while the doctor was trying to read the report to them. My dad heard what he read as he asked the doctor what could be done & he told them due to his age, in his 90's, that nothing could be done. However my dad can't remember 2 minutes later what someone has told him, so I don't even have his support! My husband & I discussed the results on the way home with my parents, I called my siblings like I always did, but after the fact my mom said she didn't want any of them to know what the results were, well she should have told me before the fact! So that is why my mom is so upset with me, I was supposed to read her mind & know that this one time out of hundreds, not to tell my siblings about the report! My dad can't help what he has, it is nothing he did wrong, it is just something that has happened to him due to environment!

Hope you kind of get what I am talking about now!

M1953: I read some of your old posts and also one from your sister. My heart goes out to the both of you. I hope you realize that your mom is mentally ill and always has been. It seems like now she plays you against each other and loves to cause as much hurt as possible. The letters to your daughter are just another example of her twisted mind and hateful spirit. It's not your fault or your sister's fault. It's just the way your mom is and always will be.

Would it be possible for you to eliminate contact with your parents? I would assume that the 2 youngest would step in. Sometimes people stay tied to the abuse due to the possibility of inheritance or because they just want that parent to give them the love that has always been missing. Sometimes it's both and other reasons too that are hard to explain.

It sounds like you and your sister have married wonderful men and had wonderful children. I commend you on making a good life for yourselves. Maybe some counseling would help you detach from your mom.

Love and best wishes, Cattails