I have been caring for Mom for the past 7 years. The 1st year was spent flying between my home and my parents to help when Dad became terminally ill. I am an only child, Mom is 77. While Dad was in hospitals and hospice I took care of planing for the inevitable with my Dad, Mom would not accept he was not coming home. Dad had done everthing-the bills, caring for the house,shopping and cooking. Mom has never ever driven and has always been fearfulof...well everything. Just before Dad passed as we were planing what to be done, he told me"Mom is not like she used to be." I asked what he meant by that- he was vague and said she is not social-don't make her leave her house, take care of her. I realzed later she likely has alzheimers- her sister,father both suffered with this disease. she absolutely will not go to be tested. But all the signs are there.The next year was spent flying back and forth to take care of the house and her ect. She was isolated, no friends , no interests,and constantly afraid. some younger neighbors would take her to the grocery store2x a month( which was a bit weird but they had been friendly for years) and that was it unless I flew down. It became clear she was not doing well and I had to do something. I searched for months and found a cute 2 bedroom 1 level house 2 blocks from me.Perfect! We Mortgaged my house which was paid for to buy this house spent endless hours remodeling for her all the while flying her up for awhile then back to Florida. The time to list her house for sale came and i had to gently nudge her along, spent 2 weeks packing and moving her to her new home- it is so cute and perfect! She took a long while to get moved in I tried to let her be in control- but clearly she needed help to decide where to put things ect, she would just sit and worry. So we got it done. Her house in fla sold and we were able to pay everything off. 5 years later she seemed settled. she has a sum of money in the bank good income from pension and ss with little to no bills. I take her everywhere and make sure she gets out for walks and socializing-she does nothing w/out me. i have accepted that and the sacrifices. my husband works out of state in the winter - I am not able to be with him 100% as I have to be here for her- the travel back and forth again is expensive and tiresome-but gotta do it. she still worries so much about everything it is hard to take. sorry so long but that is the condensed version of the past 7 years. So now the newest problem- My house still has my mom and Dads name on it- we just never did anything about it. The house is waterfront and valuable but needed and still needs some repairs and upkeep as part of it is a rental unit. I take care of all expenses and repairs on my home -of course. mom is set her house paid for and all refinished. so 2 years ago I told mom weneeded to change the deed on my house that we needed to borrow to take care of things. We are responsible adults. Nope no way she would not agree -the house was free and clear she wanted it to stay that way. She does not at all understand how things workthese days and is fearful as I said of everything. SO- as I have power of attorney and it is my house - I took out an equity line- wemoved forward and took care of what we needed to do, with the idea of refinancing in 3 years-all good. Well by the slip of a phone call she realized we have an equity line on the house...mind you we have not been late on 1 payment and take care of everything.Mom has gone into hysterics and depression and will have nothing to do w/ me other than to take her to the grocery store- where she asks me to not come in with her. she is being very hateful and hurtful to me. the things she is saying are shocking to me- all I have ever done good has been erased. I am trying to be loving and care for her - but she is making it next to impossible. I cry most days-call her everyday to see she is ok and she gives me one word answers and hangs up when I go over she barely allows me in and then asks me to leave. she has agreed now that we will change the deed.but that is it-she says she will never get over this. I can not live like this it has been 1 month and my heart is broken.She will not go to a counselor or our priest to talk -I have asked- so we can get past this. I do not know what to do. I can not continue this way it is killing my health-hers also. But what do i do? she has a brother in another state- but to sell this house and move her again would likely be too much. please any advice-this is killing me I can not live like this for months much less years.
I could tell you so many stories of people (my husband's family...his mom) who stayed tied to parents who were abusive. Eventually there was nothing to show for it.
I am constantly amazed at how some people can be so sick. I think calling them sick is a kindness. The harm they do to their children is beyond belief and that they can cause it, watch all of it going on, and continue to orchestrate it is something no one it their sensible or loving mind can understand.
Live you life and embrace your sister. Thank God you have each other. Leave the rest to God and wash your hands of it. Blessings to you and your sis. I hope you have years of happiness ahead of you. You will be wonderful Grandparents someday. Hugs, Cattails
God Bless you!
As we are wont to say here in the South,"Bless your heart!" I can so identify with your plight, because I am taking care of my difficult (albeit clear-minded) 84-yr-old mother in my home. What I've learned over the eight years that I've been at this is that she becomes the most mean when she's feeling the most scared and vulnerable. She's always been acid-tongued and selfish, pretty much toward everybody, but this has become exacerbated and been really leveled at me as she has declined physically.
I try to keep that fact at the front of my head when she aims at me, and I stare at her without reply. It's worked a lot of the time!
You are a wonderful daughter and I understand your concerns about abandoning your mom at this time. See it through a while longer. Make sure she has a full evaluation for dementia by someone who knows how to treat it. Get a referral from her doc if needed.
I think you have a good heart and a good head for the problems you and your mom are facing. I'm sorry your sibs are no help, but sometimes it's just better to accept that and move on. Hanging onto any hope of them seeing things differently is probably a waste of your valuable time.
Please keep us posted. Hugs, Cattails
I was looking for a therapist. I can't change how my MIL acts, so I have to change the way I react to her -- which is NOT easy. In trying to explain to people that her meaness and manipulation is NOT part of the aging process that she's always been that way they look at me like I have 3 heads because "she's just the sweetest old lady they've ever met". She's been a pathological liar her entire life, but aging has left her with a problem of not being able to keep up with her lies. At first I thought the best thing to do was confront her about what she tells other people, but have found she just lies to us that she never said those things. (Although the other people are left believing it's all true). . What I know is true is the mother has targeted everyone in her daughter's life, because she doesn't have the courage to target her own daugther. (who is adopted, but never told she was adopted -- which is a whole different story) She has manipulated everyone in her daughter's life, until they leave her daugther and then she wants to be their friend. It's really sick. Recently I told my spouse I can't do this anymore -- it's too painful Which what I really ended up doing was hurting my spouse -- leaving her to feel like she's all alone with this situation. She's an only child. She's upset because I get hurt in the process and logically I know it's "not about me", it's about her mother's behavior it's still very painful.
Sooooo.....after a few days of feeling like a lousy human being I decided I would TRY a different approach. We'll use the aging process as an excuse for her bad behavior and I'll try to deal with it as if it's a medical condition, instead of a personality problem.
The only thing it changes is how I look at the problem --- I just hope that's enough to deal with it better. :-(
Be thankful that you have legal Power of Attorney.
First you not only have the ability to take out the equity loan, but you do not need her permission to deed your home over to you and your husband. Most POA's state " to convey property". It is my advice that you move forward with getting the deed and secure your home. The reason this is so important is because if indeed your Mother is suffering from Alzheimer's or the symptom of dementia, then there is a greater chance you may have to place her I. A long term facility. Most states have a 2-5 yr law regarding the transfer of property . Thus being said, if your not careful, the long term facility can and will trace back any property that has been in her name and take c control of it and see it for her care, on top of her monthly pension s.
Please look out for your interest. It sounds you have been so concerned with her care and making her happy that you have neglected your own security.
Also, sit your Mom down, tell her that you love her and that you have provided for and made sure her future needs have been placed before your own. Explain to her that you are her child and she is being very selfish by not wanting you cared for . Explain to her what can happen if she were to be placed in along term facility.
Ensure her that you intend to continue caring for her and looking out for her best interest. HOWEVER, enough of the childish selfish behavior . DO NOT invite her brother or anyone else in the family to discuss or have input on your POA. You were chosen when she and your father were in their right minds. I fear if the family gets involved that there will be trouble because greed will rear it's ugly head. You did mention that the property you have is quit valuable.
Consider hiring someone who in no way is connected to your family to assist with her care since she is having a "pouting". Bout. This is not uncommon when elderly people feel they have little to no dear vision making or control in their lives. This is not your fault. Had your Mother been more independent then she may have been living a full active life after your father's death.
Please don't think I'm being g mean, but I have been where your at and as long as you continue to allow her to treat you this way, she will.
You mentioned traveling with your husband. Once you find a dependable person you trust with her car, go visit your husband for a week. I bet this will bring things in t o prospective for her once she sees you are not going to allow her to live what is left of your life.
I hope it helps. But please dear don't allow her to make you miserable over choices she maddening ago by not being independent. If it is do to a. Illness( lack of dependence), the. By means dear, the ball is In your court.
Hang in there. It may not hurt for you to speak to your priest about recommendations for assistance with care givers. You seriously need a break if your feeling guilty and in tears.
My mom's new doctor (I moved her to a senior specialist) helped me out a lot. I got more out of that one visit than all of the other doctor visits. Anyway, they referred me to the Alzheimer's Association (they help with all sorts of memory problems) and the visit was a God send. The first thing they told me was that my mom had lost any capability to reason or make decisions, she can only act on feelings and beliefs. They can't remember what happened a few minutes ago but they have long term memory so that is what they remember and when we try to get them to do something all they remember is when they could do it themselves. We have to keep this in mind when speaking to them and say things like "lets get ready to go out to eat, I'll go take my bath and you can take yours" It is still hard to apply that to every situation but it helped me see another way.
Since rejoining this program, she has been irritable, confused, and naive: Now she thinks objects in plain view really don't exist as the Course in Miracles states. She even thinks the universe doesn't exist all bcause the Course says so. The Course In Miracles has been dubbed by critics as a course in. brainwashing of false docrine.
I get it - you were sort of hoping he would pass on before you really had to rein him in against his will. But, no, that's not how it works - his judgement may have gone to H in a handbasket, but if his body can do it and he is legally deemed competent to do it, he gets to do it as long as it isn't illegal. He can hate you for turning him in to the DMV and his license getting yanked - he can contest it if you try to get guardianship - but you do what you have to do. Have you talked to social service/Area Agency on Aging people much yet? Any options they can give you? It certainly is sounding like he should not live alone, as badly as he may want to. People surreptitiously disable ovens and cars as one option, and if you are lucky they can't organize well enough to get the things repaired and hopefully just do without rather than admit it. Of course if he is driving with no license, the police can at least try to give him a good scare even if they would really prefer not to lock up a 94 year old. Sorry you are hitting your head on this particular wall, and one thing we are all too familiar with on here is the simple fact that the easy problems have been solved already.